Tired, so tired

[SideChick23]

We’ve been together 6 years. We’ve had some ups and downs, but have been really strong and in a good place. MM says he can leave yet because he doesn’t want to risk losing their son (cliché, I know) and there are cracks in his marriage, with them more like roommates (another cliché). Separate bedrooms and acting to family/friends like all is fine. 
 

He drops on me Tuesday that his in-laws surprised them with a trip to the Caribbean, leaving today. I of course freak out and say our relationship won’t survive this trip because I cannot take being second choice anymore. I also said he clearly didn’t love me because he knew I’d be upset by the trip. He said he clearly did care about my feelings and love me because as soon as he found out, he called to tell me. 
 

I just don’t know what to do anymore. We have something special, but I am ready and have been ready for more. He just keeps telling me to be patient. We had the fight on Tuesday and haven’t spoken since then and now we won’t even have the chance until he returns in a week. Do I assume we’ve broken up? Will he reach out when he comes back? Do I move on? Do I put my hands in fate and let whatever will be to be?

I’m just lost and hurt. 

[basil67]

A surprise trip which he only just found out about that day?  You can't seriously believe this.  Trips away take planning such as clearing appointments and applying for leave.  He would have known about it for quite a while.   

Anyway, he's made it very clear that he's not leaving his marriage, so it's kind of delusional to think he'd miss out on his trip.  And yes, sleep in the same bed as his wife.  Being patient for a man who says he's got no intention of leaving is such a monumental waste of your time.  

It's probably not over.  He'll return and one of you will reach out and things will continue as they are.  Unless of course, you choose to block him while he's gone and start living a full life without him.

 

 

Edited June 4, 2023 by basil67

[SideChick23]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

A surprise trip which he only just found out about that day?  You can't seriously believe this.  Trips away take planning such as clearing appointments and applying for leave.   He would  have known about it for quite a while.  

 

 

His friend asked him to go about 2 months ago and he said he wasn’t making a decision and would let me know when he knew. I guess they got with his wife and the in-laws surprised him. His job is really good with time off, but I’m also skeptical of him knowing last minute. 
 

Like I said in my original post, I’m just so tired. My heart and my brain are at war. I see the red flags, but my heart can’t let him go. 

[basil67]

Sounds like your brain needs to give your heart a good talking to 😜   When anger or annoyance take over from your heart, you will find the strength.

And it really doesn't make any sense at all that an adult with responsibilities can drop everything to go away without notice.

Edited June 4, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, SideChick23 said:

.  now we won’t even have the chance until he returns in a week. 

Sorry this is happening. Please consider this a vacation for yourself.  Time away from the lies and pain so you can reflect in peace without all his gaslighting.

Take this time to find a qualified therapist for ongoing support. You could begin to unpack and sort out why you agreed to this painful, frustrating arrangement.

Since affairs are secretive and isolating, you'll be able to frankly discuss your feelings. Without hiding your life from people who you're ashamed to admit the truth to.

Research "cognitive dissonance". It's what you are describing with the mind/heart conflict. It's when the truth is so awful, your mind tries to wrap itself around it by staying in denial and believing his lies.

Edited June 4, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Will am I]

4 hours ago, SideChick23 said:

We’ve been together 6 years. 

Six years of being the OW, six years of disappearing whenever his wife appears, six years of being second choice, six years of being lied to with all the cliches. 

Think of this week as an opportunity for a better life.

 

[SideChick23]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Since affairs are secretive and isolating, you'll be able to frankly discuss your feelings. Without hiding your life from people who you're ashamed to admit the truth to.

You hit the nail on the head. I feel very secretive and isolated. I just want to cry it all out without judgement, which is why I’m glad I found this site. I want to say the words out loud. Im very hurt. 

[SideChick23]

3 hours ago, Will am I said:

Six years of being the OW, six years of disappearing whenever his wife appears, six years of being second choice, six years of being lied to with all the cliches. 

Think of this week as an opportunity for a better life.

 

Thank you. You are 100% correct on this. Six years of thinking it will change, but having the fear of: was I patient enough? Is our time finally here? Will it finally just be us?

This is such a huge letdown. The sad part is I know better and know this isn’t going to work out, but my heart still holds out hope.  

[glows]

It takes a ridiculous amount of force to destroy a marriage or cause a divorce because it usually involves multiple people even if the couple doesn’t have kids. It’s likely family ties shift or are ruptured in the process of separation and divorce. He has a son and unlikely he’ll leave if he’s afraid of “losing” him. 

Is there any particular reason why you’re continuing to stay in contact? I’m puzzled why you’re okay dating a man who lives with another woman but not okay with them taking just a one week vacation together. Isn’t it the same anyway? It’s only one week and he says he’s in a sexless or unromantic marriage with his wife. Why do you feel threatened by just one week? Whether he’s on vacation or in town he’s still living with another woman.

[SideChick23]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

Is there any particular reason why you’re continuing to stay in contact? I’m puzzled why you’re okay dating a man who lives with another woman but not okay with them taking just a one week vacation together. Isn’t it the same anyway? It’s only one week and he says he’s in a sexless or unromantic marriage with his wife. Why do you feel threatened by just one week? Whether he’s on vacation or in town he’s still living with another woman.

I’m not ok with either. I’m tired of hearing “im a private person. My friends and family don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.” I’m not buying that they are as unhappy as he is claiming. I’ve said many times his words aren’t matching his actions. But then the other part of me thinks he right. Look at all these murder new stories. Extreme I know, but most looked like the “perfect couple” probably because no one really does know what goes on behind closed doors. It could just be a front. He tells me if his marriage was good, then there wouldn’t be me. 

I’m very confused. 

[glows]

1 minute ago, SideChick23 said:

I’m not ok with either. I’m tired of hearing “im a private person. My friends and family don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.” I’m not buying that they are as unhappy as he is claiming. I’ve said many times his words aren’t matching his actions. But then the other part of me thinks he right. Look at all these murder new stories. Extreme I know, but most looked like the “perfect couple” probably because no one really does know what goes on behind closed doors. It could just be a front. He tells me if his marriage was good, then there wouldn’t be me. 

I’m very confused. 

It’s probably multi-layered. Think of it like an onion. It’s not always the same everyday and everyday there may be multiple emotions or a mix. There’s a high likelihood some days are good and some aren’t so good. They also have history and shared family, in-laws etc. Breaking up the family means impacting many people especially his son and relationship with his son.

You’ve walked into a jungle you may not have been familiar with and it’s turning out to be more of a lion’s den, feeling eaten up by isolation, resentment, frustration. This isn’t a battle you can win and convincing anyone to leave their wife or family is usually a very painful and futile process. The choice comes from him and if he can’t do it on his own it’s unlikely to happen at all. 

You’ve given up a lot of your life. This is less about him than it is about you. Your life is the only thing you’re really in charge of here.

[SideChick23]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

You’ve given up a lot of your life. This is less about him than it is about you. Your life is the only thing you’re really in charge of here.

I really appreciate your words. You are so insightful and right. I have never asked him to leave her for me. That’s something he needs to do for himself. Sometimes I feel like I’m making it too easy on him. I don’t do ultimatums. I just express my frustrations.

Where my thought process is today is that he might love me, but if he truly loved me, we would have been together full time by now. And while it’s not my place, I feel if he really loved his wife, he wouldn’t have cheated on her  for 6 years. It’s like he’s robbing both of us from the chance to be with someone who truly loves us and it’s so selfish. 

[Will am I]

1 hour ago, SideChick23 said:

Six years of thinking it will change, but having the fear of: was I patient enough?

You were patient enough. Too patient  actually.

[glows]

4 minutes ago, SideChick23 said:

I really appreciate your words. You are so insightful and right. I have never asked him to leave her for me. That’s something he needs to do for himself. Sometimes I feel like I’m making it too easy on him. I don’t do ultimatums. I just express my frustrations.

Where my thought process is today is that he might love me, but if he truly loved me, we would have been together full time by now. And while it’s not my place, I feel if he really loved his wife, he wouldn’t have cheated on her  for 6 years. It’s like he’s robbing both of us from the chance to be with someone who truly loves us and it’s so selfish. 

He knows you’ll still stick around though even though you are frustrated. I agree it’s selfish. Yet another question for you - why see yourself with a selfish person?

Can you actually imagine a life with a selfish person like this? You’re married or living together and he leaves unexpectedly or his stories don’t seem to add up while he meets other women. Do you really see yourself as the next wife for ie and would you take the risk (knowing how selfish he is) for your well-being and even physical health (stds)? 

[BaileyB]

Six years is a really long time. And let’s be honest, he would prefer that you waste more of your time and more of your life… That’s not love. That’s actually a very hurtful thing to do. It’s very unkind of him to ask/expect you to put your life on hold this way. If he truly loved you, he would not ask you to sacrifice your happiness and joy - he would set you free to find love and a life that would bring you joy. 

When I ready your post, I see a conflict avoidant man - the trip is not his fault, it was sprung on him by family so he has to go… He stays in a loveless marriage for the sake of his son even though he loves and wants to be with another woman… 

People divorce every. single. day.  Parent share custody of their children who adapt and go on to become fully functioning, emotionally healthy people. 

Selfish. He stays in his marriage for his own selfish reasons. He keeps you around for six years with a series of false promises for his own selfish reasons. He’s travelling with his family in the Caribbean right now because selfishly, he wanted to go on the vacation to the Caribbean. 

9 hours ago, SideChick23 said:

Do I assume we’ve broken up? Will he reach out when he comes back? Do I move on? Do I put my hands in fate and let whatever will be to be?

That depends, are you a passive, conflict avoidant person like your affair partner - in which case, wait to see what he decides to do when he gets back or leave it up to fate. If you are sad and lonely, if you are tired of waiting, then I would send him a short email simply telling him that I was moving on and not to contact me again. And I would block him.

Nobody can save you here but yourself. Nobody can create a life that brings you happiness and joy but yourself. You have been looking to this man, waiting for this man, to do it for a really long time and look where it’s got you. My humble opinion, it’s time to put your big girl pants on and end this relationship. Happiness if out there is you have the courage to go and find it…

Edited June 4, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, SideChick23 said:

if he truly loved me, we would have been together full time by now.

If he truly loved you, he would never have asked you to subjugate yourself in this way. He would never have wasted your time and asked you to sacrifice your own life in this way. 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, SideChick23 said:

The sad part is I know better and know this isn’t going to work out, but my heart still holds out hope.  

I’d argue you’re in this affair specifically because you know it won’t work out. Choosing situations that are destined to fail is a defense mechanism. So when the inevitable occurs, you don’t blame yourself. You can blame him. At the crux of it is your own lack of self worth. You don’t believe you’re worthy of being loved. 

[BaileyB]

59 minutes ago, SideChick23 said:

I’ve said many times his words aren’t matching his actions.

When his words don’t match his actions, you pay attention to his actions. Words are easy and they mean nothing. Actions tell you his true intention - and the fact that he is currently vacationing his wife his family tells you all you need to know about his loyalty and which relationship he values more. 

Similarly, when your heart battles with your brain - listen to your brain. This who follow their heart and not their brain tend to get themselves into a world of hurt, more often than not…

59 minutes ago, SideChick23 said:

He tells me if his marriage was good, then there wouldn’t be me. 

Not true. MANY men prefer to live with both the comfort of marriage AND the adoration of an affair partner. 

Besides, think about what he is saying… the fact that you exist has essentially enabled him to stay in a bad marriage. If it is truly as he says, the attention, affection, and sex that you have provided for the last six years  has made the intolerable tolerable.

You want him to make a decision - you leave him. If he is truly unhappy, he will make the decision to leave. You stay, he has no incentive to leave. 

45 minutes ago, SideChick23 said:

It’s like he’s robbing both of us from the chance to be with someone who truly loves us and it’s so selfish. 

Absolutely. Like a casino, this situation is set up such that the house always wins. He is the house - this situation is set up such that it benefits him, and only him. She may have his children and his home - but she lacks the decency of respect and honesty. You get whatever attention and affection he can offer but you don’t have the man… He holds all the cards, but you keep playing hoping that someday you will be the big winner…

Edited June 4, 2023 by BaileyB

[SideChick23]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Absolutely. Like a casino, this situation is set up such that the house always wins. He is the house - this situation is set up such that it benefits him, and only him. She may have his children and his home - but she lacks the decency of respect and honesty. You get whatever attention and affection he can offer but you don’t have the man… He holds all the cards, but you keep playing hoping that someday you will be the big winner…

This is probably the best explanation I have read so far. You are so beyond right. I know I have no right to say this, but I am also feeling bad for his wife. Whether she knows about us or not, he’s robbing her at the chance of someone loving her properly too. 
 

I need to use this week to figure out what I really want. This is clearly not working as it is. I’m entitled to more and so much more. I do love him, but I think him and I have a different definition of love. 

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, SideChick23 said:

This is clearly not working as it is.

Except, it has worked for six years. I say that it has worked because you have stayed. What is different now such that you have decided that it’s no longer working for you? 

I mean, if the past predicts the future, he is likely to return home and complain to you about how difficult the Caribbean vacation was with his family. He is likely to offer a few platitudes and empty promises… and you will fall back into the same place you have been for the past six years. 

How many more years are you prepared to spend waiting? Years that you could spend with a man who loves and respects you. Years that you could spend with a man who wants to build a family and a future with you? 

Because, this man that you have chosen is not available. 

It’s the very famous quote from Maya Angelou - “when people show you who they are, believe them.” He’s had six years to change his circumstance and he’s done nothing. Do you think this man who you know to be dishonest, untrustworthy, and unfaithful is suddenly going to become an honest, upstanding, faithful man of good character once his divorce papers are signed? This man who has carried on a secretive double life for the past six years? 

5 hours ago, SideChick23 said:

I’m entitled to more and so much more.

Kindly, you are not entitled to anything. None of us are entitled to anything in this life - certainly not as it relates to relationship. No doubt, he wife feels as his chosen partner and mother of his children that she is entitled to be treated with respect and dignity - boy, did she get that wrong. 

What makes you think it would be any different for you? 

You get what you are willing to accept. If you are willing to accept a side relationship with a married man - that is what you will get. If you are willing to accept his lies and empty promises - that’s what you will get. If you don’t like it -  you will need to stop accepting this kind of disrespect. You will need to choose something different for yourself. 

Edited June 4, 2023 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, SideChick23 said:

I’m entitled to more and so much more. I do love him, but I think him and I have a different definition of love. 

See this is a matter of  entitlement on your part.  Fact is, you are not entitled to this womans husband just because you love him.  You are entitled to go out and find a free man to start a life with and be happy.   He will probably come back and tell you how awful his vacation with her was for him.  Truth is if things were as bad in his marriage as he says there would be no desire from either of them to go on vacay together.  They are probably living it up and enjoying themselves and that includes sex.  MM involved in affairs lie.  They have to.

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Fact is, you are not entitled to this womans husband just because you love him. 

Absolutely true.

You are most definitely not entitled to another woman’s husband because you love him. You are not even entitled to another woman’s husband because he has told you that he loves you (and not his wife) - 

She is his wife and she is a human being. As such, she should be entitled to some kind of respect from both of you. 

Why you would want a man who is capable of lying to a woman and hurting BOTH of you this way is beyond me…

 

Edited June 4, 2023 by BaileyB

[basil67]

Indeed.  The only person who is entitled to better treatment here is this guy's wife.  

Your situation of playing second fiddle to her is one you have chosen for yourself

[SideChick23]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Indeed.  The only person who is entitled to better treatment here is this guy's wife.  

Your situation of playing second fiddle to her is one you have chosen for yourself

Do I fess up to her or just hold my head high and walk away? Part of me feels she should know what I’ve done the last 6 years because I would want to know, but the other part of me feels like I’ve meddled enough. 

[glows]

Just walk away. Talk to a counsellor if you need to unload feelings. Stay away from this guy and his family. You’ll thank yourself later.