Eeejay Posted June 7, 2023 Share Posted June 7, 2023 Quote I don’t understand how we haven’t gotten caught in 6 years. Surely she has to know and is just turning a blind eye. Neither one of us is that slick. Hi there - I'm really sorry you're in pain. I just wanted to pop in and say be careful with this kind of thinking - I see it a lot on here, and to me it seems like justification. Like making yourself believe his wife 'has to know and is just turning a blind eye' is tacit permission to keep doing what you're doing because after all, if she knows and doesn't care, then it's not as wrong to continue, right? I'm not saying this to dump on you, I'm saying it to keep you in a strong mindset to call it quits on this mess. You yourself said: Quote Although I do see it, I just don’t want to admit to myself that he’d be deceitful like that. Can you imagine how much more this would apply to his wife? Try and put yourself in her shoes - she's married to the guy. You didn't mention how long they've been married, but I assume it's for longer than the six years you two have been carrying on. They've built a life together, they have a son together. Part of marriage is trust, and maybe she just simply trusts her husband and wouldn't imagine he could ever betray her like this. Maybe she HAS had moments where she's questioned his whereabouts or actions, or seen something janky on the phone bill, but of course he lied and gaslighted her into thinking she was nuts. Don't fall into the 'well, she HAS to know by now and just doesn't care' trap, because it's just another thing that will enable you to stay in this godawful situation. Anyway, it doesn't matter what she knows or doesn't know because it's irrelevant to what YOU need to do, you know? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 7, 2023 Share Posted June 7, 2023 On 6/4/2023 at 6:12 PM, SideChick23 said: Do I fess up to her or just hold my head high and walk away? I say - keep whatever dignity you have left at this point. And that, for me, would be to walk away and leave this couple to their own lives and their own marriage. And for what it’s worth, I think Ee-jay made an excellent post above. Very well stated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SideChick23 Posted June 7, 2023 Author Share Posted June 7, 2023 4 hours ago, Eeejay said: You didn't mention how long they've been married, but I assume it's for longer than the six years you two have been carrying on. They’ve been married 8 years. The old “I got her pregnant and did the right thing” lie. I believe your whole post was spot on. I am definitely not justifying it or using it as an excuse to keep the affair going. Right now I am a rainbow of emotions. I am very fortunate he’s out of the country, so I have time to work through this without the added distraction of him possibly being around. 6 years is a long time to be with someone, even as an affair. I go from sad to mad to everything in between. I have made the decision to block him and move on. Too much hurt for me to continue. I am just preparing for him to find a way to reach out. I want my head straight to say NO. This group has been very helpful because I get some tough love when I waiver. It’s been so good for my heart. I appreciate all of you. 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted June 7, 2023 Share Posted June 7, 2023 Be direct and don’t be tempted to go into motivations. Just say that the situation is increasingly hurting you and conflicting with your values, that you have decided to break contact and move on. He will be hurt but less than you. He’ll just go back to his wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 7, 2023 Share Posted June 7, 2023 (edited) 16 hours ago, SideChick23 said: I don’t understand how we haven’t gotten caught in 6 years. Surely she has to know and is just turning a blind eye. Try to reflect on what a liar he is. Rather than wonder what the wife doesn't know about the truth, or how "blind" she is, imagine the enormity of all the lies he tells you. Edited June 7, 2023 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 7, 2023 Share Posted June 7, 2023 (edited) The thing that you need to understand whenever you fantasize about telling his wife about the affair is that you have ZERO credibility. Any “concern” that you have that she know the “truth” about her husband and her marriage is very disengenous considering that you’ve been an active participant in the betrayal for the past SIX years. Where was that concern in year one? What about year two? Or year four? If you come clean now that you have decided to move on you will appear to her as little more than a bitter and vindictive person - and there is no credibility in that. To me, it’s a shameful thing to have to do - to admit to his wife that have been sleeping with her husband for the past six years. As much as I would want to know if I was the wife, I don’t want to hear it from his rejected affair partner. As I said above, I would suggest that you keep whatever dignity you have and let it go… Focus on rebuilding your own life and regaining your own integrity and self-respect. There is nothing to be gained for you in telling her anything at this point… Edited June 7, 2023 by BaileyB 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 7, 2023 Share Posted June 7, 2023 On 6/4/2023 at 7:12 PM, SideChick23 said: Do I fess up to her or just hold my head high and walk away? Part of me feels she should know what I’ve done the last 6 years because I would want to know, but the other part of me feels like I’ve meddled enough. No it's best to just let sleeping dogs lie. You could put yourself in danger by telling her because more than likely she has no idea you are having sex with her husband. You have no idea how she may react or what she might do to you. Some spouses go crazy on the OW/OM. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SideChick23 Posted June 8, 2023 Author Share Posted June 8, 2023 I am not going anywhere near the wife. That was a fleeting thought. I just need to focus on me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted June 8, 2023 Share Posted June 8, 2023 I say this with absolute sincerity. Wives get vacations while mistresses get to share a hotel room on business trips and other other stolen moments. You’re a secret and that means you’ve been denied the basic right to exist where he’s concerned. It doesn’t matter what he says. None of it matters. Not buying the typical MM script doesn’t make you uncaring, impatient, or unrealistic. It makes you sane and worthy of self-respect. Keep in mind MM have to love bomb much harder to find a woman willing to settle for this role. It’s not the real him you’re seeing, even if it has been six years. Deep down you know that despite trying to be understanding, you know he hasn’t chosen you and won’t get divorced if you cut him off. Let him go. He’s not a prize. He has you exactly where he wants you and every time you take him back gives him more power. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 8, 2023 Share Posted June 8, 2023 17 hours ago, SideChick23 said: 10 hours ago, SideChick23 said: I am not going anywhere near the wife. That was a fleeting thought. I just need to focus on me. Right now I am a rainbow of emotions. I am very fortunate he’s out of the country, so I have time to work through this without the added distraction of him possibly being around. 6 years is a long time to be with someone, even as an affair. I go from sad to mad to everything in between. I have made the decision to block him and move on. Too much hurt for me to continue. I am just preparing for him to find a way to reach out. I want my head straight to say NO. This group has been very helpful because I get some tough love when I waiver. It’s been so good for my heart. I appreciate all of you. 10 hours ago, SideChick23 said: I am not going anywhere near the wife. That was a fleeting thought. I just need to focus on me. Agree. Someone may have already mentioned it but have a practical means of being prepared and busy when he returns. Having the resolve is step 1. What are you actually doing about it? You’ve blocked him but can he still reach out through other means? No doubt he may feel insulted and push to contact you through other ways. If he does manage to contact you again how will you respond or not? Ignore and block again? In times when you miss him or feel lonely do you have someone you can talk to? Look at local support groups or perhaps get in touch with a therapist and have that option should you feel you need it. Have a vision of how you see yourself moving on and engage in another support system, hobbies and interests. For ie, when you’re feeling lonely, talk to friends, family, make new friends in your community. End the isolation. Blocking is fine but a six year relationship like this won’t likely be easy to completely block out and move on. Have contingency plans for when you feel lonely and a bit weak in resolve and be prepared for the very low moments. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SideChick23 Posted June 8, 2023 Author Share Posted June 8, 2023 18 minutes ago, glows said: Blocking is fine but a six year relationship like this won’t likely be easy to completely block out and move on. Have contingency plans for when you feel lonely and a bit weak in resolve and be prepared for the very low moments. This is where I’m struggling. The contingency plan. I’ve reached the mad stage. I’m just so mad about everything. I’ve got a few more days left of him gone. This has made it so much easier to navigate because I know he can’t reach out. Blocking was a good start for me. I can hope all I want that he will just get the hint and move on, but in reality that is not true. I want the cycle broken. I want to move on and not have him in my life. It’s going to be tough and I know it. I just have to stay strong and firm. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 8, 2023 Share Posted June 8, 2023 21 minutes ago, SideChick23 said: This is where I’m struggling. The contingency plan. I’ve reached the mad stage. I’m just so mad about everything. I’ve got a few more days left of him gone. This has made it so much easier to navigate because I know he can’t reach out. Blocking was a good start for me. I can hope all I want that he will just get the hint and move on, but in reality that is not true. I want the cycle broken. I want to move on and not have him in my life. It’s going to be tough and I know it. I just have to stay strong and firm. Stay strong and firm and help yourself with added support. Friends are wonderful but they have their own lives. I found having various support groups in the community helpful. I don’t exactly know what kept you in this relationship but when I was leaving a marriage what kept me there longer than than I wanted was because I felt obligated to my faith/beliefs and my family. When the marriage ended those ideals, long-held beliefs no longer worked. They had to transform as I was going through a transformation in my own life. You may not know why you’ve been in this for so long or are figuring it out but chances are you’ve been unhappy with the way things have been for quite some time. I dove straight into revamping everything I once thought was right or true and sought out support groups in my community to figure out why I had made the decisions I did back then. It’s all a journey and we don’t have to have all the answers but we can just say we are a work in progress. I would want to know if I were in your position what led to this and what needs to change in beliefs and mindset. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted June 8, 2023 Share Posted June 8, 2023 56 minutes ago, SideChick23 said: This is where I’m struggling. The contingency plan. I’ve reached the mad stage. I’m just so mad about everything. I’ve got a few more days left of him gone. This has made it so much easier to navigate because I know he can’t reach out. Blocking was a good start for me. I can hope all I want that he will just get the hint and move on, but in reality that is not true. I want the cycle broken. I want to move on and not have him in my life. It’s going to be tough and I know it. I just have to stay strong and firm. If you have the strength it could be advisable to end the relationship explicitely (and then block him). Blocking is a good second choice if you can't face him or if you're afraid he might challenge your decision and you're not frm enough. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 8, 2023 Share Posted June 8, 2023 3 hours ago, SideChick23 said: This has made it so much easier to navigate because I know he can’t reach out. Of course he can reach out. It only takes 10 seconds or less to send a text. He could do that in the bathroom. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 11, 2023 Share Posted June 11, 2023 On 6/4/2023 at 6:25 AM, SideChick23 said: I really appreciate your words. You are so insightful and right. I have never asked him to leave her for me. That’s something he needs to do for himself. Sometimes I feel like I’m making it too easy on him. I don’t do ultimatums. I just express my frustrations. Where my thought process is today is that he might love me, but if he truly loved me, we would have been together full time by now. And while it’s not my place, I feel if he really loved his wife, he wouldn’t have cheated on her for 6 years. It’s like he’s robbing both of us from the chance to be with someone who truly loves us and it’s so selfish. Then ask him to leave her! And give him a deadline of one week - if he hasn’t left - end ALL communication with him knowing full well he has no intention of leaving her! quit short changing yourself/your life/your future!!! you deserve better! be demanding or end it - or both! You need an decision/answer now! Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 11, 2023 Share Posted June 11, 2023 On 6/8/2023 at 5:58 AM, SideChick23 said: This is where I’m struggling. The contingency plan. I’ve reached the mad stage. I’m just so mad about everything. I’ve got a few more days left of him gone. This has made it so much easier to navigate because I know he can’t reach out. Blocking was a good start for me. I can hope all I want that he will just get the hint and move on, but in reality that is not true. I want the cycle broken. I want to move on and not have him in my life. It’s going to be tough and I know it. I just have to stay strong and firm. He CAN reach out to you - he just chooses not to. this is his time with his wife - he’s making that clear by not texting you (which takes 5 seconds ). proof he puts you at a very low priority. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SideChick23 Posted June 11, 2023 Author Share Posted June 11, 2023 15 minutes ago, S2B said: He CAN reach out to you - he just chooses not to. this is his time with his wife - he’s making that clear by not texting you (which takes 5 seconds ). proof he puts you at a very low priority. He’s out of the country. Yes it takes 5 seconds, but more than likely the phone is off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SideChick23 Posted June 11, 2023 Author Share Posted June 11, 2023 18 minutes ago, S2B said: Then ask him to leave her! And give him a deadline of one week - if he hasn’t left - end ALL communication with him knowing full well he has no intention of leaving her! quit short changing yourself/your life/your future!!! you deserve better! be demanding or end it - or both! You need an decision/answer now! I have blocked him and hope he doesn’t reach out. If he does, then I am going to ask him to leave her. Whether he says yes or no, he will not be entertained after that. I can’t go into the future if the past is getting in the way. The ship of him has sailed. I deserve more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 12, 2023 Share Posted June 12, 2023 (edited) 2 hours ago, SideChick23 said: If he does, then I am going to ask him to leave her. You have no right to do that. He has a wife, and a child - they are a family. Is this really who you are - the woman who demands by an ultimatum that he breakup his family? Isn’t it just a little humiliating - having to ask the man you are dating to leave his wife and chose you after six years? If a man doesn’t chose to be with you, that says a lot. Just remember - yes does not necessarily mean yes. I mean, he has been saying “yes, but” for six years now… He may well say the words you long to hear and then give you a laundry list of reasons why he has to delay… again, how long are you prepared to wait for this prize? This, to me, says you have not figured it out yet. You are not done wasting your time with this man. Good luck. Edited June 12, 2023 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SideChick23 Posted June 12, 2023 Author Share Posted June 12, 2023 24 minutes ago, BaileyB said: This, to me, says you have not figured it out yet. You are not done wasting your time with this man. Good luck. I was trying to find the humor in it. I have ZERO plans on ever speaking to him again. I’ve been humiliated enough over the last six years. I certainly wouldn’t give him the upper hand in continuing to do it. I am very much done wasting my time on him. I’ve already wasted so much already. This time is about me. I am making positive steps in the right direction. I went away this weekend and shut the phone off. I am planning a girls trip for the fall. I’m looking into some fun cooking classes. I am gonna stumble, but I’m trying to build a life without him. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 12, 2023 Share Posted June 12, 2023 So sorry, I didn’t actually read your last sentence as I was dismayed by your comment that you were going to ask him to leave and distracted by something else. Glad to hear that you remain firm in your resolve. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SideChick23 Posted June 12, 2023 Author Share Posted June 12, 2023 15 minutes ago, BaileyB said: So sorry, I didn’t actually read your last sentence as I was dismayed by your comment that you were going to ask him to leave and distracted by something else. Glad to hear that you remain firm in your resolve. Not a problem at all. You have been incredibly supportive and helpful. I couldn’t ask for anything more. This has been rough and it’s nice to have people who care and are willing to hold the mirror up. I’m not sure how I’d be right now without this group. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 12, 2023 Share Posted June 12, 2023 It’ll get easier the more you practice saying no to unhealthy situations like this. Keep replacing that time you used to spend thinking about him with other things and hobbies. Choose YOU each day and choose all the things and people around you consciously and mindfully. Don’t react anymore to this situation. Life is a series of choices so make an active and mindful choice about how you wish to live from now on. Over time this becomes like a muscle and you’ll grow stronger and more firm in what you believe or how you wish to live, what to say yes to and what to say no to without compromising yourself. Keep on doing what you’re doing and keep exploring, get out of this rut. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 12, 2023 Share Posted June 12, 2023 4 hours ago, SideChick23 said: . I went away this weekend and shut the phone off. I’m trying to build a life without him. It's great you are taking steps to rebuild your life. Perhaps this vacation with his wife and family served as a stimulus for that. Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. This way you don't have to worry about him contacting you or turn your phone off. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted June 12, 2023 Share Posted June 12, 2023 8 hours ago, SideChick23 said: I have blocked him and hope he doesn’t reach out. If he does, then I am going to ask him to leave her. Why? You can never trust his word no matter what he says. He might agree to leave her but will come up with excuses down the line on why he can't leave 'just yet'. He has played you for a fool for 6 years. Don't ask him to leave his wife and child because he never will. End this once and for all. Link to post Share on other sites
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