Tiktok Video [merged with on topic comments from Gen Z thread]

[DizzyBlonde]

2 minutes ago, smwia30 said:

My insecurities arise from a failed marriage that end badly for me. I have more relationship experience then it might seem but yes there is always more to learn. Personally i think coming here and calmly sharing views with people who have an outside perspective. Then preparing and gather my thoughts to have a true in depth conversation with her about everything is a mature way to handle it. I could see 2 immature ways of handling... 1. I message her instantly after seeing it and talk to her while agitated, without thinking it over, without getting my facts straight or the other extreme 2. Dont bring up the issue and just ignore it hoping it goes away.

Preparing for and then having a very important conversation after gathering all my thoughts is really the most mature way I can handle this. This happened last night, it is 3pm in the afternoon here now. I worked a day job already today (not one on a laptop). It is friday afternoon now, our weekend ahead, no work. I think my timeline and how I am handling it so far is completely reasonable though nothing is ever perfect.

You aound like you are level headed.

Preparation is the key

[ayaj]

4 minutes ago, DizzyBlonde said:

You aound like you are level headed.

Preparation is the key

Thank you

[Alpacalia]

15 minutes ago, smwia30 said:

My insecurities arise from a failed marriage that ended badly for me. I have more relationship experience then it might seem but yes there is always more to learn. Personally i think coming here and calmly sharing views with people who have an outside perspective. Then preparing and gather my thoughts to have a true in depth conversation with her about everything is a mature way to handle it. I could see 2 immature ways of handling... 1. I message her instantly after seeing it and talk to her while agitated, without thinking it over, without getting my facts straight or the other extreme 2. Dont bring up the issue and just ignore it hoping it goes away.

Preparing for and then having a very important conversation after gathering all my thoughts is really the most mature way I can handle this. This happened last night, it is 3pm in the afternoon here now. I worked a day job already today (not one on a laptop). It is friday afternoon now, our weekend ahead, no work. I think my timeline and how I am handling it so far is completely reasonable though nothing is ever perfect.

Part of being mature is staying grounded when you come across situations that make you feel insecure or uncomfortable.

Step back, process your emotions, and gather all the relevant information before reacting. In this situation, I would suggest taking some time to think about the video and your feelings about it. What specifically about the video bothered you? Is it the way your girlfriend is positioned with her classmate, the music and text that accompanied it, or something else? Social media can often blur lines and make situations seem more serious than they actually are.

If you really suspect that your girlfriend has feelings for this classmate, then maybe you should let it be. I think it's clear that she knows who you are, but she is still choosing to go after this guy. If she can't stay loyal to you, then I don't see the point in still pursuing her any longer.

At the end of the day, what matters most is how you feel in the relationship. If this video has triggered your insecurities and made you question your girlfriend's intentions, then this video is a sign of larger issues in the relationship, such as a lack of trust or communication, so it may be worth reevaluating the relationship altogether.

Edited January 19 by Alpacalia

[ayaj]

32 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

As for you, don't get hung up thinking you're the victim here. The song seems innocent enough EXCEPT that the girl you sent it to, you were romantically involved with in the past. That does give it a slightly different meaning, which you should be aware of. As for your GF, it certainly doesn't help that over a month later (please correct me if the timing is incorrect), she posts this video with that song and message.

I also just wanted to clarify, I sent that song to the "ex" like 20 minutes after we decided to break up and before I even started talking to my gf. I did not do that while with my girlfriend in anyway at the time. I had met her when she was with her friend, that was it. The saying I still chat with the friend sometimes came when I was already with my gf, right at the start of the relationship.

Edited January 19 by smwia30

[ayaj]

To be honest I am starting to think now of some of the things I said in that first week with my gf in November and wondering now how much of this is actually my fault. I hope I'm not just starting to convince myself here that I am at fault because I want an excuse to save the relationship. I won't know either way until we have the discussion. If it turns out to be my fault (partially at least) I will take time to go into detail about some things I said in that first week that I had forgotten all about. My plan is to share my concerns and let her explain her view and if her view is something else, I will still bring up the mistakes I think I made after she is done her side.

Edited January 19 by smwia30

[mark clemson]

You are thinking WAY too hard about this. There's no reason to worry about who's "fault" anything is, or what her "excuse" might be. She is being one thing with you and someone completely different on SM. Don't let her live rent-free in your head, just walk away and move on. Easy-peasy.

It's nice that you (claim to) have characteristics many women are attracted to, but I will note in passing that there is no shortage of "good ones" for an attractive woman in her 20's. C'est la vie...

[Alpacalia]

24 minutes ago, smwia30 said:

I also just wanted to clarify, I sent that song to the "ex" like 20 minutes after we decided to break up and before I even started talking to my gf. I did not do that while with my girlfriend in anyway at the time. I had met her when she was with her friend, that was it. The saying I still chat with the friend sometimes came when I was already with my gf, right at the start of the relationship.

I get that posting a video of her seemingly getting cozy with someone else and declaring love for them is definitely not appropriate in any context, especially when she's in a relationship with you. I'm just wondering if there's any possibility that this could be a misunderstanding or a joke between friends.

Maybe she's just trying to be funny or make her friend feel special. The thing is you can sit here and overthink what it could be but the only way to really get to the bottom of it is to talk to her about it. Tell her how it made you feel seeing that video and ask her what's going on.

When my ex-f kissed another girl, I asked him straight up what was going on and he told me the truth. That was enough for me to call it quits.

For the record, I don't agree that this video is appropriate regardless of the context, but there is always a possibility that it could just be a misunderstanding.

What if they were playing karaoke and that was the song they were singing? What if it was just a silly inside joke between them? What if it was just a spur-of-the-moment thing that she didn't think too much about? Of course, these are just potential scenarios and the truth could be something completely different.

Edited January 19 by Alpacalia

[ayaj]

12 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I get that posting a video of her seemingly getting cozy with someone else and declaring love for them is definitely not appropriate in any context, especially when she's in a relationship with you. I'm just wondering if there's any possibility that this could be a misunderstanding or a joke between friends.

Maybe she's just trying to be funny or make her friend feel special. The thing is you can sit here and overthink what it could be but the only way to really get to the bottom of it is to talk to her about it. Tell her how it made you feel seeing that video and ask her what's going on.

When my ex-f kissed another girl, I asked him straight up what was going on and he told me the truth. For the record, I don't agree that this video is appropriate regardless of the context, but there is always a possibility that it could just be a misunderstanding.

What if they were playing karaoke and that was the song they were singing? What if it was just a silly inside joke between them? What if it was just a spur-of-the-moment thing that she didn't think too much about? Of course, these are just potential scenarios and the truth could be something completely different.

Yes my initial reaction to the initial video besides "wtf?" was that the video was inappropriate for someone in a serious relationship regardless of what the real context is.

There could be a  million reasons and I won't know hers until I ask.

I guess i did not describe the video well... the video she posted they are inside the school on a bench like waiting to go into a classroom or something (the "my heart belongs to you"/ iloveyou@ video). The pictures he posted on instagram 1 looked to be like they are out somewhere for entertainment (but inside with disco lights or something)... 1 you can only see the ceiling so it can be anywhere (i think that is the one that mentions she is drunk) and both pics are too zoomed in/they are so close together to know if there is anyone else in the room at all. Those 2 pics are 3 weeks apart.

Edited January 19 by smwia30

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, smwia30 said:

. I am 10 years older than her.  she introduced me to her parents 

Is parental and family approval important in your culture? If her parents know she's dating you it seems ok, even though she's in highschool. As far as the video and social media concerns, just ask about it and let her explain. 

[ayaj]

Btw when I got home from work today the video had already quickly vanished so I think she might know something is up. I asked her for a couple more updates this morning on what she was doing than i usually do which probably gave it away or made her suspicious anyway.

[Alpacalia]

Yes. Why are you dating someone this young? Is it because of your failed marriage and maybe you feel that this lady is more innocent? Or what specific characteristic attracted you to her? Maybe you need to batten down the hatches a bit and be more cautious when it comes to relationships until you have truly moved past any insecurities and glaring vulnerability. You need to have a very strong sense of self and be prepared to weather some unpleasant storms in a new relationship. That said, can't blame this girl for being a bit silly youngster. I think that age gap notwithstanding, there is a bigger problem here...

[SurfCity]

1 hour ago, smwia30 said:

I have done a couple years younger than me, I have done a couple years older than me (actual relationships not flings). I decided to go young this time thanks (not really a decision, more like the fact that she is young is not a deal breaker for me). If she is actually the girl that she has come across to me as up to this point(before this) then her age does not matter (repeat- she is of legal adult age.)

It would help if you would just tell us your ages, but since we have to guess, she's probably18-20 which makes you 30-ish. You are at a completely different life stage than her. She's still lives with her mom and you've been married and divorced. You don't understand and don't use social media, she loves it and uses it frequently like most people her age do. You see each other infrequently, you have a suspicious nature...there just seem to be too many incompatibilities here.

BTW, the videos on posted Instagram are commonly first posted on Tiktok but not vice versa because Instagram makes it hard to do. Her hiding her face could be a trend or "dance" that goes with that song. People just remake trending videos with the trending dances and songs.

[ayaj]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is parental and family approval important in your culture? If her parents know she's dating you it seems ok, even though she's in highschool. As far as the video and social media concerns, just ask about it and let her explain. 

It is important in her culture not mine. Her friend warned me about this and her strict parents. Her parents have refused perspective boyfriends before and according to her she followed their wishes. Her father is also a minister of a church. In a way that reassures me but at the same time unfortunately it seems very possible this guy I am worried about might be one of the refused suitors.

[ayaj]

40 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes. Why are you dating someone this young? Is it because of your failed marriage and maybe you feel that this lady is more innocent? Or what specific characteristic attracted you to her? Maybe you need to batten down the hatches a bit and be more cautious when it comes to relationships until you have truly moved past any insecurities and glaring vulnerability. You need to have a very strong sense of self and be prepared to weather some unpleasant storms in a new relationship. That said, can't blame this girl for being a bit silly youngster. I think that age gap notwithstanding, there is a bigger problem here...

The honest truth? I met her best friend first and she was incredibly sexy and attractive (to me anyway) so the friend caught my attention and then seemed really fun to be with. Youthful can be fun right? The friend reminded me of a prettier sexier version of my ex wife when I originally met my ex wife (I honestly realized this after the friend and I broke up). When I realized what was drawing me to the friend I was in a way happy that we had not continued the relationship.  I do not want to be reminded of my ex everyday and that realization would of been bad. Of course neither of them are aware of this ex wife comparison because i did not realize while with the friend and I surely was not going to tell my current girlfriend that after I realized it. Then me and the friend split after talking about what we were looking for, at that point I had already met my current gf through the friend. The friend told me that my girlfriend sounds like exactly the girl I am looking for and literally encouraged me to get to know her better. After getting to know her, she did seem to be exactly what I was looking for and everything has gone great up until yesterday. 

So to sum it up why am I dating someone this young? I think because her best friend is a better looking version of my ex wife at that age lmao. 

I also think I did like the the innocent/inexperienced thing up to this point.

I should also mention here that my girlfriend is also very attractive and thankfully in a different style and way than her bestfriend.. Their group is a trio actually of hot sexy girls lol, i have not had a chance to get to know the 3rd girl at all really yet.

 

Edited January 19 by smwia30

[ayaj]

41 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is parental and family approval important in your culture? If her parents know she's dating you it seems ok, even though she's in highschool. As far as the video and social media concerns, just ask about it and let her explain. 

btw correction here she is in University not high school. I am aware of what school and program she is attending.

[ayaj]

46 minutes ago, SurfCity said:

It would help if you would just tell us your ages, but since we have to guess, she's probably18-20 which makes you 30-ish. You are at a completely different life stage than her. She's still lives with her mom and you've been married and divorced. You don't understand and don't use social media, she loves it and uses it frequently like most people her age do. You see each other infrequently, you have a suspicious nature...there just seem to be too many incompatibilities here.

BTW, the videos on posted Instagram are commonly first posted on Tiktok but not vice versa because Instagram makes it hard to do. Her hiding her face could be a trend or "dance" that goes with that song. People just remake trending videos with the trending dances and songs.

You are right about the ages and also right about the the current form of our relationship not being ideal. There are plans for her to live with me which would at least create a more traditional relationship. Her parents are also aware of this. We are being respectful of their wishes that I wait until start of 2025 to have her live with me. It has to do with the age thing and I accepted it graciously because to be honest I expected something like that. I'm not sure I would even let my daughter date me at that age? (i dont have kids) So her parents are being understanding enough i think.

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't bank on this relationship becoming super serious or her acutally moving in with you. 

She is very young and unlikely to be ready to settle down until she's had a few more boyfriends. Sure, youthful can be fun, but you also have to be realistic about the implications of dating someone who is just embarking on adulthood. 

You have a lot more life (and relationship) experience under your belt than she does. That matters and it tends to make relationships like this difficult to sustain. 

[Gaeta]

10 year difference is not a big deal when we're 40-50-60 and both parties have experienced life.

The way you talk about these young women, barely out of their teens, the way you date one then another, the way you keep insisting they're hot, it's all very creepy. 

I don't think it's normal for a man your age, married and divorced, to have an interest in such young girls. Young women will always be flattered to get attention from older men but it does not mean older men should act on it. I think older men dating young girls probably don't have what it takes to keep the attention of a women their age.

Sorry, l'm a mom of young women, l had to say it.

Edited January 19 by Gaeta

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, smwia30 said:

. There are plans for her to live with me. I wait until start of 2025 to have her live with me..

Try to ask about what's up with the tiktok video before you map out your future. 

[ayaj]

10 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I suggest you date a woman and leave 'girls' behind. 

This younger generation stays 'young' much longer than the millennial or generation X. It takes a long time for them to make a clean cut between boyfriend and buddies. What you are describing looks like something my 19 year old would do. She has several guy friends and one of them is her 'school husband', the other one is her 'bestie', the other one they play that mom/son role. Her boyfriend thinks it's all funny because he is also a generation Z like her. He gets it. You are too old for this. 

I could not even make this up but it literally took falling down a flight of stairs to realize this is exactly it.

Between my last post and just now I fell down a staircase at my house and cut myself bad, hit my head slightly then went to an urgent care center for stitches. I just got home and sat down opened the laptop and realized wait... that really is it right there. That is the only thing that explains it and why I am so confused. I think she thinks if she is not having sex with that guy at her school then he is just her "school husband" or something like that. It makes no sense to me but it is the only thing that fits perfectly. Fits perfectly without her being a complete liar which she seriously does not seem to be. 

You put that together with what Wiseman2 was saying about the cultural difference. I have her families approval, I bet in her head I am like her "home husband" or something like that hahahaha. It is why it seems to me she is seriously planning a future together with me hmmmm after school? It sounds insane to me but it is the only thing that makes perfect sense out of all the explanations.

Tell me I hit my head too hard?

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, smwia30 said:

The honest truth? I met her best friend first and she was incredibly sexy and attractive (to me anyway) so the friend caught my attention and then seemed really fun to be with. Youthful can be fun right? The friend reminded me of a prettier sexier version of my ex wife when I originally met my ex wife (I honestly realized this after the friend and I broke up). When I realized what was drawing me to the friend I was in a way happy that we had not continued the relationship.  I do not want to be reminded of my ex everyday and that realization would of been bad. Of course neither of them are aware of this ex wife comparison because i did not realize while with the friend and I surely was not going to tell my current girlfriend that after I realized it. Then me and the friend split after talking about what we were looking for, at that point I had already met my current gf through the friend. The friend told me that my girlfriend sounds like exactly the girl I am looking for and literally encouraged me to get to know her better. After getting to know her, she did seem to be exactly what I was looking for and everything has gone great up until yesterday. 

So to sum it up why am I dating someone this young? I think because her best friend is a better looking version of my ex wife at that age lmao. 

I also think I did like the the innocent/inexperienced thing up to this point.

I should also mention here that my girlfriend is also very attractive and thankfully in a different style and way than her bestfriend.. Their group is a trio actually of hot sexy girls lol, i have not had a chance to get to know the 3rd girl at all really yet.

Interesting.

Not sure if these are reasons for something sustainable for the long term, though. It's kind of ick that you're finding similarities between your ex-wife and comparing this triad of female friendship as some playboy fantasy land.

Seems like a flimsy pretense to have any measure of happiness at present or real relationship with the person you're dating.

Edited January 20 by Alpacalia

[ayaj]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

10 year difference is not a big deal when we're 40-50-60 and both parties have experienced life.

The way you talk about these young women, barely out of their teens, the way you date one then another, the way you keep insisting they're hot, it's all very creepy. 

I don't think it's normal for a man your age, married and divorced, to have an interest in such young girls. Young women will always be flattered to get attention from older men but it does not mean older men should act on it. I think older men dating young girls probably don't have what it takes to keep the attention of a women their age.

Sorry, l'm a mom of young women, l had to say it.

I see what you are saying and I get it. I could write a very very long story here of death depression divorce and the covid quarantine that in my mind ultimately led to the original girl who resembles my ex wife catching my eye. But I won't. 

[SlimShadysWife]

51 minutes ago, smwia30 said:

I could not even make this up but it literally took falling down a flight of stairs to realize this is exactly it.

Between my last post and just now I fell down a staircase at my house and cut myself bad, hit my head slightly then went to an urgent care center for stitches. I just got home and sat down opened the laptop and realized wait... that really is it right there. That is the only thing that explains it and why I am so confused. I think she thinks if she is not having sex with that guy at her school then he is just her "school husband" or something like that. It makes no sense to me but it is the only thing that fits perfectly. Fits perfectly without her being a complete liar which she seriously does not seem to be. 

You put that together with what Wiseman2 was saying about the cultural difference. I have her families approval, I bet in her head I am like her "home husband" or something like that hahahaha. It is why it seems to me she is seriously planning a future together with me hmmmm after school? It sounds insane to me but it is the only thing that makes perfect sense out of all the explanations.

Tell me I hit my head too hard?

Wow, just wow.

I think it's a time for a vacation for you. Rejuvenate.

Edited January 20 by SlimShadysWife

[ayaj]

56 minutes ago, SlimShadysWife said:

Wow, just wow.

I think it's a time for a vacation for you. Rejuvenate.

Hahaha I honestly just kept laughing at first.

[ExpatInItaly]

Again, this girl is too young for you. 

Yes, everything is legal and 10 years isn't that much - when you are both older. But she is showing you she is still fairly immature and you would be naive to expect that she is going to settle down with you. 

She isn't ready for the relationship you're trying to have with her. She's too busy doing what many other young people do, which is making Tik Toks and essentially role-playing for social media. She's got a long way to go before she'll be ready to make a serious commitment, and it likely will be years from now and not with you.