happyhorizons Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 7 minutes ago, Vekoma said: Honestly it’s pathetic…..I just carry on with what I’m doing. They’ve all worked with me for 20 years too and know me well so I know he is the one who is making a complete idiot of himself. I just can’t really understand why he’s gone from being ‘cordial’ to this childish behaviour? The man’s 45 years old for crying out loud. He had EVERY opportunity to fix this when he dumped me. I’ve never been angry or hurtful to him (ok I cried a lot) and even gave him the opportunity to meet me and ‘make friends’ so to speak. I just have to keep on doing what I’m doing in the hopes that one day it won’t bother me quite so much. My poker face has had some real training recently I’ll give you that It will get better/easier that's a certainty it will just take some TIME. You are obviously taking the high road which is admirable. His actions are quite "telling" of what sort of person he really is at his core and I do think that maybe you will look back and be relieved that you did not marry. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vekoma Posted March 21 Author Share Posted March 21 18 minutes ago, happyhorizons said: It will get better/easier that's a certainty it will just take some TIME. You are obviously taking the high road which is admirable. His actions are quite "telling" of what sort of person he really is at his core and I do think that maybe you will look back and be relieved that you did not marry. Thankyou. I feel this whole thing would have been a little easier had he behaved better. Thing is, both of us are going to be there for a LONG time and unfortunately whilst we don’t work directly together he is going to have to see my face everywhere so I’m sure he can’t keep up this horrid dynamic forever. It’s really not pleasant seeing someone run away from you or announce they are leaving a room because of your presence. frustratingly, if this was any other colleague acting this way towards me I would be able to make a complaint about their behaviour. Unfortunately there’s a little less sympathy when it’s an ex 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 4 hours ago, Vekoma said: frustratingly, if this was any other colleague acting this way towards me I would be able to make a complaint about their behaviour. Unfortunately there’s a little less sympathy when it’s an ex you would file a complaint with HR that your ex boyfriend excuses himself from your location and doesn't speak to you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vekoma Posted March 21 Author Share Posted March 21 2 minutes ago, flitzanu said: you would file a complaint with HR that your ex boyfriend excuses himself from your location and doesn't speak to you? Oh god no! I would never do that. Sorry if I didn’t word that clearly. It was more just an observation that if any other colleague in the workplace behaved like that towards you it would be unacceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 I can't imagine being broken up with because he felt like "something was missing" and then being treated like that afterwards. It must be incredibly hurtful and confusing. As much as it may be difficult, it's probably best to try and avoid him as much as possible. He may be trying to protect himself from feelings he still has for you, or he may just not know how to handle the situation. You're going to have to focus on yourself and moving on, even if that means not getting any closure from him. It's not fair that you have to deal with this, but consider it a blessing in disguise. Would you really want to be with someone who can treat you so callously after 4 years together? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vekoma Posted March 21 Author Share Posted March 21 1 hour ago, Alpacalia said: I can't imagine being broken up with because he felt like "something was missing" and then being treated like that afterwards. It must be incredibly hurtful and confusing. As much as it may be difficult, it's probably best to try and avoid him as much as possible. He may be trying to protect himself from feelings he still has for you, or he may just not know how to handle the situation. You're going to have to focus on yourself and moving on, even if that means not getting any closure from him. It's not fair that you have to deal with this, but consider it a blessing in disguise. Would you really want to be with someone who can treat you so callously after 4 years together? Thankyou for your kind words. Honestly his behaviour has been bizarre and hurtful to the extreme - it’s like a person I never knew and our time together meant nothing. The change in the last couple of weeks has been strange too. Callous treatment is a good way to describe it. I don’t know if it’s just reactive/rebelling against someone who’s continued to be ‘nice’ to him that’s made it worse? I don’t know if he is trying to protect his feelings or simply hates my guts? Ive since found out he has a wake of these ‘horrible’ breakups in his past. Thought I might be treated differently as 4 years is a lot longer than his previous record of 14 months but clearly not. 45 years old with the emotional intelligence of a teenager I think. How hes ever going to find happiness I don’t know. Trying to keep my head down and focus on me. It’s just tough having to witness it all. Hopefully one day I’ll laugh at it Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 On 3/19/2024 at 12:29 PM, Vekoma said: I guess I’m just wondering why post breakup it’s gone from cordial ‘hellos’ to blatantly running away……it just seems really odd when I haven’t done it said anything to warrant the change in how he’s behaving? He probably thinks that you are intentionally crossing paths with him, and he wants that to stop. I think you said that you don't work in the same room - can you change your routes around the work environment so the two of you can avoid seeing each other more? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 14 minutes ago, Vekoma said: Thankyou for your kind words. Honestly his behaviour has been bizarre and hurtful to the extreme - it’s like a person I never knew and our time together meant nothing. The change in the last couple of weeks has been strange too. Callous treatment is a good way to describe it. I don’t know if it’s just reactive/rebelling against someone who’s continued to be ‘nice’ to him that’s made it worse? I don’t know if he is trying to protect his feelings or simply hates my guts? Ive since found out he has a wake of these ‘horrible’ breakups in his past. Thought I might be treated differently as 4 years is a lot longer than his previous record of 14 months but clearly not. 45 years old with the emotional intelligence of a teenager I think. How hes ever going to find happiness I don’t know. Trying to keep my head down and focus on me. It’s just tough having to witness it all. Hopefully one day I’ll laugh at it Nothing good ever comes from being a jerk to someone (in the end). Really not sure how you could do that to someone you were GOING TO MARRY and who did NOTHING to you to evoke that response but I do think it involves HIS GUILT. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 8 hours ago, Vekoma said: He did it to me yesterday……I was working on a computer minding my own business and he walked into the room to meet some work colleagues for coffee - saw that I was in there and told them he couldn’t sit in there and left……. I don't think he did anything "TO" you in this instance. If he wants to have coffee with colleagues - why would he choose to do it in a room where his ex was sitting, working? I actually think that it is quite normal for a person, in that situation, to choose elsewhere to have coffee with the colleagues. I would. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 6 hours ago, Vekoma said: It was more just an observation that if any other colleague in the workplace behaved like that towards you it would be unacceptable. Well it's not like you're accepting this as much as this is just the way it is. Just continue to ignore and never look his way. As Neuvo said, is there another route around your work where you can avoid running into him? Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 (edited) 4 hours ago, Vekoma said: Thankyou for your kind words. Honestly his behaviour has been bizarre and hurtful to the extreme - it’s like a person I never knew and our time together meant nothing. The change in the last couple of weeks has been strange too. Callous treatment is a good way to describe it. I don’t know if it’s just reactive/rebelling against someone who’s continued to be ‘nice’ to him that’s made it worse? I don’t know if he is trying to protect his feelings or simply hates my guts? Ive since found out he has a wake of these ‘horrible’ breakups in his past. Thought I might be treated differently as 4 years is a lot longer than his previous record of 14 months but clearly not. 45 years old with the emotional intelligence of a teenager I think. How hes ever going to find happiness I don’t know. Trying to keep my head down and focus on me. It’s just tough having to witness it all. Hopefully one day I’ll laugh at it You will. Right now it stings because it's still fresh. In time, his actions and behavior will make less and less sense and you'll be able to look at it objectively. He may not know what to say to you because he's too ashamed - there are a lot of reasons. Doesn't makes it all right though. At least if you find out that he is still feeling hurt, then at least we can understand that anger, or whatever we see in their eyes. I think for some men, and in some cases, the thought of women knowing how they really feel is as terrifying as death. This is why a lot of guys are so bad at breakups. It literally strikes deathly fear in their hearts. They feel like they've failed and now they might have to admit it to someone that they feel like failed. I don't know. It's just a guess. Edited March 22 by Alpacalia 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vekoma Posted March 22 Author Share Posted March 22 8 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: He probably thinks that you are intentionally crossing paths with him, and he wants that to stop. I think you said that you don't work in the same room - can you change your routes around the work environment so the two of you can avoid seeing each other more? We work in a large building where we both have to work and visit multiple departments a day, sometimes the same one at the same time. Although we don’t work directly with each other avoiding each other totally isn’t possible unfortunately. Since breaking up, he has also had himself an office made in my ‘home’ department (that he has absolutely no business being in) which is a little strange. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vekoma Posted March 22 Author Share Posted March 22 8 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: I don't think he did anything "TO" you in this instance. If he wants to have coffee with colleagues - why would he choose to do it in a room where his ex was sitting, working? I actually think that it is quite normal for a person, in that situation, to choose elsewhere to have coffee with the colleagues. I would. When he walked in and noticed me he mumbled something at his colleagues whilst literally pointing at me (I could see him do this in the reflection of the computer screen….) I guess we’re all different…..if he were sat in a room where I had chosen to meet with others, I know I wouldn’t do that - I’d carry on with whatever it was I was doing. It just seems as time has gone on he’s gone from pretending he was fine with everything to his behaviour appearing anxious and avoidant when he sees me. I find it strange? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 You will find no answers or resolution in trying to guess at his motives, so perhaps it's better if you change jobs 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vekoma Posted March 22 Author Share Posted March 22 4 minutes ago, basil67 said: You will find no answers or resolution in trying to guess at his motives, so perhaps it's better if you change jobs Absolutely not - I’m on a funded post graduate course through my work place set to give me 30k payrise in the next 12 months and my dream job….. (it’s pretty specialised, I’d literally have to move across the country to find it elsewhere) All of this isn’t so bad that I want to move jobs. It’s just crappy to deal with when all I want to do it talk with him and at least make some peace…..for someone who blindsided me out of no where and didn’t show an ounce of upset I don’t really see why months and months down the line why that would be so difficult and he’s only got worse? I don’t want it for him either that he feels awkward and has to be hiding at work. That’s not the sign of a happy ‘coping’ person and it’s not a healthy way to live. Like I say, I’m sure he won’t keep it up forever. Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 You are going to just have to let IT GO. The constant why this or why that has got to be exhausting. It really does seem that he has someone else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 23 Share Posted March 23 22 hours ago, Vekoma said: I don’t want it for him either that he feels awkward and has to be hiding at work. That’s not the sign of a happy ‘coping’ person and it’s not a healthy way to live. He's doing what's right for him 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted March 23 Share Posted March 23 (edited) On 3/21/2024 at 3:05 PM, Vekoma said: He did it to me yesterday……I was working on a computer minding my own business and he walked into the room to meet some work colleagues for coffee - saw that I was in there and told them he couldn’t sit in there and left…….I didn’t even lift my head, I just remain stoic and neutral. So he’s started doing it in front of other people now. What they must think of him I don’t know. Here, it sounds like even as he ignores you, he wants to be sure he gets your attention. On 3/21/2024 at 4:03 PM, happyhorizons said: It will get better/easier that's a certainty it will just take some TIME. You are obviously taking the high road which is admirable. His actions are quite "telling" of what sort of person he really is at his core and I do think that maybe you will look back and be relieved that you did not marry. I was thinking the same thing. The more you describe his behavior, the weirder he sounds. I can't help thinking that there's a tremendous amount of emotional immaturity involved and it's probably for the best that you're no longer with this person. On 3/21/2024 at 11:32 PM, Vekoma said: Honestly his behaviour has been bizarre and hurtful to the extreme - it’s like a person I never knew and our time together meant nothing. The change in the last couple of weeks has been strange too. Callous treatment is a good way to describe it. I don’t know if it’s just reactive/rebelling against someone who’s continued to be ‘nice’ to him that’s made it worse? I don’t know if he is trying to protect his feelings or simply hates my guts? Ive since found out he has a wake of these ‘horrible’ breakups in his past. Thought I might be treated differently as 4 years is a lot longer than his previous record of 14 months but clearly not. 45 years old with the emotional intelligence of a teenager I think. There you go. He sounds like a bit of a drama queen, honestly. He's putting on a performance for you and your colleagues. The ultimate goal: I don't know. Maybe time will tell. So he has had a pattern of behaving like this in the past? I guess this is who he is, then. Does he routinely date and break up with women from your place of work? I wonder what else you will eventually learn about him that you didn't know when you were together. On 3/22/2024 at 8:12 AM, Vekoma said: Since breaking up, he has also had himself an office made in my ‘home’ department (that he has absolutely no business being in) which is a little strange. Your ex is a strange guy. Edited March 23 by Acacia98 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vekoma Posted March 23 Author Share Posted March 23 3 hours ago, Acacia98 said: Here, it sounds like even as he ignores you, he wants to be sure he gets your attention. I was thinking the same thing. The more you describe his behavior, the weirder he sounds. I can't help thinking that there's a tremendous amount of emotional immaturity involved and it's probably for the best that you're no longer with this person. There you go. He sounds like a bit of a drama queen, honestly. He's putting on a performance for you and your colleagues. The ultimate goal: I don't know. Maybe time will tell. So he has had a pattern of behaving like this in the past? I guess this is who he is, then. Does he routinely date and break up with women from your place of work? I wonder what else you will eventually learn about him that you didn't know when you were together. Your ex is a strange guy. Yep he was always one of those who said ‘all his exes are mad’ - I should have seen that as a huge red flag to be honest but was in love with him. Prior to spending 4 years with me his longest relationship was 14 months. Friends and colleagues were thrilled when we got together and said he changed when he met me. Despite him initiating all the ‘future’ talk when we were together when he broke up with me he said ‘somethings missing and he now wants to find a wife and a mother’ Ive since learnt he’s been out at a club (somewhere he would never go) was absolutely wasted to the point of not being able to stand, was trying it on with someone in their early 20’s and was thrown out for being so wasted. It sounds very petty of me but is a small comfort to realise he’s probably not dealing with all of this quite as well as he made out when he seemingly chucked me out of our home out of nowhere and didn’t seem upset whatsoever. He’s spiralling. It’s really sad. He’s thrown someone away who adored him and who everyone said was good for him. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 23 Share Posted March 23 1 hour ago, Vekoma said: Yep he was always one of those who said ‘all his exes are mad’ - I should have seen that as a huge red flag to be honest but was in love with him. Prior to spending 4 years with me his longest relationship was 14 months. Friends and colleagues were thrilled when we got together and said he changed when he met me. Despite him initiating all the ‘future’ talk when we were together when he broke up with me he said ‘somethings missing and he now wants to find a wife and a mother’ Ive since learnt he’s been out at a club (somewhere he would never go) was absolutely wasted to the point of not being able to stand, was trying it on with someone in their early 20’s and was thrown out for being so wasted. It sounds very petty of me but is a small comfort to realise he’s probably not dealing with all of this quite as well as he made out when he seemingly chucked me out of our home out of nowhere and didn’t seem upset whatsoever. He’s spiralling. It’s really sad. He’s thrown someone away who adored him and who everyone said was good for him. Yes, it is petty. And it's quite possible he's having a great sense of relief. He was probably being honest when he said that you weren't the wife and mother he was looking for. And there's nothing wrong with ending a relationship, going clubbing, getting shitfaced and trying it on with a young thing. And while you may have adored him, if you were good for him, he wouldn't have ended it. This is the risk you take when dating someone who's in your workplace: You can't be rid of them if all falls to pieces. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vekoma Posted March 23 Author Share Posted March 23 7 minutes ago, basil67 said: Yes, it is petty. And it's quite possible he's having a great sense of relief. He was probably being honest when he said that you weren't the wife and mother he was looking for. And there's nothing wrong with ending a relationship, going clubbing, getting shitfaced and trying it on with a young thing. And while you may have adored him, if you were good for him, he wouldn't have ended it. This is the risk you take when dating someone who's in your workplace: You can't be rid of them if all falls to pieces. Wow. A little un-empathetic and harsh. I think my feelings are perfectly natural given the way I was blindsided and had not one single clue anything was wrong. We were literally in the middle of selling property and (I’ve since found out) he had been and told all my family he was going to propose to me….who even does that? It doesn’t take 4 happy years of being with someone to suddenly decide ‘somethings missing’ and bail on them out of nowhere without communicating anything at all to suggest that. That’s on him, not me. If after all this, it makes me ‘petty’ to at least think he might be even slightly a little bit hurt. I’m the one who’s behaving maturely at work, he isn’t. I don’t actually see what I’ve done wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted March 23 Share Posted March 23 (edited) 6 hours ago, Vekoma said: I think my feelings are perfectly natural given the way I was blindsided and had not one single clue anything was wrong. Yes, you were blindsided. But I guarantee this was something he had been ruminating on for a long time. When I broke up with a girlfriend of 6 years there was a back and forth in my mind for about a year prior. And I couldn’t really talk to her about it because it was nothing that could be changed. Either I accepted things as they were or I broke up with her. In the end, when I started fantasizing about being broken up and the relief I felt it was clear I needed to end it. And she was blindsided and (at the time) devastated. Lots of tears. Lots of calls to me wanting to understand why. And we were in university at the time and I tried to avoid her as well. There was going to be no “staying friends” despite having a healthy relationship and getting along well, because I really didn’t want her to have false hope. About a year after the break up she moved and we met for a short time before that just because there was still some of my stuff at her (previously our) place and she was happy and excited about her move and new path. Time heals all wounds. Edited March 23 by Weezy1973 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 23 Share Posted March 23 8 hours ago, Vekoma said: Ive since learnt he’s been out at a club (somewhere he would never go) was absolutely wasted to the point of not being able to stand, was trying it on with someone in their early 20’s and was thrown out for being so wasted. It would behoove you not to listen to people who bring news back to you about his activities. It keeps him on your mind and isn't helping you to move on with your life. I agree that he's single now and if he wants to go out and get drunk and hit on young girls that's his business. The people talking about him don't know what he's thinking and are just guessing. If he was grieving about the break up and wanted you back he's had plenty of time to show you and ask you back. Instead, he can't even stand to be in the same room with you. That would be all I need to stay as far away from him as possible and move on with my life. Are you dating other people yet? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 23 Share Posted March 23 The more you write, the more I think he is dating someone else at your workplace and doesn't want her to see him around you. Or at the very least, he is interested in a colleague and doesn't want to give the impression that he's still friendly with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted March 23 Share Posted March 23 3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: The more you write, the more I think he is dating someone else at your workplace and doesn't want her to see him around you. Or at the very least, he is interested in a colleague and doesn't want to give the impression that he's still friendly with you. I am not sure if the NEW someone is at their workplace but I do think there is someone NEW for sure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts