I feel rejected and not sure if it was my fault or simply his lack of interest in me

[Fun2BMe]

Even though you've only dated three times and were intimate on date 1?????

The statement you responded to was made by clynn not me.

 

On another note, I followed all of you all's advice, played it cool didn't hint I was bugged out from not hearing from him, sent a nice ass email as if everything is fine and dandy. Guess what, I haven't heard back from him. Obviously he lost respect. I sensed I needed more, he knew he was holding back, he thinks since I am ok with it that he could do better probably. I am miserable and depressed now.

[Outcast]

Guess what, I haven't heard back from him. Obviously he lost respect.

 

It's not 'obvious' at all. Anything could happen. He could be working. His computer could be down. You need to realize that he has a life!!!! His entire existence does not consist of you. I bet you emailed him today, didn't you?

[Outcast]

Fun2B, go out and rent "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" with Kate Hudson.

[Fun2BMe]

I bet you emailed him today, didn't you?

No, he called Monday, I emailed back Tuesday and it is now Thursday. If he even calls at this point asking to see me this weekend, I have important places to have to be at all wekend including Sunday, he'll think now I am playing games and after the following week he will be going away. Things couldn't be worse. I'll wait and see what happens.

[itwontdawnsooner]

for your sake, dont have your happiness rely completely on someone else. you can be disappointed, but if someone has the ability to make you feel so depressed and so miserable so easily, you're either investing way too much way too soon, or you're very emotionally sensitive right now and trying to complete yourself through someone else will only make you dependent and angry and miserable in the end... ive seen it

 

take care of yourself - as hard as it is, try to feel complete in YOURSELF... its for your sake

[luvtoto]

In my own opinion and from learning a couple life's difficult lessons, when I first start seeing a guy, I go into the relationship thinking we are 'just friends'. Call me crazy, but I enjoy the 'getting-to-know-the-guy' phase. I don't rush it by sleeping with him him on the first date (what the heck does that do?), I don't become possessive, & I don't wear my heart on my sleeve for any man that comes along.

 

I have respect for myself. I don't put a man's feelings in front of my own. I am just interested in getting to know the guy's personality. In this dating age...I don't make assumptions...I find taking things slow for a while, will weed out the jerks. If this man is truly interested, he will be clear-as-a-bell about his intentions...you don't need to spend countless hours wondering.

[Walk]

I don't rush it by sleeping with him him on the first date (what the heck does that do?),

 

I'm not sure you meant this as harsh as it comes across. I don't think it's right to impose our own beliefs onto someone else. I know from bad experiences, just like Fun's, that sleeping with a guy on the first date always ends up badly. However, I'm not going to judge her for doing it. It was a mistake, but she can't change the past now. Live with it and learn from it. That's all she can do at this point.

 

Fun: I was wondering if you wouldn't mind posting the email you sent him? If it's too personal, then nevermind. I was just curious to see how it would come across to him. You may read it one way, but he may be reading it another. It's hard to say.

 

And I'm still back to the same question. Why haven't you called him, and asked him out? Why do you avoid him, not answer his calls, not return his calls, and then assume that a single email will make him rush to ask you out? I think you need to put a lot more effort into this if you want to continue seeing him. All you're doing is sending off a couple emails, and then sitting around waiting for him to call. If I were him, I'd think you were just stringing me along, putting the a minimal amount of effort into keeping me calling, but didn't have any real interest. That's the way your actions are coming off. Cold most the time, with moments of luke warm in between.

 

Why don't you call him and ask him out for tonight, or another night? The worst that could happen is he'll say no. Then ask when he is free to get together.

 

Personally, I think you'd be better cutting your losses with this guy. It seems like you're going through a heck of a lot of emotional stress for him. If you can get yourself a little more balanced emotionally, then when the right guy comes along you can handle it with a more level head. I think at this point you have a lot of resentment towards him, and there's a lot of confusion on both of your parts. I'm not sure that can be worked through since neither of you really know each other.

[Outcast]

However, I'm not going to judge her for doing it.

 

It didn't sound like judgement to me. It sounded like a question asked to make Fun think.

[Walk]

It didn't sound like judgement to me. It sounded like a question asked to make Fun think.

 

I didn't write my post very well this morning.... guess I was still sleeping. I was just saying it could be taken harshly. End of thought.

 

New thought. I'm not one to judge her since I've done stupid things too. End of thought.

 

I think I'll refrain from posting until after second cup of coffee.

[latefragment]

i think you are being too hard on Fun. maybe i'm biased but i haven't had much dating experience and had to learn the hard way not to behave the way fun did. that is to say, i did the exact same thing, obsessing, getting hurt, spazzing out. and it really sucks. of course, now that my situation crashed and burned, i know to be careful and not be so sensitive, and to chill out. but for some reason i behaved stupidly and it hurts to type this but unfortunately i needed the crash and burn before i could learn the lesson. i think it's great that this thread exists because i thought i was the only one ...

[mememememe]

I mean this with all the respect I can send to you in an email...

 

You sound a lot like the way I used to act in relationships (not after 3 weeks, but 3 months) and there is help. Unfortunately, by the time you can start to heal yourself, you've ruined a lot of stuff.

 

You are having trouble with your BOUNDARIES. I assume you were neglected or abused by one parent...your mom? You don't know when someone is disrespecting you, and you end up disrespecting yourself and then them. I know your pain in this.

 

First you must stop denying that this is a real serious problem for you. I also used to have severe dating issues related to drinking at times. Drinking depresses you. I am SURE that this is NOT the first dating scenario where you have flipped out and scared a man away. I did it many times.

 

I promise you can change. I have...(that fear of "slipping" is always there, of course).

 

It starts in other places and you need to spend a lot of time alone to find out how to heal yourself. Stay away from dating and start therapy. no matter how lonely you are. I have pretty much spent the last year ALONE with 2 guys I dated who, were like bad karma, were like ME before this last full year. Needy without knowing it, unpredictable in mood, etc. And I am GLAD I dated them, it was like a freaking mirror. It helped me see how dilusional I was/am.

 

PM me if you want, please stop supressing the fact that you have issues if you really want to improve. It has seemed like a long hard road for me, but I promise you that you can recover and I will gladly share some tips with you. By the way, I haven't done a lot of therapy because I usually know the answers intellectually, just not emotionally -- and a therapist can only suggest, not force change.

 

PM ME!!!

[latefragment]

hi meme, can i pm you about these things? i want to learn how you got over these issues too. i'm "new" to dating and have already scared a couple guys away (of course, at least one and a half of them were a**h***s, but still, i could have done better at not being a spaz)... and each time it's happened, it's really brought me down hard. you seem to have a lot of insights and i'd love to hear what you think.

 

thanks ...

[Outcast]

Actually, since the whole point of LS is to offer advice, why not put it on the thread and let others with similar problems read it, too?

[mememememe]

I was just suggesting them in case we got really off track and started discussing other issues that are possibly deeper than the ones we THOUGHT were issues -- such as just guy issues.

 

I think the real issues are really deep within each of us, and they all stem from different places.

 

I have REALLY struggled in the man dept. It started from my deep, deep insecurities I couldn't even identify and had suppressed for many, many years...well, I'm late 20's so not that many!

 

I had a very emotionally unstable childhood and a very unstable and manic parent. My whole childhood was full of put downs, let downs, instability and egg shell walking. I was emotionally and sometimes physically beaten. I just pushed all of it down from about 17 on though.

 

This REALLY affected my impression of relationships and men. BEcause I had been so hurt growing up, I instinctively thought people were contsatntly trying to do so. And, yes, often they were -- because I identified myself AS that role before they even knew me. I scapegoated myself first, then hated them for agreeing with the signals I was unknowingly sending! I was acting totally erratic, bipolar, etc.

 

Dig into your past, your real insecurities and start trying therapy. This will greatly give you the skills to cope better.

 

Some tips that I now use?

 

1)Always plan my day according to MY wants and schedule; if I get a dinner invite, no matter how intersted i am, I really ask myself if i have time.

 

2)I cut down on alchohol and tried to keep it away from dating

 

3)Started exercising DAILY! (not to look better, to FEEL better. very mentally helpful)

 

4)Made a big list of goals to accomplish for the year

 

5)became NECESSARILY selfish -- STOPPED going out of my way for a guy just to later try to use that as a manipulation and then dump all over him for not "reciprocating" the stuff I had done. I didn't even know I was doing this!

 

6)STOPPED over-calling: one phone call from him warrants a return phone call of me. LET HIM CALL FIRST for a while, just to feel some self-control. Refrain from calling him. (this is not game playing -- for people with self-image and boundary issues, I HIGHLY recommend this).

 

7)I stopped letting the WHOLE cookie crumble; if I messed up or felt stupid, I remembered that those were MY insecurities -- and I stopped trying to then destroy the whole situation just because of a little slip.

 

8)I realized that the guys had no idea how miserable I felt inside...and neither did I...but that it was OK to feel that way and try to help myself through it. GUYS ARE NOT dumpsters for your emotional baggage. Wriitng, reading and therapy is.

 

9)Started getting really passionate about WHAT I WANT IN LIFE. I allowed a lot of emotion to go into my passions I didn't even know I had.

 

10)I started making myself SO busy! SO busy that the guy had to practically call my imaginary secretary to book time with me.

 

11)Started saying NO to a date today, but YES to a date tomorrow

 

12) (JUST LEARNING THIS ONE!!!) Stopping being PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE. I have ruined a lot with that behavior and still do it. Needs to S-T-O-P or I wil be alone forever. Feel confident enough to face rejection.

 

13)I realized that I was self-mutilating the situation because I felt I would be fully rejected anyway -- so it felt better for me to ruin it first, because at least it was on my own terms! (THIS WAS TOTALLY SUBCONCSIOUS...that is the most difficult part...but these things become CONSCIOUS in therapy!)

 

14)I started LOVING myself. I love myself more than any man and see him now as an ADDITION -- not a void or something to totally merge with.

 

15)Find out what things in your childhood make you such a mess.

 

16)developed real goals I never had before. I always thought I had goals...but I was living my life in smoke and mirrors!

 

17)Stopped picking guys for the wrong reasons. You can analyze deeply what those reasons are! Co-dependency, etc. Trying to re-do the nasty parts of your childhood.

 

18)Started being VERY direct -- nicely. What respect that demanded!

 

19)When I didn't know what to do, how to react, I did NOTHING....and didn't THINK about anything either...because that is when the "illness" begins.

 

20)I CAN DO THIS; SO CAN YOU

 

Now, I may slip up.....but it's OK. It is all about accepting yourself and the fact that you may make a weak mistake. So what. A man will forget about it -- but only if you let him!

 

Now instead of worrying about how he will see me, I am more concerned with how I WILL SEE HIM. I am pickier and rightfully so. I put HIM on the defense instead of the opposite.

 

Whateverhappened in your childhood, stop scapegoating yourself. You can do it the more and more you understand yourself.

 

The fact that I haven't had an embarrassing "freakout" in over a year now is like a year of sobriety from alcoholism! I am REALLy sstarting to like myself...REALLY..not just thinking I like myself or saying it, but actually WORRYING about me instead of accusing others of not caring. Who cares if they dont----that is their problem.

 

********Oh and one more thing -- with a man, DON'T cry wolf. Once you get upset and he upsets you and you act like a whiny baby, he will never take you seriously. TELL him why you are upset, then DISTANCE YOURSELF!!!! DO NOT get scared and then run toward him! This is a reacton to your childhood wounds. Allow yourself to DISTANCE yourself.

 

And STOP picking emotionally unavailable men and then getting upset with them and trying to change them.

 

hope this helps!!!

[mememememe]

system won't let me : (

[Fun2BMe]

PM me if you want, please stop supressing the fact that you have issues if you really want to improve.

PM ME!!!

I tried to PM you but it said you are currently not accepting PMs. Walk, I PMd you the email I sent him and can send it to others who may be interested upon request (like outcast?).

 

I think I might have issues from childhood I have not confronted but that might be opening a can of worms and maybe we shouldn't go there.

 

I feel so depressed for not having heard from him at all yet. I have anxiety now to be the one to call him in case he says he does not want to talk to me.

 

Maybe time will heal me and in the meantime I should work on improving myself. I am so fortunate to be able to share my problem with people giving me feedback. Thanks and appreciate you all.

[mememememe]

I mean this in the nicest way -- if you do not "open a can of worms" and confront your childhood, YOU ARE F****d. Don't you understand that that is the root of all of your problems?

 

You can not learn yourself out of this, you will only continue the nasty cycle. If you have not confronted your issues from childhood, you have not confronted and do not know yourself. If you do not know yourself, you are SCREWED in a relationship. SCREWED. Why won't you get started?

 

I suggest calling a therapist today and focusing on THAT instead of a stupid guy. Dont you want to start improving for YOU? Plus, it will put the brakes on things with him (I can assure you he is DYING for it )

 

I know exactly how you feell --- you are obsessesive and compulisive over this and YOU DON'T KNOW WHY. Well I'm telling you why. You have to help yoursself, not "fix" this thing with him right now.

[westernxer]

I mean this in the nicest way -- if you do not "open a can of worms" and confront your childhood, YOU ARE F****d.

 

I agree.

 

Running away from it hasn't helped you at this point. Better learn to deal, before you get dealed.

[loony]

mememememe, I just read the last couple of posts here, but the list you made sounds very good. I've been struggling with similar issues for a long time and it's encouraging to see that you've been able to improve your situation so much.

[mememememe]

but you have to start at the BOTTOM and that is the hardest part.

 

sometimes I wonder if I will ever REALLY get to where I want to be emotionally...but when you have issues like this, you have to get past the cliche of "you need to love yourself first" and understand what that really means.

 

my self-esteem suffers sooooo much. my self-confidence is like off the charts though, and that is characteristic of suffering from major inner-contradictions!

 

Fun2bme sounds exactly like I did..and sometimes do...they way one sentence contradicts the next. It's really annoying to feel like that!! right?

 

your mind is in a tail spin because you know yourslef intellectually but not emotionally. get it? i am just learning about myself emotionally.

 

i have spoken with the therapist i saw about my need to overreact and then throw up all over the situation with men -- she told me when i feel tempted to freak out, realize that i have the 3 year old in me that is in everyone, and to treat that voice like a real 3 year old child...and talk to it, nurture it, and realize that I am an adult and my urges are toddler-like.

 

fun2beme, i thikn you may n eed to chock this relationship up to a learning experience. i don't think he is going to respect you and you should cut your losses. stop feeling like, "this is the one" because i'm sure you get like that over every relationship. I did!!!!! cut your ties and be alone for a while. become obsessed with yourself instead.

 

society knocks the weak but not the bitchy or mean -- so why not take a small lesson?? i'm not saying become immoral or evil, but things just are "that way" for a reason. if you can become properly selfish and self-indulged while still maintaining your manners, you are half way there. try to go the opposite route you have been going. that's what i did, and it has helped tremendously.

 

also, STOP picking men who don't give you what you want upfront -- if he is evasive, don't chase him ,know better -- he is emotionally unavailable and dangerous. so just stay away.

[Outcast]

i have spoken with the therapist i saw about my need to overreact and then throw up all over the situation with men -- she told me when i feel tempted to freak out, realize that i have the 3 year old in me that is in everyone, and to treat that voice like a real 3 year old child...and talk to it, nurture it, and realize that I am an adult and my urges are toddler-like.

 

This bears repeating You've clearly worked hard on dealing with your issues, me3. It's great of you to pass on your experience

[mememememe]

i don't want to get off track from the point of this thread -- which is to help fun2bme...so hopefully sharing this thought will coincide with the theme...

 

so i met this guy over a week ago. i haven't been dating or interested in anyone really, so i kind of ignored him. but i did feel automatic chemistry. i was able to have a really cool and deep conversation with him even in the setting, which was a loud party. he gave me his card and that was that. later i heard he had a girlfriend so i just forgot about him. he called me that night, though, a couple of times with no voicemail.

 

i bumped into him again this week at the same place. this time the glances were even more magnetic. i ignored the feelings for a few minutes though, b/c i was sure he has a gf. we spoke though and for some reason i just wanted to be around him. we ended up leaving together to another social event. it was great, we talked, etc. we stayed up talking until dawn and then i went home, he was a perfect gentleman. he made me text him when i got home and he responded by saying he loved spending the evening with me and couldn't wait to see me.

 

now here's the relevant part!!!!: he works evenings and sleeps most of the day, i assume. i got a very early text from him which tells me it was the end of his night. he doesn't drink, so he's not drunk when he's doing this. i left him a voicemail this afternoon and now i haven't heard from him. soooooo............

 

at what point do we cut off inconsistent men?? it shouldnt matter the "reason" or "excuse", like he may be thinking of breaking it off with his gf. it shouldn't matter his job hours. this man expressed blatant interest in me and the feelings were mutual. so, of course i am wondering when he will call....if i did something stupid...

 

MY POINT IS that the erratic thought process starts for us right off the bat. this needs to be conquered. you need to beat it into your head -- (like I need to right now) that you are a special, awesome person and this man is likely intimidated by you. and if you don't hear from him, HIS LOSS. the great men will chase you but not stalk you. and if this guy is unavailable, it is not my job to MAKE him available. i need to avoid my desire to make him mine, etc.

 

but things like this make you a real mess sometimes. pining over stuff only screws you over. it's almost like a karma. when you have been pining over a guy and he hears your voice, he can sense you have been pining. so stop it and do what you can to do YOU. what i'm doing is getting a good night sleep, getting up and hitting the gym hard, planning out my week, and making plans with friends.

 

i'lll keep you posted on my process if you want, just to tell you where it goes and how i deal with myself.

[luvtoto]

Memememe, I have read your posts and am amazed by your strong coping skills. Exercise is the number one stress reliever in my book, also.

[Outcast]

now here's the relevant part!!!!: he works evenings and sleeps most of the day, i assume. i got a very early text from him which tells me it was the end of his night. he doesn't drink, so he's not drunk when he's doing this. i left him a voicemail this afternoon and now i haven't heard from him. soooooo............

 

Sooooo a lot of people go out with friends after work on Fridays. Some just carry on to have dinner together. When they get home, they may not even check their messages or feel it's too late to return any calls.

 

Or their friend calls because the friend's mother fell ill and the friend needs help. Or their car breaks down. There are roughly umpty-zillion possible things that might prevent someone from calling.

[Fun2BMe]

MY POINT IS that the erratic thought process starts for us right off the bat. this needs to be conquered. you need to beat it into your head -- (like I need to right now)

That is exactly what happens to me, I start to think erratic and it drives me insane. If I was in your situation meme, I would start feeling upset like he is playing you, stringing you along then avoiding responding to your text and would follow it up by making an unflattering phonecall saying that you know he has a gf and you still contacted him because he asked you to and still he doesn't respond. I would not be sitting trying to make excuses for hiim - "he didn't get my message" "he's too tired" etc. I'm curious when he'll contact you and what sorry excuse he'll make...

 

As for me, I FINALLY received one of the books I ordered today and have immersed myself in it tonight. First I went to visit a friend to get my mind off this situation. I was ok at work but as soon as I got home, I was feeling extremely depressed at how things transpired (or didn't) during the week. Instead of sulking, I went to visit a friend whose bf had gone out for his monthly poker night. As soon as I got back, I checked my email, voicemail everything and he hasn't called.

 

The book is very helpful, exactly the type of writing I have wanted to read. Instead of analyzing the why's of my behavior and why act and think the way I do, it is geared towards modifying behavior by describing what to DO to change. It is extremely helpful, saying to analyze what you think, if it is irrational and to think through what you want to do before doing it to see if it will really bring the results you are seeking to get including to not make assumptions. ex. "Because you treated me unfairly, as you should not have done, my making myself angry at you will make you treat me better and make me happier." (Albert Ellis). That is not the right way to think. It helps to see it in writing.

 

Anyways, I thought I'd drop in to share my progress. The book is an eye-opener, I see my illogical thinking patterns analyzed in every page. I never thought I'd be pointing my finger at myself, all along I thought I was the victim of being treated badly, but I am realizing that I am causing my own misery! and there are things I can DO about it.

 

Going back to the whole childhood analysis thing, the chapter I am on right now explains why it can even be more harmful to analyze the origins of your emotional problems. Instead it makes sense to learn what to do about them. This reminded me of our post and I thought I would add that here. Thanks for recommending this helpful book and all of the helpful feedback. It's so hard to change how I think and interpret things, but I am going to try.