For those of you using dating apps, how are you getting dates?

[Alpacalia]

  On 2/22/2024 at 9:29 PM, seamusharper said:

I have no shirtless pictures of myself and only one picture of me in a suit. The rest are pictures of me on horseback, flying planes, snowboarding, etc.

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I wasn't implying photographs, rather that it's very impressive and might be something to include in your profile for a blurb about yourself. A little tactfully worded of course. That's nothing to be coy about, it's incredible. Very nice!

The caveat being that maybe if the intimidation factor comes into play with some of your past dating experiences or lack thereof  - might be good to also include a bit of earnest, sincere humility (you know, the sensible kind) to balance that out.  Unless you feel that you're pretty humble already.  In that case, just carry on.

[Wiseman2]

Hopefully this isn't on your profile "take a woman out on trail rides, or drive up to a place to go snowboarding, etc"

 

[basil67]

  On 2/22/2024 at 9:29 PM, seamusharper said:

My Friday - Sunday nights are open. I'd love to take a woman out on trail rides, or drive up to a place to go snowboarding, etc. I can make time, even if it's just an evening.

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You're an interesting blend of outdoorsy and high maintenance grooming/health.   Interestingly, I know women who are outdoorsy, but they would be more likely to go for a more low key kind of guy.   And I know high maintenance women who are into buying lots of hair/skin/makeup products and fashion, but they aren't outdoorsy.    Add good looks to the equation and you're looking for a needle in a haystack.

Also, as you're seeking casual dating, this niche person will still be looking for a relationship with someone else while doing all of this with you.  Can you deal with that?

Edited February 22, 2024 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

Agree. I get my eyelashes done, I do my own nails and hair at home but I am also very much into hiking & nature (although nothing overly extreme or "outdoorsy"... I'm too scared of bugs for that lol).  I might be too high maintenance for the outdoorsy type and too "outdoorsy" for the high maintenance type. So maybe I make zero sense at all. Ha!

But just reading that last bit it would intimidate me because I would feel like I could never keep up with you physically, I would feel pressure to be perfect at ALL times as well as it would feel like your standards are like that too. I know this is my own projection insecurity though.

This probably depends on the person. But I think it's a lot about the impression people have in what you expect from others or if this comes out as pressure. It can be very intimidating for women who are not on the same level of fitness or don't uphold the same standards of self-grooming.

Edited February 22, 2024 by Alpacalia

[seamusharper]

@basil67 @Alpacalia You both bring up an interesting point I didn't think of. I wouldn't consider myself high maintenance in the sense that I'm a pretty boy who gets plucked and facialed. I just genuinely have a passion for health and taking care of myself. I guess that could come across as high maintenance. 

I do set very high standards for myself and it's definitely not easy to maintain them. Whether or not I expect that out of who I'm dating is a different matter. If it's casual dating then I wouldn't expect that but at least I'd still like you to be in shape or have some sort of desire to take care of yourself. If it's a relationship, then I think the standards are definitely higher. I guess whether or not anyone can live up to those is a whole other discussion. 

@basil67 If what you're implying is that I meet this niche person whilst I'm casually dating but she wants a relationship, would I forego the casual for something serious with her? The answer would be yes (assuming we get along) since you're describing a special person that I would want something more serious with.

[basil67]

  On 2/22/2024 at 4:58 PM, seamusharper said:

I am very passionate about health so that is the first think I look for in a woman. Is she fit? Does she take care of her body? I'm 5'9", 155lbs lean muscle. I like petite, fit women. By fit I don't mean buff, but a body that is well taken care of in terms of diet and a passion for working out. To be blunt, many women on the apps are huge. You all can say I'm a bad person for saying that but these are women in their 20s who weigh more than me and it only gets worse as the age range goes up. Why should go for those women? I don't care how great her personality is, if you can't cherish your health, I don't want you in my life romantically.

The example I gave above of the girl I spoke to last night shows you I'm not pursuing these out-of-reach women and that I can compromise a bit on some things and like a woman as a complete package but some things, like health and fitness, I refuse to compromise on.

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Hang on, you're primarily looking for casual fun.   As long as she's aesthetcially pleasing and enjoys doing fun stuff with you, what does her long term health matter?

The more you write, the more I can see why you're encountering difficulties.  You're judging prospective casual dates as if they are going to be your life partner.  And if she was someone you could see a future with, you wouldn't have a lot of time to give them. 

[seamusharper]

  On 2/22/2024 at 10:19 PM, basil67 said:

Hang on, you're primarily looking for casual fun.   As long as she's aesthetcially pleasing and enjoys doing fun stuff with you, what does her long term health matter?

The more you write, the more I can see why you're encountering difficulties.  You're judging prospective casual dates as if they are going to be your life partner.  And if she was someone you could see a future with, you wouldn't have a lot of time to give them. 

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I get what you're saying but I'm trying to approach this with the perspective of casually dating, whilst being open to the fact that I might meet someone that I would want something serious with (not necessarily marriage/life partner).

Long term health is vital, why shouldn't that matter? I would expect her to expect me to maintain my health just as well.

[Alpacalia]

  On 2/22/2024 at 10:16 PM, seamusharper said:

You both bring up an interesting point I didn't think of. I wouldn't consider myself high maintenance in the sense that I'm a pretty boy who gets plucked and facialed.

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Metrosexual?

I'm just getting a sense from your posts that your trying to fit women into this one size fits all box. What I mean by that is I don't think your giving women enough credit in terms of their individuality. Of course no woman (or person) is perfect let alone picture perfect according to an entire group of people. It's just a reality that people are evolving and won't ever fit into a perfect category.

People are looking for other individual people to connect with. I think you'll find that you'll connect with people who are also looking for individuals and not enough people who are looking for certain categories. I hope that makes sense.

[basil67]

  On 2/22/2024 at 10:25 PM, seamusharper said:

I get what you're saying but I'm trying to approach this with the perspective of casually dating, whilst being open to the fact that I might meet someone that I would want something serious with (not necessarily marriage/life partner).

Long term health is vital, why shouldn't that matter? I would expect her to expect me to maintain my health just as well.

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If she's not going to be a life partner, I can't see that her long term health has any relevance to you.   Are you going to ditch a fun girl because she orders fried wings and a glass of wine for an entree?

 

Edited February 22, 2024 by basil67

[Sony12]

Hopefully the TC isn't telling these gals that he's mainly looking for casual dating as that would be a big turn off to most of them. Even if you are mainly looking for casual you still need to go into it with an open mind about the potential of it turning into more. Even if you are mainly just around them for sex and fun you put on the front that it is more than that to you.

The more the TC talks in this thread makes it all the more apparent why he is having trouble getting attention online.

Edited February 22, 2024 by Sony12

[seamusharper]

  On 2/22/2024 at 10:28 PM, Alpacalia said:

Metrosexual?

I'm just getting a sense from your posts that your trying to fit women into this one size fits all box. What I mean by that is I don't think your giving women enough credit in terms of their individuality. Of course no woman (or person) is perfect let alone picture perfect according to an entire group of people. It's just a reality that people are evolving and won't ever fit into a perfect category.

People are looking for other individual people to connect with. I think you'll find that you'll connect with people who are also looking for individuals and not enough people who are looking for certain categories. I hope that makes sense.

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Hmmm, maybe.

I do get what you're saying. Maybe I'm trying to categorize women but I'm really just looking for a few, specific things I don't want to compromise on such as health. She doesn't have to be a fashion icon, but I'd like it if she at least put SOME effort into her clothing. And I don't expect her to necessarily keep up with me physically in terms of outdoor activities. I'm just as happy spending time with her indoors as in outdoors.

Back to the girl at improv, she was wearing yoga pants and a plaid shirt. Nothing fashionable but I still liked her so I think I'm not as rigid as it seems.

  On 2/22/2024 at 10:30 PM, basil67 said:

If she's not going to be a life partner, I can't see that her long term health has any relevance to you.   Are you going to ditch a fun girl because she orders fried wings and a glass of wine for an entree?

 

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I thought you said if she WAS to be a life partner.

If she is someone I'm just casually dating, then no, I'm not going to ditch her if she orders fries and wine haha.

[seamusharper]

  On 2/22/2024 at 10:36 PM, Sony12 said:

Hopefully the TC isn't telling these gals that he's mainly looking for casual dating as that would be a big turn off to most of them. Even if you are mainly looking for casual you still need to go into it with an open mind about the potential of it turning into more. Even if you are mainly just around them for sex and fun you put on the front that it is more than that to you.

The more the TC talks in this thread makes it all the more apparent why he is having trouble getting attention online.

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I am NOT telling anyone I'm looking for something casual. In now place does the word casual show on my profile.

I am doing what you are saying which is keeping an open mind about the potential of it turning into something more with anyone I meet.

Edited February 22, 2024 by seamusharper

[Alpacalia]

  On 2/22/2024 at 10:36 PM, Sony12 said:

Hopefully the TC isn't telling these gals that he's mainly looking for casual dating as that would be a big turn off to most of them. Even if you are mainly looking for casual you still need to go into it with an open mind about the potential of it turning into more. Even if you are mainly just around them for sex and fun you put on the front that it is more than that to you.

The more the TC talks in this thread makes it all the more apparent why he is having trouble getting attention online.

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I dunno. I would appreciate that he was forthcoming saying 'casual' and respect that he's being honest. No reason to discount him otherwise if we had good chemistry. That label doesn't mean icky, sleezy, irresponsible...probably more than 80% of the dates out there. So it's unlikely that I would even give it a thought unless he also gave off some other bad signals.

[seamusharper]

  On 2/22/2024 at 10:45 PM, Alpacalia said:

I dunno. I would appreciate that he was forthcoming saying 'casual' and respect that he's being honest. No reason to discount him otherwise if we had good chemistry. That label doesn't mean icky, sleezy, irresponsible...probably more than 80% of the dates out there. So it's unlikely that I would even give it a thought unless he also gave off some other bad signals.

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I at least want to see her and interact with her in person before making my choice. But whatever I decide, I am always honest and if I can see that she is interested in a relationship but that I don't see myself wanting one with said person, I'll tell her I'm wanting something more casual and we'll part ways. I think that is both fair and open minded. But I think it's only fair to at least give a person the chance in person.

[basil67]

  On 2/22/2024 at 10:40 PM, seamusharper said:

I am NOT telling anyone I'm looking for something casual. In now place does the word casual show on my profile.

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Hang on, when I suggested something about "fun generous guy seeking casual dating, open to relationship with the right person" you replied with "That is a good idea, I will give it a try! " 

I take it you've changed your mind?

 

[Weezy1973]

@seamusharper You do seem to have very high standards for people you’re just looking to have casual fun with. Broadly speaking, men lower their looks standards when it come to no commitment, casual sex type dating. And women raise their looks standards for the same (which is another reason why it’s tough for most guys to get casual sex with even moderately attractive women). 
 

I had pretty good success with online dating, but I’m also not a casual dating guy. I was a serial monogamous so always looking for a relationship, which aligned with most women which is probably why I had good success. I certainly don’t check the boxes you do in terms of looks, fitness, career success, etc. But consistently got dates with attractive women. And I too had a “nobody overweight” requirement. 
 

But I’ve never been drawn to the “hook up” culture so never felt I was missing out on anything. But I can see that if you get your validation from women, having attractive women want to have sex with you would represent that you’re “worthy” even if it is a temporary fix. 

[SurfCity]

  On 2/22/2024 at 4:47 PM, seamusharper said:

I need to get back in the game and get to a social life where I'm coming in constant contact with new women also. 

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This is the solution. You need more experience and more practice interacting with women that you find attractive. The more experience you have, the less nervous you'll be.

You say that you speak many languages, would you have been able to become fluent in those languages if you had practiced them as infrequently as you practice being social or talking to women? You probably have a natural aptitude for languages that you maybe don't have for socializing, so you need to put even more practice, time, and effort into socializing to get good results.

Start with getting some guy friends and putting less focus on dating apps. Striking up a conversation with the woman at improv was a smart move and is exactly the type of thing that you need to do. Focus on having more interactions in real life like that. Each time that you do, you'll learn from your mistakes and eventually you'll have a successful result.

[seamusharper]

  On 2/22/2024 at 11:33 PM, basil67 said:

Hang on, when I suggested something about "fun generous guy seeking casual dating, open to relationship with the right person" you replied with "That is a good idea, I will give it a try! " 

I take it you've changed your mind?

 

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I thought about it and did not make any changes. I think I want to at least interact with the person, hopefully see them in person, and then be honest with them depending upon what we both want.

  On 2/23/2024 at 12:05 AM, Weezy1973 said:

@seamusharper You do seem to have very high standards for people you’re just looking to have casual fun with. Broadly speaking, men lower their looks standards when it come to no commitment, casual sex type dating. And women raise their looks standards for the same (which is another reason why it’s tough for most guys to get casual sex with even moderately attractive women). 
 

I had pretty good success with online dating, but I’m also not a casual dating guy. I was a serial monogamous so always looking for a relationship, which aligned with most women which is probably why I had good success. I certainly don’t check the boxes you do in terms of looks, fitness, career success, etc. But consistently got dates with attractive women. And I too had a “nobody overweight” requirement. 
 

But I’ve never been drawn to the “hook up” culture so never felt I was missing out on anything. But I can see that if you get your validation from women, having attractive women want to have sex with you would represent that you’re “worthy” even if it is a temporary fix. 

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If it's just casual, then no, I don't expect high standards but I'd still like them to be at least fit. I don't know if it's just something I need to get out of me. I wish I didn't want to hook up casually, I've honestly never really done it so maybe I'll get bored of it quickly, who knows.

  On 2/23/2024 at 1:35 AM, SurfCity said:

This is the solution. You need more experience and more practice interacting with women that you find attractive. The more experience you have, the less nervous you'll be.

You say that you speak many languages, would you have been able to become fluent in those languages if you had practiced them as infrequently as you practice being social or talking to women? You probably have a natural aptitude for languages that you maybe don't have for socializing, so you need to put even more practice, time, and effort into socializing to get good results.

Start with getting some guy friends and putting less focus on dating apps. Striking up a conversation with the woman at improv was a smart move and is exactly the type of thing that you need to do. Focus on having more interactions in real life like that. Each time that you do, you'll learn from your mistakes and eventually you'll have a successful result.

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Some great advice, thank you. I don't have a natural aptitude for languages, they do require a lot of practice and nothing beats surrounding yourself with native folks.

I definitely need to get over my nerves with attractive women and the only way to do that is by interacting with them as you have said: reps, reps, reps. I'll make it a point to have as many interactions with them as I can but I'll definitely focus on finding friends. That is definitely of the utmost importance.

[basil67]

  On 2/23/2024 at 2:51 AM, seamusharper said:

If it's just casual, then no, I don't expect high standards but I'd still like them to be at least fit.

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Why does a casual date need to be fit?  And how do you judge if she's fit enough for you to date casually?  

Is slim not enough for you?

[seamusharper]

  On 2/23/2024 at 5:45 AM, basil67 said:

Why does a casual date need to be fit?  And how do you judge if she's fit enough for you to date casually?  

Is slim not enough for you?

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Slim is definitely enough!

[Wiseman2]

If you had more success 10 years ago, now that you are supposedly better off more well rounded and more successful, how do you explain that at 25 you did ok but at 35 you're not having any luck, success and can't even talk to women? 

Are you just putting too much pressure on yourself especially over selling and over marketing yourself on these apps? 

[seamusharper]

  On 2/23/2024 at 4:28 PM, Wiseman2 said:

If you had more success 10 years ago, now that you are supposedly better off more well rounded and more successful, how do you explain that at 25 you did ok but at 35 you're not having any luck, success and can't even talk to women? 

Are you just putting too much pressure on yourself especially over selling and over marketing yourself on these apps? 

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I am capable of talking to women. 10 years ago I was in college and had access to friends, women, etc.

I'm definitely putting too much pressure on myself. It's a bad combination of past issues with, combined with being out of the dating game for a few years, as well as having a dormant social life. I'm working on all of this now, but it'll take a while to "get back to speed" so to speak.

[Els]

  On 2/20/2024 at 10:50 PM, seamusharper said:

It was very easy getting dates 10 years ago. I'd like to date women in their mid to late 20s. All I hear is how much women in their 20s love dating guys in there 30s

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Boy are you contradicting yourself. If it was very easy for you get get dates with 20+ yo women 10 years ago (when you were in your 20s), and very difficult now, what does that say to you about who women in their 20s REALLY want to date?

I don't know who you're "hearing" these things from, but when I was in my mid 20s, we thought that men in their mid 30s were basically doddering octogenarians, and the ones who tried to hit on us were gross. Obviously nobody is truly old at 34, but when you are 25, 34 just seems impossibly old to you. Truthfully, when YOU were 25, did you actually find any 34-yo women attractive?

The whole "women in their 20s love dating guys in their 30s" thing is just copium that unsuccessful young men try to tell themselves and other people. Most of them reach their 30s and realize that (surprise!) it's even harder in their 30s. There are exceptions, of course, especially if one is rich and willing to sponsor a lavish lifestyle for the young woman, but in general most people prefer dating people close to their age, and women in their mid to late 20s are no different. Most of my friends and I dated and eventually married the men who were close to our ages. There were occasionally age-gap relationships, and preferences can and do go out the window if they meet a person they connect with in real life... but you're on a dating app. Does it not make sense to you that your odds are infinitesimal?

 

Edited February 27, 2024 by Els

[FredEire]

  On 2/27/2024 at 11:03 AM, Els said:

Boy are you contradicting yourself. If it was very easy for you get get dates with 20+ yo women 10 years ago (when you were in your 20s), and very difficult now, what does that say to you about who women in their 20s REALLY want to date?

I don't know who you're "hearing" these things from, but when I was in my mid 20s, we thought that men in their mid 30s were basically doddering octogenarians, and the ones who tried to hit on us were gross. Obviously nobody is truly old at 34, but when you are 25, 34 just seems impossibly old to you. Truthfully, when YOU were 25, did you actually find any 34-yo women attractive?

The whole "women in their 20s love dating guys in their 30s" thing is just copium that unsuccessful young men try to tell themselves and other people. Most of them reach their 30s and realize that (surprise!) it's even harder in their 30s. There are exceptions, of course, especially if one is rich and willing to sponsor a lavish lifestyle for the young woman, but in general most people prefer dating people close to their age, and women in their mid to late 20s are no different. Most of my friends and I dated and eventually married the men who were close to our ages. There were occasionally age-gap relationships, and preferences can and do go out the window if they meet a person they connect with in real life... but you're on a dating app. Does it not make sense to you that your odds are infinitesimal?

 

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I think there's a lot of factors, some people hold up physically a lot better than others in their 30s.

Either way there's a lot to be said for dating someone a similar age if you're in your mid 30s. Women in their 30s are generally a lot more comfortable with what they want, and have experience navigating relationships.

I think the key thing isn't to be too picky and say "I only want a tall blonde 23 year old who's never been in a relationship before" because it's a recipe for failure.

[seamusharper]

  On 2/27/2024 at 11:03 AM, Els said:

Boy are you contradicting yourself. If it was very easy for you get get dates with 20+ yo women 10 years ago (when you were in your 20s), and very difficult now, what does that say to you about who women in their 20s REALLY want to date?

I don't know who you're "hearing" these things from, but when I was in my mid 20s, we thought that men in their mid 30s were basically doddering octogenarians, and the ones who tried to hit on us were gross. Obviously nobody is truly old at 34, but when you are 25, 34 just seems impossibly old to you. Truthfully, when YOU were 25, did you actually find any 34-yo women attractive?

The whole "women in their 20s love dating guys in their 30s" thing is just copium that unsuccessful young men try to tell themselves and other people. Most of them reach their 30s and realize that (surprise!) it's even harder in their 30s. There are exceptions, of course, especially if one is rich and willing to sponsor a lavish lifestyle for the young woman, but in general most people prefer dating people close to their age, and women in their mid to late 20s are no different. Most of my friends and I dated and eventually married the men who were close to our ages. There were occasionally age-gap relationships, and preferences can and do go out the window if they meet a person they connect with in real life... but you're on a dating app. Does it not make sense to you that your odds are infinitesimal?

 

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I get what you're saying, sure, but what is the issue with dating someone in their late 20s?

I get the early to mid-20s girls are maybe not the best age group to be pursuing but women 27-29 for example, why does that seem like such a large jump to people? I know several couples like this, and while yes, they didn't meet on apps, that age range should not pose an infinitesimal chance if I approach this from a real-world perspective and not app dating.

@FredEire I don't think I'm as picky as people make me out to be on here but I've put substantial work into my life and myself and settling is just not something that I want to do. I adjusted the age range on the apps to accommodate women in their 30s and to be honest, if it's a relationship that I'm looking for, many of these women are simply not attractive to me. If that makes me a picky a**h***, the so be it, but if you can't even take care of your health, then it won't work out long term.