basil67 Posted March 23 Share Posted March 23 11 hours ago, Vekoma said: Wow. A little un-empathetic and harsh. I think my feelings are perfectly natural given the way I was blindsided and had not one single clue anything was wrong. We were literally in the middle of selling property and (I’ve since found out) he had been and told all my family he was going to propose to me….who even does that? It doesn’t take 4 happy years of being with someone to suddenly decide ‘somethings missing’ and bail on them out of nowhere without communicating anything at all to suggest that. That’s on him, not me. If after all this, it makes me ‘petty’ to at least think he might be even slightly a little bit hurt. I’m the one who’s behaving maturely at work, he isn’t. I don’t actually see what I’ve done wrong? Yes, your feelings are absolutely normal and you need time to grieve. However, rather than trying to analyze him, his current feelings and what he's done and is doing is pointless. You need to be focusing on yourself and your own healing. You ask "who does that?" A friend of a friend recently ended an engagement because she had an epiphany that he was boring and she couldn't spend her life with him. I'm sure he was heartbroken just like you are, but she knew that no amount of discussion would change his personality. So yes, people do end long term relationships after a sudden realisation and it hurts a lot....but it's better than a divorce. Or he could have been quietly mulling over an internal debate of stay and marry vs leave With you believing that he's a bit hurt, did something happen which would make him angry with you or hurt over something you said? If not, then he's likely not hurt. The dumper usually has a sense of relief after having ended a relationship...where as a tremendous amount of hurt is suffered by the dumpee. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted March 24 Share Posted March 24 On 3/21/2024 at 11:07 PM, Vekoma said: don’t want it for him either that he feels awkward and has to be hiding at work. That’s not the sign of a happy ‘coping’ person and it’s not a healthy way to live. The thing is, it's none of your business how he chooses to cope with working with an ex. It seems like you probably have some boundary issues where this guy is concerned. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 24 Share Posted March 24 It's awkward to have to work together. You two have different coping styles. You seem to want to stay friends and he seems to want to move forward and wash his hands of things. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vekoma Posted March 24 Author Share Posted March 24 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: It's awkward to have to work together. You two have different coping styles. You seem to want to stay friends and he seems to want to move forward and wash his hands of things. Yes, of course, I can appreciate people cope differently…..I guess all that has confused me is the shift from cordiality for a few months to then shifting to outright running away and ducking into doors. It’s really strange. Ho hum. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vekoma Posted March 24 Author Share Posted March 24 6 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: The thing is, it's none of your business how he chooses to cope with working with an ex. It seems like you probably have some boundary issues where this guy is concerned. I don’t have boundary issues at all. I’ve been nothing but polite and cordial to him and he was reciprocating for quite some time. If he now wants to run away when he sees me, months later, then I don’t see how that’s my problem with boundaries - that’s his. I just find the shift confusing is all, people usually start to get better over time and I’ve done nothing to make him start running away when he sees me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 24 Share Posted March 24 You will likely never know why he's behaving this way right now. What's important is that you keep your head held high at work and remain professional, and continue to ignore it. There is nothing else you can do, in practical terms. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 18 hours ago, Vekoma said: I don’t have boundary issues at all. I’ve been nothing but polite and cordial to him and he was reciprocating for quite some time. If he now wants to run away when he sees me, months later, then I don’t see how that’s my problem with boundaries - that’s his. YOUR problem is that you are allowing how HE chooses to handle being broken up with you wihile still needing to see you at work all the time in a way that you don't like. That is a boundary issue of YOURS. What you need to do is to figure out how to be OK with him going about his life as he chooses. It's a difficult part of breaking up. Much worse for people who have to see each other at work. If he wants to run away when he sees you, that's up to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 21 hours ago, Vekoma said: I just find the shift confusing is all, people usually start to get better over time and I’ve done nothing to make him start running away when he sees me. And there in lies the problem - you keep going back to thinking that his reaction would be related to something you've done. But this is about him and how he's processing it - it's not about you. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 I imagine you know by now to never get romantically involved with men you work with because when the break up happens it becomes a s*** show. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vekoma Posted March 25 Author Share Posted March 25 On 3/24/2024 at 12:43 PM, ExpatInItaly said: You will likely never know why he's behaving this way right now. What's important is that you keep your head held high at work and remain professional, and continue to ignore it. There is nothing else you can do, in practical terms. Thankyou. As much as I’ve been utterly heartbroken and devastated over this, the one thing I am so proud of myself for is that I have never once bad mouthed him to colleagues or allowed it to affect my work or relationships with work colleagues despite the horrible treatment and cruel way he dumped me - won’t go into the details entirely but it was handled by him extremely badly and I had zero clue anything was wrong. In the early days there were one or two colleagues who helped me through having to dash off to the loo and have a cry with, but other than that I’ve remained stoic when I’ve been there. Im upset with myself that it has taken me SO long to get to a place of feeling like I’ve been badly treated and to focus completely on my own self worth and confidence but I can feel it slowly coming back. Im now at the stage of flitting between feeling sad and then feeling really empowered so I hope it means I’m on the right track. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vekoma Posted March 25 Author Share Posted March 25 45 minutes ago, stillafool said: I imagine you know by now to never get romantically involved with men you work with because when the break up happens it becomes a s*** show. Never again! I work in a building of around 4000 people so it’s common unfortunately. It could have been handled so much better (particularly on his part) I’m proud of how I’ve handled it when I’ve been there…..it’s all been more when I’ve come home that things unravelled. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted March 26 Share Posted March 26 (edited) On 3/23/2024 at 12:02 PM, Vekoma said: Yep he was always one of those who said ‘all his exes are mad’ - I should have seen that as a huge red flag to be honest but was in love with him. (...) Despite him initiating all the ‘future’ talk when we were together when he broke up with me he said ‘somethings missing and he now wants to find a wife and a mother’ (...) It sounds very petty of me but is a small comfort to realise he’s probably not dealing with all of this quite as well as he made out when he seemingly chucked me out of our home out of nowhere and didn’t seem upset whatsoever. He’s spiralling. It’s really sad. He’s thrown someone away who adored him and who everyone said was good for him. That was definitely a red flag. 🙂 --- Sometimes it happens that people initiate future talk because they're trying to convince themselves that a relationship is right for them. Problem is, when they finally admit to themselves that it's not working for them, their partners get blindsided. --- You know what? Let's go with that interpretation of things: Perhaps you were good for him. And perhaps he regrets ending things. But (and this is what you really should be focusing on) was he good for you? If, objectively speaking, he's not the right person for you, then his breaking up with you was a good thing. I only wish he had been more compassionate about how he did it. But that's not something you can change. On 3/23/2024 at 8:14 PM, stillafool said: It would behoove you not to listen to people who bring news back to you about his activities. It keeps him on your mind and isn't helping you to move on with your life. I agree that he's single now and if he wants to go out and get drunk and hit on young girls that's his business. The people talking about him don't know what he's thinking and are just guessing. If he was grieving about the break up and wanted you back he's had plenty of time to show you and ask you back. Instead, he can't even stand to be in the same room with you. That would be all I need to stay as far away from him as possible and move on with my life. Are you dating other people yet? I agree with this. OP, ask your friends to stop bringing you updates about him. I really wish you could take time off from that environment. If you could, that would give you some room to heal. On 3/23/2024 at 8:37 PM, ExpatInItaly said: The more you write, the more I think he is dating someone else at your workplace and doesn't want her to see him around you. Or at the very least, he is interested in a colleague and doesn't want to give the impression that he's still friendly with you. OP prepare yourself for this possibility and the likelihood that he's eventually going to be weird about it and rub it in your face. If it is possible to distance yourself even more from your ex, this is the time to do it. Edited March 26 by Acacia98 Link to post Share on other sites
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