I feel rejected and not sure if it was my fault or simply his lack of interest in me

[mememememe]

Sooooo a lot of people go out with friends after work on Fridays. Some just carry on to have dinner together. When they get home, they may not even check their messages or feel it's too late to return any calls.

 

Or their friend calls because the friend's mother fell ill and the friend needs help. Or their car breaks down. There are roughly umpty-zillion possible things that might prevent someone from calling.

 

so no kidding, outcast---my POINT was that there ARE reasons...and it shouldn't make us freak out. get it? I am trying to explain what makes us act rediculous, and suggest coping skills for getting out of that stupid mind-F..k.

 

and by the way, there are only so many times you can deal with inconsistency, especially if you are prone to emotional issues such as what we are discussing here. in those cases where people are unstable, it is better to go for a more consistent scenario.

[mememememe]

btw, i wasn't trying to blast outcast in my last post! and i thank outcast for giving me a thumbs up on dealing : )

 

so, here is the thing fun2bme -- you would already assume in my situation that this guy is playing me....and i don't think he is. the important thing to remember is that you CAN NOT CONTROL another person's actions, only your own.

 

he may or may not have a gf, that is irrelevant, b/c until i know the truth and the full story, i won't get remotely physical with him. i will enjoy hanging out whenever. if he chooses to string me along, i won't see it that way -- i will see it as HIS missed opportunity, and maybe we can at least just be friends.

 

when you send rude messages or assume they were not being upfront with you, it means you are hanging by a string for their next move. that is unattractive, not respectful, and they will think you need serious help. so, what this means is that you need to be more in tune with you. you are using relationships as a serious void filler. i have done it. stop it.

 

i got a text from him at like 6am saying, "hello, can't sleep, i can't stop thinking about you". well, instead of waiting for him to overwhelm me with calls and try to be mysterious, one should just be direct right back in this situation. get to the bottom of it. before, i would probably just be vague back, because i feared rejection, and that would actually end up sending him a mixed signal...at which point he would not know where i am coming from, and then things would be undefined and i'd drive myself crazy.

 

don't be passive aggressive. that is exactly what i am workingo n right now. fun2bme, i thikn you are like me -- you meet a guy who is head over heals to get to know you, and when he fires directives at you, you are too scared of getting rejected by reciprocating, you want to be chased to fill your ego and void, and you end up losing in them in the process.... NOT because you are a terrible person, but because you freaking confuse them! then you bombard them with these passive aggressive texts or messages. not cool!

 

there may be a stage where you aren't ready to be direct back with them, and that is ok too....but don't fire back with mean texts or calls. yes, sometimes these guys ARE trying to play you.....but sometimes not.....but this has nothing to do with you and you can't control it,,,,you can only control YOURSELF. the more you control yourself, actually, the far more "control" you have over the situation.

 

i sent this guy a text back this morning saying to just call me and we should see eachother. i have feelings for him i have'nt felt for anyone in a couple of years, but i also know that he may have a gf and that if things are meant to be, they will be. i will not get in a tail spin of getting involved with him unless i know he is totally single --- not nice to "her" and not nice to me. i don't play that game, ever. some women feel more important by being the homewrecker...but no guy will ever leave a girl if he is already getting what he wants. he won't respect you. you won't respect you. what's wrong with just being alone in that case? god protects us from situations by making people "go away" for whatever reason....like that celeb i met a couple months ago i was infatuated wtih before i even know he was famous....he just went away, maybe for a good reason. god protects from poor situations.

 

fun2beme, you really need to start to get to know yourself. i started that process just over a year ago, and yes, something horrible had happened and i had no choice but to start it. i dated a guy that i would treat exactly like you say you are treating men. he DID end up cheating on me for months, and in a way, it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. i believe he cared for me, but didn't respect me. he was king of sending mixed signals and i was queen of playing right into it, placing all of my self-worth on this ahole. turns out you will learn in therapy, i was trying to fix my inconsistent childhood by dating an inconsistent man. not cool. now that i know what i was doing, i won't make that mistake again. i became such a mess from that situaiton, it ruined my job, my friendships, my health. i was so depressed i wanted to die......FROM A STUPID GUY!!!???? and by the way, i was WAY out of this guy's league by a LONG shot. this just shows you how your mental viruses can destroy who you know you are...

 

again, you know yourself well probably, but tell me this -- you know who you WANT to be .... NOT who you are, right????? and that is ok, because you can BE who you WANT to be, NOT who you are, you are self-aware enough to know right from wrong and you can get there. but do the work, the therapy. it will help you. become more self-involved. take a lesson from women who have "made it". you don't need to follow every step.

 

trust me, it is a process....right now i am scared of a lot of things and i shouldn't be. i forget how great i am and then i hear how great i am from friends or you people on here who compliment my coping skills. that feels wonderful.

 

one thing to also remember is that when you forget who you are and that you are GREAT (inside, and that you are loved), other people forget how great you are. it is your choice, because whatever you thikn of yourself will dictate what others think of you. this almost forces you to know yourself, right?? because don't you want to think you are great? you can't get self-affirmation from others all the time because they only see what YOU give them. so give yourself more and you will get more.....

 

hope this helps a little bit. oh and ever see those women who are "average" but have SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much confidence??? well, they are not "average". and men love them. i am very attractive, and sometimes i find myself over-analyzing my looks and feeling very insecure. WHY? it's stupid, and i know why i do it, i was really made fun of growing up by my family and friends. but that's no excuse. i have a friend with disfigured feet, a major hip problem and poor muscle movement. it takes her 10 minutes to get up a flight of stairs. she has no muscle tone because of a rare disease...and she is the most CONFIDENT girl you would ever meet. men love her and she is very financially successful. so you need to love YOU and then have fun with your womanly looks. it doesn't matter....what you think of yourself is what others will think of you, and you can't hide what you think of yourself all of the time...seems to me that you hide it when you first meet a guy, so he says, "well here is a girl who likes herself..." but then, like a time bomb, you know he will eventually see the "real" you...the scared you....well so what. just work on yourself and be honest about your fears. go to therapy!!

[mememememe]

btw, i wasn't trying to blast outcast in my last post! and i thank outcast for giving me a thumbs up on dealing : )

 

so, here is the thing fun2bme -- you would already assume in my situation that this guy is playing me....and i don't think he is. the important thing to remember is that you CAN NOT CONTROL another person's actions, only your own.

 

he may or may not have a gf, that is irrelevant, b/c until i know the truth and the full story, i won't get remotely physical with him. i will enjoy hanging out whenever. if he chooses to string me along, i won't see it that way -- i will see it as HIS missed opportunity, and maybe we can at least just be friends.

 

when you send rude messages or assume they were not being upfront with you, it means you are hanging by a string for their next move. that is unattractive, not respectful, and they will think you need serious help. so, what this means is that you need to be more in tune with you. you are using relationships as a serious void filler. i have done it. stop it.

 

i got a text from him at like 6am saying, "hello, can't sleep, i can't stop thinking about you". well, instead of waiting for him to overwhelm me with calls and try to be mysterious, one should just be direct right back in this situation. get to the bottom of it. before, i would probably just be vague back, because i feared rejection, and that would actually end up sending him a mixed signal...at which point he would not know where i am coming from, and then things would be undefined and i'd drive myself crazy.

 

don't be passive aggressive. that is exactly what i am workingo n right now. fun2bme, i thikn you are like me -- you meet a guy who is head over heals to get to know you, and when he fires directives at you, you are too scared of getting rejected by reciprocating, you want to be chased to fill your ego and void, and you end up losing in them in the process.... NOT because you are a terrible person, but because you freaking confuse them! then you bombard them with these passive aggressive texts or messages. not cool!

 

there may be a stage where you aren't ready to be direct back with them, and that is ok too....but don't fire back with mean texts or calls. yes, sometimes these guys ARE trying to play you.....but sometimes not.....but this has nothing to do with you and you can't control it,,,,you can only control YOURSELF. the more you control yourself, actually, the far more "control" you have over the situation.

 

i sent this guy a text back this morning saying to just call me and we should see eachother. i have feelings for him i have'nt felt for anyone in a couple of years, but i also know that he may have a gf and that if things are meant to be, they will be. i will not get in a tail spin of getting involved with him unless i know he is totally single --- not nice to "her" and not nice to me. i don't play that game, ever. some women feel more important by being the homewrecker...but no guy will ever leave a girl if he is already getting what he wants. he won't respect you. you won't respect you. what's wrong with just being alone in that case? god protects us from situations by making people "go away" for whatever reason....like that celeb i met a couple months ago i was infatuated wtih before i even know he was famous....he just went away, maybe for a good reason. god protects from poor situations.

 

fun2beme, you really need to start to get to know yourself. i started that process just over a year ago, and yes, something horrible had happened and i had no choice but to start it. i dated a guy that i would treat exactly like you say you are treating men. he DID end up cheating on me for months, and in a way, it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. i believe he cared for me, but didn't respect me. he was king of sending mixed signals and i was queen of playing right into it, placing all of my self-worth on this ahole. turns out you will learn in therapy, i was trying to fix my inconsistent childhood by dating an inconsistent man. not cool. now that i know what i was doing, i won't make that mistake again. i became such a mess from that situaiton, it ruined my job, my friendships, my health. i was so depressed i wanted to die......FROM A STUPID GUY!!!???? and by the way, i was WAY out of this guy's league by a LONG shot. this just shows you how your mental viruses can destroy who you know you are...

 

again, you know yourself well probably, but tell me this -- you know who you WANT to be .... NOT who you are, right????? and that is ok, because you can BE who you WANT to be, NOT who you are, you are self-aware enough to know right from wrong and you can get there. but do the work, the therapy. it will help you. become more self-involved. take a lesson from women who have "made it". you don't need to follow every step.

 

trust me, it is a process....right now i am scared of a lot of things and i shouldn't be. i forget how great i am and then i hear how great i am from friends or you people on here who compliment my coping skills. that feels wonderful.

 

one thing to also remember is that when you forget who you are and that you are GREAT (inside, and that you are loved), other people forget how great you are. it is your choice, because whatever you thikn of yourself will dictate what others think of you. this almost forces you to know yourself, right?? because don't you want to think you are great? you can't get self-affirmation from others all the time because they only see what YOU give them. so give yourself more and you will get more.....

 

hope this helps a little bit. oh and ever see those women who are "average" but have SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much confidence??? well, they are not "average". and men love them. i am very attractive, and sometimes i find myself over-analyzing my looks and feeling very insecure. WHY? it's stupid, and i know why i do it, i was really made fun of growing up by my family and friends. but that's no excuse. i have a friend with disfigured feet, a major hip problem and poor muscle movement. it takes her 10 minutes to get up a flight of stairs. she has no muscle tone because of a rare disease...and she is the most CONFIDENT girl you would ever meet. men love her and she is very financially successful. so you need to love YOU and then have fun with your womanly looks. it doesn't matter....what you think of yourself is what others will think of you, and you can't hide what you think of yourself all of the time...seems to me that you hide it when you first meet a guy, so he says, "well here is a girl who likes herself..." but then, like a time bomb, you know he will eventually see the "real" you...the scared you....well so what. just work on yourself and be honest about your fears. go to therapy!!

[mememememe]

i can't pm, but if you would like to somehow chat via phone...let me know, we can somehow get it touch, i don't want my # on here but let's think of something. i know how desperate you are.

[Outcast]

I thought I was the victim of being treated badly, but I am realizing that I am causing my own misery! and there are things I can DO about it.

 

Way to go, Fun! Congratulations on wanting to take control of fixing your problem, getting the books, and reading them with an open, willing spirit. Ellis is very empowering. If you can put his ideas to work in your life, I guarantee you'll be a much happier human

[Lishy]

This post has been amazing...

 

I do the same thing over analysing, obsessing, freaking out over things that havnt even happened.

 

I had a fine childhood, my problems stem from my last relationship and my low self esteem stems from that also.

 

I am a people pleaser and I worry too much about what people think about me. If I get paid a compliment I dont believe it I think that he is after something. I use sex as a weapon and I have only just realised all of this from reading this thread.

 

When I first read Fun's prediciment with this guy I though "Chill out girl" but then I realised that alot of what she has done, I have also done. It's a feeling deep within that makes me NEED to be WANTED by a certain man. I do what suits other people and realise afterwards that I didnt really want to do that.

 

I read self help books but I am also prone to only hearing what suits me!

 

I wish you all of the best in your situation Fun, I am so sure that you now have the tools to make the best of your life and I know you will come out of this ok.

 

The bottom line is we need to love ourselves, not for what we look like but for who we are inside. And we need to exercise our past demons and let our past go - It was not our fault and we cannot let our past determine our future!!!

[Lonestar]

I've also been waiting for a follow up email from him to check if I got his message and to ask about me.

LMFAO!

 

Are you kidding me? You ignored his message and now you're pissed because he hasn't sent a follow-up? I've read most of this thread except for the last couple pages, and I've been shaking my head in amazement for about an hour. This poster can not be real. She just can't. How can a 37 year old stockbroker be so damn stupid when it comes to relationships???? Sounds more like a 12 year old.

 

Sure yeah, we've all gotten a little emotional and psycho on some our SOs, but usually that's after a long term relationship that went sour or we got dumped hard, whatever. But this poster has only been on 2-3 dates with this guy. If he could only come to LoveShack and read all her posts, he'd run for the hills so fast.

 

Oh and Fun2.... STOP DRINKING. You're drinking in 80% of your posts. Thankfully, after reading this thread, you're not my stockbroker. I'm sorry if you're real and feel my post is rude, but I feel sorry for this poor guy. I feel sorry for any guy who dates you. As Outcast has told you a dozen times already, seek professional help!!!!!

[Outcast]

Actually, Lonestar, you might consider easing up a bit. She ordered the books and has already recognized her behaviour in them, acknowledged it's worth changing, and pledged to do so. I think that's pretty great. If she continues to approach this situation with a willing spirit and really takes what she learns to heart, she may be able to overcome this on her own.

 

I do agree that if she tries to deal with the situation and finds she's unsuccessful after a while, she should then consider getting help but some people are able to bring about changes in themselves when they really want to do so.

[Lonestar]

Like I said, I didn't read the last couple pages where I guess she made her turnaround - only the first 8 pages of total insanity. Maybe she'll learn something from the books, but if this is truly for real, she'll need therapy to stop. Give the thread another week and we'll see if a book helps, doubtful, but I'm all for giving someone a chance to change.

[noclobber]

A few weeks ago I met a guy I liked a lot. He asked me out for Sunday night, then during the week he asked me out again. He did not contact me Friday and Saturday which upset me. Sunday he called twice, I didn't answer. Then he emailed for me to see him that night. I wrote back that I was feeling too lazy to get out. In reality I was upset he had not contacted me all weekend.

 

yeah right.... do u think men are ur servants that have to keep running around u serving ur every desire? that guy called u and u chose not to answer. any male with even an ounce of self-respect will not be interested in a woman like u after this. go figure!

[Justme888]

and where did Fun go off to?????

[Fun2BMe]

and where did Fun go off to?????

I will post soon when my head is clear. I am going through a rough time right now adjusting to all of this... but have you to thank for helping me.

[Fun2BMe]

when you send rude messages or assume they were not being upfront with you, it means you are hanging by a string for their next move. that is unattractive, not respectful, and they will think you need serious help.

That's an interesting way to look it. I thought it would show I have respect for myself and standards to meet, not that I am "hanging by a string for their next move." Very interesting to think they might see it that way.

 

before, i would probably just be vague back, because i feared rejection, and that would actually end up sending him a mixed signal...at which point he would not know where i am coming from, and then things would be undefined and i'd drive myself crazy.

Exactly what I do!

 

don't be passive aggressive. that is exactly what i am workingo n right now. fun2bme, i thikn you are like me -- you meet a guy who is head over heals to get to know you, and when he fires directives at you, you are too scared of getting rejected by reciprocating, you want to be chased to fill your ego and void, and you end up losing in them in the process.... NOT because you are a terrible person, but because you freaking confuse them! then you bombard them with these passive aggressive texts or messages. not cool!

Another good observation. I have been thinking a lot about this, if I am passive agressive. I act nice and when he responds, calls, emails, I might not find it "enough" and get angry, waiting for the cycle to repeat itself. I get angry to make him feel guilty for not calling or seeing me enough, but he gets tired of feeling like the bad one when he's trying to be good, not get me upset...something I am working on.

 

fun2beme, you really need to start to get to know yourself.

That's what I have been working on. I didn't want to contact him again until I figured things out. I left him a message last night. I want to send an email today because I have not heard back yet, and I remind you I had sent him an email last Tuesday and from that haven't heard anything back either.

 

Maybe he doesn't like me enough to deal with any situations that are not perfect - if i don't have the opportunity to call right back, which I didn't because I didn't want to say anything stupid, I respect him too much to put him through the cycle I've been doing, I needed time to think, he responds by no longer contacting me. His way or no way. He sees me on his terms and schedules, if I say no he doesn't contact me for a long time and it drives me crazy and when he does, it's like it's all my fault and I have no right to get upset, like I have to be passive and go along with everything, but if I am a little agressive, there are other more agreeable fish in the sea who will put up with the crap. In any case, I am learning how to react and deal with unagreeable situations and to interpret them differently.

 

It is helping in other areas of my life as well, such as at work I don't get mad a someone for not completing something, I sit and think it through for a minute first and ask myself if getting mad at x will get the desired results I want, or only allow me to vent and make them feel awful, which is what I realize I tend to do in my personal and work situations.

 

I have been feeling terrible for over a week since not getting a response to my email. Doesn't he care enough to at least respond? I don't think I've been that bad towards him, and now I risked another rejection by leaving him a voicemail last night, but if he doesn't respond I'll find out he doesn't really care.

[Fun2BMe]

i can't pm, but if you would like to somehow chat via phone...let me know, we can somehow get it touch, i don't want my # on here but let's think of something. i know how desperate you are.

I reallly do need to chat w/ someone and don't want my number here either - do you have yahoo messenger? It allows pc to pc calls without revealing numbers...or we can wait til you can PM. Thanks.

[Walk]

Fun:

 

I just wanted to say that it's great to see you working so hard to try to find answers for yourself. I've spent the last few years trying to change behaviors that have been negatively affecting me, and it's incredibly hard. I also relapse, and it's frustrating. But I definitely like the differences it's made in my life. My relationships are stronger, I enjoy life more, and I'm more confident and comfortable with who I am. I also have a much better relationship with my family now, then I ever did.

 

Anyways, don't get discouraged. And keep trying. It's hard, but well worth it.

[Fun2BMe]

Fun:... don't get discouraged. And keep trying. It's hard, but well worth it.

Thank you Walk. You all have been great even though I may not have thought so at certain times.

 

Here is another update - so I call and leave a voicemail a couple of nights ago after he never responded to my email. I don't hear back and was ready to send a "closure" email to state that I can get a clue that he is no longer interested and all that. Instead of sending it, I accidentally save it in my "draft" box.

 

When I realize I had not sent it, I decide to hold off on it to do the new me thing and think things through - ex. will that email get the response I want from him and all that crap. So I have been going through a deep thinkful stage which takes a lot of energy, instead of acting out.

 

Well - late last night (wed night) I get an email from him stating that he had received my voicemail, his brother died and he is in his hometown (the place he was going to go to for Christmas next week that I had a fit about). I can't imagine how much harder things might have been on him had I sent the email to him! So now I am deleting that email from the draftbox and am going to send him a condolense email - I mean he can't be BS-ing about something like this.

 

I do wish he would've contacted me before he left to share the bad news with me and the fact that he has had a change of plans - the old me would've been pissed off about that, but I am going to take things slow and try to accept the things that would ordinarily tick me off. I feel like I miraculously have a second chance to show him the new side of me. If he doesn't want to see me on weekends - fine, if he wants to travel to see his family - fine. It will remain cool and get my frustrations out to myself and read this thread whenever I feel like getting mad at him.

 

I do feel sad that he's gone away and that I have not heard from him in a while, and although I am happy to at least get an email from him and know that we are still on good terms, I have to face the fact that the entire email was only NINE words + his name. He could have at least

a) called

 

b) he could've provided some more info after all this time of not hearing from him, like how his brother died, when he will be back, what date he exactly left - was it last week? I had not heard from him all of last week, or after I left the voicemail and he just got it when he listened to it from there? or he had received my voicemail while he was still here and chose to get back to me all these days later after he had left.

 

c) He could have asked how I was doing or that he missed me or something. Now I can't tell if he wrote out of sadness, or if he was never upset at me just too busy to contact me, or he was at one point upset at me and now things are ok - so am I supposed to act like things have been ok w/ us all this time? I guess that is the approach I am working on taking.

 

I have to keep my focus in check. My initial reaction was I was happy to hear from him and know he is not upset at me (remember that day he called 3 times and I never called back, then I didn't hear from him again until this email 10 days later). Anyways, I am half asleep/half awake so I apologize if the writing isn't very coherent. I'll check up on y'all later on and keep you posted on my progress. Thanks as usual for getting me here.

[Walk]

a) called

 

b) he could've provided some more info after all this time of not hearing from him...

 

c) He could have asked how I was doing or that he missed me or something.

 

Some problems with your train of though on these... Calling someone you only semi-know, when dealing with the loss of a close family member is not something he probably wants to do right now. Remember, even though you slept with him, it doesn't mean you know him, or that the comfort level has been established. He's probably going to be more distant, while he's dealing with this. You two haven't had enough good times, or even time together, for him to feel comfortable leaning on you for support. And that's what he really needs right now. Support.

 

For b), there's no reason for him to give information out about that. Again, I go back to my, you two don't know each other well enough. And further more, it's unimportant. What you needed to know he told you. His brother died. A significantly close, blood related person he has known his entire life died. That he emailed you at all during this time should be taken with gratitude.

 

And c.), I'm sure the weight that he's carrying right now is obliterating any and all feelings he has for any one else. This isn't like having your pet dog die. It's his brother. Even though he didn't ask how you are, it doesn't mean he doesn't care. His emailing you should show that. He has a huge burden that he's wrestling with right now. Don't make demands that he attend to your self-esteem simply because you feel left out.

 

Be supportive. Give him plenty of time. Let him know you're available if he wants to talk, or vent, or anything. But don't start obsessing about how he could've done more, or think he should've done more. Try to put yourself in his shoes. How would you react if someone close to you just died. Would you be calling people you've only met a few times to chit chat? Ask them all about their lives? Me, when someone close to me dies, I get really closed off. I don't have the energy to deal with many people. I feel like the weight of the world fell on me, and it takes everything I have to make it through the day without breaking down.

 

Give him time, let him know you're there if he needs it. Don't freak if he doesn't take you up on the offer. Really attempt to put yourself in his shoes. Try to understand how he may be feeling right now. And don't think that this will pass in a day or two. It will take quite a while.

[Outcast]

Well - late last night (wed night) I get an email from him stating that he had received my voicemail, his brother died and he is in his hometown (the place he was going to go to for Christmas next week that I had a fit about). I can't imagine how much harder things might have been on him had I sent the email to him!

 

This is the very sort of lesson you needed. You sit there assuming he's deliberately ignoring you and getting all ticked off because you thought you knew what was going on in his life. You never considered the possibility that something horrible had happened to him.

 

I do wish he would've contacted me before he left to share the bad news with me and the fact that he has had a change of plans

 

Look. This is what someone in a committed relationship would be expected to do - NOT someone you have only seen a few times. You seem to have real trouble in understanding the normal progression of a relationship. You expect him to behave like your committed partner at the stage of your relationship where you are nothing of the kind!!!!! You cannot do this. It's unacceptable to claim ownership over him this way.

 

he could've provided some more info after all this time of not hearing from him...

 

He could have asked how I was doing or that he missed me or something.

 

And this is remarkably selfish. You aren't thinking about him, how awful he must be feeling, and how to give comfort to him. It's all about you, you, you, and what you want. This is a very bad trait, I'm afraid. Do you believe that caring is about giving? Because all I see from you is what you want and aren't getting rather than what you'd like to give.

 

And again, you expect, far far too much far far too soon. Look, even though you've only been out a few times, he actually emailed you from his folks' place in the middle of all this chaos. You should be honoured and grateful that he devoted some time to you in the situation rather than expecting that all his thoughts be of you 24/7.

 

I fear you have a very unhealthy concept of what is normal in relationships. It seems you want him to obsess about you the way you obsess about him but that's extremely unhealthy on both parts.

 

I really hope you do go see a counsellor besides reading your books. I think you need some professional help to understand what constitutes a normal relationship and what your role should be.

 

Love, Fun, is about giving - YOU giving, not expecting him to give.