The real truth : Domestic Violence

[SmoochieFace]

So Smoochie-- If you can open your eyes and mind up and look at the BIG BIG BIG picture of someone you can see where some of not most of them come from and why they do what they do..

 

Wow. Some pedigree.

 

So this begs the question... what did you see in your XH knowing his background? Not being smartass or anything... just curious?

[basscatcher]

Wow. Some pedigree.

 

So this begs the question... what did you see in your XH knowing his background? Not being smartass or anything... just curious?

 

I didn't see it for two years.

I was 18 when I met him; right out of High School and alone and lonely. I seen this gorgeous tall long-haired tanned hunk of a man with a beautiful smile, big brown eyes and a sweet babyface.

He is the same age as me (I am actually 27 days older.)

I didn't know all this about his family for about 2 years into the relationship and by then I was already pregnant and he wasn't showing all the signs yet.

It wasn't until after our son was born that I started to see more and more come out. The truth started to surface and his family started to show more and more of what was behind closed doors.

I was already wrapped up in it and made excuse after excuse saying to everyone including myself that he was different from his family. He was different. What he was was young, exploring life, free, and away from the influences of his family until our son was born then his parents moved where we were and his one brother got out of prison and they all 3 lived with us... in a small two bedroom square apartment for 6 months. Living that close you can see influences and you can learn plently.

 

But I was already making excuses for little things because I know people arent perfect and we all have flaws. So I dismissed them. Then I started to blame others (his family) for influencing his bad behavior...

 

Truth is he is and was responsible for his own actions, choices, wants and desires.. NO one else is to blame.. Others can influence you but you make the final decision how you are going to handle yourself.

[Outcast]

I don't believe abusers 'choose' to be abusive. Remember: the wounded animal bites. The grownup abuser is the abused little kid who acts out in the playground. He grows up but nothing that made him feel rotten when he was little has been fixed so he feels just as rotten as he always did. And depression in men particularly is often expressed as anger. If you have anger + poor impulse control (any hits or falls that affect the front part of your head can damage the impulse control bit of the brain) you have the perfect concoction to produce violence.

 

Google 'resiliency' sometime. It's a very interesting concept and goes a way to explaining how some people are crushed by experiences that others manage to deal with.

[Craig]

an ex-girlfriend once confided in me that she had been treated poorly by men all her life. Starting with her bio father who left her mother. She then went on to say that when men treat her good she runs the other way because she does not know how to deal with it.

Yikes, this reminds me of my first gf. Sad case, she broke up with me after 3 months and of course I asked her why...her answer was that I "didn't love her". She said that if I loved her I would hit her and keep her in line, since I didn't hit her she thought I didn't love her.

[SmoochieFace]

Yikes, this reminds me of my first gf. Sad case, she broke up with me after 3 months and of course I asked her why...her answer was that I "didn't love her". She said that if I loved her I would hit her and keep her in line, since I didn't hit her she thought I didn't love her.

 

I went through one of those... never really understood it.

[Outcast]

More instances of seriously broken people; usually it's the parents who do the breaking

[Craig]

More instances of seriously broken people; usually it's the parents who do the breaking

How true, she was 17, I was 18. Both of her parents were white collar professionals, alcoholics and pillars of the community. Respected by everyone that didn't know them well.

[nicki]

Abusers are bullies. There is research that shows bullies have TOO MUCH self-esteem. They have no empathy, which is of paramount importance to one's emotional health and maturity.

 

I understand that there are many reasons people turn into abusers, but only one out four abused people become abusers. Three fourths actually become over protective of their loved ones, and too accepting of other people's behavior towards themselves. In other words, perfect co-dependents. Most often co-dependents end up with abusers.

 

It's like abusers can sniff them out. Co-dependent people are loving people, but they think they can fix everyone. And they are so externally oriented that they don't focus on themselves and their own lives.

 

I escaped an abusive marriage. It was the bravest thing I ever did, and I wouldn't have been able to do it without a few non-judgmental people who knew I needed support and true help. I did the hard work, but I had a net to fall on. And I silently thank them every night when I go to sleep in own bed, by myself...

 

To everyone here who has been abused and gotten out, I respect and admire you. To everyone who treats their loved ones with respect, I admire you, too.

 

To the person who said that the "average husband is abused when his wife nags or yells at him" is an idiot. Sorry, but the AVERAGE husband or wife isn't abused. Abuse is never average. Average people get mad, yell, etc...but they don't cross the line into ABUSIVE behavior.

 

Abusive behavior causes such fear. Anyone who lives in fear is being abused. If your wife yells at you about the garbage, are you really in fear? If so, please get help. If not, stop insulting our intelligence by saying typical fighting is abuse.

 

AND IT'S NOT FUNNY TO EVER KID ABOUT ABUSE, EVER, OR BRAG ABOUT IT. SHAME ON YOU, AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

[Mary3]

Thank you everyone who took the time to read my post .

 

Firstly, my post began because of another post where someone said :" They stay in it because they like the Drama."

 

When I saw that , I had to create a post and have you understand that its FEAR . Pure Fear. Its not Drama that keeps you in the abusive situtation.

 

Secondly, I totally recognize that there are men who are abused.

 

Since there are few studies that I have read , I realize still that men can be abused too. It needs to get out there with the Media and with information and Help.

 

It is absolutely happening in our world but I think very few men know what to do if they are abused.

 

There is likely few places for them to go.

 

Some men may feel its embarassing or not believable to tell others.

 

I think it is a Silent Hurt.

 

I hope today that others become aware of husband/bf abuse and make it as well known as wife abuse.

 

(Making him shut off the TV so you can both eat dinner is not abuse. Slapping him because you are angry IS abuse. Calling him Lazy and Worthless is emotional abuse. ) Many examples can be given but lets define abuse from non abuse . True abuse versus quarreling. A normal healthy couple will not see everything 100% of the time so there will be disagreements.

 

Thirdly, for the first time I am truly shocked at what Alpha said : Or lack of what he said : Instead of saying " Mary I am sorry for what happened to you and I am glad you are getting better but did you know that men can be abused too " ? He did not say that. Not at all. It was like I was dismissed and the focus was going to be on Male Abuse today. Thats fine . But the post was about WHY the abused stayed . That was the POST.

 

I lost some respect for you Alpha. I have always tried to understand you the very best I could. But when you said that remark about abuse in general I realized you have no empathy for me or others here who have been abused. It does not matter if its male or female being abused. It was about WHY they stayed . How they overcame it. Where they are today.

 

Someone who stays does not " deserve " abuse if they do. They are staying likely to hatch a plan, save some money , get a new place. ( Battered Shelters offered alot of my plan to get out ) If they are actively at the level of getting out then they need not be judged and told they deserve it when they are abused. You can NOT post your opinion about abuse unless you are the abuser or the abused. If you are neither, then you need to not project opinions unless you know from firsthand experience.

 

Thank you everyone who showed concern. For those of us who did not end up like Nicole Simpson ( for those who believe that O.J. did the deed ) for those of us who made it out alive and are here to tell their stories I say Horay !!

[sparticuss]

Alpha, have you ever been in an abusive relationship?

He obviously hasn't Kitty but he's still right. It is the victims own fault eventually.

 

The one thing he isn't aware of, and only a genuine victim could be is that the simple act of just walking away is something akin to climbing Mt Everest when you are actually in such a relaitonship.

[sparticuss]

 

What about a mutually respectful relationship where no-one is being abused? Wouldn't that be the ideal?

.

 

Kitty. Although you are absoloutely right you try saying this word for word, with the emphasis on the "mutual" in among any group of girlfriend, aroudn the luncheon table and watch the reation.

 

It's the mutual respect that they still have a problem with. The whole Idea that they have to respect a man. It's still repungnant to most of them

 

Try it out and see what the reaction is.

[sparticuss]

QUOTE=alphamale]Superb post SPARTICUSS....there are many more abused and controlled men than there are women.

 

And if anyone, male or female, stays in an abusive relationship IT IS THEIR OWN FAULT... FOR GODS SAKE PEOPLE, TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS OR INACTIONS...

 

Many more my %^&*!

Thats just the point.

At the end of the day nobody knows how many battered husbands there rreally are because nobody has the integrity to reeearch it or the compasion to provide the same facilites as are provided for battered wives.

 

The only real point, as I said, is that the numbers are worthless. And husband bsahign remains the only socially acceptable form of domestic violence.

 

 

More abused men??????? Trot out ya figures and where ya got em from.

[sparticuss]

Originally Posted by littlekitty

Truely Alpha, you sink to new lower levels. To boast of emtional abuse. Delightful.

 

And yet there will still be people here who think that he's a cool, smooth, badass.

 

 

Thats just the point.

Millions of women brag to their girlfriends about the way they abuse their men.

And most of these girlfriends are dumb enough to think that this is somehow cool, smooth, tough woman standing up for herself. No concept that she's actually a bullying wip who abuses the love of her man and could never face someone like Alpha cause he fights as dirty as she does.

[sparticuss]

Here I go with the olde gender reversing again

 

I don't know what either of your problems are. EVERYBODY has remarked on Alphaetes comments and Smooch didn't 'make it personal'. It's just obscene that one poster can so consistently post man hating BULLs*** and be thought witty and fun by others who don't understand that the poster is NOT joking. She has dismissed Martys and others' posts with the typical smartass BS that we see so often. It's NOT funny and IMHO she deserves to be called out on it.

 

 

A touch close to the bone eh folks? Some of the most sexist, totally unfunny, man haters are still thought of as wittty and fun in the circles they move in and in the media which publishes their sexism.

[sparticuss]

Yep, I was becoming abusive as well to my XH. I was giving it back to him just as he gave it to me. I started to throw shyt at him

 

Two weeks later with I was out of that house and never never never returned.

 

My XH tried to get me to come back. I refused to look back. I knew I didn't want to live like that and I knew he wasn't going to change

 

So a battered woman can also become a batterer So the two persons begin to batterer each other and it becomes a vicious cycle of power, control and anger..

 

It is not healthy..

 

 

I'm only surprised at one thing. I'm surprised that he tried to get you to come back. I thought he would have been as relieved as you that it was all over.

 

Wierd that. But I have heard of it before.

[sparticuss]

Try reading the whole thread. Spartaciss, Smoochie, and Art Critic have all spoken to the issue of abused men. So kwitcherbitchin because it doesn't cut it.

 

Outcast. Alpha knows what he's talking about. He's talking about mainstream media. The newspapers, the TV documentarys, even the soapies.

In all of those there is no such thing as a battered husband ever mentioned. Ever!

 

Me, smoochie, and Art Critic.

Three people, out of a world population of six billion. Three people who have actually acknowledged that there is such a thing as a battered husband.

 

I dont' like Alphas attitude myself but, like it or not, he's telling it like it is.

[sparticuss]

This discussion is a good one, there are different points of view, misinformation, disinformation, bold faced lies, truths and opinions floating around here but it is getting a discussion going and that in itself is a good thing. Perhaps one small step towards the option "to NOT abuse at all".

 

Great proposal Craig but theres a problem. In our present society, absoloutely reeking with man hating rape phobics, even a simple flatttering compliment about the appearance of some passing , sexy looking, female, is officiall listed as abuse and is policed as such.

[lindya]

It's just obscene that one poster can so consistently post man hating BULLs*** and be thought witty and fun by others who don't understand that the poster is NOT joking. She has dismissed Martys and others' posts with the typical smartass BS that we see so often. It's NOT funny and IMHO she deserves to be called out on it.

 

Why don't you call her out on it, Sparticuss? Give us an example of her "man hating Bulls***". Don't just limit yourself to making snide comments about a woman who you perhaps don't have the brains or the balls to get into a proper debate with.

[Craig]

Great proposal Craig but theres a problem. In our present society, absoloutely reeking with man hating rape phobics, even a simple flatttering compliment about the appearance of some passing , sexy looking, female, is officiall listed as abuse and is policed as such.

 

A few years ago a discussion like this would not have happened but now there is a growing awareness that abuse is not a gender specific issue. Things are getting better from my point of view. Slowly of course but better none the less.

 

My point of view on the issue of sexual harassment is that there is nothing wrong with one group refraining from a pattern of potentially unwanted behavior that historically demonstrated an absence of respect for another group. Sometimes the cheapest and fastest way to bring about change is to legislate it.

[alphamale]

A few years ago a discussion like this would not have happened but now there is a growing awareness that abuse is not a gender specific issue. Things are getting better from my point of view. Slowly of course but better none the less.

I agree CRAIG. I would guess that men tend to cause physical abuse and this gets the front page headlines. Women may tend to cause more emotional/mental abuse and one cannot see this like one can see a black eye or a bruise. Which is worse? Personally I'd rather thake the black eye which heals eventually vs. the mental/emotional abuse which may never heal.

 

In additions...can you see some dude walking into the police station complaining that his wife has been emotionally abusing him for 15 yrs?

[Outcast]

I lost some respect for you Alpha. I have always tried to understand you the very best I could.

 

And this is how women get trapped into abusive relationships. They give the benefit of the doubt to men when they see bad behaviour and unpleasant traits. They give the 'benefit of the doubt' until they're beaten to a pulp.

 

And Sparticuss, I don't care how many abused men you know, you simply have zero comprehension about the dynamic until you have lived the situation yourself so most of what you say comes directly from your anal orifice.

 

absoloutely reeking with man hating rape phobics

 

You're in serious trouble if you actually believe this. Your idea of society is badly skewed.

 

In all of those there is no such thing as a battered husband ever mentioned.

 

Not true. You just missed it when it happened. If you're so concerned, get involved in public education. But here's a clue; these sorts of irrational and fanciful ravings won't persuade anybody you have valid information to present. You have to work with facts, not your bias/chip.

 

Three people, out of a world population of six billion. Three people who have actually acknowledged that there is such a thing as a battered husband.

 

Don't be ridiculous. It's known. There are heaps of websites, books, etc.

 

one poster can so consistently post man hating BULLs***

 

Um. Nobody here does that, actually. And when they do, they get called on it by me and others.

 

Millions of women brag to their girlfriends about the way they abuse their men.

 

Huh? You got to get off whatever's causing your hallucinations.

 

At the end of the day nobody knows how many battered husbands there rreally are because nobody has the integrity to reeearch it or the compasion to provide the same facilites as are provided for battered wives.

 

Again, you're talking through your hat. It has been researched. Maybe if you'd spend some time checking for yourself rather than using your time to rant on relationship boards, you might educate yourself.

 

It's the mutual respect that they still have a problem with. The whole Idea that they have to respect a man. It's still repungnant to most of them

 

Sigh. You don't earn any respect, yourself, when you act like a raving loon. If you have a case to present, you have to do it in a balanced, logical, fact-based manner. All your hyperbole just turns everyone off so whatever message you hope to convey is discounted.

 

It is the victims own fault eventually.

 

Again with the inane statements.

 

The one thing he isn't aware of, and only a genuine victim could be is that the simple act of just walking away is something akin to climbing Mt Everest when you are actually in such a relaitonship.

 

Then it's not the 'fault' of the victim, is it?

[Mary3]

Quote :"And this is how women get trapped into abusive relationships. They give the benefit of the doubt to men when they see bad behaviour and unpleasant traits. They give the 'benefit of the doubt' until they're beaten to a pulp.

--------

The only differece is that its :" lesson learned " and I can now see the early signs of potential abuse in my dealings with men.

 

Yes , while I was aware that Alpha had some hate issues with women ,I did give him the benefit of the doubt. All it took was for him to show his true colors and hence " lesson learned early on ". ( Although I did read through many of his posts. I think the damage is not reversable in his case.

 

I think that its best not to prejudge until you have all the facts on the table. At this time I truly have given up on thinking he can be truly empathetic and answer my post in its entirety. If Alpha managed to go on a date with me it would be his last, if I knew through random conversation that he felt this way towards women.

 

Benefit of the doubt is given when you are sitting on the fence and trying to decide if what this person stands for and truly means are worth learning about and not making a hasty decision.

[lindya]

Benefit of the doubt is given when you are sitting on the fence and trying to decide if what this person stands for and truly means are worth learning about and not making a hasty decision.

 

Why are so many woman hours wasted in the attempt to make some sort of emotional connection with misogynists? It's like spending 50 hours swimming about in a pool of s*** in the desperate hope that you'll find a speck of gold.

 

It makes sense to save your tender feelings for the men who don't hate and despise women...and any woman who doesn't have the ability to both identify that logic and live her life by it will get burned. The initial flush of "love" with a misogynist is nothing more than sex with a man who has decided that - for a while at least - he's not going to hate you as much as he hates other women.

[Woggle]

Much respect to Mary for getting our of that situation. It takes reals trength to do that. As for the issue of abused men it is the truth that it is not taken as seriously. There are very few places an abused man can turn and he gets it from both sides. He gets it from people who think he is a wimp if he lets a woman hit him and from feminists who hate men and think they deserve to be abused.

[loony]

feminists who hate men and think they deserve to be abused.

Stop spreading this kind of bullsh*t... You are defaming people who stand up for your rights, just because you got screwed over by some women who under the pretense to be feminists acted out on their selfish impulses.

 

And stop telling me how great your girlfriend is and how she also despises feminists, she wouldn't be now where she is if there hadn't been other women in the past who faught for her bloody right to have a career and to find personal fulfillment in whatever she does. It's the fact that she is 41 and not married that signals that the times have changed, in the past she would have been called an old maiden who didn't manage to find herself a husband. Social pressure would not have allowed her the option to stay single and be picky about a husband. Go to rural places and see what traditions expect women to be and what the options for their future are before you talk such a rubbish!

 

Feminism has nothing to do with destroying feminity, it's about having the same rights, having choices and not being confined to other people's idea on how a woman should be. If I want to go sexy, I'll dress sexy, if I don't want to, I will not wear a freaking skirt just to please you and your idea on how a woman has to dress in order to be a real woman.