What do I do now?

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Add to the fact that not many 48 year old men are looking for a serious relationship with a 24 year old women… especially considering he just ended a marriage.

Why not, I know plenty of men in that age range that are interested in a serious relationship with a young woman. Youth with its immaturity, poor communication skills and self-centered attitude has passed, and guys feel they have more to ofter in a more advanced age. They are more patient, more forgiving, less entitled. Such guys are able to treat a younger woman they love like a princess.

I’m generally surprised by this “horny old man” cliché, it’s just inaccurate. Everyone knows that men are hornier when they are younger. An older guy has been there, done that, seen it all, why would he be interested only in sex? 

I’m not saying that is surely the OP’s case, or that there aren no exceptions. Maybe some guys have been repressing their sexual urges for too long and they burst out in ugly ways when they get older, I don’t know. But overall, a younger man is much more likely to use a woman for sex than an older one.

[basil67]

36 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

However, it’s still not fair to make age-related generalizations on the basis of personal negative experiences. Just because some older men are icky, doesn’t mean that the majority is.

I don't know why you said this when you've quoted me giving the caveat that not all older men are bad.   But either way, I'm not going to stop speaking out when women who are still young/vulnerable are involved.  

Edited May 6 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

35 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I don't know why you said this when you've quoted me giving the caveat that not all older men are bad.   But either way, I'm not going to stop speaking out when women who are still young/vulnerable are involved.  

Sorry, “not all older men are bad” is just not enough… It’s a hurtful thing to say😔

How would you react to such statement if applied to any other group of people? “Not all blacks are bad”, “not all Jews are bad”, “not all women are bad”, “not all lawyers are bad”?

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Thread getting derailed again, so I'll bring it back to OP:

OP, when was the last time you spoke to him? How did you two leave it the night (or day) that this happened? 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

An inexperienced young woman can fall prey to an older guy wanting to use her for sex, sure, but the same can happen with a younger guys, and I’d dare say such cases are more common.    It’s the person that matters, not the age.

Older men have more experience and are generally far smoother than a young man.   And a young woman will also likely be less intimidated by a peer and stand her ground more comfortably than if she was standing up to someone who's her father's age.

Quote

How would you react to such statement if applied to any other group of people? “Not all blacks are bad”, “not all Jews are bad”, “not all women are bad”, “not all lawyers are bad”?

I'm sorry my caveat wasn't broad enough.  To be clear, I am talking about a very specific subset of men - older ones who go after very young women.  Like this very thread where we are looking at a 24yo and a 48yo.  Or a 17yo and a 32yo.   So yes I keep an eye on this stuff.  I give my feedback to young women who ask for help And when we have older male posters who are asking advice on pursuing a young woman, I also tell them that it's vasty inappropriate.  And I make no apologies for that.  

 

Edited May 6 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Older men have more experience and are generally far smoother than a young man.   And a young woman will also likely be less intimidated by a peer and stand her ground more comfortably than if she was standing up to someone who's her father's age.

Fair point, I agree.

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

To be clear, I am talking about a very specific subset of men - older ones who go after very young women.

But what does “go after” mean? If it means “try to seduce”, then of course it’s bad. But a younger man trying to use a woman his age for sex is equally bad. I don’t see why older men need to be singled out here.

 

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

when we have older male posters who are asking advice on pursuing a young woman, I also tell them that it's vasty inappropriate.  

But why is it inappropriate for an older man to fall in love with a younger woman, and for them to be together?
 

[basil67]

@Gebidozo I'm afraid we will have to agree to disagree.  And I stand by wanting to give the 48yo MM in this topic a good talking to

[Sony12]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

@Gebidozo I'm afraid we will have to agree to disagree.  And I stand by wanting to give the 48yo MM in this topic a good talking to

Though it can be viewed as icky as long as the situations are consensual and no crimes are being committed there really isn't much wrong with it. We shouldn't paint people as villains just because they may view others as attractive who might not have the same kind of life experience that they have. What people should instead do is give the younger person's pointers on how to handle the situation.

There are a lot of women these days getting together with men nearly the age (and sometimes even younger) as their own kids as well. And in many instances they are getting together with these young men for the same exact reasons men are getting together with younger women. And they ignore men their own age for the same exact reasons men ignore women their own age.

It's just the dating culture that the internet has brought about. There are a lot more choices available to people than there ever was before. These days a female teacher can lead a very respectable career working with young people and then go home, pull up her dating app, and talk to men who may be less than a decade older than the young people she teaches and tell them how hot she thinks they are and what she would like to do to them. And as long as she keeps those two parts of her life separate there won't be any consequences for her.

Edited May 6 by Sony12

[SCMandy]

11 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Oh, come on.  From your first post:

The way you describe it SCREAMS hook-up site.  and then you top it off by saying you were "hooking up"  after you "ended up getting together."

It seems like you are shifting your story.   But everyone reading that is reading "HOOK UP SITE LEADING TO HOOK UP."

Shifting my story? Because we had been talking for months before ever getting together leads someone to assume we met on a ‘hook up’ site? That is not even close to being a logical assumption.  

[SCMandy]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Thread getting derailed again, so I'll bring it back to OP:

OP, when was the last time you spoke to him? How did you two leave it the night (or day) that this happened? 

Thank you.  I ended up speaking to him yesterday and explained my reaction a bit more clearly.  That night I reacted poorly, and pretty much got freaked out and abruptly ended things and left.  I really handled it poorly in the moment and it was weighing on me, and then I think the embarrassment got the best of me and led me to wait before responding to him until a few days, almost a week, later 

[Sony12]

5 minutes ago, SCMandy said:

Thank you.  I ended up speaking to him yesterday and explained my reaction a bit more clearly.  That night I reacted poorly, and pretty much got freaked out and abruptly ended things and left.  I really handled it poorly in the moment and it was weighing on me, and then I think the embarrassment got the best of me and led me to wait before responding to him until a few days, almost a week, later 

Did you two agree to try to meet again?

[BaileyB]

Or has he by chance realized your youth and inexperience and reconsidered his plan?

[ExpatInItaly]

29 minutes ago, SCMandy said:

I ended up speaking to him yesterday and explained my reaction a bit more clearly

And how did he respond to this? 

[NuevoYorko]

12 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Why not, I know plenty of men in that age range that are interested in a serious relationship with a young woman.

I don't and I am in that age range.

Age peers are always on a more level playing field, so I don't think of it as likely that a young woman will "fall prey" to a guy her own age.  Sure she might get played, used, heartbroken.   As he might as well.

Men who look to date others decades younger than they are generally have some unsavory reasons - either they want to have the upper hand, or they are overly interested in physical appearances to the exclusion of other things.  Having things in common are far down on their lists of priorities in a relationship and I don't think that actively seeking something like that  speaks well of the person who's doing il.

I know that extreme age gap relationships have worked out.   I don't know of any in my personal experience.  

[SCMandy]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And how did he respond to this? 

He was incredibly kind and respectful.  He didn’t push me or make me feel uncomfortable at all and didn’t try to force the issue at all.  He said he would leave it in my court but that he at least would love to continue getting to know me as friends if I didn’t think things could go anywhere as a result.

All in all I am glad I opened up to him and could not love how he handled the conversation anymore.

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, SCMandy said:

he at least would love to continue getting to know me as friends

For what purpose? 

When one or both of you find someone else to date, they are not going to be very accepting of this “friendship.” No woman is going to want to date a man who has a close “friendship” with a young woman half his age… and no man is going to want to date a woman who has a close “friendship” with an older man. No offence, but this is nonsense. 

[NuevoYorko]

I'm not tracking how you'd morph from an arranged "hook-up" to pursuing a friendship, regardless of the size of his penis, your age gap, or how the hook-up was a fail.

[Els]

41 minutes ago, SCMandy said:

He was incredibly kind and respectful.  He didn’t push me or make me feel uncomfortable at all and didn’t try to force the issue at all.  He said he would leave it in my court but that he at least would love to continue getting to know me as friends if I didn’t think things could go anywhere as a result.

All in all I am glad I opened up to him and could not love how he handled the conversation anymore.

I'm a bit confused. How did you get to know this person in the first place? Your use of the term "hooking up" in your opening post naturally leads people to think that you two started off with the intention of a hookup. Is that not what you meant?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, SCMandy said:

 He said he would leave it in my court

And what do you want to do from here? 

[SCMandy]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And what do you want to do from here? 

I’m just going to stop responding to this thread.  I came here in hopes of not being judged yet I feel that is all that is happening and I don’t have time for the negativity.  

[ExpatInItaly]

48 minutes ago, SCMandy said:

 I came here in hopes of not being judged yet I feel that is all that is happening and I don’t have time for the negativity.  

Huh?

All I asked you was what you wanted to do from here. Meaning, do you want to proceed with him? 

 I don't see how I have judged you or been negative with you.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, SCMandy said:

I’m just going to stop responding to this thread.  I came here in hopes of not being judged yet I feel that is all that is happening and I don’t have time for the negativity.  

Realistically, when you are considering dating/the possibility of a relationship with a man who is old enough to be your father, I think you need to be prepared for the fact that people will have different opinions about the relationship. Not all will be positive - some will be supportive, others may be curious, and there will be people who have negative/judgmental opinions about the relationship. At the end of the day, it’s your life and your relationship so what others think does not really matter… but you have to be prepared for the fact that some may not support the relationship or even be be particularly kind with their comments.

Edited May 6 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

18 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Why not, I know plenty of men in that age range that are interested in a serious relationship with a young woman.

My partner has a friend of similar age who is endlessly pursuing younger women. My partner calls his friend “Peter Pan” in that he has really not matured. He has very unrealistic expectations and he is very much seeking his own happiness in the arms of a beautiful young woman. As a result, he is endlessly unhappy because he’s not generally successful finding younger women who are interested - most of his relationships are casual and very short lived. He is actually quite depressed, my partner feels quite badly for him… But, he is unwilling to listen to any advice or consider any other options. 

Not saying that it doesn’t happen and it can’t become a successful relationship - my friend is in her late forties and she is dating a man in his sixties. That is a different story, both people have life experience that levels the playing field a little more than this situation. But still, their relationship was not initially supported by many people and she now struggles with the idea that she will find herself alone for the later part of her life as he ages and possibly becomes disabled/requires care or passes away… 

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, SCMandy said:

  I came here in hopes of not being judged yet I feel that is all that is happening and I don’t have time for the negativity.  

Judged?  How?  I don't think anyone has cast any aspersions on you going for a hookup with a guy you'd been "talking to."  There's nothing wrong with it.   It's just that your narrative has taken quite a diversion from how it started out.

The guy is probably getting some judging but he's not even here so no harm done.  

 

 

[Gaeta]

19 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

In my professional circle, relationships between older men and younger women are very common. Absolutely nobody makes a big deal out of that.

It's not the age difference or the gender the issue, the issue is when one of the party is young and without much experience. 

I would not want my 20 yo daughter to experience love for the first time with a 50 year old man who's been around the block and back many times. I would feel the the same if l had a son.

I don't remember you mentionned having children but if you did l doubt you'd be excited your 24 yo daughter brought home a 50 year old.