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Hi all- So some background, I've been exclusive with my boyfriend since late last summer. We started dating while he was waiting on his divorce to be finalized back at the end of June 2023. I was not the cause of his divorced, we met while he was waiting for it to be finalized. We were just casual at first and because he was going through a lot he wasn't looking for anything serious. He has two younger children which he gets on the weekends. After he divorced we continued a casual relationship but I wanted more. At first he didn't want anything serious with me but later on we decided to make it exclusive.

He was in the shower and I had this feeling to snoop, I know I know.

This is where it gets weird. I saw a notification on one of those second number apps and was texting a girl, for some weeks on and off and there were exchange of nudes. From how it looks, he reached out saying that he really missed the heck out of her but then it got weird because she asked him who he was. I'm guessing she didn't recognize his number since he was using some weird app. He lied and said some other name and she said she didnt know that person. Eventually he let it be known it was him and thats when they started sexting heavily.

In some of the sessions he told her that she's special and he only wants her. Saying things like he likes her and she is exactly like him, "we are the same" and are in different bodies and she understands that him, they get each other. At one point they plan to meet up and have sex but she cancelled on him or something. I immediately felt sick after reading all of this and I was enraged.

I ended up confronting him about this and he says that she is someone he did talk to while dating me but he'd cut things off with her when we became official. He said they only hooked up twice and there is nothing there, it would never work with her. He said he even blocked her as soon as went official and don't know why he did this. He said he had a weak moment and even showed me that she was blocked. But she was blocked on his regular number and why did he even make this second number. He said he was just bored and it means nothing.

A few weeks had passed and I heard him on the phone and got paranoid. He did say that she tried to contact him but he told her to move on and that he's done with her. He even showed me his phone and app was deleted. I was really there for him during his divorce and he was a mess. I don't know what to do because I really love him and I'm torn.

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27 minutes ago, TNMT9 said:

 he was going through a lot he wasn't looking for anything serious. 

 Eventually he let it be known it was him and thats when they started sexting heavily.

Sorry this is happening. Please consider cutting your losses and setting yourself free. 

Unfortunately he's on the rebound and not really for a relationship. Please spare yourself the headaches and heartaches from a man who just wants to play the field post divorce. 

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30 minutes ago, TNMT9 said:

I was really there for him during his divorce and he was a mess.

I am sorry for your hurt. 

Now let me give you a bit of tough love.

This is what women get for dating men just out of a marriage. You never EVER date a man that has just divorce or separated. They will use you as a balm on their wounds and then they'll discard you like you were never there for them. 

There is only one thing left for you to do, it's to breakup and to move on to a better man. The trust a broken, he's still lying through his teeth, he's not worth your tears. 

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14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Please consider cutting your losses and setting yourself free. 

Unfortunately he's on the rebound and not really for a relationship. Please spare yourself the headaches and heartaches from a man who just wants to play the field post divorce. 

Thank you for your feedback. Do you really think he is on the rebound with me? He has casually dated other people before me not elusively. Why stay with me if he wants to play the field. I'm sorry to ask this but I'm so confused.

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10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am sorry for your hurt. 

Now let me give you a bit of tough love.

This is what women get for dating men just out of a marriage. You never EVER date a man that has just divorce or separated. They will use you as a balm on their wounds and then they'll discard you like you were never there for them. 

There is only one thing left for you to do, it's to breakup and to move on to a better man. The trust a broken, he's still lying through his teeth, he's not worth your tears. 

I didn't know about this with divorced people. He sounded ready to settle down with me. He says he wants to be with me and the other girl was just a bored mistake. I just don't understand why not break up with me if he wants to discard me.

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3 minutes ago, TNMT9 said:

. Why stay with me if he wants to play the field. 

Please consider your own feelings and trust your instincts. He seems to want a security blanket while he's a kid in a candy store tasting the goodies. Unfortunately he is more interested in his personal pleasure and comfort than your feelings...

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Alpacalia

See, you shouldn't need to cut anybody off before becoming "official" because a mature adult should know who to give their commitment to instead of playing around with several women. It's the reddest of a flag you will get right here. Apart from seemingly like he was having a side girl, I don't know a whole group of men who exchange nude pics while waiting to get "official" with whoever they're dating. I'm sorry this happened to you. This is a common manipulation technique some men try to employ when someone catches them. They try to turn it around and try to blame the person who caught them.

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20 minutes ago, TNMT9 said:

I didn't know about this with divorced people. He sounded ready to settle down with me. He says he wants to be with me and the other girl was just a bored mistake. I just don't understand why not break up with me if he wants to discard me.

They all say that. No player will tell you the truth, which is they're playing around and they'll keep you until someone/something better comes along. NO man in love and wanting to build a life with a woman goes around and sext, none!

If you are new to dating you are in for a huge surprise. You have to be aware of all the dating-games out there. A man that really wants to be with you will not go on for months before being exclusive, a man that says he wants to take things slow is only going to waste your time, it means he wants the warmth and support of a woman but he does not want to commit to her. He will never commit to her, she's simply not the one.

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d0nnivain

He wants both.  He wants you but he also wants to play the field.  

If he was bored he could have watched a movie, gone for a walk / run or to the gym, called a friend, surfed the internet etc.  He did not have to chose to set up another phone # & sext an old fling.  That was a deliberate uncool choice on his part.   If it meant nothing, why go through all that trouble & send nudes.  

I don't think he's trustworthy.  What you do next is entirely up to you but I couldn't live in a constant state of worry.  

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17 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

They all say that. No player will tell you the truth, which is they're playing around and they'll keep you until someone/something better comes along. NO man in love and wanting to build a life with a woman goes around and sext, none!

If you are new to dating you are in for a huge surprise. You have to be aware of all the dating-games out there. A man that really wants to be with you will not go on for months before being exclusive, a man that says he wants to take things slow is only going to waste your time, it means he wants the warmth and support of a woman but he does not want to commit to her. He will never commit to her, she's simply not the one.

Thank you for giving me that view. So you are saying it is only a matter of time before he leaves me for someone else and that he doesn't love me?

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

He wants both.  He wants you but he also wants to play the field.  

If he was bored he could have watched a movie, gone for a walk / run or to the gym, called a friend, surfed the internet etc.  He did not have to chose to set up another phone # & sext an old fling.  That was a deliberate uncool choice on his part.   If it meant nothing, why go through all that trouble & send nudes.  

I don't think he's trustworthy.  What you do next is entirely up to you but I couldn't live in a constant state of worry.  

Are you saying he wants me and the other girl. Does he like her? Is there something wrong with our relationship you think? We have a very active sex life.

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He did block the other girl and did say this was a mistake and he told her to move on and he told me he does value me and that I was there for him when he was going through a difficult time in his life and his children adore me.

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d0nnivain
7 minutes ago, TNMT9 said:

Are you saying he wants me and the other girl. Does he like her? Is there something wrong with our relationship you think? We have a very active sex life.

Yes.  He wants the stability of having you as a wonderful partner but there's something very attractive about the freedom to do whatever/ whomever.   It's not about you or how active you two are.  It's about him fearing commitment after the demise of his marriage.  

If he has blocked her & told her to move on . . . maybe this was a one off.    Keep your eyes open.  

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Alpacalia
26 minutes ago, TNMT9 said:

He did block the other girl and did say this was a mistake and he told her to move on and he told me he does value me and that I was there for him when he was going through a difficult time in his life and his children adore me.

He did that only because you caught his hand in the cookie jar. I would quietly be planning my exit if I were you. But that is up to you of course.

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22 minutes ago, TNMT9 said:

Thank you for giving me that view. So you are saying it is only a matter of time before he leaves me for someone else and that he doesn't love me?

Are you saying he wants me and the other girl. Does he like her? Is there something wrong with our relationship you think? We have a very active sex life.

First: This happened to me years ago. He promised I was the one, that he loved me and begged me to not throw away what we had etc etc. I believed him and we ended up buying a house together and soon after I discovered he was at it again. He had secret communications and when I dig into it he was also cheating with different women. I wasted 4 years of my life on this man. How many years do you have to waste on the wrong man?

Same thing happened to one of my best friends. She discovered he was sexting women, he blocked the women, they went on with their life and also bough a house and she wasted 6 years of her life checking his phone and always finding new women he was sexting with.

These men don't change. 

Now, he says he loves you....so what? Maybe he does love you but he's incapable of being faithful to a woman, does that make it ok for you? just because he says he loves you?

And of course he likes these women! That's why he sext them. It has nothing to do with  your sex life and how great you're in bed, it's all about him and not being able to be fully loyal. 

 

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NuevoYorko
1 hour ago, TNMT9 said:

Thank you for your feedback. Do you really think he is on the rebound with me? He has casually dated other people before me not elusively. Why stay with me if he wants to play the field. 

In your OP you mentioned at least twice that he was not "looking for anything serious" with you.  You were,  though.

Your first big mistake was not hearing him tell you outright that he was not looking for the same thing you were. Evidently he started to become attached to you, or maybe your "love goggles' or whatever got too powerful so you allowed your "hopes and dreams" to overtake the reality:  that he was, and is not ready to be in a relationship like the one you want to have.

His actions are proving this.   Evidently he feels conflicted, but he's messing around and not behaving like someone committed to building a solid relationship with you.

Move on.

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Alpacalia

@NuevoYorkomakes a good point, he did tell you that he doesn't want anything serious with you. Unfortunately, we often hear what we want to hear and ignore the rest. Even if he didn't want anything serious with you he could have done the right thing by you and not crossed the line with the other girl nor committed to being exclusive with you. The reality is he did.

The trust and sincerity of the relationship is lost, regardless of where you go with it. Those two years worth of trust just vanished, so yes in human terms, it is not a crime but it is a big stab to your trust.

Relationships bring peace and comfort, which makes one feel happy and loved but how can you be happy when you do not trust the other person? There will be trail of suspicion and doubts reappearing every time.

This is the real question then, are you willing to date someone who you do not trust? Some may say that trust and love go hand in hand, but it's up to you if you agree with that. No one can tell you what to do, or if you should dump him or not. It's up to you and your own values...

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2 hours ago, TNMT9 said:

I was really there for him during his divorce and he was a mess. I don't know what to do because I really love him and I'm torn.

Reality check - you have known this man for the same number of months that can fit on both hands. This is neither a deep or committed relationship.

You don’t love him so much that you can’t make a different decision for yourself. In fact, I would say that you are still in the get to know you you phase if this relationship and what you have learned about this man is concerning, to say the least. 

Things here are complicated - divorce not finalized, coparenting young children - and there are WAY too many women circling… I would run, don’t walk, away from this relationship. 

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2 hours ago, TNMT9 said:

I didn't know about this with divorced people. He sounded ready to settle down with me. He says he wants to be with me and the other girl was just a bored mistake.

He also told the woman he is sexting with that she is “exactly like him, we and are in different bodies and she understands that him, they get each other.”

That’s a conundrum - this man is telling two women that they are the love of his life - while he is married to yet another woman… That’s quite a quandary… What to believe… my take away would be that this is not a man to be trusted.

Edited by BaileyB
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3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Reality check - you have known this man for the same number of months that can fit on both hands. This is neither a deep or committed relationship.

You don’t love him so much that you can’t make a different decision for yourself. In fact, I would say that you are still in the get to know you you phase if this relationship and what you have learned about this man is concerning, to say the least. 

Things here are complicated - divorce not finalized, coparenting young children - and there are WAY too many women circling… I would run, don’t walk, away from this relationship. 

Thank you. I met him last January (2023). His was seperated from ex wife the summer before and got divorce finalized June 2023. We made it official end of last summer. We have been exclusive (bf/gf) since then. We started off as a casual friends with benefits. So I get there were other women because we were not serious. He was texting someone he used to see the same time as me.

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SlimShadysWife
1 hour ago, TNMT9 said:

He did block the other girl and did say this was a mistake and he told her to move on and he told me he does value me and that I was there for him when he was going through a difficult time in his life and his children adore me.

You were there for him and his kids adores you, so in return he contacts his ex and tells HER she's special. Girl wake up. He doesn't value you he is just keeping you around for his own benefits.

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ExpatInItaly

This is what he does when he is "bored"?

Oh, honey. Hell no. I would have shown him the door for thinking I was dim or desperate enough to buy that, and I'd have let the door hit him on the way out for being deceptive and completely disrespecting the relationship. 

2 hours ago, TNMT9 said:

I saw a notification on one of those second number apps

You know what this tells me? He is not an inexperienced cheater. This is not his first foray into infidelity. He know the tricks of the trade a little too well. 

1 hour ago, TNMT9 said:

Is there something wrong with our relationship you think?

Yes - you are committed, and he is not. Whether or not you decide to give him another chance (though I would strongly advise against it), he is eventually going to bail. He doesn't feel the way about you that you do about him. 

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5 minutes ago, TNMT9 said:

Thank you. I met him last January (2023). His was seperated from ex wife the summer before and got divorce finalized June 2023. We made it official end of last summer. We have been exclusive (bf/gf) since then. We started off as a casual friends with benefits. So I get there were other women because we were not serious. He was texting someone he used to see the same time as me.

I’ve been where you are and i will say from experience, this guy is not ready for another serious relationship - despite what he may have told you…  which was apparently that he was not ready for a serious relationship.  Proceed at your own risk. 

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1 minute ago, SlimShadysWife said:

You were there for him and his kids adores you, so in return he contacts his ex and tells HER she's special. Girl wake up. He doesn't value you he is just keeping you around for his own benefits.

Yeah, I get what you're saying. I don't know why he would say that stuff to an ex casual person who he was never in a relationship with. In my head I feel like he was just saying it because they were sexting. My head and my heart are just so apart and I'm really trying so nothing against you guys, I am just trying to make sense of this and building up courage with myself.

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3 minutes ago, TNMT9 said:

Yeah, I get what you're saying. I don't know why he would say that stuff to an ex casual person who he was never in a relationship with. In my head I feel like he was just saying it because they were sexting. My head and my heart are just so apart and I'm really trying so nothing against you guys, I am just trying to make sense of this and building up courage with myself.

There is no sense into this. What you see is what you get, he's a disloyal sneaky liar. 

May I ask how old you are? and him?

Do you  live together?

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SlimShadysWife
3 minutes ago, TNMT9 said:

Yeah, I get what you're saying. I don't know why he would say that stuff to an ex casual person who he was never in a relationship with. In my head I feel like he was just saying it because they were sexting. My head and my heart are just so apart and I'm really trying so nothing against you guys, I am just trying to make sense of this and building up courage with myself.

What's your heart saying?

What's your mind saying? 

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