Author TNMT9 Posted January 29 Author Share Posted January 29 5 minutes ago, Gaeta said: There is no sense into this. What you see is what you get, he's a disloyal sneaky liar. May I ask how old you are? and him? Do you live together? I am 30 and he is 33. We don't live together but live very close neighborhoods. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TNMT9 Posted January 29 Author Share Posted January 29 5 minutes ago, SlimShadysWife said: What's your heart saying? What's your mind saying? My heart is saying that I love him and this is a lie and that we could make it work my mind is saying that I'm being stupid thinking this is not really him. I'm feeling so sick by this whole thing. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 2 minutes ago, TNMT9 said: My heart is saying that I love him Love is not reason enough to stay in a relationship with a man that you can not trust. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 9 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Love is not reason enough to stay in a relationship with a man that you can not trust. ETA - It’s also a really weak justification to stay with a man who disrespects you. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 11 minutes ago, TNMT9 said: my mind is saying that I'm being stupid thinking this is not really him Listen to what your mind is telling you. You aren't stupid, but this indeed is really him. He's not who you thought he was. I get you don't want to believe it, but the evidence was there in full view for you. You cannot trust him at all, and he is scoping out other options. Link to post Share on other sites
SlimShadysWife Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 5 minutes ago, TNMT9 said: My heart is saying that I love him and this is a lie and that we could make it work my mind is saying that I'm being stupid thinking this is not really him. I'm feeling so sick by this whole thing. I know it sucks so bad- the denial and delusions get so real even when the proof is in the pudding right infront of our faces. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 10 minutes ago, TNMT9 said: I am 30 and he is 33. We don't live together but live very close neighborhoods. Thank goodness you're not living together. I know it's hard to take it all in and your mind goes back and forth on staying or leaving. I have been in your shoes and I can tell you the trust never comes back completely. From now on all you will experience with him, all the joy and happiness will be stained with what he did and will probably do again. You know that special feeling we have when we love someone? it will never be the same for you - with this man. I am sure he will do it again, but next time he will be smarter at hiding. I am also pretty sure he has online profiles on hookups and dating apps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TNMT9 Posted January 29 Author Share Posted January 29 Thank you all. I will have to sit and think about everything. I have never had this happen before. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 (edited) Do you happen to know anything about why he and his wife divorced, OP? Given his current behaviour and how comfortable he seems being sneaky, I can't help but wonder if he was unfaithful to his wife as well. Edited January 29 by ExpatInItaly 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 You don't live together, you're not engaged or married. It is much easier for you to walk away from this. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 1 hour ago, TNMT9 said: . I will have to sit and think about everything. I have never had this happen before. Yes please take some time out for peaceful reflection and wrapping your mind around this betrayal. It's good you don't live together. This way you can trust your instincts more objectively and do whatever is best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 The man cheated and bold faced lied to you...how can you believe all these excuses? Why is he with you? Because you love him so much you won't leave him. He can continue to give you lies and show no remorse. Now that you know, he's just gonna get another phone like so many cheating men do to hide it better from you. There's a real reason why he's going through a divorce...and I can take a pretty good guess as to why. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TNMT9 Posted January 29 Author Share Posted January 29 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: Do you happen to know anything about why he and his wife divorced, OP? Given his current behaviour and how comfortable he seems being sneaky, I can't help but wonder if he was unfaithful to his wife as well. It is very specific and so I don't want to post the details here but I'm starting to think now certain things make sense. sigh Link to post Share on other sites
Author TNMT9 Posted January 29 Author Share Posted January 29 10 minutes ago, smackie9 said: The man cheated and bold faced lied to you...how can you believe all these excuses? Why is he with you? Because you love him so much you won't leave him. He can continue to give you lies and show no remorse. Now that you know, he's just gonna get another phone like so many cheating men do to hide it better from you. There's a real reason why he's going through a divorce...and I can take a pretty good guess as to why. He didn't cheat as there was no physical and this is what makes it harder. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 5 minutes ago, TNMT9 said: He didn't cheat as there was no physical and this is what makes it harder. His intention matters here. And his intention was to have sex with someone who isn't you. Also, this might be the only episode you know about. He might always have been sniffing around others or actually hooked up with them. You just happened to catch him this time. 6 minutes ago, TNMT9 said: I'm starting to think now certain things make sense. sigh It would not surprise me, simply based on how bold he was with this other woman and his apparent knowledge of sketchy apps with which to (supposedly) hide his identity. He's versed in this, me thinks. If I were you, I would not only end this relationship but also get myself tested for STIs. You don't know what else this man may have been up to behind your back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 10 minutes ago, TNMT9 said: He didn't cheat as there was no physical and this is what makes it harder. That's what he says. When men do these things they are moments away from cheating. Give them the right opportunity, right time, and they jump the fence. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 3 hours ago, TNMT9 said: Thank you all. I will have to sit and think about everything. Are you deciding whether you are willing to be in an open relationship with this guy? Is that really an option for you? You surely can't trust him to be monogamous with you since you've discovered his extracurricular activities. Can you? You've been "exclusive" (supposedly) since the end of summer. That's in September. So, 3 - 4 months. That is not very long. You can walk away from this situation fairly unscathed. My advice to you for the future: Don't try to morph a "FWB" situation into a formal monogamous relationship. I'm sure it happens to work out from time to time but most people who accept that arrangement with someone really do not have serious feelings for that person and / or they do NOT want to be monogamous at this point of their life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 1 hour ago, TNMT9 said: He didn't cheat as there was no physical and this is what makes it harder. He was cheating emotionally....that's stepping out of your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TNMT9 Posted January 30 Author Share Posted January 30 17 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Are you deciding whether you are willing to be in an open relationship with this guy? Is that really an option for you? You surely can't trust him to be monogamous with you since you've discovered his extracurricular activities. Can you? You've been "exclusive" (supposedly) since the end of summer. That's in September. So, 3 - 4 months. That is not very long. You can walk away from this situation fairly unscathed. My advice to you for the future: Don't try to morph a "FWB" situation into a formal monogamous relationship. I'm sure it happens to work out from time to time but most people who accept that arrangement with someone really do not have serious feelings for that person and / or they do NOT want to be monogamous at this point of their life. Thank you. I understand the tough advice. I've known him a year now but exclusive 6 months. It's the kids too and I want to make it work. I know he loves me otherwise we wouldn't be in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 (edited) 30 minutes ago, TNMT9 said: Thank you. I understand the tough advice. I've known him a year now but exclusive 6 months. It's the kids too and I want to make it work. I know he loves me otherwise we wouldn't be in a relationship. Love is not enough, it's never been. You need loyalty, respect, consideration. Like I said in one of my earlier posts, he may love you in his dysfunctional way but what if he can never be loyal to you? Is that the type of love you want? Is that the type of relationship you want? to be constantly worried and randomly always finding secrets? A year is nothing, it's a drop in the ocean in your life. You may love the children and they love you back but this will not work without his express loyalty to you. And finally, yes you want to make it work but it takes 2 to make it work. If you stay you will only delay the inevitable. Save yourself more pain, save those children from becoming even more attached to you. HE is the father of these children and he had no hesitation to put your relationship at risk and have you leave him and them. Edited January 30 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TNMT9 Posted January 30 Author Share Posted January 30 9 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Love is not enough, it's never been. You need loyalty, respect, consideration. Like I said in one of my earlier posts, he may love you in his dysfunctional way but what if he can never be loyal to you? Is that the type of love you want? Is that the type of relationship you want? to be constantly worried and randomly always finding secrets? A year is nothing, it's a drop in the ocean in your life. You may love the children and they love you back but this will not work without his express loyalty to you. And finally, yes you want to make it work but it takes 2 to make it work. If you stay you will only delay the inevitable. Save yourself more pain, save those children from becoming even more attached to you. HE is the father of these children and he had no hesitation to put your relationship at risk and have you leave him and them. I really do appreciate this but I think I have to see this through and don't want to give up on one mistake. He does not want that girl and he wants me. We both want to make it work. I am not sure what the inevitable is here and what you mean. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 4 minutes ago, TNMT9 said: I am not sure what the inevitable is here and what you mean. The inevitable is: he will do it again. I understand you need to see this through, I hope you won't give him more than this 1 chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TNMT9 Posted January 30 Author Share Posted January 30 (edited) Yes. I will keep an eye out if this happens again. Edited January 30 by TNMT9 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 (edited) 1 hour ago, TNMT9 said: I know he loves me otherwise we wouldn't be in a relationship. I bet that 9 out of 10 people who are in relationships and are cheating still say "But I love you" to the person they're cheating on. You just have to decide whether this is acceptable to you or not. Counting on him changing his ways is not realistic. You do need to keep in mind that he did not want "something more" with you for the major part of your association with each other, and he had reasons for it - probably mostly based on wishing to be free to have sexual interactions with other people as well as with you. I'm sorry that you haven't had enough of him showing you what he values. Unless of course you are willing to be in an open relationship. That might work okay. Edited January 30 by NuevoYorko Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 1 hour ago, TNMT9 said: He does not want that girl and he wants me. Are you more concerned that he wants you versus her? It seems like you're focusing more on his feelings for this other girl rather than the fact that he was actively pursuing and exchanging nudes with her while in a committed relationship with you. His feelings for either of you don't really matter if he was betraying your trust and potentially cheating on you. Link to post Share on other sites
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