Tired, so tired

[basil67]

I believe that if anyone is to tell her, it should be her husband.   And from a practical point of view, heaven knows what kind of drama she may unleash in your direction if you get directly involved with her.  

In your shoes, I'd just block him and walk away without even a goodbye.

 

Edited June 4, 2023 by basil67

[SideChick23]

I know you are all strangers, but I’ve isolated myself with this. What do I do? What would you do? 

[BaileyB]

I think your focus right now should be on yourself - for once. Not him, as it has been for the past six years. And not his wife. You.

It’s not going to easy to change the thought and behavior patterns that you’ve been living for the past six years. It’s going to take effort to change the path of your life and build a better future for yourself. I don’t think you do yourself any favours by continuing to focus on this married man and his wife if your goal is to move on and created a life that will bring you joy. 

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, SideChick23 said:

What do I do? What would you do? 

I would do three things - 

I would find myself a good counsellor, if you haven’t done so already. 

I would confide in a good friend or family member to bring this to the light and keep myself accountable.

I would block him every way that I could. 

[glows]

Yes, focus on yourself. What are all the things you wish to do but haven’t done yet?

[SideChick23]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

I would confide in a good friend or family member to bring this to the light and keep myself accountable.

Should I tell my family or just close the chapter totally and move on? I think a counselor is a good idea. 

[SideChick23]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Yes, focus on yourself. What are all the things you wish to do but haven’t done yet?

I want have someone for me. I want to be loved and see the world with a real partner. I want to be someone’s first choice. I want to roll over at night and have my rock next to me. 

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, SideChick23 said:

I know you are all strangers, but I’ve isolated myself with this. What do I do? What would you do? 

In your situation, I'd want better for myself.  I'd want a man who is not only available, but also someone who is honest.    He's lying about the holiday, he's likely lying about the state of the marriage to you and he's lying to his wife.   You may believe you love him, but how can you really love someone who selfishly lies and strings you along like this?

Instead of feeling confused, sad and disappointed, it's time to let anger into your feelings.

And yes, counselling is a good idea

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, SideChick23 said:

Should I tell my family or just close the chapter totally and move on? I think a counselor is a good idea. 

Do you need the support? Or can you do this on your own with the support of a counsellor? 

Only you can decide. 

There are lots of women who go to counselling and continue in their affair. If that’s the case, I would gather more support and make yourself accountable to others. That is my suggestion.

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, SideChick23 said:

I want have someone for me. I want to be loved and see the world with a real partner. I want to be someone’s first choice. I want to roll over at night and have my rock next to me. 

Well then, there is no time to waste in searching for your life partner. Six years is a crazy long time to invest in a relationship that has not progressed - married or not! 
 

Edited June 4, 2023 by BaileyB

[SideChick23]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

it's time to let anger into your feelings.

The anger is right there on the surface. I cannot believe I’ve allowed this to go on for so long. I’m disappointed in myself. 

[SideChick23]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:Six years is a crazy long time to invest in a relationship that has not progressed - married or not! 
 

And I’ve known this for a long time. I think this trip was my final straw. I was so mad that my feelings weren’t taken into consideration and him knowing I would not be happy about it. He justified it by saying he told me as soon as he knew. Like that was supposed to make it all better. He also said when he goes on solo trips, I’m the one who is always with him. I’m just so mad. 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, SideChick23 said:

 Part of me feels she should know what I’ve done the last 6 years 

Please don't. He's not going to leave her even if you generate turmoil. He'll depict you as a Fatal Attraction case.  He'll lie to her just as he lies to you. "It was nothing, etc." 

Take this time to explore why you went down this dark road. Heal yourself. That's a win-win situation for you and your future.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

You are merely his mistress and I am not sure he will ever divorce his wife with a son they share.  Please, Focus on you and perhaps find someone who is more available.  Your heart is hurting.  It has been going 😦on way too long.

[pepperbird2]

19 hours ago, SideChick23 said:

We’ve been together 6 years. We’ve had some ups and downs, but have been really strong and in a good place. MM says he can leave yet because he doesn’t want to risk losing their son (cliché, I know) and there are cracks in his marriage, with them more like roommates (another cliché). Separate bedrooms and acting to family/friends like all is fine. 
 

He drops on me Tuesday that his in-laws surprised them with a trip to the Caribbean, leaving today. I of course freak out and say our relationship won’t survive this trip because I cannot take being second choice anymore. I also said he clearly didn’t love me because he knew I’d be upset by the trip. He said he clearly did care about my feelings and love me because as soon as he found out, he called to tell me. 
 

I just don’t know what to do anymore. We have something special, but I am ready and have been ready for more. He just keeps telling me to be patient. We had the fight on Tuesday and haven’t spoken since then and now we won’t even have the chance until he returns in a week. Do I assume we’ve broken up? Will he reach out when he comes back? Do I move on? Do I put my hands in fate and let whatever will be to be?

I’m just lost and hurt. 

Why are you giving this jackass so much control over your emotional life? Stop that!

[SideChick23]

Just now, pepperbird2 said:

Why are you giving this jackass so much control over your emotional life? Stop that!

I’m working on it.  

[pepperbird2]

11 hours ago, SideChick23 said:

You hit the nail on the head. I feel very secretive and isolated. I just want to cry it all out without judgement, which is why I’m glad I found this site. I want to say the words out loud. Im very hurt. 

Op, after this many years, you need to stop blaming this guy for your pain. That’s giving away your power.

I know this will sound harsh, but please give it some consideration. 
 

He hurts you because you allow him to. Every time you make excuses, accept his “ reasons” or settle for less, you add another bar to your cage. the on,y one keeping you in this heartache is you, You can kick him to the curb, you can start your life anew. You can  find a good and healthy relationship.  You have lots to offer.

 

As for hoping he’ll change? Well, if you want to know who and what he is, put yourself in his wife’s shoes. He’s likely lying to her as well-it’s whst he does. Somewhere along the line, he’s decided that it’s okay to hurt at least two women. It’s okay to cause hurt to his child. It’s okay to lie to you, to his wife, to everyone else. 

in his ,mind, he’s special and that the  normal rules of decent behaviour don’t apply

[pepperbird2]

7 minutes ago, SideChick23 said:

I’m working on it.  

Good. It sounds like you have a lot to offer.don’t waste your precious emotional energy on someone who doesn’t deserve it. 

[SideChick23]

6 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

You have lots to offer.

Thank you for this. Seriously. I feel like I have a lot to offer and so much love to give. I want someone who is proud to have me on their arm and says their life is that much better because I’m in it. Not someone who hides me like they are ashamed. 

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, SideChick23 said:

Do I assume we’ve broken up? Will he reach out when he comes back? Do I move on? Do I put my hands in fate and let whatever will be to be?

Have you made your choice yet of the above options?  What are you going  to do?

[SideChick23]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Have you made your choice yet of the above options?  What are you going  to do?

I’ve already blocked him on my phone. I think he will still find a way to reach out or he will get the hint and move on to the next affair. I’ve got to break the 6 year cycle and it starts today. It’s about me and my needs. No longer about him. I’m sure I’ll struggle, but at the end of the day, it’s my life. 

[BaileyB]

53 minutes ago, SideChick23 said:

I’m sure I’ll struggle, but at the end of the day, it’s my life.

It is your life.

It’s your decision.

It’s your responsibility to build the life that will make you happy. 

I suggest you make some contingencies to help you for the times that you struggle. Is there a time of day that you text him? Go to the gym. Is there a certain day that you usually meet - make plans with another friend. What about the times you want to talk to him - buy a journal and write. You hear what I’m saying… create a dream board and put pictures up of the places you want to go and the life that you want to have with your husband. 

You can talk with your counsellor about what got you here and why you chose this for yourself - but spend more time focusing on the things that make you happy and building the life that you want for yourself in the future… 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, SideChick23 said:

And I’ve known this for a long time. I think this trip was my final straw. I was so mad that my feelings weren’t taken into consideration and him knowing I would not be happy about it. 

 Did you really think he could/should/would refuse to go on the vacation because you'd be hurt?   I feel like your expectations from a married man were more than a little unrealistic. 

I'm glad to see you aiming for the kind of relationship where you will be part of the vacation with someone you love.

[Luna66star]

I don't  mean to be critical of you personally but why are you wasting your precious life on a liar?  There are millions of other men in the 🌎 world.  This dude is hardly worth it.  Of you two were soul mates, he would have divorced and been with you.  Cowardly men don't leave even if unhappy.  Many couples go through hard times, it's part of marriage.  They have too much to lose - family, finances, respect from the community, children (like you said his son).  

It's a losing battle.  Look,  you have lost 6 yrs of your life for a jerk who has nothing to give you but empty promises. 

Please start a new life and start datin single men.  You're tired of this - take action and forget about grieving. Forgive yourself for making a poor choice and move on today!!

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, SideChick23 said:

. I think he will still find a way to reach out.

Perhaps him going on vacation with his wife and family is the wakeup call you needed to start to break free and get your life back in order. Perhaps the thought of you sitting home alone isolated and in pain, while he's laughing, having fun and enjoying life with his wife and family will be enough inspiration for you to make the changes you need.