For those of you using dating apps, how are you getting dates?

[Weezy1973]

On 2/19/2024 at 10:17 PM, seamusharper said:

I was online/app dating in 2014/15 and got so many dates with lackluster photos and almost no thought to my profile. 

I’m a bit confused on saying you missed out on dates when you were younger because you said you were successful in getting dates as per the above.

 

But regardless I think one of the issues as discussed is you being in your mid 30s and wanting to date with no commitment like someone in their early to mid 20s. Young, attractive women that just want casual fun have so many options, they can date the most attractive men. 
 

And then put into the equation “aspirational dating” which is a struggle for both men and women and some of the other factors posters have mentioned and you can see why you’re struggling. You can keep on the apps, but definitely supplement that with going out and getting to know people in real life. Just socializing in general is great for one’s mental health.

[seamusharper]

4 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yeah this is the paradigm of the modern world. You have to make social sacrifices to get ahead financially but if you spend your youth being more social you can be in trouble financially as you get older.

I agree with Sony about getting out to more social events as well as Tinder etc. don't put all your eggs in one basket.

You're still a relatively young financially stable guy and you've said you're in good shape as well so I wouldn't get too downhearted. Just get out there try everything and try to forget about what you want and just live in the moment.

It's a harsh paradigm and I accept responsibility for my life. I shot myself in the foot with a huge pivot in my late 20s career-wise so I had to restart to focus on becoming financially well-off.

Had I just done what I did in my late 20s much earlier, I could have at least enjoyed the rest of that decade but between a massive education investment in the first half of my 20s, followed by a massive time investment for my businesses in the second half of my 20s, I lost a whole decade of my life. Am I better off for it? On paper I am, but here I am dealing with what I'm going through.

I'm trying to see everything I have going for me which is more than most people my age and some days I appreciate it, but most days I just can't get past the lack of friends and women in my life. 

I'm trying many things right now, improv classes, Meetups, etc. soI am trying and I am keeping an open mind.

[seamusharper]

5 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I’m a bit confused on saying you missed out on dates when you were younger because you said you were successful in getting dates as per the above.

 

But regardless I think one of the issues as discussed is you being in your mid 30s and wanting to date with no commitment like someone in their early to mid 20s. Young, attractive women that just want casual fun have so many options, they can date the most attractive men. 
 

And then put into the equation “aspirational dating” which is a struggle for both men and women and some of the other factors posters have mentioned and you can see why you’re struggling. You can keep on the apps, but definitely supplement that with going out and getting to know people in real life. Just socializing in general is great for one’s mental health.

I did get many dates, but many of them didn't lead to anything and admittedly, I didn't capitalize on them when they did as I was just so focused on school and work. What I meant by that was, back then, it was so easy to match, exchange numbers, and meet. Now, it's like pulling teeth.

I mean you've stated my biggest fear, that I'm just not attractive enough to date how I want since the young, attractive girls that I like are going for the best of the best. I know I'm not an unattractive guy, I've gotten attention from attractive women in the past and everyone wonders why I'm single, I think the harsh truth is that given what I'd like now, the reality is it might not be possible. I missed out and that really sucks.

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, seamusharper said:

It's a harsh paradigm and I accept responsibility for my life. I shot myself in the foot with a huge pivot in my late 20s career-wise so I had to restart to focus on becoming financially well-off.

Had I just done what I did in my late 20s much earlier, I could have at least enjoyed the rest of that decade but between a massive education investment in the first half of my 20s, followed by a massive time investment for my businesses in the second half of my 20s, I lost a whole decade of my life. Am I better off for it? On paper I am, but here I am dealing with what I'm going through.

I'm trying to see everything I have going for me which is more than most people my age and some days I appreciate it, but most days I just can't get past the lack of friends and women in my life. 

I'm trying many things right now, improv classes, Meetups, etc. soI am trying and I am keeping an open mind.

I don't think you shot yourself in the foot. We only have so much time and with inflation and ever greater social isolation you have to spend it wisely. Financial freedom is worth investing in.

For what it's worth you're far from alone, I relate to a lot of what you're saying. In social media happy world everyone's got it all figured out and is winning at life but under the surface you have an endemic of lonely sexless men signing up to OnlyFans, and very confused women wondering where all the good men went and replacing kids with cats.

It's only going to get worse before it gets better, I'm actually grateful to have grown up without phones and not be a teenager today. You just have to try and navigate the madness and find your own way among the chaos.

[Wiseman2]

If you just need to get it out of your system, the sugar dating may be an option. There's no free lunch and just because you missed out, it doesn't mean you can use women for fun and catching up on lost youth. Sadly you seem to be creating a very difficult situation for yourself, even though you have the ways and means not to. For example, you bother signing up for all these apps, ask for advice, ignore all of it, get easily frustrated and angry then just abandon the whole idea. Unfortunately, you seem to be your own worst enemy. 

Edited February 21 by Wiseman2

[FredEire]

I don't think it's been mentioned yet but if you have the means why not travel for a bit?

It's a life enriching experience and if you're only after casual dating for now the transitory nature of it lends itself to the short term.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, seamusharper said:

Yes, I suppose technically I would get dates if I decided to match with the women that I don't like, but what's the point? There really isn't much to go off from a simple app profile. I'm definitely going for what looks attractive to me. My only other option is to go for women I don't find attractive which isn't an option. I've been with women I haven't been attracted to and it's miserable. And I'm not swiping right on every attractive girl and believe me, I'm not into the "big tits, big ass, big lips" crowd. 

Maybe I just need to get it out of my system. Maybe I'll get bored of it relatively quickly and decide I want to settle down sooner than I thought. Who knows. I do know that I've spoken to many people like me, men and women, who buckled down in our 20s to establish ourselves and didn't partake in hooking up and now we're in a good place in life financially, far better than most other people our age, but we've got no one. It's lonely and we don't even have memories of having fun in our 20s. 

Honestly, I would love more than anything to find that one girl that I'm really, really into and commit to her. But I can't even find girls to have fun with, what are the odds I'm going to find someone to "knock me off my feet" and want me to just be with her?

This is vital and informative. Do NOT ever ever ever go out with people you do not find attractive in the hope they will become more attractive, all that will happen is your own self worth will be negatively impacted when you start things "is this really the best I can attract" 

Irrespective to settle down you would need to meet someone who is attractive to you so the criteria at the least the way I understand it does not change much.

My suggestion: take a break or resort to a highly superficial type profile.

[seamusharper]

46 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I don't think you shot yourself in the foot. We only have so much time and with inflation and ever greater social isolation you have to spend it wisely. Financial freedom is worth investing in.

For what it's worth you're far from alone, I relate to a lot of what you're saying. In social media happy world everyone's got it all figured out and is winning at life but under the surface you have an endemic of lonely sexless men signing up to OnlyFans, and very confused women wondering where all the good men went and replacing kids with cats.

It's only going to get worse before it gets better, I'm actually grateful to have grown up without phones and not be a teenager today. You just have to try and navigate the madness and find your own way among the chaos.

It's definitely tough. I know financial freedom is worth investing in, it's just hard to appreciate it being the in situation I am. I've avoided stuff like OnlyFans and I've always been straight edge with regards to drinking, drugs, etc. I actually know many women who have checked out and have all gotten dogs who swear they are their children so I see that too in my personal life.

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you just need to get it out of your system, the sugar dating may be an option. There's no free lunch and just because you missed out, it doesn't mean you can use women for fun and catching up on lost youth. Sadly you seem to be creating a very difficult situation for yourself, even though you have the ways and means not to. For example, you bother signing up for all these apps, ask for advice, ignore all of it, get easily frustrated and angry then just abandon the whole idea. Unfortunately, you seem to be your own worst enemy. 

Honestly, I might have no choice but to do that. It just sucks because I know those women aren't into me, they're just into my money no matter what they say.

How am I ignoring advice? I'm taking everything everyone here is saying to heart and applying it.

8 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I don't think it's been mentioned yet but if you have the means why not travel for a bit?

It's a life enriching experience and if you're only after casual dating for now the transitory nature of it lends itself to the short term.

I pepper my year with travels but a lot of those I do alone which again goes back to my issue of wanting someone. Travel is awesome and I love to do it but again, it's not a cure for wanting to have fun with women and/or being with someone.

[ZA Dater]

54 minutes ago, seamusharper said:

It's a harsh paradigm and I accept responsibility for my life. I shot myself in the foot with a huge pivot in my late 20s career-wise so I had to restart to focus on becoming financially well-off.

Had I just done what I did in my late 20s much earlier, I could have at least enjoyed the rest of that decade but between a massive education investment in the first half of my 20s, followed by a massive time investment for my businesses in the second half of my 20s, I lost a whole decade of my life. Am I better off for it? On paper I am, but here I am dealing with what I'm going through.

I'm trying to see everything I have going for me which is more than most people my age and some days I appreciate it, but most days I just can't get past the lack of friends and women in my life. 

I'm trying many things right now, improv classes, Meetups, etc. soI am trying and I am keeping an open mind.

With respect I can relate heavily to all of this because it describes me to about 90% accuracy. I have gone through years of dating misery if there is wisdom I can give you, its to not become consumed and to TRY to not look back retrospectively, you made the decisions you made and they cannot be changed, would things have been different but you do not know if they would have been better. You need to try not let a lack of dating success taint your life as a whole because if this battle is lost, trust me you will go to a very dark unpleasant place, I know this because I am in that place more often than not.

Keep you mind open and keep your eyes open, your spirits high and keep moving forward with a degree of optimism, this is what I would have told myself when I was 34yo and had I had the benefit of hindsight.

Yes, you will feel like throwing everything in the metaphorical bin but DO NOT do this. OLD is nothing more than an online store and as such cannot be taken seriously, irrespective how many subscriptions you have, how many photos you have and crucially it does not matter how intelligent you portray yourself in your bio. You need be confident in who you are and NEVER tie that confidence to dating success, again a less I would have told my less damaged self at your age.

 

 

[FredEire]

23 minutes ago, seamusharper said:

It's definitely tough. I know financial freedom is worth investing in, it's just hard to appreciate it being the in situation I am. I've avoided stuff like OnlyFans and I've always been straight edge with regards to drinking, drugs, etc. I actually know many women who have checked out and have all gotten dogs who swear they are their children so I see that too in my personal life.

Honestly, I might have no choice but to do that. It just sucks because I know those women aren't into me, they're just into my money no matter what they say.

How am I ignoring advice? I'm taking everything everyone here is saying to heart and applying it.

I pepper my year with travels but a lot of those I do alone which again goes back to my issue of wanting someone. Travel is awesome and I love to do it but again, it's not a cure for wanting to have fun with women and/or being with someone.

I don't live in America but from what I hear LA is one of the biggest spots where this "new normal" of social isolation and people going a bit crazy/getting very lonely is becoming commonplace. It may be worth considering changing location.

Stuff like OnlyFans is about as sad as it gets. I understand people "checking out" at some point but at that point it's better to fill your life with hobbies rather than unhealthy desperate indulgences.

[seamusharper]

1 minute ago, FredEire said:

I don't live in America but from what I hear LA is one of the biggest spots where this "new normal" of social isolation and people going a bit crazy/getting very lonely is becoming commonplace. It may be worth considering changing location.

Stuff like OnlyFans is about as sad as it gets. I understand people "checking out" at some point but at that point it's better to fill your life with hobbies rather than unhealthy desperate indulgences.

Unfortunately, I can't leave. I have two businesses that have me tied down here and I don't see that changing for the next several years. I think any of the big cities are suffering from this and it's tragic.

[Sony12]

@seamusharperhave you thought about joining a local singles group? That would probably be better for you at this point than online. 

[seamusharper]

5 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

@seamusharperhave you thought about joining a local singles group? That would probably be better for you at this point than online. 

That is next on my list. There are many here through Meetup, Eventbrite, etc. of all different "themes" so I'm going to try those.

[seamusharper]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

This is vital and informative. Do NOT ever ever ever go out with people you do not find attractive in the hope they will become more attractive, all that will happen is your own self worth will be negatively impacted when you start things "is this really the best I can attract" 

Irrespective to settle down you would need to meet someone who is attractive to you so the criteria at the least the way I understand it does not change much.

My suggestion: take a break or resort to a highly superficial type profile.

Thanks for chiming in man, I didn't see your posts earlier. Honestly, the only women I've been with were women that I found unattractive. The sex was bad and every time I got home, I looked at myself in the mirror and asked, "WTF are you doing man? You're settling and you deserve better." I believe that to this day and don't ever want to be with someone who I don't find attractive. 

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

With respect I can relate heavily to all of this because it describes me to about 90% accuracy. I have gone through years of dating misery if there is wisdom I can give you, its to not become consumed and to TRY to not look back retrospectively, you made the decisions you made and they cannot be changed, would things have been different but you do not know if they would have been better. You need to try not let a lack of dating success taint your life as a whole because if this battle is lost, trust me you will go to a very dark unpleasant place, I know this because I am in that place more often than not.

Keep you mind open and keep your eyes open, your spirits high and keep moving forward with a degree of optimism, this is what I would have told myself when I was 34yo and had I had the benefit of hindsight.

Yes, you will feel like throwing everything in the metaphorical bin but DO NOT do this. OLD is nothing more than an online store and as such cannot be taken seriously, irrespective how many subscriptions you have, how many photos you have and crucially it does not matter how intelligent you portray yourself in your bio. You need be confident in who you are and NEVER tie that confidence to dating success, again a less I would have told my less damaged self at your age.

 

 

It's good to hear from someone who has suffered through what I'm going through. I do understand what you're saying with respect to this leading to a dark place. I feel it and can see being perpetually stuck like this, only leading to a downward spiral. Thank you for sharing this advice, I really appreciate it.

I know I need to expand my social circle and get new friends since that seems like it's the predominant way people are still meeting but that is a whole entire area to navigate on it's own and I feel like it's much in the same way as dating. People have their social circles already established so letting in some random guy as a friend seems like it would be odd.

Edited February 21 by seamusharper

[FredEire]

31 minutes ago, seamusharper said:

Thanks for chiming in man, I didn't see your posts earlier. Honestly, the only women I've been with were women that I found unattractive. The sex was bad and every time I got home, I looked at myself in the mirror and asked, "WTF are you doing man? You're settling and you deserve better." I believe that to this day and don't ever want to be with someone who I don't find attractive. 

It's good to hear from someone who has suffered through what I'm going through. I do understand what you're saying with respect to this leading to a dark place. I feel it and can see being perpetually stuck like this, only leading to a downward spiral. Thank you for sharing this advice, I really appreciate it.

I know I need to expand my social circle and get new friends since that seems like it's the predominant way people are still meeting but that is a whole entire area to navigate on it's own and I feel like it's much in the same way as dating. People have their social circles already established so letting in some random guy as a friend seems like it would be odd.

So do you think you need work on chatting to women in general? I remember back in my college days I was with a couple of women I found very unattractive, because I was quite drunk and they were a bit pushy/insistent.

As you said it's not worth it, you end up wishing you'd just had a good night's sleep instead. So I vowed after that never to do it again.

Generally attractive women will know they have a lot of options and expect the guy to take the initiative. Do you find you struggle with this and had success only when the girl was taking matters into her own hands?

[seamusharper]

5 minutes ago, FredEire said:

So do you think you need work on chatting to women in general? I remember back in my college days I was with a couple of women I found very unattractive, because I was quite drunk and they were a bit pushy/insistent.

As you said it's not worth it, you end up wishing you'd just had a good night's sleep instead. So I vowed after that never to do it again.

Generally attractive women will know they have a lot of options and expect the guy to take the initiative. Do you find you struggle with this and had success only when the girl was taking matters into her own hands?

I've been out of the dating game for a long time and I definitely need to work on flirting, chatting, etc. I'm not socially awkward by any means and can talk to women but as soon as I get into the mindset of wanting an outcome from a woman (phone number, date, etc) I get in my head a lot and worry about "failure" which only makes the situation worse.

I think that, overall, my communication is fine but my current state of being lonely and basically desperate is really screwing me up and contributing to what I perceive to be not the best interactions with women.

I'm open to getting a dating coach just for the sake of having someone getting me to approach and get back into dating.

[Weezy1973]

6 hours ago, seamusharper said:

I mean you've stated my biggest fear, that I'm just not attractive enough to date how I want…

You’re likely not attractive enough to date young, attractive women, looking for casual fun / sex from online dating. Almost nobody is. While it’s true that 80% of women are only interested in the top 20% of men, most of those women are looking for relationships. When it comes to casual fun / sex, women are even pickier, and attractive young women can be the pickiest because they have endless options.

 

Now in real life things can change because if you have natural charisma, charm, a sense of humour, interesting intellect and most importantly, confidence  (which I sense is lacking given this post), those things can draw a woman to you. But online, none of that really applies. 

[Wiseman2]

Please try not to catastrophize. Coming on way too strong to the woman at the stables was a mistake. Ok. Dust it it off and learn to build rapport with small talk. Skip the dating coaches and flirting tips. 

But going down all sorts of manosphere rabbitholes with incels and PUA thinking isn't going to help. Nor is adopting the mindset of if I'm attracted to them, they're not attracted to me, etc.

Travelling isn't going to help nor is moving. If you can't find someone in a very populous place, it's because of a defeatist attitude. Please don't go there. Try to be a bit patient. 

[basil67]

6 hours ago, seamusharper said:

I mean you've stated my biggest fear, that I'm just not attractive enough to date how I want since the young, attractive girls that I like are going for the best of the best. I know I'm not an unattractive guy, I've gotten attention from attractive women in the past and everyone wonders why I'm single, I think the harsh truth is that given what I'd like now, the reality is it might not be possible. I missed out and that really sucks.

Yeah, I was about to ask if you're punching above your weight.  

And why do you particularly like young attractive girls?  Are you there just for the aesthetic?  Because I can't see what you'd have in common with them anyway

 

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, seamusharper said:

Maybe, who knows. I will say I have tried. I've swiped right on girls that I normally wouldn't go for just because something about them made me want to give it a try and I didn't even match with them so I'm running out of options. 

You've been getting plenty of dates, but you're not feeling a spark with those who are interested in you. Do you have realistic expectations for the type of women you want to date? Have you considered the qualities that those women look for in men, and do you possess any of them? It's only natural to want to date someone who is attractive, but it's important to be realistic. For example, I know that someone like Ryan Guzman would probably never be interested in me, so I'm not holding onto that unrealistic hope.

I think you have two options: either work on yourself to become more appealing to attractive women, or lower your standards.

Becoming wealthy may automatically solve your problem, but that's not the only solution. You could also focus on improving your personality and confidence. I've seen guys successfully approach and attract women who are more attractive than them simply by having a way with words. 

I know you'd love to have an Aston Martin, but if you're working with a Ford Focus budget, it's probably best not to dwell on it too much.

[seamusharper]

I really don't think I'm punching above my weight. The girls I am pursuing really aren't the cream-of-the-crop super models in the slightest. These are your typical above average females which I know doesn't exactly help in terms of describing them but I've seen men far less attractive than me with very attractive women. And I've gotten attention from very attractive women in the past. The blonde I got rejected by a few weeks ago actually asked about me previously when she first saw me so I know these aren't women above my pay grade, looks-wise.

I'm lacking in confidence and self-esteem for sure and that has been my biggest setback. I can't seem to crack that nut and I know I will have little success with women until I solve that. 

[Wiseman2]

Obviously it's silly to try to date women you're not attracted to. So "pay grades" etc is just a fear and objectifying  mindset. Please stop the Mr and Ms America contest in your mind. That's definitely contributing to your anxiety.

There's also no point continuing to"work on yourself'  to be more attractive nor dating unattractive women to "lower your standards". 

Please enlist the help of a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support to help with anxiety and self esteem issues.

[Weezy1973]

37 minutes ago, seamusharper said:

I'm lacking in confidence and self-esteem for sure and that has been my biggest setback. I can't seem to crack that nut and I know I will have little success with women until I solve that. 

100% this. 

[Alpacalia]

38 minutes ago, seamusharper said:

I'm lacking in confidence and self-esteem for sure and that has been my biggest setback. I can't seem to crack that nut and I know I will have little success with women until I solve that. 

For what reason? Women seem to find you attractive and show interest in you, so it doesn't really make sense to say that landing a woman is your "biggest setback." 

[Weezy1973]

54 minutes ago, seamusharper said:

I really don't think I'm punching above my weight.

While you may not be punching above your weight in term of looks, you definitely are in terms of options. As I’ve said a few times, the women you’re attracted to have tons of options when it comes to fun and casual.