For those of you using dating apps, how are you getting dates?

[seamusharper]

I've been on three dating apps (Hinge, Coffee Bagel, Tinder) for over a month now (subscription). I've sunk probably several hours into them and can't get a single date.

In total, I've had two conversations, both ghosted after a few messages. I've gotten several matches but other than the two conversations, the rest don't reply despite them matching with me first.

I've tried many different picture combinations, changed my prompts many times, etc. Nothing works.

I was online/app dating in 2014/15 and got so many dates with lackluster photos and almost no thought to my profile. Now it's impossible even though I've got better photos and I'm actually putting effort into my profile. On every metric, I'm a far more attractive man than I was 10 years ago and I'm having no success with online dating.

Clearly there are people who are having success while the vast majority are not. Who are these successful people and what is it that you all are doing to actually get dates off these apps?

Edited February 20, 2024 by seamusharper

[ZA Dater]

56 minutes ago, seamusharper said:

I've been on three dating apps (Hinge, Coffee Bagel, Tinder) for over a month now (subscription). I've sunk probably several hours into them and can't get a single date.

In total, I've had two conversations, both ghosted after a few messages. I've gotten several matches but other than the two conversations, the rest don't reply despite them matching with me first.

I've tried many different picture combinations, changed my prompts many times, etc. Nothing works.

I was online/app dating in 2014/15 and got so many dates with lackluster photos and almost no thought to my profile. Now it's impossible even though I've got better photos and I'm actually putting effort into my profile. On every metric, I'm a far more attractive man than I was 10 years ago and I'm having no success with online dating.

Clearly there are people who are having success while the vast majority are not. Who are these successful people and what is it that you all are doing to actually get dates off these apps?

Very good question! I have been on dating apps for 10 years odd and have the same experience you are currently having. I think its worth knowing that its impossible to know how many people are actually seeing your profile to begin with hence perhaps a lack of matches. I have found with Tinder you really need to spend time on it on a daily basis to get matches, though these were people who liked me rather than mutual likes.

I think the problem is an over saturation of choice, I know people who do really well on apps and get dates easily but again they would also get dates easily if they were not on apps. 

Here is something that may make you feel better, at least in part, I know someone, very successful, ticks all the boxes, no kids, established job, highly intelligent, athletic physique and she battles to get dates on dating sites. Though she does have plenty of choice.

My advice to you is to NOT be consumed by a lack of success on dating apps, trust me on this, its terrible to be consumed, rather refocus and maybe give them a break for a while.  

[Foxhall]

I had a conversation last week with what I am sure many would agree is a very attractive lady (just long -time friends from my viewpoint) 

but what interested me was that she even finds it hard to get dates on dating apps and even gets plenty of rejections (swiping the wrong way or whatever it is)

so maybe dont take it personally-just the nature of the game

 

[FredEire]

4 hours ago, seamusharper said:

I've been on three dating apps (Hinge, Coffee Bagel, Tinder) for over a month now (subscription). I've sunk probably several hours into them and can't get a single date.

In total, I've had two conversations, both ghosted after a few messages. I've gotten several matches but other than the two conversations, the rest don't reply despite them matching with me first.

I've tried many different picture combinations, changed my prompts many times, etc. Nothing works.

I was online/app dating in 2014/15 and got so many dates with lackluster photos and almost no thought to my profile. Now it's impossible even though I've got better photos and I'm actually putting effort into my profile. On every metric, I'm a far more attractive man than I was 10 years ago and I'm having no success with online dating.

Clearly there are people who are having success while the vast majority are not. Who are these successful people and what is it that you all are doing to actually get dates off these apps?

So in my experience having a good amount of success there's a few things to keep in mind:

- Have a good shot of just yourself as the first picture, ideally out and about doing something. Avoid dimly lit selfies

- Have pictures doing activities/with your friends among photos

- For messaging never open with "hi", use a funny line or something more creative

- Have a little bit of back and forth but suggest some reason to meet up for a coffee/drink quickly. Mindless online chat with a stranger isn't going to appeal to most people long.

- Above all keep in playful and try and find common interests. Dry boring conversation is what gets you ghosted

Good luck!

[Wiseman2]

Why even bother with Tinder?

60% of Tinder’s users are under 35 years old

Three quarters of Tinder’s users are male

[FredEire]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why even bother with Tinder?

60% of Tinder’s users are under 35 years old

Three quarters of Tinder’s users are male

Op's profile says they are in that age bracket.

If you're a younger person especially late 20s/early 30s I'd say it's a good bet. If you're a bit older I'd agree look at other options.

[Weezy1973]

33 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

but what interested me was that she even finds it hard to get dates on dating apps and even gets plenty of rejections…

 

One of the reasons people struggle is something called “aspirational dating” which is the tendency for people to feel the most attraction towards folks that are somewhat more attractive than themselves. So if you’re a “5”, you’re going to focus most of your attention on people that are “6s” and “7s”. But those people will be focusing their attention on the “8s” and “9s”. And nobody is interested in somebody less attractive than themselves. 
 

Which in turn leads to the matching phenomenon, which is the tendency for long term couples to match in terms of attractiveness. 

[FredEire]

Just now, Weezy1973 said:

One of the reasons people struggle is something called “aspirational dating” which is the tendency for people to feel the most attraction towards folks that are somewhat more attractive than themselves. So if you’re a “5”, you’re going to focus most of your attention on people that are “6s” and “7s”. But those people will be focusing their attention on the “8s” and “9s”. And nobody is interested in somebody less attractive than themselves. 
 

Which in turn leads to the matching phenomenon, which is the tendency for long term couples to match in terms of attractiveness. 

Yeah I think this is a problem mostly caused by apps and social media, distortions in self perception and also perception of others.

Real life always wins over apps, especially because you can be sure there's some level of attraction there before you have your first date. There's a certain level of people also who just look for contacts/friends and aren't always into dating.

But the best way is just try and find out for yourself. Worst case usually you'll end up having a pleasant meal/coffee that just doesn't end up leading to anything more.

Never overthink and never take it personally, that's been my key to using dating apps. You shouldnt worry about the initial "fun" stage of relationships, long term serious stuff is stressful enough so save your overthinking for that.

[Wiseman2]

Tinder is 75% male. Hinge is 60% male and only coffee meets bagels is over more than half female. Please do some research and reviews to see what's a good fit for your demographics and area.

Personally I don't buy into the "hypergamy" manosphere philosophy that everyone is looking for a 10. With that mindset and being on predominantly male apps, it's going to be a frustrating ride. 

[FredEire]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Tinder is 75% male. Hinge is 60% male and only coffee meets bagels is over more than half female. Please do some research and reviews to see what's a good fit for your demographics and area.

Personally I don't buy into the "hypergamy" manosphere philosophy that everyone is looking for a 10. With that mindset and being on predominantly male apps, it's going to be a frustrating ride. 

There's definitely some weird beliefs pervading male society about having to find a 10 who's also never been with anyone while sleeping with hundreds of women yourself.

That's going to be frustrating whether you're on apps or not. The key is being open to dating people who are equally physically attractive or a little bit less and accepting that everyone is going to have a sexual/dating history.

[Weezy1973]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Personally I don't buy into the "hypergamy"…

Hypergamy refers to the tendency for women to be attracted to men that are equal or greater than themselves in terms of education and career / income. Not all women of course,  just on average. 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

There's definitely some weird beliefs pervading male society about having to find a 10 who's also never been with anyone while sleeping with hundreds of women yourself.

That's going to be frustrating whether you're on apps or not. The key is being open to dating people who are equally physically attractive or a little bit less and accepting that everyone is going to have a sexual/dating history.

In terms of dating apps how in the context of the OP questions of getting dates do you define the bold? Or does this mean go out with anyone who swipes right?  Do you then look at those people and then determine their attractive is your attractive level? 

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

One of the reasons people struggle is something called “aspirational dating” which is the tendency for people to feel the most attraction towards folks that are somewhat more attractive than themselves. So if you’re a “5”, you’re going to focus most of your attention on people that are “6s” and “7s”. But those people will be focusing their attention on the “8s” and “9s”. And nobody is interested in somebody less attractive than themselves. 
 

Which in turn leads to the matching phenomenon, which is the tendency for long term couples to match in terms of attractiveness. 

This assumes people know their own attractiveness level and how they determine that. The only real way to get dates on OLD is to absolutely play up to create the most appealing profile, if you have an ugly face, try hide it to some degree, what is cringe is to include friends in pictures, I would not do that ever. Paint the best picture possible but really do not stand out too much from the norm because people do not seem to like that too much.

Instill some sense a fun from your profile while subtly hinting "I can offer you this". Ultimately what OLD is, is an advertisement for yourself and why someone should pick you rather than someone else. 

OP I would not get too focused on OLD, try work the system as best you can but do not put too much weight on a positive result.

[Sony12]

People are still regularly talking and meeting over apps. I seldom have trouble finding new people to talk to. For those that do get a lot of attention the apps are fun.

Unfortunately though most people are trying to talk to the same exact users which is why some get lots of attention while others get little. Unfortunately it usually just comes down to looks and personality. The people that are good looking and know how to flirt well are usually the ones that attract the majority of the attention.

For those that do struggle to get attention finding a different avenue to meet people would probably be best for them.

[seamusharper]

5 hours ago, FredEire said:

So in my experience having a good amount of success there's a few things to keep in mind:

- Have a good shot of just yourself as the first picture, ideally out and about doing something. Avoid dimly lit selfies

- Have pictures doing activities/with your friends among photos

- For messaging never open with "hi", use a funny line or something more creative

- Have a little bit of back and forth but suggest some reason to meet up for a coffee/drink quickly. Mindless online chat with a stranger isn't going to appeal to most people long.

- Above all keep in playful and try and find common interests. Dry boring conversation is what gets you ghosted

Good luck!

Fred, this is my profile to the tee. I've got a professional headshot as my first photo and I've got photos of me doing awesome things like horseback riding, snowboarding, flying vintage airplanes, etc.

I've never opened with just a "Hi", I alwasys try to go for something funny or ask a question about something specific about their profile.

I'd love some back and forth if I can even get a match and have someone actually willing to conversate.

I'm definitely not going for a 10, and like I said before, sometimes I get attractive girls liking my profile but they never converse after I send them a message.

@Sony12 So then it's essentially all the super good-looking guys that are getting the vast majority of the women on these apps? Are there really that many of these guys floating around? I would say I'm at least above-average and had lots of success on the apps years ago. At the very least I should be getting lots of attention from average women, I can barely get any matches from anyone relative to the amount of time I'm spending on these apps.

Edited February 20, 2024 by seamusharper

[Wiseman2]

If you have trusted female friends and family, perhaps get their take on your profile. Maybe they can notice things from the outside looking in. It may seem like a good idea to put up showy pics, but that too can backfire. 

[FredEire]

59 minutes ago, seamusharper said:

Fred, this is my profile to the tee. I've got a professional headshot as my first photo and I've got photos of me doing awesome things like horseback riding, snowboarding, flying vintage airplanes, etc.

I've never opened with just a "Hi", I alwasys try to go for something funny or ask a question about something specific about their profile.

I'd love some back and forth if I can even get a match and have someone actually willing to conversate.

I'm definitely not going for a 10, and like I said before, sometimes I get attractive girls liking my profile but they never converse after I send them a message.

@Sony12 So then it's essentially all the super good-looking guys that are getting the vast majority of the women on these apps? Are there really that many of these guys floating around? I would say I'm at least above-average and had lots of success on the apps years ago. At the very least I should be getting lots of attention from average women, I can barely get any matches from anyone relative to the amount of time I'm spending on these apps.

They say something like the top 80% of women only go for the top 20% of men these days, on a purely superficial level. So essentially that small section of men and a lot of women become more and more promiscuous while the rest will struggle to get a date.

It depends a lot also on location. I used to live in the south of Spain where Tinder/Bumble etc aren't used that much and the women tend to be into local guys or darker skinned Italian types rather than typical "gringos" which I definitely am haha, so I didn't have many matches there apart from tourists passing through.

I don't know, it may be somewhat an age thing as well. I suddenly started getting a lot more matches when I turned 30 which was a shock as I expected the opposite. I think a lot of girls in their mid 20s are looking for a slightly older guy while girls in their 30s don't want someone who's too immature. There's a lot of factors at play.

[seamusharper]

8 minutes ago, FredEire said:

They say something like the top 80% of women only go for the top 20% of men these days, on a purely superficial level. So essentially that small section of men and a lot of women become more and more promiscuous while the rest will struggle to get a date.

It depends a lot also on location. I used to live in the south of Spain where Tinder/Bumble etc aren't used that much and the women tend to be into local guys or darker skinned Italian types rather than typical "gringos" which I definitely am haha, so I didn't have many matches there apart from tourists passing through.

I don't know, it may be somewhat an age thing as well. I suddenly started getting a lot more matches when I turned 30 which was a shock as I expected the opposite. I think a lot of girls in their mid 20s are looking for a slightly older guy while girls in their 30s don't want someone who's too immature. There's a lot of factors at play.

I'm in Los Angeles, no clue which app is best for here. I have heard of that statistic and I get it, I'd just like to see these guys. Are they really all supermodels or are their pictures all full of yachts and Rolexes? 

I'm nearly 34 so I was expecting to experience the phenomenon you're experiencing, of getting girls in their mid 20s which is what I'm after but it's not panning out that way, frustratingly.

[FredEire]

57 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you have trusted female friends and family, perhaps get their take on your profile. Maybe they can notice things from the outside looking in. It may seem like a good idea to put up showy pics, but that too can backfire. 

Agree with this, I've had friends say their profile is great and they don't know why they're getting no matches, upon looking at their profile I feel like I'm looking at some sort of Ted Bundy/Jeffrey Dahmer type character. Secondary impartial opinions count for a lot.

[FredEire]

6 minutes ago, seamusharper said:

I'm in Los Angeles, no clue which app is best for here. I have heard of that statistic and I get it, I'd just like to see these guys. Are they really all supermodels or are their pictures all full of yachts and Rolexes? 

I'm nearly 34 so I was expecting to experience the phenomenon you're experiencing, of getting girls in their mid 20s which is what I'm after but it's not panning out that way, frustratingly.

Yeah, I'd imagine there's a lot of diversity in LA, probably a kind of surfer/beach guy and/or more artistic type might get more matches. I don't think you have to be a baller but looking like a fun, social guy with hobbies is a big plus.

[seamusharper]

I'll see if I can ask some of my female friends to take a look at my profile.

My profile definitely showcases hobbies, although mostly outdoor stuff.

[Weezy1973]

I’d also get rid of the professional  photo. just use your best “natural” photo as your profile pic. You can also try rotating pics as your main profile pic.
 

What are you looking for from dating? Casual? Relationship? Marriage and kids? I think being clear on your own objective can help you tailor your profile. Also expanding the age range to include women your own age would probably garner more interest, especially if you’re looking for something long term. 

[Sony12]

17 minutes ago, seamusharper said:

I'm in Los Angeles, no clue which app is best for here. I have heard of that statistic and I get it, I'd just like to see these guys. Are they really all supermodels or are their pictures all full of yachts and Rolexes? 

I'm nearly 34 so I was expecting to experience the phenomenon you're experiencing, of getting girls in their mid 20s which is what I'm after but it's not panning out that way, frustratingly.

 

What age range are you mainly trying to contact. Are the majority of them women in their 20's? Keep in mind that 20 something year old ladies in a population center like L.A are probably going to get a hundred or more new people trying to contact them every single day. They will have more messages than most of them will care to deal with and most of them probably won't even look at the majority of their messages.

And honestly based on the type of photos you said you have you might be putting just a little too much effort into it. Most young women will simply have photos of themselves out on the town and will probably be a little more prone to talking to guys who have similar photos and interests as they do.

A lot of young ladies aren't really looking for anything serious. A lot of them have young kids at home and getting into a relationship isn't a real high priority for them (and if they are they probably will be looking at guys with the best jobs).

Many women on these sites just want to find a fun guy to talk to who they may or may not meet. Men that seem to be taking the process really seriously often intimidates them a bit.

[Sony12]

Many women on these apps are extremely picky about who they choose to talk to. I talk to a lot of women older than me and many of them just aren't interested at all in men their own age. They are talking to guys 10,20,30 years younger than them and completely ignoring the men in their own age range.

Edited February 20, 2024 by Sony12

[Els]

If it worked for you 10 years ago and not now, the difference is probably your age. You don't say how old you are, but the majority of users of those apps are under 35, and they will usually be filtering out people who are significantly older than them. It doesn't matter how attractive you think you are, if you're not getting past an automated filter.

Depending on your age and locale, there may be better ways to meet age-appropriate women.

Edit: I just saw your comment. You're 34 and you're expecting to date women in their mid 20s and younger...? How exactly did you expect that to work out? I guarantee you that most of them are going to be filtering out anyone above 28 or so. Unless they're looking for a sugar daddy, anyway.

Edited February 20, 2024 by Els