Author ayaj Posted January 20 Author Share Posted January 20 (edited) So we have had part 1 of the conversation so far and the conclusion I came too does indeed seem to be the situation. I'm still not fully sure what my thoughts are on it all and I will take some time today to gather my thoughts before continuing with part 2. I do have a question on a slightly different topic... There has been a lot of mention of the age gap here and the appropriateness of it and frankly just whether it is even possible for the relationship to work. I am now fully aware of how much work will be involved in making this relationship turn out the way we want, I also never fully considered the importance of the gen z thing. So as a mature adult and with her parents permission, if i decide i am capable of of handling all that comes with my decision and make this work... is there a chance we can make this work? is the relationship really that inappropriate? It seems we both want the exact same things in life, we are just at a different stage of it. To many, it will be as simple as she is too young, just walk away... the relationship is nothing and has no future. You need to understand that me walking away at this point (the cowards way out) would absolutely crush this girl and break her heart (at least that is my expectation based on all information available to me). For those who think i should not be with her... is breaking her heart really the better option for her? Edited January 20 by smwia30 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 (edited) 3 hours ago, smwia30 said: is the relationship really that inappropriate? It's not inappropriate. It's just not that realistic to expect it to last. In the end, you are the one who is probably going to get hurt. Edited January 20 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 On 1/19/2024 at 5:14 PM, smwia30 said: . There are plans for her to live with me which would at least create a more traditional relationship. We are being respectful of their wishes that I wait until start of 2025 to have her live with me. If her parents and culture are as strict and conservative as you describe, marriage, not shacking up, would most likely be their idea of "traditional". There seems to be a lot missing such as why a simple conversation about "what's the tiktok video about?" is so difficult. If you have difficulty communicating even the most basic things how are you going to have her move in with you? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 (edited) 4 hours ago, smwia30 said: You need to understand that me walking away at this point (the cowards way out) would absolutely crush this girl and break her heart (at least that is my expectation based on all information available to me). You're making no sense. A girl who will be heartbroken wouldn't be in a relationship/fooling around with another guy. If you're so sure she loves you this much, why are you here? Quote For those who think i should not be with her... is breaking her heart really the better option for her? You wanting to make the right decision for her is one of the reasons that your age is a problem. It's patronising, like a father making a decision for his child. If you truly viewed her as an equal, you would make the best decision for yourself and let the chips fall where they may. And besides, she's sexy and popular with loads of friends...she'll get loads of support and love from them and move on. But for the love of god, stay away from friend #3 Edited January 20 by basil67 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 21 Share Posted January 21 Why can't you ask your girlfriend a simple question? It's just an Instagram Story, it might not be mean anything. Is there something stopping you from asking her directly about it? Just say something like "Hey, I saw the video you posted on your story. Who's the guy in the video?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author ayaj Posted January 21 Author Share Posted January 21 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: If her parents and culture are as strict and conservative as you describe, marriage, not shacking up, would most likely be their idea of "traditional". There seems to be a lot missing such as why a simple conversation about "what's the tiktok video about?" is so difficult. If you have difficulty communicating even the most basic things how are you going to have her move in with you? Yes they expect marriage when she is done school. The family's rule is actually that she can not sleep overnight at my place until next year. She says she wants to live with me next year. The missing information that required me to gather my thoughts before asking her about something simple like that video is most likely the story of what happened between my ex wife and I but it is not a story I want to tell right now. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 21 Share Posted January 21 1 minute ago, smwia30 said: Yes they expect marriage when she is done school. The family's rule is actually that she can not sleep overnight at my place until next year. She says she wants to live with me next year. The missing information that required me to gather my thoughts before asking her about something simple like that video is most likely the story of what happened between my ex wife and I but it is not a story I want to tell right now. It doesn't matter what the history is. But if the upshot is that you can't have a simple conversation about a video, then you're not yet ready to be in a relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Author ayaj Posted January 21 Author Share Posted January 21 4 hours ago, basil67 said: You're making no sense. A girl who will be heartbroken wouldn't be in a relationship/fooling around with another guy. If you're so sure she loves you this much, why are you here? You wanting to make the right decision for her is one of the reasons that your age is a problem. It's patronising, like a father making a decision for his child. If you truly viewed her as an equal, you would make the best decision for yourself and let the chips fall where they may. And besides, she's sexy and popular with loads of friends...she'll get loads of support and love from them and move on. But for the love of god, stay away from friend #3 It is hard to make sense myself when I too can not fully relate to what is going on. Is it really a relationship/fooling around if she has never kissed this guy or anything? I'm sure she either loves me so much or is the fakest person and biggest liar I have known. It really seems to me to be the first but I guess I don't fully trust my instincts because of my past. The I seem to want to make the right decision for her part does seem to be at least partially accurate. I do feel an urge to care for her... can someone remind me is this not a normal feeling in a relationship? Another good point that being popular would help distract her and move on. "stay away from friend #3" haha now there is some really good advice Link to post Share on other sites
Author ayaj Posted January 21 Author Share Posted January 21 2 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Why can't you ask your girlfriend a simple question? It's just an Instagram Story, it might not be mean anything. Is there something stopping you from asking her directly about it? Just say something like "Hey, I saw the video you posted on your story. Who's the guy in the video?" We have already discussed this and the topic is still open for further discussion Link to post Share on other sites
Author ayaj Posted January 21 Author Share Posted January 21 (edited) 22 minutes ago, basil67 said: It doesn't matter what the history is. But if the upshot is that you can't have a simple conversation about a video, then you're not yet ready to be in a relationship Good point. I see it more as i took 24hrs to collect my thoughts on something that caught me off guard and came across as a very serious issue initially. I do wonder if I am ready for a relationship. I thought i was but I might of started too complicated. Edited January 21 by smwia30 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ayaj Posted January 21 Author Share Posted January 21 5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: It's not inappropriate. It's just not that realistic to expect it to last. In the end, you are the one who is probably going to get hurt. This sounds about right Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 21 Share Posted January 21 1 hour ago, smwia30 said: gather my thoughts before asking her about something simple like that video is most likely the story of what happened between my ex wife You said you were cheated on. But this schoolgirl and her tiktok video shouldn't be punished for that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ayaj Posted January 21 Author Share Posted January 21 29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: You said you were cheated on. But this schoolgirl and her tiktok video shouldn't be punished for that. Well it was worse than just cheat on but yes it should not be this school girl's problem. She is aware of the full story of my past though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ayaj Posted January 21 Author Share Posted January 21 I keep going back and forth in my mind on what to do about this situation. I think my head is trying to tell me to end it but I can not accept it for some reason. I'm trying to understand why that it is and now I am worried that I am actually the one who has fallen in love with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ayaj Posted January 21 Author Share Posted January 21 (edited) 11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: There seems to be a lot missing such as why a simple conversation about "what's the tiktok video about?" is so difficult. I have been thinking this one over and there is an angle that has only been briefly mentioned in this thread that might be more important to my mindset or lack of mindset when it came to dealing with this issue then i realized. I've posted so much already I might as well throw this one out there. I have a lot of money. In my experience this can lead to deception or even manipulation by others looking to take advantage. I think my experience with that also contributed to my first thought not being just to ask her straight out in the beginning because in the end words are just words even if they sound great. Edited January 21 by smwia30 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 21 Share Posted January 21 She's supposed to be your girlfriend, for heaven's sake. If you can't ask her why she's posted a video like this, you have a very flimsy relationship. Or maybe you are afraid of finding out that she is not the person you thought she was and this other guy is indeed someone she is dating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ayaj Posted January 21 Author Share Posted January 21 (edited) 5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: She's supposed to be your girlfriend, for heaven's sake. If you can't ask her why she's posted a video like this, you have a very flimsy relationship. Or maybe you are afraid of finding out that she is not the person you thought she was and this other guy is indeed someone she is dating. To clarify i have discussed it with my girlfriend and I will also be discussing the subject with her further. As to why I did not ask her the moment I saw the video? Being afraid of what I might find out I'm sure was part of it yes. To be honest I think I have fallen hard for this girl and I am scared of being hurt again. Edited January 21 by smwia30 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 21 Share Posted January 21 23 minutes ago, smwia30 said: To be honest I think I have fallen hard for this girl and I am scared of being hurt again. She wasn't the wisest investmemt on your part. She might be a fine person, but again, she is too young for the kind of relationship you are seeking. If you were looking for another long-term, serious thing, she is unlikely to be that. Please be realistic about the prospects here. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 21 Share Posted January 21 2 minutes ago, basil67 said: Though I can guarantee that you would have been far to old for her to consider. Ah, I just read the OP's other thread. Yes, in general 19yos who are interested in a genuine relationship with a steady boyfriend aren't going to be dating a 30-yo divorcee. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 21 Share Posted January 21 On 1/19/2024 at 4:08 PM, smwia30 said: I always wondered why some guys choose to be "womanizers" or "players", I thought it is just how some guys have always been... as i get older I am starting to think that sometimes its you girls who cause it. I'm not sure why anymore I have spent my life bothering to always look for a serious relationship. So, you are a 30-yo divorced man serial-dating girls almost half your age... and because of your experiences with this age group, you're blaming all women for causing some men to behave like Hugh Hefner? Geez. Have you ever considered that the TYPE of 18-yo girls who are happy to "date" a 30-yo man who flaunts his wealth are looking for a sugar daddy, not a real boyfriend? Look, it's your life, do whatever you want as long as the "girls" are consensual and legal, but don't come crying to us that they don't want a serious relationship. They just don't want a serious relationship with you, because no 18-yo girl dreams about marrying a divorcee 10 years her senior. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ayaj Posted January 21 Author Share Posted January 21 (edited) 1 hour ago, Els said: Look, it's your life, do whatever you want as long as the "girls" are consensual and legal, but don't come crying to us that they don't want a serious relationship. They just don't want a serious relationship with you, because no 18-yo girl dreams about marrying a divorcee 10 years her senior. Yeah when you put it that way I do agree with you. What this girl says to me she either actually wants that or is a lying manipulator. I actually asked her early in the relationship if she had any "fantasies", apparently her fantasy growing up was something like a rich prince meets poor girl and wants to build a beautiful life together. The divorcee thing definitely sucks for me and the fact that she seemed fine with it and completely accepting of me did help the relationship develop. What she says all really sounds too good to be true to me... but is that really enough reason for me to walk away? I wish she would just make it easy on me and just say things that I don't want to hear. Especially if the things I don't want to hear are the truth. Edited January 21 by smwia30 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 21 Share Posted January 21 (edited) 5 hours ago, smwia30 said: Is it common for a gen z girl, say in the 18-20 range, to have multiple guys in her life that fill multiple roles? You mentioned you're afraid this schoolgirl you're seeing will take advantage of you financially. There are really no generalizations you'researching for in lieu of actually asking her. it's very peculiar that you are asking all over about her age group, videos and everything else as if you don't know her. Edited January 21 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 21 Share Posted January 21 2 minutes ago, smwia30 said: . I think it comes across as I don't know her because she spends half of her time at her school and up until now I had no idea what went on there. By "multiple roles", do you mean she has a BF at school and you're afraid you're in a sugar daddy role? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ayaj Posted January 21 Author Share Posted January 21 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: By "multiple roles", do you mean she has a BF at school and you're afraid you're in a sugar daddy role? Yes that would be a concern. According to her, in her eyes I am her husband and that other guy is not actually a bf. In my eyes it sounds more like he is her bf and I am her sugar daddy. Or at the very least he is her boyfriend and I am her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 21 Share Posted January 21 3 minutes ago, smwia30 said: in her eyes I am her husband and that other guy is not actually a bf. In my eyes it sounds more like he is her bf and I am her sugar daddy. Not sure what culture/language this is, but you are not her "husband ". It's very possible college girls make extra money through sugar daddies, OnlyFans and other such means. Not necessarily a generational thing but it's probably more common than you think. Are you providing material and financial support? Link to post Share on other sites
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