Why is my ex blanking me at work when he's supposedly over it? How to cope?

[Vekoma]

Why would you actively avoid/blank an ex 7 months after breaking up? Over it? Not over it? It’s confusing and hurtful. 

We were together 4 happy years (late 30s/early 40s) He planned to marry me, start a family with me and we were in the process of buying a house so we could leave the one we rented together. He broke up with a ‘somethings missing’ breakup out of the blue and then basically wouldn’t speak to me. I was absolutely devastated. 

I pass him occasionally at work - even now nearly 7 months on he either blanks me, glares at me, turns on his heel  and really obviously runs away or if someone is there and he thinks their watching I get a terse ‘hello’. This behaviour has almost got worse as time has gone on. 

It’s heartbreaking to see him act this way with me, especially when I haven’t done anything wrong and  completely adored him - ok, I took the breakup really hard initially (as in, was really sad and tearful - never angry or rude) but since then have just been quiet and have tried to be friendly and polite when I see him. 

The way he’s behaved is just terrible and I don’t understand why he’s doing this? You would think I had cheated or done something horrible to him? 

You think if he were so over it and indifferent he wouldn’t need to be like this? If anyone brings up my name in conversation with him for whatever reason he shuts them down immediately. 

What gives? 

Is it going to be this way forever? 
 

I’d just love to speak to him and figure out what the hell has gone on in that head of his? He probably doesn’t know himself……

I’m doing my best to pick myself up and move forwards but it sure isn’t easy dealing with all this at the same time 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he just doesn't want to give you any false hope, so he avoids you. 

It's uncomfortable but there is not much you can (or should) do here. Continue to be civil when you see him at work and keep moving.

There is also a possibility that you're interpreting mal intent in his behaviour where there isn't any, simply because you're still so hurt from the break-up. Your filter might be skewed, in other words. What could be a neutral glance or a hello is glaring or terse in your mind.  My guess is that he is over the break-up but doesn't want to otherwise engage. 

Have you previously tried to get back together with him? 

[Acacia98]

26 minutes ago, Vekoma said:

It's heartbreaking to see him act this way with me, especially when I haven’t done anything wrong and  completely adored him - ok, I took the breakup really hard initially (as in, was really sad and tearful - never angry or rude) but since then have just been quiet and have tried to be friendly and polite when I see him. 

I think it's safe to say he has shown you, through his actions, the model for what your interactions must be like going forward. So stop making an effort to be friendly. Just act as if this is someone you don't know and therefore don't notice much and be polite on the rare occasion when you actually have to engage in public or for work's sake. I know it will feel weird. But you'll eventually get used to it.

[d0nnivain]

It's also work so he is doing what he can to avoid drama.  He's ignoring you because anything else may result in the airing of dirty laundry at work which he doesn't want. 

If seeing him is so upsetting get a new job.  

[Vekoma]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think he just doesn't want to give you any false hope, so he avoids you. 

It's uncomfortable but there is not much you can (or should) do here. Continue to be civil when you see him at work and keep moving.

There is also a possibility that you're interpreting mal intent in his behaviour where there isn't any, simply because you're still so hurt from the break-up. Your filter might be skewed, in other words. What could be a neutral glance or a hello is glaring or terse in your mind.  My guess is that he is over the break-up but doesn't want to otherwise engage. 

Have you previously tried to get back together with him? 

I mean…..he knew I didn’t want us to break up and that I was really sad about it. I’ve done absolutely nothing to warrant this behaviour from him though? 
 

Im finding it really hurtful someone could just completely change and behave like this towards me as it’s making the whole thing worse than it should be - we’re grown adults and he’s behaving like a teenager would 

[Vekoma]

49 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It's also work so he is doing what he can to avoid drama.  He's ignoring you because anything else may result in the airing of dirty laundry at work which he doesn't want. 

If seeing him is so upsetting get a new job.  

There’s certainly no drama from my side. He didn’t break up with me from anything awful happening so there’s no reason not to be polite and friendly to someone who treated him well through the whole relationship. 
 

 If anything him, legging it every time he sees me walking down the corridor is creating drama - people have been commenting on it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you didn't answer one of my questions: 

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Have you previously tried to get back together with him? 

 

[Vekoma]

14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, you didn't answer one of my questions: 

 

Sorry…..

We haven’t tried to get back together. He knows very clearly at the time of breaking up that  I didn’t want that to happen

[Weezy1973]

I broke up with a woman once and acted similarly for a short period of time (albeit we didn’t work together) and it was for the reason already expressed. I really wanted her to get over me as quickly as possible. When I broke up with her she expressed that she kept some hope that maybe I would change my mind in the future and I wanted to make it abundantly clear that that wasn’t going to happen. 

[d0nnivain]

He may be concerned that if he's civil & polite that you will misinterpret that as a desire to get back together. 

I'm sorry he's acting this was but he is.  You can't make him stop & suddenly become mature.  

[NuevoYorko]

He does not want to interact with you at all.  I doubt he's intentionally trying to hurt you - he just does not want to have anything to do with you.  

I understand that this does actually hurt you - but it's not uncommon.  Many people feel this way after a breakup.  I'm sure it's difficult for him to deal with seeing you around work and he's just doing what he needs to do to move on.   

Please try harder to do the same.  

[stillafool]

I agree with others that he's keeping his distance to make sure you don't get the impression that he wants you back.  I know it isn't easy but ignore him and treat him as if he isn't there.  Other people should mind their own business so I wouldn't care what they think.

 

[Vekoma]

sorry I’ve probably not been too clear on what’s been happening…….

I guess what’s confused me is the change from saying the cold hellos to outright literally running away when he sees me and I really don’t know why?? 

Ive been nothing but polite and cordial to him when I’ve seen him throughout but in the last couple of weeks he literally (and very, very obviously) legs it and hides. It’s honestly not me interpreting things correctly as him just carrying about his business.

[Alpacalia]

Sometimes some people want nothing more to deal with a certain person expecially after a breakup or bad experience. They may try to minimize contact and try to move on with their lives. He may choose to simply avoid the discomfort of a negative interaction by avoiding you altogether.

[d0nnivain]

@Vekoma  You may never know what caused him to become like this.  You have to accept that.  Make us a reason in your own head -- preferably one that makes you laugh -- and try to ignore him.  Treat him like a piece of furniture in the office, something you don't walk into but otherwise do not think about.  

[flitzanu]

37 minutes ago, Vekoma said:

 

I guess what’s confused me is the change from saying the cold hellos to outright literally running away when he sees me and I really don’t know why?? 

 

because he doesn't want to speak to you or deal with you.  it is just that simple.  it isn't maturity or how much he has changed or some secret agenda.  he broke up with you, and he wants nothing to do with you, so he is doing everything he can to not have to interact with you.

 

 

[Vekoma]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Sometimes some people want nothing more to deal with a certain person expecially after a breakup or bad experience. They may try to minimize contact and try to move on with their lives. He may choose to simply avoid the discomfort of a negative interaction by avoiding you altogether.

I guess I’m just wondering why post breakup it’s gone from cordial ‘hellos’ to blatantly running away……it just seems really odd when I haven’t done it said anything to warrant the change in how he’s behaving?

[Vekoma]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

@Vekoma  You may never know what caused him to become like this.  You have to accept that.  Make us a reason in your own head -- preferably one that makes you laugh -- and try to ignore him.  Treat him like a piece of furniture in the office, something you don't walk into but otherwise do not think about.  

That’s a useful tip, Thankyou. I have made up reasons in my own head….

I’ve started a work funded masters degree that’s going to give me a 30k pay rise in 18 months, I’ve shed 13kgs and back down to the fitness I was in my early 20’s…..

for my own comfort I’d like to think some of this regressing behaviour from him is down to some sort of regret. We were set to get a house, start a family and he chucked me away like I was nothing. 
 

They say when people are indifferent then they don’t care. His behaviour of now running away as time has passed doesn’t really suggest indifference. I’m clearly having an effect…..it’s hard to deal with seeing it but when I’m feeling strong that’s what I tell myself 

[Alpacalia]

He's not indifferent because you're not indifferent. He broke up with you, but you haven't been able to move on fully and that's why you want answers from him.

9 minutes ago, Vekoma said:

They say when people are indifferent then they don’t care. His behaviour of now running away as time has passed doesn’t really suggest indifference. I’m clearly having an effect…..it’s hard to deal with seeing it but when I’m feeling strong that’s what I tell myself 

 

[stillafool]

21 minutes ago, Vekoma said:

or my own comfort I’d like to think some of this regressing behaviour from him is down to some sort of regret.

Most people who have been dumped want the dumper to feel regret, so you are not alone there.  Most times they don't want you back.  If they do they know how to make it happen and ignoring, being unfriendly and snappy with the dumpee is not it.  He's had 7 months to change his mind about the break up and get you back with you, but he hasn't budged.  Maybe he thinks treating you that way will make you quit and then he won't have to see you again.  I wouldn't try to read his actions.  I would as donnivain said, treat him like a piece of furniture and ignore him.  Can you do that?

[Vekoma]

17 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

He's not indifferent because you're not indifferent. He broke up with you, but you haven't been able to move on fully and that's why you want answers from him.

 

I haven’t asked him for answers nor have I ‘chased’ him so I don’t really understand your comment?

Since he ended things I’ve tried to remain polite and cordial and we both said friendly hellos etc and now I’m seeing a complete regression on his behaviour towards me hence the confusion? 

Why is he now running off when he sees me when I’ve been nothing but friendly and cordial to him? It’s so strange 
 

 

[Vekoma]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Most people who have been dumped want the dumper to feel regret, so you are not alone there.  Most times they don't want you back.  If they do they know how to make it happen and ignoring, being unfriendly and snappy with the dumpee is not it.  He's had 7 months to change his mind about the break up and get you back with you, but he hasn't budged.  Maybe he thinks treating you that way will make you quit and then he won't have to see you again.  I wouldn't try to read his actions.  I would as donnivain said, treat him like a piece of furniture and ignore him.  Can you do that?

That’s the thing though. Up until a few weeks ago we have cordially said hello to each other…..I don’t have anything to ‘quit’ I’ve just been polite and friendly. 
 

I just don’t understand his sudden running away from seeing me?

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Vekoma said:

Why is he now running off when he sees me when I’ve been nothing but friendly and cordial to him? It’s so strange 

Why do you have to be friendly and cordial to someone who wants nothing to do with you and dumped you?  To me that's strange.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Vekoma said:

That’s the thing though. Up until a few weeks ago we have cordially said hello to each other…..I don’t have anything to ‘quit’ I’ve just been polite and friendly. 
 

I just don’t understand his sudden running away from seeing me?

Obviously he''s changed his mind and considered your cordial interactions fake so he stopped.  That's okay and his choice.  You don't have to understand why or what he's doing.  You just have to accept it and move on.

[Alpacalia]

8 minutes ago, Vekoma said:

I haven’t asked him for answers nor have I ‘chased’ him so I don’t really understand your comment?

Since he ended things I’ve tried to remain polite and cordial and we both said friendly hellos etc and now I’m seeing a complete regression on his behaviour towards me hence the confusion? 

Why is he now running off when he sees me when I’ve been nothing but friendly and cordial to him? It’s so strange 
 

 

OK. I'll approach this from a different angle. Why do you care? I know the only times I personally cared was when I was still holding on or if I was hurt by the way he behaved. 

It's evident this man and this relationship is still on your mind. I don't have any contact with my exes with the exception of my high school boyfriend and it's merely on friendly terms via social media  I wouldn't have contact with the others for what purpose? You're no longer in a relationship. You're no longer bound to one another. It's time to let go and move forward.  

At the end of the day, the reason behind his behavior is ultimately his responsibility and it's not on you to try and figure it out. I know when you're going through a break up the need for closure is high, but sometimes the best way to get closure is to let go and move forward, rather than trying to decipher someone else's actions.

It's hard, I get it, been there, but wanting to know why he behaves the way he does, ultimately isn't going to bring you any peace. Unless you were to ask him straight out, and even then, it's not going to change anything. At the end of the day, you're still broken up.