BaileyB Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 (edited) 39 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: If my SO was doing this instead of telling me what he requires the marriage was faltering, I'd really be crushed. I too would be crushed. If my husband didn’t even give me the opportunity to work on whatever may/may not be wrong in my marriage, I would be crushed. If he has made a unilateral decision to turn away from me/the marriage without honestly telling me how he is feeling, attempting to get himself some counselling, or allowing us the opportunity to fix whatever may/may not be wrong in the marriage, I would be very hurt. We obviously don’t know the details of your relationship with your wife, but I would like to think that as your chosen life partner and mother of your children, and the fact that you state you are “happily married” to the woman - she deserves more than this… I would also be very angry, which is why I asked the question above - if the roles were reversed, how would you feel/what would you expect from your wife. I don’t know too many men would would find it acceptable if their wives are sexting with another man. I think most would have the expectation that it would not happen/it would stop. If you are not able to stop, which is what I fear that I am reading in the justification in your last comment, I would suggest that you owe your wife the gift of honesty… so that she can make a decision about her marriage and her life with ALL the information. Staying in your marriage and continuing what you have been doing is a very selfish and entitled thing to do. You can’t say that you didn’t know it was wrong, that you didn’t know it would be hurtful to your wife. If you are able to be brutally honest, you would have to simply say - you knew it would be hurtful to your wife and children… and you did it anyway… Edited January 24 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 14 minutes ago, Midas1 said: I do not want to hurt my wife but I could also see her forgiving me (after I grovel back and go through counseling). The affair partner, is a total stranger who lives a plane ride away, not in our community. I know these are all just “justifications” in my simple male mind. I guess it’s a combination of feeling the “naughtiness” of it all and the fact that the sexual tension and types of acts that has been discussed with the AP would never be done with my SO. Is what I’m doing technically an “affair?” I hope you know that your actions, once your wife finds out, and at some point she probably will, is 100% your fault, and you are 100 % responsible for what you have done. As for what to do, it's simple. Don't have the rendezvous. It may be enticing and exciting but it is not worth destroying your marriage and hurting your wife for a moment of pleasure. The impact of your actions will last much longer than a weekend. Your wife deserves better than that and she doesn't deserve to have a life full of continuous negative images of you with another woman and the trauma of going through something like this. Your marriage may seem uneventful or stale at times, but you made a commitment to your wife when you got married. It is cowardly to continue with the rendezvous when you have doubt over it. And the fact that you came here for validation to your morally corrupt actions, means that you know what you are doing is wrong. Have some discipline and end this before real damage is done. Removing the other woman from your life would be the best, but if you cannot bring yourself to do that, set the clear understanding that this "rendezvous" can't happen under any circumstances so you can work on actively trying to fix your marriage before you throw it away. Be there for your wife as her husband and you are suppose to be her best friend. You'd want the same from her if she confessed what you had done is what someone needs to hear when they are incredibly selfish enough to risk their whole family over their desire for adventure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midas1 Posted January 24 Author Share Posted January 24 6 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I too would be crushed. If my husband didn’t even give me the opportunity to work on whatever may/may not be wrong in my marriage, I would be crushed. If he has made a unilateral decision to turn away from me/the marriage without honestly telling me how he is feeling, attempting to get himself some counselling, or allowing us the opportunity to fix whatever may/may not be wrong in the marriage, I would be very hurt. We obviously don’t know the details of your relationship with your wife, but I would like to think that as your chosen life partner and mother of your children, and the fact that you state you are “happily married” to the woman - she deserves more than this… I would also be very angry, which is why I asked the question above - if the roles were reversed, how would you feel/what would you expect from your wife. I don’t know too many men would would find it acceptable if their wives are sexting with another man. I think most would have the expectation that it would not happen/it would stop. If you are not able to stop, which is what I fear that I am reading in the justification in your last comment, I would suggest that you owe your wife the gift of honesty… so that she can make a decision about her marriage and her life with ALL the information. Staying in your marriage and continuing what you have been doing is a very selfish and entitled thing to do. You can’t say that you didn’t know it was wrong, that you didn’t know it would be hurtful to your wife. If you are able to be brutally honest, you would have to simply say - you knew it would be hurtful to your wife and children… and you did it anyway… Thank you for your thoughtful responses. It is clear to me that I have to do the right thing and end this “fantasy.” Is it harder than I thought? Yes. I do have it setup that I could literally fall off the face the earth to the AP if I just chose to delete everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midas1 Posted January 24 Author Share Posted January 24 25 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: I hope you know that your actions, once your wife finds out, and at some point she probably will, is 100% your fault, and you are 100 % responsible for what you have done. As for what to do, it's simple. Don't have the rendezvous. It may be enticing and exciting but it is not worth destroying your marriage and hurting your wife for a moment of pleasure. The impact of your actions will last much longer than a weekend. Your wife deserves better than that and she doesn't deserve to have a life full of continuous negative images of you with another woman and the trauma of going through something like this. Your marriage may seem uneventful or stale at times, but you made a commitment to your wife when you got married. It is cowardly to continue with the rendezvous when you have doubt over it. And the fact that you came here for validation to your morally corrupt actions, means that you know what you are doing is wrong. Have some discipline and end this before real damage is done. Removing the other woman from your life would be the best, but if you cannot bring yourself to do that, set the clear understanding that this "rendezvous" can't happen under any circumstances so you can work on actively trying to fix your marriage before you throw it away. Be there for your wife as her husband and you are suppose to be her best friend. You'd want the same from her if she confessed what you had done is what someone needs to hear when they are incredibly selfish enough to risk their whole family over their desire for adventure. Thank you. I truly appreciate your thoughtful response. You are right. As much as we can get on each others nerves, my wife doesn’t deserve my foolishness. I must do the right thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 42 minutes ago, Midas1 said: It is clear to me that I have to do the right thing and end this “fantasy.” Is it harder than I thought? Yes. You may want to consider individual counselling to try and figure out what lead you to this point… Your wife/marriage are likely not perfect - nobody is - but this is 100% a “you” problem. You are no different than anyone else, life gets routine, we begin to take our marriage for granted, we stop investing and it gets a little stale… we meet a “cute” woman who breathes some fun and excitement back in our lives… that doesn’t mean that you have to act on that impulse. Many people would heed the wake-up call, talk to their partner, reinvest in their marriage, take a second honeymoon, get some counselling… the fact that you chose instead to sext with another woman is a decision that you need to explore and understand - for both you and your marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 17 hours ago, Midas1 said: The rendezvous would be probably the most intense weekend she & I have ever had You are living in Fantasy-Land, man. Maybe she would be disappointed by you in real life. Or maybe you would discover she has terrible breath. Or awful gas. Or simply doesn't perform the way your imangination thinks she does - all talk, no walk. My point is that this "amazing" weekend might turn into a total dumpster fire anyway. Reality may fall far short of the fantasy. Also, no adult woman who is playing with a full deck is going to meet some strange man from the internet for sex. The ones who are okay with that are generally the ones you need to run far and fast from, because their lack of boundaries or basic sense of safety point to deeper issues. I am not even speaking from a moral point of view (regarding casual sex), but basic common sense would tell most women that this is an incredibly unsafe idea. She has no idea who you really are. That does not seem to ring any warning bells for her, but it sure should for you. This chick is...off. You would be insane to risk your marriage for this person (or any person for that matter, but especially one who is showing you several red flags which you are failing to recognize) 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 (edited) 18 hours ago, Midas1 said: I do care about her. She is a great person. Oh my gosh, I didn’t realize that you had never met the woman in person. I assumed incorrectly that it was some kind of an actual meet up group for a specific sport - Not that it changes my advice, it just makes it all the more insane that you would consider meeting this woman. You don’t actually know her!! You don’t know that she is a great person because you’ve never spent time with her in real life… What we know is that she is sexting, making videos, and sending photos to a man that she has never met. I can see what you would find this a huge turn on, but when I read that it seems obvious to me that this is a HUGE red flag! As was said above, smart women don’t do that. It’s a huge safety risk! There is the risk of meeting a man for sex that she has never met before… but, what if you were recording, saving, and distributing her images online - she doesn’t know you aren’t because she has never met you! I once knew a woman who left her husband and two children because she had “fallen in love” with a man that she had met online who lives in another country. Not surprisingly, the relationship didn’t last and she was surprised when she returned home that she was no longer welcome. I suppose that not what you are intending - in your fantasy, you will keep your marriage and just visit the other woman that you met online… But, I would argue that it is no less damaging to your family and you are no less at risk of losing everything you have built… Think very seriously about a woman who would engage in this kind of relationship with a man she has never met. It’s not that because you irrepressibly drawn to each other… it’s because neither of you is thinking clearly and making good decisions here. Edited January 24 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midas1 Posted January 24 Author Share Posted January 24 13 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Oh my gosh, I didn’t realize that you had never met the woman in person. I assumed incorrectly that it was some kind of an actual meet up group for a specific sport - Not that it changes my advice, it just makes it all the more insane that you would consider meeting this woman. You don’t actually know her!! You don’t know that she is a great person because you’ve never spent time with her in real life… What we know is that she is sexting, making videos, and sending photos to a man that she has never met. I can see what you would find this a huge turn on, but when I read that it seems obvious to me that this is a HUGE red flag! As was said above, smart women don’t do that. It’s a huge safety risk! There is the risk of meeting a man for sex that she has never met before… but, what if you were recording, saving, and distributing her images online - she doesn’t know you aren’t because she has never met you! I once knew a woman who left her husband and two children because she had “fallen in love” with a man that she had met online who lives in another country. Not surprisingly, the relationship didn’t last and she was surprised when she returned home that she was no longer welcome. I suppose that not what you are intending - in your fantasy, you will keep your marriage and just visit the other woman that you met online… But, I would argue that it is no less damaging to your family and you are no less at risk of losing everything you have built… Think very seriously about a woman who would engage in this kind of relationship with a man she has never met. It’s not that because you irrepressibly drawn to each other… it’s because neither of you is thinking clearly and making good decisions here. It’s audio recordings not video. She would basically do or say whatever I want her to in these audio messages. She’s too shy to do video (I know you’re gonna say she’s actually a 300lbs dude who lives in his mother’s basement). But yes, I will admit there is some red flags here 😂 speaking to her on the phone and through all of our communications, she really does come off as a cute girl who is very into sports, probably bored, probably lonely, has recently gotten out of a long term relationship. Good job, lives alone in a suburban house with a dog. I’m not making any excuses here (I’ve basically all but ruled out this rendezvous) just some background on her. The rendezvous was my idea. She realizes as well that it’s just a fun “fantasy” and that the likelihood of it actually happening are slim. She by no means is forcing my hand and in fact said it’s up to me if I actually want to do this or not. After all the comments here, I’m obviously leaning no. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midas1 Posted January 24 Author Share Posted January 24 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: You are living in Fantasy-Land, man. Maybe she would be disappointed by you in real life. Or maybe you would discover she has terrible breath. Or awful gas. Or simply doesn't perform the way your imangination thinks she does - all talk, no walk. My point is that this "amazing" weekend might turn into a total dumpster fire anyway. Reality may fall far short of the fantasy. Also, no adult woman who is playing with a full deck is going to meet some strange man from the internet for sex. The ones who are okay with that are generally the ones you need to run far and fast from, because their lack of boundaries or basic sense of safety point to deeper issues. I am not even speaking from a moral point of view (regarding casual sex), but basic common sense would tell most women that this is an incredibly unsafe idea. She has no idea who you really are. That does not seem to ring any warning bells for her, but it sure should for you. This chick is...off. You would be insane to risk your marriage for this person (or any person for that matter, but especially one who is showing you several red flags which you are failing to recognize) Everything you’ve said makes total sense. Yes, reality often does not live up to fantasy. I’m definitely thinking with that wrong head. Thank you for your comment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 (edited) 35 minutes ago, Midas1 said: She’s too shy to do video (I know you’re gonna say she’s actually a 300lbs dude who lives in his mother’s basement) But not too shy to plan a sex-meeting with a strange man whose identity she doesn't actually know...does that genuinely make sense to you? 35 minutes ago, Midas1 said: speaking to her on the phone and through all of our communications, she really does come off as a cute girl How does one come off as a "cute girl" on the phone? Voices tell us nothing about someone's physical appearance. Please be careful in assuming the pictures she has sent you are actually her. By chance, I once found out that someone had ripped off an old Facebook photo of me to catfish a man. I was the woman in the pic the man had been sent. Not whomever he was actually talking to. Edited January 24 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 (edited) 38 minutes ago, Midas1 said: She realizes as well that it’s just a fun “fantasy” and that the likelihood of it actually happening are slim. Again, I doubt that your wife would consider this a “fun fantasy…” You are thinking about this from your own perspective. I would respectfully suggest that as a married man and father, you don’t really have the right to do that - not when what you are doing is increasingly hurtful to the people that I would assume you love most in this world???? Edited January 24 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 18 hours ago, Midas1 said: You’re right, I am sucked in 😂 I’m sure she would love to do a FaceTime call. She would not hesitate one moment. It’s me who doesn’t want to reveal too much information. That is unless we do a rendezvous. vs 45 minutes ago, Midas1 said: She’s too shy to do video So she'd love to do a facetime call but she's too shy to be seen by you. .....Your story is developing holes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midas1 Posted January 24 Author Share Posted January 24 16 minutes ago, basil67 said: vs So she'd love to do a facetime call but she's too shy to be seen by you. .....Your story is developing holes Well, to be fair, sending sexual videos is a lot different than a FaceTime call 😂 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 20 minutes ago, Midas1 said: Well, to be fair, sending sexual videos is a lot different than a FaceTime call 😂 Given her approach to you, she hardly sounds like the shy type! I bet she's got quite the history of doing sex videos 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 3 hours ago, Midas1 said: As much as we can get on each others nerves, my wife doesn’t deserve my foolishness I think herein lies the crux of the problem. What is it about her that gets on your nerves? Habitual over-spender? No sex? Too much focus on kids and not enough focus on the marital bond? All of the above? These seem to be the most common things that piss men off in long-term marital relationships, and they're all antagonistic, and common, behaviours from female partners which cause significant resentment in a male partner. The surprising thing is how many men, under conditions of their needs not being met, will ponder the idea of divorce but will always shy away from it when they think about the financial ramifications and social impacts, and yet they'll ignore these potential same outcomes as they enter into an affair. Anyway, all that aside, from what you've described I'm wondering whether you've got yourself a scammer on the line. It's very common in online love scams that the scammer will initiate contact with the victim, become intimate very early on when the target engages with them, will send photos and talk on the 'phone but for whatever concocted reason can't video or Facetime. They prey on sites like the one you described, somewhere they'll see plenty of potential targets. I'm pretty sure if you told this woman that you're coming to meet her there'd be a last minute reason why she couldn't turn up. Why not do an experiment and pretend you've booked hotel and flights, and see what reason she comes up with for not being able to make it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 5 hours ago, Midas1 said: Is what I’m doing technically an “affair?” Yes. Whether you call it an affair or "fred" it's detrimental to your marriage. Stop. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midas1 Posted January 24 Author Share Posted January 24 9 minutes ago, MsJayne said: I think herein lies the crux of the problem. What is it about her that gets on your nerves? Habitual over-spender? No sex? Too much focus on kids and not enough focus on the marital bond? All of the above? These seem to be the most common things that piss men off in long-term marital relationships, and they're all antagonistic, and common, behaviours from female partners which cause significant resentment in a male partner. The surprising thing is how many men, under conditions of their needs not being met, will ponder the idea of divorce but will always shy away from it when they think about the financial ramifications and social impacts, and yet they'll ignore these potential same outcomes as they enter into an affair. Anyway, all that aside, from what you've described I'm wondering whether you've got yourself a scammer on the line. It's very common in online love scams that the scammer will initiate contact with the victim, become intimate very early on when the target engages with them, will send photos and talk on the 'phone but for whatever concocted reason can't video or Facetime. They prey on sites like the one you described, somewhere they'll see plenty of potential targets. I'm pretty sure if you told this woman that you're coming to meet her there'd be a last minute reason why she couldn't turn up. Why not do an experiment and pretend you've booked hotel and flights, and see what reason she comes up with for not being able to make it? I thank you for making me ask myself the questions and important feelings I need to ponder about my marriage. I definitely have to hold a mirror up or maybe seek counseling personally. I am almost 1000% certain I’m not being scammed as she has quite literally not asked me for anything and says that I don’t need to send gifts or anything to her house. I’m not Manti Teo (not sure if you’re familiar with his story). I sent her (unprompted) a purple cashmere scarf for Christmas which she did send a very clear pic of her wearing. I’m also completely certain that she would jump at the chance to do a FaceTime call with me tonight if I wanted. She’s more into me than I into her (a red flag, I know). Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 14 minutes ago, Midas1 said: She’s more into me than I into her (a red flag, I know). Hmm, I'm hearing 'Misty' playing in the background 😬. Maybe try to recall how you felt about your wife when you proposed to her, would you have hurt that woman? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midas1 Posted January 24 Author Share Posted January 24 34 minutes ago, MsJayne said: I think herein lies the crux of the problem. What is it about her that gets on your nerves? Habitual over-spender? No sex? Too much focus on kids and not enough focus on the marital bond? All of the above? These seem to be the most common things that piss men off in long-term marital relationships, and they're all antagonistic, and common, behaviours from female partners which cause significant resentment in a male partner. The surprising thing is how many men, under conditions of their needs not being met, will ponder the idea of divorce but will always shy away from it when they think about the financial ramifications and social impacts, and yet they'll ignore these potential same outcomes as they enter into an affair. Anyway, all that aside, from what you've described I'm wondering whether you've got yourself a scammer on the line. It's very common in online love scams that the scammer will initiate contact with the victim, become intimate very early on when the target engages with them, will send photos and talk on the 'phone but for whatever concocted reason can't video or Facetime. They prey on sites like the one you described, somewhere they'll see plenty of potential targets. I'm pretty sure if you told this woman that you're coming to meet her there'd be a last minute reason why she couldn't turn up. Why not do an experiment and pretend you've booked hotel and flights, and see what reason she comes up with for not being able to make it? I’d be willing to attempt a FaceTime call with her this weekend and report back to this forum if ppl are curious. Just to prove I’m not being scammed 😂 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midas1 Posted January 24 Author Share Posted January 24 24 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Yes. Whether you call it an affair or "fred" it's detrimental to your marriage. Stop. What’s “Fred?” Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midas1 Posted January 24 Author Share Posted January 24 44 minutes ago, basil67 said: Given her approach to you, she hardly sounds like the shy type! I bet she's got quite the history of doing sex videos It’s sexual audio messages not sex videos (I know what you’re gonna say 😂). Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 13 minutes ago, Midas1 said: I’d be willing to attempt a FaceTime call with her this weekend and report back to this forum if ppl are curious. Just to prove I’m not being scammed 😂 This is a modern day "You've Got Mail" situation here, but with a lot more steamy audio recordings and vibrator action. I mean, who doesn't love a good flirty gif exchange? But let's cut to the chase, my friend. A rendezvous in the Midwest? Have you ever been to the mid-west? Do you know how many cornfields you'll have to pass before you reach your destination? Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 17 minutes ago, Midas1 said: I’d be willing to attempt a FaceTime call with her this weekend and report back to this forum if ppl are curious. Just to prove I’m not being scammed 😂 Hell yeah, I'm curious Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midas1 Posted January 24 Author Share Posted January 24 19 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: This is a modern day "You've Got Mail" situation here, but with a lot more steamy audio recordings and vibrator action. I mean, who doesn't love a good flirty gif exchange? But let's cut to the chase, my friend. A rendezvous in the Midwest? Have you ever been to the mid-west? Do you know how many cornfields you'll have to pass before you reach your destination? 😂 We wouldn’t meet on her turf. My very good friend has a sprawling ranch just outside Nashville. I’d go visit him during the week and on the weekend, rendezvous with her at a hotel in Nashville before coming home.This was the devious fantasy at least. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 47 minutes ago, Midas1 said: I’d be willing to attempt a FaceTime call with her this weekend and report back to this forum if ppl are curious. Just to prove I’m not being scammed 😂 So proving she's real to a bunch of strangers is more important to you than addressing the problems in your marriage? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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