I'm becoming the other woman- I know I'm going to get hurt

[NuevoYorko]

A couple more things and then I'm out - honestly, it seems pretty clear that you are going to do the dirty deed with this guy and you're here as part of the excitement buildup.  It's pretty common on these boards.  Just in case you really might think twice and block/ delete / look forward, here are my last 2 points:

1)  Having an affair is not different than shoplifting or other stealing.  You just break the law and take something that is in front of you because you WANT IT.  Maybe you won't get caught, but it will change you when you do it.  Not for the better.  I've done it.  I remember the exact moment that the decision was made.  Also as a kid I shoplifted, and got busted.  So I know what I'm talking about.  😆  Seriously, it took me a long time to get back to my OWN moral standards and I still have not regained all my self respect.  The shoplifting and the affair were both 100% bad moves with NO positive memories attached.  Hot person, explosive sex, and ZERO good memories.  In fact,  when I think of it,  I literally inwardly cringe.  Face to face with the ugliest part of myself.

2)  Look forward.  The story about the place this (evident) loser holds in your life is pretty sad.  You worked in a bar and he was a customer who tried to date you.  That is something to be left in the past where it belongs.  Not healthy to hang a bunch of meaningful emotions, hopes, fantasies on that.  Look ahead for better opportunities.   That's where they are - AHEAD. They might be elusive, but they definitely are not to be found back there.    I realize you feel like you've missed all the boats but you have not;  however, you are absolutely guaranteeing the loss of untold opportunities if you take the plunge backwards to when you worked in a bar and some guy drinking there was nice and asked you out.  

Even though you've been clear about your absolute disregard for his family, you really need to face the fact that you will NOT get anything but - at best - drama out of this.  And at this point, it actually sounds like the drama is part of what you are clutching at - which leads me to believe that you have emptiness in your life that can't and won't be resolved by whatever scraps and gropes you manage to get off of this busy fellow.   You've said that you take excellent care of yourself in all ways but I think you might want to scrutinize that a bit - the moves you are making now belie that statement.

Ok - I'm out.  Take care.  

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I did think maybe if we met up once & got it out our systems it may be enough but I think that’s naive tbh. 

Very, yes. 

You are going to feel even worse if he sleeps with you then goes home to his wife - and still doesn't want to be with you. It's not about getting it out of your systerm. It's about making choices that serve to undermine your self-esteem and self-respect even further. 

It will be a very lonely and painful place for you. 

 

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I know that might sound weird but I’m so scared & ashamed to try to explain it to people in my life. 

This isn't weird at all. 

It's self protection.  It's about avoiding shame. Making sure that those who you care about won't think badly of you or judge you openly or behind your back.  Deep down, it's about knowing that if you choose to sleep with him, your participation in this is indefensible. 

Talking to us is so much easier because we're strangers and you don't have to face us.

 

 

Edited July 26, 2022 by basil67

[Amitheotherwoman]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This isn't weird at all. 

It's self protection.  It's about avoiding shame. Making sure that those who you care about won't think badly of you or judge you openly or behind your back.  Deep down, it's about knowing that if you choose to sleep with him, your participation in this is indefensible. 

Talking to us is so much easier because we're strangers and you don't have to face us.

 

 

Yes that’s exactly it. It does feel better being able to discuss it. Somethings people have said I’ve found quite harsh but on the whole I think it’s actually helpful to be challenged & basically it’s what I needed.

[Will am I]

8 hours ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I really appreciate everyone’s comments. Can’t tell you how helpful it is to talk this out with people I don’t know. I know that might sound weird but I’m so scared & ashamed to try to explain it to people in my life. 

Verbalizing your innermost thoughts and feelings is already very powerful.

Mirroring with others can really help you straighten out your thoughts. The comments most helpful are the ones calling you out about inconsistencies between your plans and expectations.

And yes, it’s easier to start talking in the relative anonymity of the internet. I started talking here before I confided with friends.

[ExpatInItaly]

33 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

 I think it’s actually helpful to be challenged & basically it’s what I needed.

Indeed. That's what helps us make better decisions. 

We're not challenging you, really. We're giving a voice to your inner moral compass that you've been drowning out the last few weeks in favour of sweet nothings. You know deep-down that this isn't right and you shouldn't be doing it. Challenging you would suggest you don't actually see the problem with your behaviour here, but you do. 

Ask yourself this: what are you going to do if his wife finds out and he cuts you off cold-turkey? That's a definite risk. OW often get tossed aside without a second thought. He'll just go back into his marriage and you will be left out to dry. Or if she finds out and comes looking for you? Or finds a way to expose you in a more public manner? I've seen that happen, and it's not pretty. 

[Davina1]

I wish you would listen to all the advice here .   You have no idea how hurt you end up if you find you have reel feelings for this guy .  He is going to make you feel like total s*** when he is not available . Us women give it all when we give our hearts and it won’t be reciprocated. He will love bomb you when he is bored or wants a hook up .  I have been there and I didn’t quite cross the line mainly thanks to the people on here . And let me tell you when I said no more really I don’t think he cared that much .  He had everything he wanted at home so this was just a side dish . A year on I am still hurt and think about it all the time . Does he ? Not a chance .   

[Will am I]

Positive perspective: OP is here, actively engaging in the conversation. If she really wanted to chase the MM and be his OW, she would have disliked the criticism and probably she would have left the conversation on this forum.

 

@Amitheotherwoman

Your posts suggest that you don't actually want to go down the path of an affair, but there seem to be feelings that make it hard to let go. Are you open to exploring what's underneath?

Are you in love with the married man?

Are you insecure about your ability to find another partner?

Do you experience a sense of urgency in getting settled?

 

[Amitheotherwoman]

11 minutes ago, Will am I said:

Positive perspective: OP is here, actively engaging in the conversation. If she really wanted to chase the MM and be his OW, she would have disliked the criticism and probably she would have left the conversation on this forum.

 

@Amitheotherwoman

Your posts suggest that you don't actually want to go down the path of an affair, but there seem to be feelings that make it hard to let go. Are you open to exploring what's underneath?

Are you in love with the married man?

Are you insecure about your ability to find another partner?

Do you experience a sense of urgency in getting settled?

 

As pathetic as it may sound I do need to hear this stuff from others to help give me the strength to do what I know I need to. 
i did just delete our chat which I was struggling to do as I would read it back. 
 

im not in love with him. I don’t know him well enough. I think I love how he makes me feel, when I feel no one else seems to be interested. It makes me feel like I’m someone. God I mean in an awful way does it make me feel worth something that I might be worth the risk? It’s shameful to say that but I’m trying to look at why I’ve gotten here. Maybe that’s part of the allure. Feeling you’re that irresistible. Intelligently I know that’s not the case but I wonder if it adds to the feelings. 
 

im definitely insecure about finding another partner, because I haven’t. Despite all my efforts & self care & doing the right thing… it’s never happened. 

[Will am I]

 

7 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

im definitely insecure about finding another partner, because I haven’t. Despite all my efforts & self care & doing the right thing… it’s never happened. 

So you are approaching this situation with some rationality and intent.

You were at the point where you might have chosen this MM to be your partner, because you want a partner and couldn't find someone else that you liked as much as him. Of course seducing a married man intentionally would have been a selfish thing to do, luckily you backed down from the idea.

 

I find it hard to believe that a woman as intelligent and eloquent as yourself could not attract someone good. 

You mentioned the number 37. Depending on where you live that might reduce the pool of eligible singles substantially. Either they might be younger than you, or they might have a broken marriage behind them. How do you feel about these factors?

 

[basil67]

You are not pathetic at all.  Instead, your decision is strong, decisive, and wise.  Full of self awareness.   Be kind to yourself - we all make mistakes but you’ve been able to recognise your’s and stop this in its tracks. 
 

 

[Amitheotherwoman]

35 minutes ago, Will am I said:

 

So you are approaching this situation with some rationality and intent.

You were at the point where you might have chosen this MM to be your partner, because you want a partner and couldn't find someone else that you liked as much as him. Of course seducing a married man intentionally would have been a selfish thing to do, luckily you backed down from the idea.

 

I find it hard to believe that a woman as intelligent and eloquent as yourself could not attract someone good. 

You mentioned the number 37. Depending on where you live that might reduce the pool of eligible singles substantially. Either they might be younger than you, or they might have a broken marriage behind them. How do you feel about these factors?

 

I find it hard to believe too but it is my reality. It’s literally the first question people ask, just like that Bridget Jones scene. Whatever we think of it it doesn’t seem to change the fact that that’s where I am. Destined to be an old maid perhaps! 
yes I’m 37 so expect guys I date to maybe divorced. I’ve dated younger but in general they want something more casual 

[Will am I]

5 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

 I’ve dated younger but in general they want something more casual 

How much younger?

Lots of guys are married or in permanent relationships by the time they hit 30. Probably if you date guys in their early 30s, the bonding types have already bonded and the casual types are still out there. Statisticians would call this "selection bias".

A profile that could work is approximate age 30-37 with a 3-5 year relationship behind them. That group might contain some men who don't have too much fear of commitment, but don't have kids yet. With the obvious risk that you are selecting from a group unable to sustain a lifelong relationship. So you'd need to do your homework diligently and weed out the guys who haven't learned from their failed relationship.

 

Let's do a little self confidence excercise: can I turn the chessboard around and invite you to look at yourself from the other side?

Let's say I'd be a man somewhere in age group 30-45 and looking to find new love after my breakup or divorce. Most women I would be able to meet are divorced moms. Which means: complex arrangements around custody and visitation. Geographical limitations because of these custody/visitation arrangements. Ex spouses on either side, which adds to the complexity of building something new. Maybe establishing a compound family. And most of all: building a relationship with a partner whose primary sense of love and care will be directed towards her children, a partner who'd only gradually open up to having a man in her closest circle.

Compared to that scenario, how much of a gem you would be. If you tap into the dating pool of men coming out of failed relationships, you'd be up so high on their list of desireable partners. Which should give you ample choice.

 

Enter the next question: where are you looking to find a partner? Because that relates strongly to the types of men you'd find.

[Amitheotherwoman]

1 minute ago, Will am I said:

How much younger?

Lots of guys are married or in permanent relationships by the time they hit 30. Probably if you date guys in their early 30s, the bonding types have already bonded and the casual types are still out there. Statisticians would call this "selection bias".

A profile that could work is approximate age 30-37 with a 3-5 year relationship behind them. That group might contain some men who don't have too much fear of commitment, but don't have kids yet. With the obvious risk that you are selecting from a group unable to sustain a lifelong relationship. So you'd need to do your homework diligently and weed out the guys who haven't learned from their failed relationship.

 

Let's do a little self confidence excercise: can I turn the chessboard around and invite you to look at yourself from the other side?

Let's say I'd be a man somewhere in age group 30-45 and looking to find new love after my breakup or divorce. Most women I would be able to meet are divorced moms. Which means: complex arrangements around custody and visitation. Geographical limitations because of these custody/visitation arrangements. Ex spouses on either side, which adds to the complexity of building something new. Maybe establishing a compound family. And most of all: building a relationship with a partner whose primary sense of love and care will be directed towards her children, a partner who'd only gradually open up to having a man in her closest circle.

Compared to that scenario, how much of a gem you would be. If you tap into the dating pool of men coming out of failed relationships, you'd be up so high on their list of desireable partners. Which should give you ample choice.

 

Enter the next question: where are you looking to find a partner? Because that relates strongly to the types of men you'd find.

I agree with everything there. That us the kind of person I’m looking for but no where to be found. 
i use hinge to date & also hood I’ll meet someone  out & about. I accept social invites with new people etc. i recently  changed jobs & joined the social committee. 
 

where should I be looking? 

[Wiseman2]

It may be best to address the underlying sadness and loneliness. 

Searching the internet for people from a distant past isn't going well.  You seem to be trying to relive and remake your life. Walking backwards through it as if to try and undo your youth and rewrite it.

You're not in an affair and your not the other woman. You're lonely and this is a distraction.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses get involved in life more. Don't sit home all weekend by the phone.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. It's not easy. But it's better than pretending this will lead anywhere.

Edited July 26, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Will am I]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're not in an affair and your not the other woman. You're lonely and this is a distraction.

^^ this.

You're nobody's (other) woman, you're single and available and you don't owe anything to the man that you fancy / fancied.

5 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

where should I be looking? 

In places with good men :) 

And by "good men" I mean men who are functioning well and taking care of themselves and their surroundings well. Functioning and taking care involve activities that connect to places. Typical examples are work, volunteer work, church and spiritual communities, sports, etc. Counter examples of places where you will find many dysfunctional types are bars and online games (especially if you go online gaming during office hours).

The problem with the "good place, good guy" doctrine is that real world places are usually limited in group size. Prime example is the workplace. If you trim down your colleagues by gender, age group and availability the pool tends to get very small. This must be one of the reasons why a lot of people meet their partners online.

Don't ask me about dating apps. I'm 45, Tinder started after I got married :)  Back in my days we had websites, not apps. It shoudn't be that much different but apparently it is. What I read from people who start dating again after having been married for a long time is that they're often shocked about how shallow and casual the process has become. I hope other contributors on this forum can help you differentiate between the various online websites/apps a little bit better. It would help if we knew your country of residence.

 

[Amitheotherwoman]

I am doing all of these things.
Appreciate it’s easy to give that advice as it makes perfect sense but what’s your advise if someone is doing all those things. If someone is kind, funny attractive, popular, successful, looks after herself? (It doesn’t come naturally to me to say these things about myself!) 

[Amitheotherwoman]

2 minutes ago, Will am I said:

^^ this.

You're nobody's (other) woman, you're single and available and you don't owe anything to the man that you fancy / fancied.

In places with good men

And by "good men" I mean men who are functioning well and taking care of themselves and their surroundings well. Functioning and taking care involve activities that connect to places. Typical examples are work, volunteer work, church and spiritual communities, sports, etc. Counter examples of places where you will find many dysfunctional types are bars and online games (especially if you go online gaming during office hours).

The problem with the "good place, good guy" doctrine is that real world places are usually limited in group size. Prime example is the workplace. If you trim down your colleagues by gender, age group and availability the pool tends to get very small. This must be one of the reasons why a lot of people meet their partners online.

Don't ask me about dating apps. I'm 45, Tinder started after I got married  Back in my days we had websites, not apps. It shoudn't be that much different but apparently it is. What I read from people who start dating again after having been married for a long time is that they're often shocked about how shallow and casual the process has become. I hope other contributors on this forum can help you differentiate between the various online websites/apps a little bit better. It would help if we knew your country of residence.

 

I live in London England x

[SummerDreams]

12 hours ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I’m so scared & ashamed to try to explain it to people in my life

So you are scared and ashamed to say you are an OW now but you will be OK when you destroy his marriage to share it with the world?

I think you are telling either yourself or us lies or half truths.

[Will am I]

I just googled "Hinge" (one more thing to explain if my wife were to look at my browsing history lol). At a first glance it seems to be a less shallow version of Tinder. Aimed at "who are you" type of questions instead of solely the profile picture. Sounds more promising than Tinder as far as I can tell.

Let's say you are on that app. What's the frequency of incoming messages / likes / hearts / ... (contact attempts from other users)?

And within these contact attempts, which percentage would you estimate could be a viable candidate (given age group, gender, availability, area where they live)? I mean, are you getting these messages from 64 year old married men in California or from 35 year old single men in the London metropolitan area?

What's the ratio between contact attempts that appear respectful and genuinely interested and the ones that are obvously looking for casual sex?

And what about the ratio between people that you find attractive or unattractive?

 

Trying to understand how Hinge is working for you as a platform. I would assume you'd get an abundance of contact attempts but somehow none of them check all the boxes. Wondering on which of the checkboxes this goes wrong.

Edited July 26, 2022 by Will am I

[Amitheotherwoman]

4 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

So you are scared and ashamed to say you are an OW now but you will be OK when you destroy his marriage to share it with the world?

I think you are telling either yourself or us lies or half truths.

What lies and I telling you? 

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

If someone is kind, funny, attractive, popular, successful, looks after herself?

It's great you're all these things. But if you're sitting home every weekend, you're not going to meet men,.

[Amitheotherwoman]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's great you're all these things. But if you're sitting home every weekend, you're not going to meet men,.

I’m not sitting at home every weekend?

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I’m not sitting at home every weekend?

You claimed "weekends are hard because he's with his family". If you were out having fun with friends, family and dating that wouldn't be the case.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

Maybe that’s part of the allure. Feeling you’re that irresistible.

I would say that's a huge part of it, yes. 

But that is why it's going to feel even worse when he pulls back. Because they all do, eventually - either the wife finds out (or nearly), or he has a sudden guilty twinge. And as soon as those compliments, messages and calls stop coming, it's going to feel terrible. When you no longer feel irresistible, you will kick yourself for having got involved. Yes, sometimes things pick up again once the waters on the home front have calmed, but you will then be stuck in a cycle of feeling irresistible and then completely forgotten and abandoned.