Perspective

[ZA Dater]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

As what you like changed over the years? Nowadays I don't like what I used to like at 20 yo or 30 yo....I especially don't like what I was into at 40 (I'm embarrassed to say I had a bodybuilder phase lol). My bf happens to be very tall but the man I dated before him was 5'8''. Attractiveness comes in different package. You sound like you refuse explore, think outside the box. Have you ever met someone that was not your typical type of woman but after spending a bit of time with her she became beautiful? That's very important. You can date the most attractive woman in the world but if she is not kind and loving you won't see her physical beauty anymore. 

No I have not and I have tried this often. When I mean attractive I mean overall not just physical appearance. I have had to think outside the box always I never have much choice.

What I like has not changed there is a very particular personality I find very attractive but I can't compete against the competition and these people have endless choice. 

Edited March 21 by ZA Dater

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

What I like has not changed there is a very particular personality I find very attractive but I can't compete against the competition and these people have endless choice. 

So the solution would be for you to date within your mean. I find Jason Statham very attractive but I know better than going after younger, fit, rich men. 

You decide what you want A) you want a partner to love and grow old with or B) you want a fantasy that will never materialize.

[FredEire]

17 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Maybe you help with this, how do you pretend to others everything is well when it is not? I can't do that anymore so I need some advice.

The successful guys I know tend to be able to date people they want rather than settling for whoever wants to date them.

I have nowhere to meet people and zero confidence either so I just go about my day, sure I'll see someone superficially attractive but I know she wont be single. Every single person around me has a partner

 

It's a skill. If you don't feel positively about something choose to talk about something you can converse about constructively. Choose lighter topics with people you don't well and share your burdens only with those closer to you.

There's people to meet wherever you are, if you're in a tiny rural town you might consider finding a route out of there to somewhere more busy?

People tend to settle down as they get closer to 40, but again that doesn't mean that meeting someone is impossible, there's plenty of singles as well

[ZA Dater]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So the solution would be for you to date within your mean. I find Jason Statham very attractive but I know better than going after younger, fit, rich men. 

You decide what you want A) you want a partner to love and grow old with or B) you want a fantasy that will never materialize.

Well then I am done because the alternative has zero appeal at all. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Thks as always for the advice.

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Well then I am done because the alternative has zero appeal at all. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Thks as always for the advice.

Well it's hard to say what your ceiling is without knowing you but you'll attract a hell of a lot more women as a healthy, wealthy, fit and confident man than someone feeling sorry for themself on a dating forum who only looks at negatives and assumes everything will always go badly, which is where you're at right now. That kind of outlook will attract pretty much nobody even if you were a handsome young model.

[ZA Dater]

5 minutes ago, FredEire said:

It's a skill. If you don't feel positively about something choose to talk about something you can converse about constructively. Choose lighter topics with people you don't well and share your burdens only with those closer to you.

There's people to meet wherever you are, if you're in a tiny rural town you might consider finding a route out of there to somewhere more busy?

People tend to settle down as they get closer to 40, but again that doesn't mean that meeting someone is impossible, there's plenty of singles as well

Unfortunately my issue is written across my face it's very very hard to pretend everything is ok. There are singles, tinder and bumble are full of them. Nobody in swipe right on swipes on me, heck I cannot even attract tourists and my city is full of them. That says something too 

Again I them sit at lunch with this friend, again should I ask so someone out who takes 5 days to respond to a txt msg?

He says I should. I think it's a stupid idea which will certainly be more rejection.

[ZA Dater]

1 minute ago, FredEire said:

Well it's hard to say what your ceiling is without knowing you but you'll attract a hell of a lot more women as a healthy, wealthy, fit and confident man than someone feeling sorry for themself on a dating forum who only looks at negatives and assumes everything will always go badly, which is where you're at right now. That kind of outlook will attract pretty much nobody even if you were a handsome young model.

My ceiling is everyone I do not have any interest in. That's always been the case , fee years ago met someone I really liked, spent a lot of time with her, still got passed up. I simply get used for any enotional support I may give and then get thrown away.

 

[FredEire]

12 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Unfortunately my issue is written across my face it's very very hard to pretend everything is ok. There are singles, tinder and bumble are full of them. Nobody in swipe right on swipes on me, heck I cannot even attract tourists and my city is full of them. That says something too 

Again I them sit at lunch with this friend, again should I ask so someone out who takes 5 days to respond to a txt msg?

He says I should. I think it's a stupid idea which will certainly be more rejection.

So go to therapy man, it would be really helpful.

I'm not the biggest fan of PUA in general but one thing that might be useful for you too is to approach women and ask them out/ask for their number. The vast majority of approaches of course will be rejections, but it will help you get over it and realise it's not actually a big deal at all. As an absolute bonus you might get a couple of unexpected yeses as well.

You need exposure though to get out of your head and into the real world, that's something that's pretty clear to me.

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I simply get used for any enotional support I may give and then get thrown away.

We've said often, you give your attention to the wrong women. They don't reply within 48 hours, pass. They call you for support and it's a one way game, pass. She is wishy washy when you propose a date, pass. You often get fixated on a woman you find attractive, she doesn't give you the time of the day but you stand by hoping and analyzing how you can act to sweep her off of her feet. 

[FredEire]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

We've said often, you give your attention to the wrong women. They don't reply within 48 hours, pass. They call you for support and it's a one way game, pass. She is wishy washy when you propose a date, pass. You often get fixated on a woman you find attractive, she doesn't give you the time of the day but you stand by hoping and analyzing how you can act to sweep her off of her feet. 

Exactly, these women have get your attention, try to fit themselves into your busy exciting life. They don't want someone who feels they need them desperately and getting a date with them is a life and death situation. It shouldn't hold so much importance what they think of you.

[OKtoday]

7 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

As you say I like what I like no getting away from that. Just need to make the best of it whatever I can get I suppose be it a good conversation. I'll just keep inviting this person to events which she seems to like and accept that's the best I can do and once again rue ever believing I had a chance at more than that.

I’d say no to this type of downer, poor me energy, even if you were the best looking guy in town.

[ZA Dater]

19 minutes ago, OKtoday said:

I’d say no to this type of downer, poor me energy, even if you were the best looking guy in town.

Which I am not so that's perfectly ok😄

[Alpacalia]

The threads always has the same theme where you talk about yourself incessantly and it doesn't seem like anyone outside you exists.

 

[ZA Dater]

51 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

We've said often, you give your attention to the wrong women. They don't reply within 48 hours, pass. They call you for support and it's a one way game, pass. She is wishy washy when you propose a date, pass. You often get fixated on a woman you find attractive, she doesn't give you the time of the day but you stand by hoping and analyzing how you can act to sweep her off of her feet. 

Well I like their personalities, I like the way they engage with me, I like the conversation, I enjoy some attention from someone I enjoy spending time with. In most aspects this is pretty much like the dates my friend has, the difference is his dates are attracted to him, these ladies are no matter what I do are not attracted to me.

So when people sit in front of me and pretend to know what I go through based on their very different experience of mostly positive I find it rather insincere at best.

 

[ZA Dater]

4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

The threads always has the same theme where you talk about yourself incessantly and it doesn't seem like anyone outside you exists.

 

Sure on the one hand those around me date, I cannot. That's the simply fact, they are grovelling to date either. Can people succeed, sure most people on here are proof of that.

Every single day I make sacrifices for others which I do willingly, I try do the right thing, I try live my life well giving due thought to others but does it actually matter? 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

So go to therapy man, it would be really helpful.

I'm not the biggest fan of PUA in general but one thing that might be useful for you too is to approach women and ask them out/ask for their number. The vast majority of approaches of course will be rejections, but it will help you get over it and realise it's not actually a big deal at all. As an absolute bonus you might get a couple of unexpected yeses as well.

You need exposure though to get out of your head and into the real world, that's something that's pretty clear to me.

Been there got many t-shirts, no value was added and i just left feeling more of a misfit than when I arrived. Sadly I just have to concede people do not find me attractive because there is just something fundamentally horrid about me. If someone just told me I am ugly disgusting and I'll never date anyone I find attractive it would be hard to live but much easier than feeling like a misfit.

Attractive people are just born that way for some of us it's well, too bad for us. All this nonsense I was told growing up " you are so handsome". Just garbage.

[Alpacalia]

27 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Sure on the one hand those around me date, I cannot. That's the simply fact, they are grovelling to date either. Can people succeed, sure most people on here are proof of that.

Every single day I make sacrifices for others which I do willingly, I try do the right thing, I try live my life well giving due thought to others but does it actually matter? 

No. It's an energy drainer and your threads go in circles because any of the advise given to you just circles back to anything which isn't in your self interest, you come back to attack it in a roundabout way because of course that's what comes first to you.

Things that are said are your downfall. This attitude is like a destructive virus. Because of the low emotional intelligence you cannot even be objective to what is being advised to you, you trip on your own understanding of those words, you throw a spanner in the works. I think this serves you in some way. It's like a petulant child fighting against long term solutions to push his own way in any situation. 

Edited March 21 by Alpacalia

[FredEire]

14 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Been there got many t-shirts, no value was added and i just left feeling more of a misfit than when I arrived. Sadly I just have to concede people do not find me attractive because there is just something fundamentally horrid about me. If someone just told me I am ugly disgusting and I'll never date anyone I find attractive it would be hard to live but much easier than feeling like a misfit.

Attractive people are just born that way for some of us it's well, too bad for us. All this nonsense I was told growing up " you are so handsome". Just garbage.

Well ok, if you treat yourself like a leper then don't be surprised when others treat you like one as well.

Posting on here is entirely useless as you don't seem to be open to change whatsoever.

[ZA Dater]

4 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Well ok, if you treat yourself like a leper then don't be surprised when others treat you like one as well.

Posting on here is entirely useless as you don't seem to be open to change whatsoever.

Nobody else I know who dates successfull has had to change anything. That being said I have tried to drag some more confidence, I have tried to be more open, I have tried to be more outgoing. None of this has brought me any benefit, none of it resulted in any improvement. I still did it anyway.

I am a leper in terms of attraction, that's very clear. My entire life I have been the outsider misfit. Never fitted in at all, teased relentlessly for it. I kept going.

Flip I went to bars and clubs which I hated in some misguided hope I'd maybe be deemed attractive enough, I wasn't but boy my friend was. 

My story is nothing new millions have the same story.

[FredEire]

14 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Nobody else I know who dates successfull has had to change anything. That being said I have tried to drag some more confidence, I have tried to be more open, I have tried to be more outgoing. None of this has brought me any benefit, none of it resulted in any improvement. I still did it anyway.

I am a leper in terms of attraction, that's very clear. My entire life I have been the outsider misfit. Never fitted in at all, teased relentlessly for it. I kept going.

Flip I went to bars and clubs which I hated in some misguided hope I'd maybe be deemed attractive enough, I wasn't but boy my friend was. 

My story is nothing new millions have the same story.

Yes they have, you just see the finished product and assume they are some kind of perfect person. They still struggle in life sometimes, everybody does.

Have you ever gone to a psychologist? It would be enormously helpful to deal with any underlying mental health issues you may have, it's a roadblock in your way.

As I said being good looking is a bonus but ultimately I'd say 80% of it is attitude. When I was in that self-pity state you described in my teens and twenties I was a pretty good looking young guy but still got treated as an outsider because I treated myself as one. Address that first before you assume you don't live up to some sort of objective standard.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Nobody else I know who dates successful has had to change anything.

Of course we did. I was the guy in high school that wanted to date the cheerleader but she had no time for me because I wasn’t the football player. If I hadn’t changed my perspective and mindset in my 20s and broadened the pool of women I would date, I would have just stayed stuck lamenting the fact that cheerleaders weren’t attracted to me.

 

In fact unrequited crushes in high school and early adulthood are very common and normal. While some people stay stuck and try to find their value by getting the proverbial cheerleader to date them later in life I prove their worth, most of us just learn and adapt.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

 

Edited March 21 by Weezy1973
Double post

[ZA Dater]

25 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Of course we did. I was the guy in high school that wanted to date the cheerleader but she had no time for me because I wasn’t the football player. If I hadn’t changed my perspective and mindset in my 20s and broadened the pool of women I would date, I would have just stayed stuck lamenting the fact that cheerleaders weren’t attracted to me.

 

In fact unrequited crushes in high school and early adulthood are very common and normal. While some people stay stuck and try to find their value by getting the proverbial cheerleader to date them later in life I prove their worth, most of us just learn and adapt.

Bluntly if I cannot date someone I find attractive there is no point dating at all. The bar is not set very high and I believe what I find attractive is fairly ordinary so if that is not possible then yeah I don't see much point. What I like has nothing to with value when someone speaks well has intelligent things to say can talk about many topics has confidence, I notice these things. Yes she is blond and tall but that doesn't define her.

I forgot to add to all of this "well you should date single mothers afterall at your age most ladies will have kids" again said by so someone older who won't date single mothers. 

Honestly and I mean this sincerely what you accomplished I could not do, I really could not. 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Nobody else I know who dates successfull has had to change anything. That being said I have tried to drag some more confidence, I have tried to be more open, I have tried to be more outgoing. None of this has brought me any benefit, none of it resulted in any improvement. I still did it anyway.

I am a leper in terms of attraction, that's very clear. My entire life I have been the outsider misfit. Never fitted in at all, teased relentlessly for it. I kept going.

Flip I went to bars and clubs which I hated in some misguided hope I'd maybe be deemed attractive enough, I wasn't but boy my friend was. 

My story is nothing new millions have the same story.

How can you say that you tried to change something if you still call yourself a “leper in terms of attraction”?

Obviously, you just tried to change your manners, the words you say, the things you do. That’s not real change. Real change comes from inside. Saying confidently sounding stuff and acting confidently won’t make you confident. You can get therapy or work on yourself alone, but it’s very clear that you severely lack self-appreciation.

You think you have nothing to offer, and women believe you. They sense it. They don’t like you because you don’t like yourself. Love yourself and others will follow.

 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

Yes they have, you just see the finished product and assume they are some kind of perfect person. They still struggle in life sometimes, everybody does.

Have you ever gone to a psychologist? It would be enormously helpful to deal with any underlying mental health issues you may have, it's a roadblock in your way.

As I said being good looking is a bonus but ultimately I'd say 80% of it is attitude. When I was in that self-pity state you described in my teens and twenties I was a pretty good looking young guy but still got treated as an outsider because I treated myself as one. Address that first before you assume you don't live up to some sort of objective standard.

I have always thought I could overcome the issues with what I am good at but that's never been the case. Here in this latest mess I could actually be me, use everything I am good at and still it did not help.

Would it be safe to assume some people do find dating much easier than others? Is that a fair statement?

You have actually given me one compromise idea that might work, I'll get some sort of interaction via the friendzone. Not ideal but better than nothing.