I feel rejected and not sure if it was my fault or simply his lack of interest in me

[Outcast]

hoping that he will realize I'm hurting and waiting for him to give me more attention.

 

Oh right. Because that's attractive. Nobody wants to go rescue wounded puppies (who are wounded for no reason other than their own foolishness).

 

People want to be with people who are fun and pleasant and enjoyable, not people who stress out, freak out, and get pouty and whiny and sorry for themselves.

 

I wanted to show him I liked him. I wouldn't be in that position with a man I didn't like a lot.

 

How can he possibly know that you don't usually bed-hop? It's far, far too desperate to have sex to 'show someone you like him'!!! If you like him, remember what he says, do nice things (OUT of bed) for him, be nice to him.

 

You've made a big mess of this so DO NOT email him or contact him again. Right now he's thinking he's got himself a real drama queen.

 

I don't know how you're getting your ideas of what's supposed to go on when two people are getting to know each other but it's way off.

 

Quit spending your time dreaming about how some romantic hero from a book would pursue you and focus on being a pleasant human being to be around - and that means one who doesn't place unreasonable expectations on a guy and then punish him when he doesn't meet them.

 

Treat getting to know a man the way you would another woman - RELAX!!!!

[luvtoto]

[quote=LN8840K

does this man deserve to receive the love of being rejected and ignored, nobody deserves that kind of love

 

I can understand the premise of the advice, what I don't understand is how ignoring and rejecting someone can be effective at attracting someone

 

You read me wrong.

 

Clearly she is allowing herself to be monopolized by this man that she hardly knows. Not healthy. She just needs to maintain her value throughout this ordeal. Ya know...maintain her mystery a bit.

 

Is that bad advice?

[CoolAunt]

 

You've made a big mess of this so DO NOT email him or contact him again. Right now he's thinking he's got himself a real drama queen.

 

I don't know how you're getting your ideas of what's supposed to go on when two people are getting to know each other but it's way off.

 

Quit spending your time dreaming about how some romantic hero from a book would pursue you and focus on being a pleasant human being to be around - and that means one who doesn't place unreasonable expectations on a guy and then punish him when he doesn't meet them.

 

Treat getting to know a man the way you would another woman - RELAX!!!!

Goddamn, that was harsh, Outcast. Couldn't you have found a less hurtful way to say the same thing? It's all true - well, except the drama queen part, he probably believes he's found an easy piece - but does the truth have to be used as a weapon? ****!

[LN8840K]

not bad advice at all I agree completely with it .... the more a challenge the more I will chase , but challenge and doing what she has done are two different animals ...if someone ignored me and rejected dates I would bounce away ....

 

everyone has ignored someone to get them to go away, so it's natural to think someone ignoring you has no interest ...

[CoolAunt]

not bad advice at all I agree completely with it .... the more a challenge the more I will chase , but challenge and doing what she has done are two different animals ...if someone ignored me and rejected dates I would bounce away ....

 

everyone has ignored someone to get them to go away, so it's natural to think someone ignoring you has no interest ...

He was only willing to date her on weeknights and Sundays. She ignored him thinking it would get him to ask her out on a Fri or Sat night. Fri and Sat nights are prime date nights and also prime nights to meet new women. He didn't want to waste the prime nights on a woman who he doesn't believe he has a future with because she slept with him on the first date. The damage is done. As I see it, the best thing that Fun2 can do is walk away, learn from this, and do better next time.

 

I'm sorry, Fun2. I had to learn this lesson the hard way, too.

[LN8840K]

people also work friday and saturday nights and they play sports and do about everything else, maybe in some cases its true these are prime nights, but not all and I dont consider the day of the week or how far in advance someone asks is a reliable indicator of interest.

 

The expectations are way too high, it was ONE DATE

[CoolAunt]

I'm sure if he worked on weekends, she would know. Be that as it may, she wants someone to date on weekends and he wants to date her on weeknights. If she settled for that, she'd never be satisfied with this guy.

 

Why are you so adamant about this? what's your stake in it? Do you want to console her after he screws her a few more times on the weeknights while he dates what he considers to be "keepers" on Fri and Sat nights?

[LN8840K]

I think the expectations are high to say " he won't date her on weekends screw him " it may be true but those are pretty high expectations are they or not ?

 

You caught my stake in it ..... damn I want to console her and maybe get some cyber knookie on the side .

 

she shouldnt of screwed him then huh and we would not be having this conversation about how or if he does even screw anyone on the weekends.

 

the post was about whether she turned him off or if he liked her at all to begin with,

 

I've been in his shoes and I say he liked her

[Craig]

I am amazed at the game playing and drama going on here. If you like someone why not make it known and for your sake be yourself.

 

The biggest problem with all these recipe books on finding and landing a "good" man is that the men haven't read them. If you do manage to land a man by "techniquing" him you are setting yourself up for relationship hell followed by massive relationship failure. Better to be yourself and find a man that will love you for who you really are, not for your acting skills.

 

Don't call this guy or have any contact with him unless you are willing to be yourself and stop the drama, games and manipulation.

[Outcast]

Why are you so adamant about this? what's your stake in it? Do you want to console her after he screws her a few more times on the weeknights while he dates what he considers to be "keepers" on Fri and Sat nights?

 

That was uncalled for.

[country gal]

The point is, he called. Didn't fit your time table, but he did call you.

 

 

agreed. why not you ask him out for a friday or saturday? dont put it all on his shoulders. he asked you out already and he called. those are good things. meet him half way - or at least close to it. if he blows you off (esp more than once) for the friday or sat thing then get worried, until then put a little effort in.... just my take anyway

[Fun2BMe]

I wish I could reach out and give all of you a hug. I feel like after 37 years, my life has changed in one Sunday.

 

For the past few days, I was planning in my head how I would tell him off. I felt he owed it to me to see me on the weekend. Owed it to me to put up with my rejecting his dates because they were on odd days. Owed it to me to keep emailing me after I snubbed him.

 

You opened my eyes. All of a sudden you got me thinking in his shoes. What if he did think I was just another cheap girl who slept with men on the first date? How is he to know how deeply I feel for him and am so into him?

 

Instead of sitting around waiting for HIM to contact me so that I could tell him off and give him a piece of my mind, you calmed me down and I started seeing things different. I emailed him putting my pride aside at the risk he might not respond, but I felt ok doing it considering what outcast and the others said, how many times is he supposed to contact me?

 

I had a few drinks to feel better, I was feeling extremely depressed about it. Then I took a very long bath after getting tired desperately waiting for the phone to ring, only to feel disappointed he had not emailed or called.

 

To make a long story short, just a few minutes ago he emailed me!!!! He said he hopes everything is good with me and asked what I am doing later tonight!!!! I swear I will never sleep with a guy on the first date again. I can't wait to respond to his email that I am available to see him instead of playing hard to get games. I will tell him that I felt bad after sleeping with him and that maybe we should wait a while. I'll say I couldn't control myself since I liked him so much but I prefer to move at a slower pace.

 

It had never crossed my mind that could have been a turn off. I thank God I have another opportunity to make things better, and to control my emotions. I have been reading some other posts as well and feel like I have learned a lot today. I feel very blessed and I hope to make things better and make it work with him. Thank you everybody for all of your support.

[luvtoto]

The book I referred to earlier teaches woman to get past the unnecessary relationship dramas, to know and understand the pitfalls that woman can fall into and to recognize them.

 

...not a recipe book to know how to land a man.

 

ew!!

[westernxer]

That's wonderful news. Glad I was wrong, but mostly I'm glad your opportunity is still a golden one.

[Fun2BMe]

Before I get too happy, he did write back for me to see him at 9:30. I emailed him originally around 3pm. My whole beef to begin with was that I feel I deserve more respect, why wouldn't he not want to spend the day with me? It's Sunday, he's not working. Again it comes back to my first complaint that I feel like leftover. For all I know he might still be with another girl and will have dinner or something.

 

After 9:30 that gives little time to spend together and I just don't like it period. But after waiting to hear back all day and writing back initating to his email that I am free to see him tonight, I suppose I will accept his 9:30 invitation. Maybe I don't have the best of luck with men, but I am trying and learning every day.

 

I'll let you know how things go. I should have a sandwich because I am a little buzzed. The drama I put myself through, if only he knew all the emotions i have been going through over him. I will act cool and collected and not needy. I am head over heals into this man. I am looking forward to that book for more helpful hints. My dating skills are not up to par. And darn it I washed my hair in my bath after I paid so much to have it done for him on Friday. I should go start looking good for him. Wish me luck.

[Outcast]

why wouldn't he not want to spend the day with me? It's Sunday, he's not working. Again it comes back to my first complaint that I feel like leftover. For all I know he might still be with another girl and will have dinner or something.

 

Here we go again

 

Look. You have NO right to assume anything about him. Not about how he spends his time. Not about why he does what he does. For all you know, he has a grandmother with Alzheimer's that he takes care of every weekend. He could be in training for a marathon. He could have two jobs.

YOU DO NOT KNOW.

NEVER ASSUME YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN SOMEONE'S HEAD, especially if you then get mad at him for what you have assumed. That is one of the many roads straight to disaster!!!

[luvtoto]

"After 9:30 that gives little time to spend together and I just don't like it period. But..."

 

I am not trying to be your buzz-kill here. But, why are you compromising for this guy? A guy you hardly know? He contacts you at the last minute and wants to see you at 9:30 at night? Doesn't sound like he's putting as much thought into things as you are.

[westernxer]

I'm curious as to why he chose this hour, which nulllifies my congrats hours earlier.

[Fun2BMe]

I'm curious as to why he chose this hour, which nulllifies my congrats hours earlier.

I'm all dressed and ready to meet with him and still have some time to kill. It is only just after 8pm. In all honesty I am very tired and even a little sleepy. I have work in the morning. I am starting feel the anger all over again at how he is treating me. I know people say it is my fault how I get treated. I try my best, and look at the situation I am in. I want to go to bed, flake on him and cry into my pillow.

 

What are we going to talk about this late? What if he has made up his mind that I am only about sex. I have prepped myself to say no to that. What a mess this might turn out. All I want is for him to get to know me better and like me so we are on the same level. To want to see me during the day on Sunday instead of this late. To ask me out on weekends. I am feeling miserable now. I will be signing off, take a little nap then meet with him feeling all torn up inside as if I am desperate when I think I am a good catch and disappointed at how things are panning out. Bye for now.

[kitkat826]

I say go with your gut. I agree that there is something fishy about 9:30 p.m.

 

Let us know how it goes...your Sunday night is way more eventful than mine!! (Desperate Housewives anyone???)

[ms_jnj]

Well I can't pretend to know how guys think, but if I had to guess it would be this:

 

He didn't call right away because he didn't want to seem too eager.

 

But then he did call. He felt like "too lazy" was a lame excuse that that you were rejecting him.

 

But hey...he still liked you. So he texted or called or whatnot, several days later. But then you were so abrupt and short with him, that he figured that yeah you really WERE rejecting him.

 

So, I don't know what advice to give, but it sounds to me like he liked you and he's probably thinking you were the one that didn't like him.

[ReluctantRomeo]

He felt like "too lazy" was a lame excuse that that you were rejecting him... it sounds to me like he liked you and he's probably thinking you were the one that didn't like him.

 

I'd agree. Try looking at it from his point of view. You need to calm down a little.

 

IMHO, the book you should be reading should be one which tells you to signal what you really want, not pretend to be cool when you're not. Passion is attractive, coolness is not. Inconsistency and mixed messages are also pretty effective turn-offs.

[filarena]

I'm sure I'll get a million responses that so-and-so slept together on the first date and they've been together 400 years since then. In fact, I know a couple - ONE couple - who had sex on their first date and have been married about ten years now. But there are a good number of men who, although quite willing to have sex with a woman on the first date, will then relegate her to "good for now" girl because he assumes she sleeps with all of her first dates. Great chemistry and fantastic sex won't change that perception. It's not fair but it's the way that it is. There's nothing you can do to change that initial impression of you. Just live and learn.

 

For what it's worth, I slept with my current girlfriend on the first date and I must admit her willingness to do so sent up red flags in my head. We had, however, spoken on the phone a great deal before we met and both felt a very strong connection right away. But if I hadn't already felt strongly about her, I probably wouldn't even have seen her again just b/c of the first date sex. It is unfair ladies, but that's how it is.

 

And for that matter, tell me women don't feel the same way about men. How many guys reveal their deepest emotions before anything gets intimate only to never hear from the girl again or find she sees them as "just friends"?

 

Don't ask me why society decided men are after sex and women are after emotional intimicay, but that's the rules of the game and if you give up what society says your gender is supposed to be guarding closely, you are seen as an unworthy catch.

[bigbrowneyes]

 

Yes, we did have sex. It was very good and I don't easily fall into that. I really thought he liked me a lot, at least as much as I liked him. When I never (granted it hasn't been a long time yet) progressed to the Friday-Saturday schedule, I am feeling rejected and now that I turned him down last Sunday and Wed. kind of snumbbed his email, he hasn't called or emailed since

 

I'm surprised at your anger in this situation Fun2BMe. I mean you had sex with this guy within 2 dates. You showed him that it's ok to treat you with disrespect and that's why you are his weeknight date. Doesn't anyone wait to get to know someone anymore before they give themselves totally? Sex doesn't mean someone "likes" you, sex means someone likes sex...especially if you only dated twice. When you reserve sex for someone who respects you and is willing to wait to establish a committed, loving relationship than you'll know that he "likes" you. At 37 I'm surprised you haven't already learned this lesson.

[westernxer]

Wonder how it went last night... hopefully it went great.