SlimShadysWife Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 2 hours ago, TNMT9 said: I really do appreciate this but I think I have to see this through and don't want to give up on one mistake. He does not want that girl and he wants me. We both want to make it work. I am not sure what the inevitable is here and what you mean. This is your life journey and you have to learn for yourself. Hopefully he changes for the better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TNMT9 Posted January 30 Author Share Posted January 30 You all are making it seem as if people cannot change. I believe anything is possible. And I can agree that this being a girl he dated before does bother me because I did know about her while we were casual, so it does suck that he was in communication. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 3 hours ago, TNMT9 said: don't want to give up on one mistake. What mistake? This was intentional on his part. There was nothing mistaken about his behaviour. 3 hours ago, TNMT9 said: know he loves me otherwise we wouldn't be in a relationship If he loved you, he wouldn't have done this to begin with. 3 hours ago, TNMT9 said: He does not want that girl Then why was he trying to meet her to have sex with her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 12 minutes ago, TNMT9 said: You all are making it seem as if people cannot change. I believe anything is possible. Many of us are twice your age, we know people are born loyal or not. No, most people do not change their core value. You can ask someone to change their habits like please pick up your dirty dishes, please make less noise when you get up but people don't change their core value, liars will remain liars. Good men with good values do not sext with their ex. People with integrity have integrity wall to wall, they have integrity when they're happy and when they're sad or bored. This man does not have integrity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 1 hour ago, TNMT9 said: You all are making it seem as if people cannot change. I believe anything is possible. I do believe that people can change, and I do NOT subscribe to the often quoted phrase "once a cheater always a cheater." I am absolutely certain, however, that change does not happen because somebody happens to get caught doing something wrong. This guy got caught, and he has experienced zero consequences for it. It's not your job to deliver consequences - you are simply doing what you feel like doing. Just like you pressed your FWB, who was contented with that arrangement, into a committed situation with you. You had that feeling that led you to snoop for a reason... In the future, do not expect any FWB who told you outright he wanted nothing more WITH YOU to end up being a good boyfriend. Sorry you're going to have to learn the hard way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TNMT9 Posted January 30 Author Share Posted January 30 Do you all think he is scared to break up with me because of the kids or because I was there for him so he stays out of obligation? Like he can be single and do what he wants instead of being with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 1 minute ago, TNMT9 said: Do you all think he is scared to break up with me because of the kids or because I was there for him so he stays out of obligation? Like he can be single and do what he wants instead of being with me. Why do you think he wants to breakup? Not everyone want the same thing out of a relationship. He gets something out of this, regular sex, companionship when he desires, but he does not want a commitment, he agreed to exclusivity because you pressured him, and now he's showing you he did not want to be exclusive. Let's put aside what he wants and let's concentrate on what YOU want. You want a commitment, you want a loyal man, you want a man you can trust...you have none of that in him. Your choices: A) you stay in this and live in constant worry and doubt B) find yourself a man that wants to fully commit to you. As for him he already has what he wants, he wants the usefulness of a gf and wants cheat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TNMT9 Posted January 31 Author Share Posted January 31 I don't think he wants to break up. I was just saying maybe that's why he stays with me because he is afraid to just leave but you guys say that I provide him with benefits so yeah. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 Obviously he doesn't want to break up. There are people who are prone to cheating; he is probably one of them. I suspect he cheated on his ex wife. When he got involved with you he was trying to keep things casual and not making a commitment but it seems that you talked him into it. You've mentioned that his kids love you and that he's interested in keeping you around for them. Don't you think it's kind of strange for him to be getting his young children involved with a woman he has only been in a serious relationship with for 3 - 4 months? I do. Is there a chance he has trouble dealing with the young children on his own for the weekends he has them, and he wants your help? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TNMT9 Posted January 31 Author Share Posted January 31 3 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: Obviously he doesn't want to break up. There are people who are prone to cheating; he is probably one of them. I suspect he cheated on his ex wife. When he got involved with you he was trying to keep things casual and not making a commitment but it seems that you talked him into it. You've mentioned that his kids love you and that he's interested in keeping you around for them. Don't you think it's kind of strange for him to be getting his young children involved with a woman he has only been in a serious relationship with for 3 - 4 months? I do. Is there a chance he has trouble dealing with the young children on his own for the weekends he has them, and he wants your help? That crossed my mind but it was inevitable I was to meet them since he and I are together on the weekends too, so this is where we are. I can't see him just keeping me around for help. He could get a nanny for that and could afford one if he wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 28 minutes ago, TNMT9 said: . I can't see him just keeping me around for help. He could get a nanny for that and could afford one if he wanted. Well why would he pay for a nanny when he has you? Honestly I am not suggesting that he's "just keeping you around for help." Obviously he liked you enough to have a FWB relationship with you and he even gave monogamy a go because you wanted it. I do believe he cares for you. He's not relationship material for you, though. Just remember the feeling you had that brought you to snoop on his phone. That will be a part of your life as long as you keep going with this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TNMT9 Posted January 31 Author Share Posted January 31 8 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: Well why would he pay for a nanny when he has you? Honestly I am not suggesting that he's "just keeping you around for help." Obviously he liked you enough to have a FWB relationship with you and he even gave monogamy a go because you wanted it. I do believe he cares for you. He's not relationship material for you, though. Just remember the feeling you had that brought you to snoop on his phone. That will be a part of your life as long as you keep going with this guy. Well maybe im not the sharpest tool but you sound like you're contradicting what you're saying. You say he cares about me but he's not relationship material for me. That doesn't make much sense. If he cares for me and he is doing all these things that I want then that shows that I am important to him. Maybe clarify what you mean. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 1 hour ago, TNMT9 said: Well maybe im not the sharpest tool but you sound like you're contradicting what you're saying. You say he cares about me but he's not relationship material for me. That doesn't make much sense. If he cares for me and he is doing all these things that I want then that shows that I am important to him. Maybe clarify what you mean. OK. He enjoys having sex with you and you help him with the kids. He likes you well enough for that. Well enough to keep you around for a FWB. This is a guy who was open about not wanting to be in an exclusive relationship with you. You would have been wise to listen to that. He wasn't able to hold out for more than a handful of months. Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 On 1/29/2024 at 6:48 PM, TNMT9 said: Thank you for your feedback. Do you really think he is on the rebound with me? He has casually dated other people before me not elusively. Why stay with me if he wants to play the field. I'm sorry to ask this but I'm so confused. Why do you believe he's dating you exclusively? Because he said so? You ask why he's staying with you if he wants to play the field. Maybe it's because he wants to have his cake and eat it. Remember: he wanted to keep things casual. It was you who wanted an exclusive relationship. Maybe he just played along because that was the only way of keeping you from leaving. Some people are fundamentally selfish and will do what they need to do to get what they want, even if it hurts you in the big picture. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 3 hours ago, TNMT9 said: I provide him with benefits so yeah. This is it. A lot cheaters have no intention of leaving their primary relationships, exactly for that reason. They want to have their cake and eat it too. A man who has any respect for you would simply not behave this way. I know it's hard to let go of who you thought he was, and the relationship you thought you had. But he is bad news. P,lease look out for yourself and your heart. This man is not good for you, and will almost surely hurt you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 8 hours ago, TNMT9 said: he can be single and do what he wants instead of being with me. Why should he be thinking either/or? He can have both. It's understandable you don't want to let go. You've overinvested a lot of time energy and emotion into this. You seem to want to overlook this transgression as just a mistake because it would be too painful to lose your investment. That's ok. Maybe you'll get over this hurt and be on the alert for next time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 6 hours ago, TNMT9 said: Well maybe im not the sharpest tool but you sound like you're contradicting what you're saying. You say he cares about me but he's not relationship material for me. That doesn't make much sense. If he cares for me and he is doing all these things that I want then that shows that I am important to him. Maybe clarify what you mean. You are just naîve. For you everything is black or white, life is full of different shades. Yes some man can care for a gf and still be disloyal. Caring is not the same as being in love, not the same as being committed. So no, he may care for you but not enough to be loyal to you. Under what circumstances would you sext another man? Can you imagine yourself sending nudes and talking dirty to another man? Of course not because you are in love with your bf and cannot imagine yourself with someone else....your bf don't feel like that toward you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TNMT9 Posted January 31 Author Share Posted January 31 So you are saying he is not in love with me? He only cares for me? Yes, I could not do what he did because I only want him. I didn't put some of the things I saw he texted the other girl because they did hurt. He said things to her like 'i want you and only you' 'it should've been you and me tonight' that she belongs to him. I'm wondering if it's just talk because it doesn't make sense and I know men lie to get what they want. We started off casual as FWB because he was just getting out of a 10 year marriage and he wasn't ready at the time. Maybe he is falling in love with me but wanted to self sabotage because of his growing feelings. I am worried if I'm honest and have been researching dating recently divorced men and it's common for them to go hot and cold, some people say to be patient through the transition. The divorce hasn't been a year but will be this spring. Maybe I need to find a therapist because I feel I'm in a daze. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 (edited) 14 hours ago, TNMT9 said: Do you all think he is scared to break up with me because of the kids or because I was there for him so he stays out of obligation? Like he can be single and do what he wants instead of being with me. He's not scared to break up with you. He doesn't want to break up with you. You make his life easier. He wants that to continue. He also wants to experience "strange" & not be monogamous. He's not there out of obligation. He doesn't feel beholden to him. The effect of your departure on his kids has never crossed his mind. You getting therapy is a good idea. Therapy has helped me so much in my life. 8 hours ago, TNMT9 said: . You say he cares about me but he's not relationship material for me. That doesn't make much sense. If he cares for me and he is doing all these things that I want then that shows that I am important to him. It means you are important to a point but not important enough. He doesn't respect you enough to stop sexting other women. Eventually words & pictures won't do it for him & he will meet with these other women for sex. 6 minutes ago, TNMT9 said: So you are saying he is not in love with me? He only cares for me? We started off casual as FWB because he was just getting out of a 10 year marriage and he wasn't ready at the time. He likes NSA sex. He probably likes you & may even "love" you in some fashion but not enough to want or agree to a full blown commitment where you two are exclusive. He likes having many women or at least is incapable of being faithful to just one (you) at this point. Edited January 31 by d0nnivain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 5 minutes ago, TNMT9 said: have been researching dating recently divorced men and it's common for them to go hot and cold, some people say to be patient through the transition. The divorce hasn't been a year but will be this spring. Maybe I need to find a therapist because I feel I'm in a daze. That's a great idea since your feelings are torn and you're upset. Yes he does show signs of rebounding. Please take it slowly, reflect on your instincts, try not to force fit anything and take care of yourself.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 15 minutes ago, TNMT9 said: So you are saying he is not in love with me? He only cares for me? We are saying this has no bearing on whether he will cheat. Even happily married men cheat. Some people have a character flaw where they need attention outside their relationship. Go read the Infidelity forum to see how many people whose spouse loved them end up being cheated on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 (edited) 33 minutes ago, TNMT9 said: I am worried if I'm honest and have been researching dating recently divorced men and it's common for them to go hot and cold, some people say to be patient through the transition. The divorce hasn't been a year but will be this spring. Maybe I need to find a therapist because I feel I'm in a daze. Did the 'hot and cold' phenomena included sexting and sending nude pictures to other women? No. We're not talking 'hot and cold' in your situation, we're talking lying and disloyalty, being sexual with another woman. You're boyfriend is in a different category here. Seeing a therapist is a good idea. She/he will put the focus on you again, now you're too focused on him and what he wants. We all, at some point in our life, picked the wrong partner for ourselves. It's life. You will learn and grow out of this and you will be just fine. You will move on and make a better choice next time. Do not stay in a relationship with a man that does not honor you!! Edited January 31 by Gaeta Link to post Share on other sites
Author TNMT9 Posted January 31 Author Share Posted January 31 Well I will just go with the flow for now while also seeking to find a therapist. There is not much more I can do but keep and eye out and maybe with therapy I can get the courage to see what I am struggling with. I don't know if I'll follow up often but if life is good or any other thing over the next year, I'll post update. Thank you all. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 Good luck TNMT9 It will take time for all that we said to sink in. And it's ok. Don't hesitate to update, we're here to talk about it with you, while you figure it out. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 (edited) On 1/30/2024 at 10:34 AM, TNMT9 said: He does not want that girl and he wants me. We both want to make it work. If he wanted to make it work with you, he wouldn’t be messaging with another woman. That is not the behavior of a man who is committed to a relationship that he wants to last. On 1/30/2024 at 9:53 AM, TNMT9 said: It's the kids too and I want to make it work. I know he loves me otherwise we wouldn't be in a relationship. Regarding the children, I realize that you have formed an attachment to them but they are not your children. You have known them for a few months. The children will be fine when you end this relationship, they will have the love and support of their mother and father. It doesn’t sound like you are ready to end the relationship yet though… you come up with reason after reason to stay. Edited January 31 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
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