Gaeta Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 (edited) 4 hours ago, SCMandy said: I’m just going to stop responding to this thread. I came here in hopes of not being judged yet I feel that is all that is happening and I don’t have time for the negativity. You're not the first woman meeting a man through a hook up. We don't judge you for it if it's what worries you. We are not judging you we are warning you on how this could unfold. Edited May 6 by Gaeta Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 7 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Men who look to date others decades younger than they are generally have some unsavory reasons - either they want to have the upper hand, or they are overly interested in physical appearances to the exclusion of other things. And that is another surprisingly (coming from you) unkind and untrue generalization. Why “have the upper hand” and not “treat the woman like a princess”? How does interest in physical appearance excludes other things? Don’t you think a man can’t appreciate youthful appearance and other things as well? Maybe it’s not ok to be interested in beautiful women as well, for fear of others thinking that you’re only interested in her physical beauty? 7 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Having things in common are far down on their lists of priorities in a relationship How so? My friends joke that I keep sticking to women of the same profession as myself. Obviously that’s because common interests are not far down my list. Age is just one of the many factors here, and definitely not the main one. I have much more in common with a younger student of mine than with someone my age who’s from another cultural milieu. 7 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: I don't think that actively seeking something like that speaks well of the person who's doing il. Oh, so I and many of my colleagues are villains. I’ll have to share that insight with them and their younger wives, before it’s too late😊 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 (edited) 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: My partner has a friend of similar age who is endlessly pursuing younger women. My partner calls his friend “Peter Pan” in that he has really not matured. He has very unrealistic expectations and he is very much seeking his own happiness in the arms of a beautiful young woman. As a result, he is endlessly unhappy because he’s not generally successful finding younger women who are interested - most of his relationships are casual and very short lived. He is actually quite depressed, my partner feels quite badly for him… But, he is unwilling to listen to any advice or consider any other options. I’m sure that is a true story. I’m certain that people like your partner’s friend exist. I fail to see any correlation with age gap, though. If he tried to pursue very beautiful or very smart or very talented women of his own age, the results might have been exactly the same. They are just out of his league. 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: Not saying that it doesn’t happen and it can’t become a successful relationship - my friend is in her late forties and she is dating a man in his sixties. That is a different story, both people have life experience that levels the playing field a little more than this situation. But still, their relationship was not initially supported by many people and she now struggles with the idea that she will find herself alone for the later part of her life as he ages and possibly becomes disabled/requires care or passes away… People are judgmental. Hopefully your friend and her partner are strong enough to focus on their love and overcome difficulties, and wise enough to understand that their relationship is their business only and other people’s lack of support is entirely the problem of those other people. Edited May 6 by Gebidozo 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 35 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I don't remember you mentionned having children but if you did l doubt you'd be excited your 24 yo daughter brought home a 50 year old. I don’t have a daughter, but if that happened, I would be interested only in one thing - is she happy with that man? I would definitely not discriminate against that person on the basis of either race, creed, nationality, or age. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 5 hours ago, SCMandy said: I’m just going to stop responding to this thread. I came here in hopes of not being judged yet I feel that is all that is happening and I don’t have time for the negativity. I don’t think you are being judged personally, but there does seem to exist a certain bias against relationships with big age gaps in this community. The people here have been very helpful and insightful in general. For what it’s worth, I’m a 48 year old man in a relationship with a 30 year old woman, I started topics pertaining to our relationship, and I never got any judgmental remark from anyone here concerning our age gap. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 1 minute ago, Gebidozo said: I don’t think you are being judged personally, but there does seem to exist a certain bias against relationships with big age gaps in this community. The people here have been very helpful and insightful in general. For what it’s worth, I’m a 48 year old man in a relationship with a 30 year old woman, I started topics pertaining to our relationship, and I never got any judgmental remark from anyone here concerning our age gap. If your girlfriend had been 24, at least one of us would have negatively commented on the age gap. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: For what it’s worth, I’m a 48 year old man in a relationship with a 30 year old woman I would suggest kindly there is a lot of learning and maturing that occurs or women from the early twenties to their thirties. It’s not the number so much as the discrepancy in life experience that is the issue. In this case, he has been married and he has buried his wife. He has a son who is year younger than OP. There is a vast difference in life experience here. In other similar posts, I’m actually more concerned that the man is going to end up hurt and disappointed. Some older men have posted and they are quite infatuated with younger women who are sometimes running their own agenda. Some have lot their wives and they are grieving… it’s definitely not what’s happening here. But their naivety, in much the same way that this poster is a little naive, puts them at great risk of being seriously disappointed and hurt when the relationship ends. Edited May 6 by BaileyB 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 7 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I would suggest kindly there is a lot of learning and maturing that occurs or women from the early twenties to their thirties. It’s not the number so much as the discrepancy in life experience that is the issue. In this case, he has been married and he has buried his wife. He has a son who is year younger than OP. There is a vast difference in life experience here. In other similar posts, I’m actually more concerned that the man is going to end up hurt and disappointed. Some older men have posted and they are quite infatuated with younger women who are sometimes running their own agenda. Their naivety, in much the same way that this poster is a little naive, puts them at great risk of being seriously disappointed and hurt when the relationship ends. Both very good points 👍 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 (edited) 41 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: If he tried to pursue very beautiful or very smart or very talented women of his own age, the results might have been exactly the same. Maybe. Or maybe, he would have a better chance of finding companionship and happiness in much the same way that we have found someone to share our lives with… Edited May 6 by BaileyB Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 42 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: Discriminate against that person on the basis of either race, creed, nationality, or age. Age does not fall in same category as race, nationality or religion. You can be any race, any nationality and religion at 20 you still don't have the experience of a 50 year old. This has nothing to do with prejudice. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 This age difference debate has been derailing OP's thread for sometime, so I've made a new thread for it to continue on. @Gebidozo @BaileyB @Gaeta @Sony12 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 44 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: I’m a 48 year old man in a relationship with a 30 year old woman. And again. It's not the age difference we're debating but her young age and inexperience. At 30 we've lived enough and our brain is fully developped. The last part of the brain developping is the frontal part where is located the ability to understand long term consequences of our actions/decisions. That finishes developping between 25 to 27. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted May 7 Share Posted May 7 (edited) 2 hours ago, Gebidozo said: And that is another surprisingly (coming from you) unkind and untrue generalization. I don't see how kindness comes into it. Quote Why “have the upper hand” and not “treat the woman like a princess”? This is confusing. You and your friends actively select for women half (or less than half) your age in order to "treat them like a princess"? Why does their age come into play for this? You don't want somebody who would prefer to be treated like a queen? 😁 Quote How does interest in physical appearance excludes other things? I am talking about people who will sacrifice a great deal in order to have the physical ... so in those cases it will exclude other things. It's a superficial criteria, like if a person is primarily interested in somebody's net worth. Or if they're famous. Of course the world is overflowing with people, men and women alike, who choose like this. Quote Don’t you think a man can’t appreciate youthful appearance and other things as well? Who doesn't appreciate a youthful appearance? I do. I just wouldn't select a partner based on it. Quote How so? My friends joke that I keep sticking to women of the same profession as myself. Obviously that’s because common interests are not far down my list. Age is just one of the many factors here, and definitely not the main one. I have much more in common with a younger student of mine than with someone my age who’s from another cultural milieu. Are you a teacher or professor? Interesting. You don't have any qualms about dating students of yours? Quote Oh, so I and many of my colleagues are villains. I’ll have to share that insight with them and their younger wives, before it’s too late😊 I don't think villains, necessarily. As I've said, I am an old person myself. I was young, and I had relationships with young women. I married someone close to my age and we grew older together. After our divorce, I simply was not interested in dating younger women anymore. It's possible that I could have met a young individual who inspired me to change, but I can't imagine actively seeking and selecting for women in their 20's. Having an adult daughter probably cemented this for me. I don't know if you have children but I will tell you that parenting her when she was in her late teens - early 20's was hellish. She was an "adult" by legal standards, she was very thrilled to be there and to let us know at any opportunity - but some of her choices - lord have mercy. Fortunately we all survived that, and now she is evidently "too old" for you and your colleagues as she's entered her crusty old 30's! Edited May 7 by NuevoYorko 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCMandy Posted May 7 Author Share Posted May 7 16 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Huh? All I asked you was what you wanted to do from here. Meaning, do you want to proceed with him? I don't see how I have judged you or been negative with you. No, not you. I’m sorry. Everyone else for the most part. You have not been judgmental at all Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCMandy Posted May 7 Author Share Posted May 7 13 hours ago, Gebidozo said: And that is another surprisingly (coming from you) unkind and untrue generalization. Why “have the upper hand” and not “treat the woman like a princess”? How does interest in physical appearance excludes other things? Don’t you think a man can’t appreciate youthful appearance and other things as well? Maybe it’s not ok to be interested in beautiful women as well, for fear of others thinking that you’re only interested in her physical beauty? How so? My friends joke that I keep sticking to women of the same profession as myself. Obviously that’s because common interests are not far down my list. Age is just one of the many factors here, and definitely not the main one. I have much more in common with a younger student of mine than with someone my age who’s from another cultural milieu. Oh, so I and many of my colleagues are villains. I’ll have to share that insight with them and their younger wives, before it’s too late😊 I could not agree with this response anymore. The over generalizations are wrong on so many levels. I tend to look for the good in people and he has a lot of good in him. From the time we first met (which i reiterate was not on a hookup site, it was at a work conference), through talking to him mostly over text for months leading up to any first date, til a couple of dates later where the situation with his size happened, til now, he has been nothing but a complete gentleman 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 7 Share Posted May 7 20 minutes ago, SCMandy said: I could not agree with this response anymore. The over generalizations are wrong on so many levels. I tend to look for the good in people and he has a lot of good in him. From the time we first met (which i reiterate was not on a hookup site, it was at a work conference), through talking to him mostly over text for months leading up to any first date, til a couple of dates later where the situation with his size happened, til now, he has been nothing but a complete gentleman Sorry, I think you need to clarify something. In your initial post you said: Quote We ended up getting together recently and as we were hooking up i completely freaked out This is the basis for most people's guesswork on your situation. "We were hooking up" typically has a very, very specific meaning. Did he ever use that phrase? So did you two go on a date, or did you two hook up? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCMandy Posted May 7 Author Share Posted May 7 9 minutes ago, Els said: Sorry, I think you need to clarify something. In your initial post you said: This is the basis for most people's guesswork on your situation. "We were hooking up" typically has a very, very specific meaning. Did he ever use that phrase? So did you two go on a date, or did you two hook up? No, he never once used that phrase and this was not our first date. The ‘hooking up’ reference was simply the act of us hooking up as part of our date. The sole intention of the date was not for that Quote Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted May 7 Share Posted May 7 33 minutes ago, SCMandy said: I could not agree with this response anymore. The over generalizations are wrong on so many levels. I tend to look for the good in people and he has a lot of good in him. From the time we first met (which i reiterate was not on a hookup site, it was at a work conference), through talking to him mostly over text for months leading up to any first date, til a couple of dates later where the situation with his size happened, til now, he has been nothing but a complete gentleman I see nothing wrong with the OP pursuing a relationship with this man IF IT MAKES HER HAPPY. She seems very leveled headed and considers this man to interesting and quite the gentleman. I, for one, hope she enjoys her time with him. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCMandy Posted May 7 Author Share Posted May 7 20 minutes ago, happyhorizons said: I see nothing wrong with the OP pursuing a relationship with this man IF IT MAKES HER HAPPY. She seems very leveled headed and considers this man to interesting and quite the gentleman. I, for one, hope she enjoys her time with him. Thank you so much for this. Not that I necessarily needed validation regarding the age difference, because I am aware of those dynamics and can take care of myself, but more so seeing someone that is not hyper focused on the age difference. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted May 7 Share Posted May 7 21 minutes ago, SCMandy said: Thank you so much for this. Not that I necessarily needed validation regarding the age difference, because I am aware of those dynamics and can take care of myself, but more so seeing someone that is not hyper focused on the age difference. While that's fine however I do get the sense that you are developing feelings for this guy. Which will likely only end in you feeling 'dumped'. So if you feel like you would get hurt from him ending things with you it might be better to move on from the situation. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted May 7 Share Posted May 7 My father dated a woman with a similar age difference (she was much, much younger) following his divorce from my Mother. He purchased a porsch, had his ear pierced and I guess you could say was reliving his lost youth. At first it was extremely awkward for me and my siblings, but I really came to like her. Of course, she was a raging alcoholic, which ultimately caused their relationship to end. He later went on to marry a woman closer in age. What is more concerning for you, the age difference or that he is large and in charge? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCMandy Posted May 7 Author Share Posted May 7 4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: My father dated a woman with a similar age difference (she was much, much younger) following his divorce from my Mother. He purchased a porsch, had his ear pierced and I guess you could say was reliving his lost youth. At first it was extremely awkward for me and my siblings, but I really came to like her. Of course, she was a raging alcoholic, which ultimately caused their relationship to end. He later went on to marry a woman closer in age. What is more concerning for you, the age difference or that he is large and in charge? It’s definitely not the age difference. I feel very comfortable with that. It is definitely his size that has me more worried. And I know that sounds shallow and superficial but it’s real for me Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted May 7 Share Posted May 7 6 minutes ago, SCMandy said: It’s definitely not the age difference. I feel very comfortable with that. It is definitely his size that has me more worried. And I know that sounds shallow and superficial but it’s real for me Doesn't sound shallow. Now if you left because he was pretty small than that might seem a little shallow but being too big is just something that you like/don't like. Does make it sound though that you might prefer mental stimulation than physical. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCMandy Posted May 7 Author Share Posted May 7 4 minutes ago, Sony12 said: Doesn't sound shallow. Now if you left because he was pretty small than that might seem a little shallow but being too big is just something that you like/don't like. Does make it sound though that you might prefer mental stimulation than physical. That is definitely very true. And the mental stimulation with him is there for sure which has me even more torn and confused lol 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted May 7 Share Posted May 7 Just now, SCMandy said: That is definitely very true. And the mental stimulation with him is there for sure which has me even more torn and confused lol Ok does he know that though? Most people who go out with individuals half their age aren't getting together with them for their mind or their personality. Good chance he has hopes that you would be an extremely sexual young lady 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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