I'm becoming the other woman- I know I'm going to get hurt

[glows]

1 hour ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

So, I’ve found myself googling forums like this as I don’t know how I can talk to anyone in my life about it. Perhaps that says it all. 
After 15 years I’ve been back in in touch with someone who I always considered a “one that got away”as at the time I couldn’t see what was good for me, and had very low confidence. He’s now married with children & we started chatting online 5 weeks ago. Since then we’ve basically spoken every day, met up the first week & the conversations have become increasingly intimate & I can’t stop thinking about him. I’m trying to block out how wrong it is because it makes me feel so good. But I feel like we are on the brink of an affair & I don’t know how to stop it, if I want to or how to protect myself.
I’m in my 30’s, still single & haven’t had someone make me feel like this in so long.

Any advice?

Tell us more about why he was the one who got away? What was your relationship like back then? You mentioned low self-confidence but it seems your confidence may still be very low.. the issue is he's not much of a catch as he's not going anywhere and inert. He's a married man with other obligations.

Unavailable individuals usually attract other unavailable individuals and you're unavailable emotionally because you may not think too well of yourself. How are other areas of your life? Is there anything you'd like to improve? Work, family life, friendships? Why not work on yourself rather than self-sabotage?

Distractions like affairs are bountiful and always out there for the taking. Plenty of taken individuals may be looking for a quick adrenaline fix or someone to pour out their marital troubles to. If you hold your horses and stick around to read all the affair and extramarital threads you'll see hundreds and hundreds of people just like you and others from the other side being married and turning to someone outside the marriage. There is nothing unique or sentimental unfortunately about your situation. 

We sometimes pick up bad habits along the way. You say you're lonely. Try other things to get over that loneliness or be comfortable in your own skin, enjoy your life. We don't always get what we want and if you're wanting a house, marriage, kids of your own, seeing this MM may conjure up feelings of jealousy or living vicariously through him. Live your own life.

[Amitheotherwoman]

Just now, BrinnM said:

Only 5 weeks and only 1 meeting in person ….. are you sure he’s trying to start something with you? And: How “intimate” are we talking?
Can it be he’s just playing and goofing around? Not saying it’s not a shitty move on his part to go behind his wife’s back and text inappropriately with somebody eise; that’s always a garbage thing to do, but like - are you maybe over-interpreting his potential level of internet maybe? 

I don’t think I am. We met up for a coffee a week after we started talking. I’d already shut it down after a few days but he got back in touch & after the long weekend of not hearing from him ( which is generally how it is now… family time), I was giddy when he text in the Monday morning saying he had been thinking about me all weekend & we decided there & then to meet the following day but I could only see him for an hour. Since then I’ve tried to end comms a couple of times, been on other dates & also was abroad for just over a week. 

we’ve said we are going to see each other but currently he has family from abroad staying. 

its got pretty intimate. I’ve made it clear I’m not a form of textual entertainment & the conversations vary from normal chit chat to that kind of thing … 

 

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

it’s true that I’m lonely, which perhaps is clouding my judgement & making it more difficult to end it before it goes further. 

I hear that. It’s very hard to watch your friends and family members in happy relationships and developing their families. Brutally hard. 

I have a lot of empathy for what you are feeling, but I will sincerely suggest that this is not going to meet that need. 

As I said, I’m sure it feels wonderful to have a man that you have thought about for 15 years pursue you, but it’s not going to feel wonderful when he leaves you to go home to his family. It’s going to leave you feeling more lonely and more sad than you have ever felt before…

[Amitheotherwoman]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

Tell us more about why he was the one who got away? What was your relationship like back then? You mentioned low self-confidence but it seems your confidence may still be very low.. the issue is he's not much of a catch as he's not going anywhere and inert. He's a married man with other obligations.

Unavailable individuals usually attract other unavailable individuals and you're unavailable emotionally because you may not think too well of yourself. How are other areas of your life? Is there anything you'd like to improve? Work, family life, friendships? Why not work on yourself rather than self-sabotage?

Distractions like affairs are bountiful and always out there for the taking. Plenty of taken individuals may be looking for a quick adrenaline fix or someone to pour out their marital troubles to. If you hold your horses and stick around to read all the affair and extramarital threads you'll see hundreds and hundreds of people just like you and others from the other side being married and turning to someone outside the marriage. There is nothing unique or sentimental unfortunately about your situation. 

We sometimes pick up bad habits along the way. You say you're lonely. Try other things to get over that loneliness or be comfortable in your own skin, enjoy your life. We don't always get what we want and if you're wanting a house, marriage, kids of your own, seeing this MM may conjure up feelings of jealousy or living vicariously through him. Live your own life.

Well actually when I knew him back then, someone cheated on me ( I know there’s irony here) & it, along with lots of other things going on in my life made me not very happy with myself & look for comfort with all the wrong people. 
he was interested in me, showed he was but I ignored it, couldn’t believe a nice normal guy could be attracted to me. He asked me out and I always made excuses. 

I know what you’re saying but I am actually happy with myself and who I am but I’m sick of not meeting anyone that’s right. It’s exhausting & lonely. Trust me I’m doing all the right things for myself. This aside 

[stillafool]

42 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

Thank you. I can’t tell you how much I’ve dated and how much I constantly throw myself into new social situations. It really gets me down that I’m 37 & I’ve not met someone. That I’ve not had children & that time us running out. That I’m the only one of my friends who hasn’t. 
 

maybe that’s how I’ve entertained it thus far. Not justifying I’m just so tired of feeling lonely & constantly trying so hard & always pretending I’m ok 

Having an affair is not the way to remedy the above.  An affair is going to make you feel lonelier, left out and rejected in the end because I can guarantee that no matter what he's filling your head with now you will be thrown under a bus the moment his wife gets wind of this.  If you want a chance with a man who can give you a home and kids find a single man.  You will waste what is left of your childbearing years running after a married man.

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If you want a chance with a man who can give you a home and kids find a single man. You will waste what is left of your childbearing years running after a married man.

This.

You should also be very leery of any man who is wanting you to do this. It’s no skin off his back - he already has what you want. He’s got time to waste, and the fact that he is ok wasting your time should be a huge red flag for you. He is pursuing his own interest right now, not yours. 

Edited July 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[Amitheotherwoman]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I hear that. It’s very hard to watch your friends and family members in happy relationships and developing their families. Brutally hard. 

I have a lot of empathy for what you are feeling, but I will sincerely suggest that this is not going to meet that need. 

As I said, I’m sure it feels wonderful to have a man that you have thought about for 15 years pursue you, but it’s not going to feel wonderful when he leaves you to go home to his family. It’s going to leave you feeling more lonely and more sad than you have ever felt before…

The weekends are already making me feel shitty as in general we aren’t in touch much then. And i get that that’s a very good reminder of why this is such a bad idea. It’s pathetic really but I feel like he cares about me and I’m scared to lose it. 

[Amitheotherwoman]

43 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Almost nobody really is. 

It requires a level of emotional detachment that most APs just don't have, because, well, the affair began somewhere: A knowing glance between two acquantainces. A long-time friend. Bonding over coffee in the office. The little flickers of emotion are already there to some extent by the time an affair starts. And that's the danger zone for OW such as yourself because it's very rare that an OW can disconnect and happily go about her day unbothered while she knows her secret lover is at home cuddling his wife, brushing her hair out of her eyes in the morning, lazing around with her on a Sunday night over a glass of wine after the kids are in bed, joking with her over a stupid meme his buddy sent him.

The pangs of loneliness are going to be intense here, OP, if you proceed. Because you will know when he stops messaging you at night, it's because he's sliding into bed next his wife. And not you. 

You’re right I know and I already feel it 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Amitheotherwoman said:

The weekends are already making me feel shitty as in general we aren’t in touch much then. 

That's what your signing up for when chasing married men. Get a good profile and pics on Quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single honest decent men.

[Amitheotherwoman]

41 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

We met through work/professional contacts, and he asked me out. A lot! Yes, it turned “emotional” at some point; it definitely wasn’t a “just sex” relationship. And tbh, life as a mistress (not sure what else to call it) was much easier and more enjoyable than most other relationships I used to have (after they turned long-term; in the beginning, all relationships are great fun and inspiring). But like I said - it’s definitely  not for everybody, and even we had our little arguments occasionally, and that can be tough if you have to sit and wait until you can you resolve your issues due to bad timing/other commitments/scheduling conflicts. 

Thanks for sharing this 

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

The weekends are already making me feel shitty as in general we aren’t in touch much then. And i get that that’s a very good reminder of why this is such a bad idea. It’s pathetic really but I feel like he cares about me and I’m scared to lose it. 

Perhaps you’ve mentioned it previously, and if you have please forgive me - but have you spoken with a counsellor? 

This is it - what you feel on the weekend will become what you feel all the time if you stay involved with this man. It will actually get worse, the longer you stay and the more involved you get (particularly after you have sex). 

Edited July 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

 I feel like he cares about me and I’m scared to lose it. 

If he cared about you, he wouldn't be doing this to begin with. 

He knows he isn't going to be with you, and that's it's not cool to keep up this texting or meeting up. But it suits his agenda so he'll keep you on the hook. A caring guy doesn't do this sort of thing when he will never offer you a real chance to develop a meaningful connection. 

Your fear of "losing" this is magnified by your loneliness in general, but this guy is not good news. He can't heal your pain. 

[Amitheotherwoman]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's what your signing up for when chasing married men. Get a good profile and pics on Quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single honest decent men.

Trust me I have! I’m a normal woman, told I’m attractive, I’m good shape and I’m a friendly nice date but I never meet anyone I like or click with 

[Amitheotherwoman]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Perhaps you’ve mentioned it previously, and if you have please forgive me - but have you spoken with a counsellor? 

This is it - what you feel on the weekend will become what you feel if you stay involved with this man. It will actually get worse, the longer you stay and the more involved you get (particularly after you have sex). 

I’ve had lots of counselling in my life. Lots of From  18- 36 Grew up in a dysfunctional home (like many do) 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

Trust me I have! I’m a normal woman, told I’m attractive, I’m good shape and I’m a friendly nice date but I never meet anyone I like or click with 

It was the same for me, I dated with little success until I met the love of my life in my late 30’s. 

You are not going to have that opportunity if you are involved with a married man and/or healing the damage that this relationship will do to your confidence and your self esteem. 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I’ve had lots of counselling in my life. Lots of From  18- 36 Grew up in a dysfunctional home (like many do) 

Very kindly, if you have worked so hard to move past the dysfunction of your childhood, why would you ever chose to involve yourself in another unhealthy relationship? It would be a darn shame if you worked hard to become the woman you are today, only to make a poor decision that will destroy all that you’ve worked to achieve. 

[Amitheotherwoman]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

It was the same for me, I dated with little success until I met the love of my life in my late 30’s. 

You are not going to have that opportunity if you are involved with a married man and/or healing the damage that this relationship will do to your confidence and your self esteem. 

I know you’re right. I actually said that very thing to him. When we started talking & couldn’t stop til 2am (from 4pm) foolishly i thought maybe somehow we were meant to be & that somehow it would all work out because our feelings were undeniable. But I’ll admit he did seem to be talking about sex quite quickly and I realised I was wrong. I did say to him that’s not what I was about and he apologised and said he didn’t know the name of the book let alone the page. 
I think I need to remember he can’t give me what I want & he does want his  cake & eat it too 

[Amitheotherwoman]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Very kindly, if you have worked so hard to move past the dysfunction of your childhood, why would you ever chose to involve yourself in another unhealthy relationship? It would be a darn shame if you worked hard to become the woman you are today, only to make a poor decision that will destroy all that you’ve worked to achieve. 

Honestly? Because I’m so tired of being alone & missing intimacy & affection. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

Honestly? Because I’m so tired of being alone & missing intimacy & affection. 

This is going to make those feelings so much worse. 

Because you will know he is actively choosing someone else over you. Your heart is going to get put through a blender here. 

[BaileyB]

If you can, read this post. This is a married woman, who had a dysfunctional childhood and find herself in an abusive marriage. She is so desperately lonely and so in need of intimacy and validation that she finds herself begging her affair partner to continue after he tries to end it.  In turn, this simply lowers the bar of what he offers/she will accept…

They end up in a codependent relationship in which they are both using each other to meet entirely different needs.
 

Edited July 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I’m a normal woman, told I’m attractive, I’m good shape and I’m a friendly nice date but I never meet anyone I like or click with 

Ok, then don't sit home on weekends pining when you could be out meeting honest decent men. Do you really want to be that person who cries on her friends shoulders every weekend when he's with his family?

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

Trust me I have! I’m a normal woman, told I’m attractive, I’m good shape and I’m a friendly nice date but I never meet anyone I like or click with 

Well use those assets while you still have them in finding a suitable mate you can call your own.  Don't give it all away to a man who belongs to someone else.

[BaileyB]

42 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I did say to him that’s not what I was about and he apologised and said he didn’t know the name of the book let alone the page.

Have you considered that you may not be his first affair partner? It is always a possibility… He seems to know what he wants if he is steering the conversation to sex quickly…

This kind of behavior doesn’t exactly fit the romantic fantasy that you would like to create, about how you have found one another again and that must mean that it is meant to be. And yet, it’s quite typical of these relationships - he has his agenda, you have your own agenda… It works until it doesn’t, when one of you realizes that you are not actually getting what you really want/need. And usually, the other woman is the person who is left unsatisfied by the very nature of the fact that she is trying to build a committed relationship with a man who is otherwise committed to another woman. If you walked away tomorrow, he would be fine - he would simply turn to his wife. 

Edited July 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[Amitheotherwoman]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Have you considered that you may not be his first affair partner? It is always a possibility… He seems to know what he wants if he is steering the conversation to sex quickly…

This kind of behavior doesn’t exactly fit the romantic fantasy that you would like to create, about how you have found one another again and that must mean that it is meant to be. And yet, it’s quite typical of these relationships - he has his agenda, you have your own agenda…

He says not. He says he’s never done anything like it but I agree it felt like he all too easily moved the conversation to something less like old friends & more to flirting & so on. 
 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

He says not. He says he’s never done anything like it but I agree it felt like he all too easily moved the conversation to something less like old friends & more to flirting & so on. 
 

And you trust this man who you know to be lying to his wife about the fact that he is pursuing another woman because…