I'm becoming the other woman- I know I'm going to get hurt

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I’m not thinking he’s going to leave his wife tomorrow. likely ever.

Fixed that for you.

Of all the men who cheat on their wives, very few leave their marriages. And if he did, the success rate for relationships that start as affairs is abysmally poor, for many reasons. Not the least of which being the fact that there are significant trust issues - given, that MM has already proven himself to be untrustworthy. 

 

Edited July 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[BrinnM]

55 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

To be honest, none of that puts me off. But I don’t think he will leave his wife tomorrow! 

If the M is generally bad the chances are higher obviously -  if the M is generally good the chances are close(r) to zero, especially after five weeks where nothing is really set in stone. Five weeks is literally nothing. I would just be on the down low and let him do the work - then you will see how much effort he is willing to put into it. And when I say lay low I mean not reaching out proactively at all, maybe responding to his messages or phone calls (intermittently), maybe agreeing to meet up if he makes a really good suggestion (cool event, city trip, etc.), just mirroring him but at a very low level.

Edited July 24, 2022 by BrinnM

[S2B]

5 hours ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I hadn’t meant to offend anyone. This is all entirely new to me, and very much unplanned. Nothing it’s ideal has happened at this stage, but I feel overcome with feelings for him.

i don’t know what advice I’m seeking, because honestly I would never have seen myself in this situation. 

perhaps someone in a similar position, to connect with & either hear their story, or advise on how to not get hurt. 
 

I’m sorry if any of that sounds selfish, but I guess ultimately I am looking out for myself here. 

If you want to look out for yourself - block him and don’t ever communicate with him again.

he is married. He spends his time enticing a single gal while his wife is trying to create a nice home life.

there is nothing attractive about any man spending his time and energy chasing someone who isn’t his wife. 
 

help yourself by not contacting him again!

[glows]

11 hours ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

Well actually when I knew him back then, someone cheated on me ( I know there’s irony here) & it, along with lots of other things going on in my life made me not very happy with myself & look for comfort with all the wrong people. 
he was interested in me, showed he was but I ignored it, couldn’t believe a nice normal guy could be attracted to me. He asked me out and I always made excuses. 
 

So.. you didn't actually ever have this guy as you had not dated at all. You may be idolizing him and living in a fantasy of what he could have been. The raw truth is that you didn't date back then and didn't know him at all. He showed you some attention and that was it, nothing worked out. He's a familiar face now but I'd revisit whether he's playing into that fantasy you've built up of what he is. There's a strong likelihood you know next to nothing about who he really is or what kind of man or husband he is to his wife. If he can have an affair or send intimate texts to another woman, he's probably not the man you imagined him to be. 

This is a really long standing fantasy you've had of who you think he might be. ..Rather than ever knowing him at all to start.

[Will am I]

@Amitheotherwoman

Let’s put all the morality aside for a second. I’m not here to attack you.

You basically say that you have been unable to meet a partner for yourself and you think this man is the one for you.

I understand how this would drive you into pursuing a romantic relationship with him. I do.

But there are two things that I feel you must consider. 

The first one: is he actually available to you?  By “available” I mean he’s going to leave his wife and family behind to start a new relationship with you, potentially leading up to a new marriage. Rule of thumb: if the guy hasn’t left his wife before the affair, 95% chance they won’t leave their wife during the affair. So if you want something real, you need to insist directly that he leaves his wife, before you will be his girlfriend. Else you will end up being his OW; read this forum for what that feels like.

The second consideration is a deep dive into your own mind. Could there be any relation between this man being on your mind for a long long time and the fact that you were unable to attract another good partner? Is it possible that your heart wasn’t open to other men because you had feelings for this one all along?

[Amitheotherwoman]

53 minutes ago, Will am I said:

@Amitheotherwoman

Let’s put all the morality aside for a second. I’m not here to attack you.

You basically say that you have been unable to meet a partner for yourself and you think this man is the one for you.

I understand how this would drive you into pursuing a romantic relationship with him. I do.

But there are two things that I feel you must consider. 

The first one: is he actually available to you?  By “available” I mean he’s going to leave his wife and family behind to start a new relationship with you, potentially leading up to a new marriage. Rule of thumb: if the guy hasn’t left his wife before the affair, 95% chance they won’t leave their wife during the affair. So if you want something real, you need to insist directly that he leaves his wife, before you will be his girlfriend. Else you will end up being his OW; read this forum for what that feels like.

The second consideration is a deep dive into your own mind. Could there be any relation between this man being on your mind for a long long time and the fact that you were unable to attract another good partner? Is it possible that your heart wasn’t open to other men because you had feelings for this one all along?

Thanks. 
i don’t know if he’s available. I suppose subconsciously I feel as though he is to have started whatever this is. But you’re right if that’s what I want, I need to ask. 
 

On your second point, I don’t think so. I think I got in touch with him with regret I hadn’t before taken him up on on his advances. And as I am still single I think that’s why I was exploring my past 

[Will am I]

Let me be logical and non judgemental here. I figure there's three ways you can go.

1. You decide that you'd rather not get inbetween a married man and his wife and family. Or that you don't really like the idea of him having children with another woman (simply because being with a divorced dad is going to be different than being with man coming without such history). In this case the logical course of action is to abandon all contact. Because you have these feelings for him. I don't know if you'd use that word but maybe you're even in love with him. And maintaining contact but not pursuing the man is just too hard.

2. Alternatively, you decide that this is really the man you want. You want to be with him despite the moral and practical obstacles. Your course of action is to reveal your feelings but demand that he'd leave his wife if he wants to be with you.

3. You fail to take either step 1 or 2. In this case the likely outcome will be that you will end up as his other woman. You will have an affair that exists in the shadows, as soon as his wife becomes suspicious he will pull back, whenever his wife appears you have to quietly disappear, he may deny knowing you when his wife confronts him, he may even make false accusations. 

Outcome 3 is the worst possible scenario for you. Which means you need to act now and choose either 1 or 2.

 

Personal note: I know it all sounds so simple, but I'm only observing from a neutral distance. I realize how hard it may be for you when you're the one navigating your emotions and your future plans. Wishing you strength and clarity.

Edited July 25, 2022 by Will am I

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Will am I said:

The first one: is he actually available to you?  By “available” I mean he’s going to leave his wife and family behind to start a new relationship with you, potentially leading up to a new marriage.

I would respectfully suggest that a man who is married and shares children with another woman is not “available” to anyone. 

That said, I hope you realize that if he ever was to leave his wife - which he’s unlikely to decide to do after texting with another woman for a few weeks - this process takes years , not weeks. 

He has years invested with this woman. They have a home, a family, a shared history. At this point, nothing has been shared that he has given any indication that he is unhappy and contemplating divorce. 

MM don’t generally enter affairs with the plan of leaving and replacing their wife - that’s usually the woman’s MO. Men have too much to lose, including their money and daily access to their children. No, they usually enter into affair because they want “more…” - excitement, adoration, affection, sex… And sadly, many are able to find a woman who is eager to develop her own romantic fantasy and sacrifice herself for her affair partner…

If she was to ask him tomorrow whether he plans to leave his marriage and break up his family to be with her after texting for a few weeks - he would be an absolute fool to say yes. 

If you decide to get with this man, which you know I believe to be a poor decision, do so with the full knowledge that it is VERY unlikely that he will ever decide to leave his marriage to be in a legitimate relationship with you. 

 

Edited July 25, 2022 by BaileyB

[Bittersweetie]

Mental gymnastics are a real and intense thing, I experienced it when I was in my affair. The things I told myself in order to justify my actions are mind blowing to me now...how could I have truly thought that what I was doing was okay? Looking back, it is horrifying to me what I did, and I unfortunately cannot change or take back my choices and actions. 

But you are at a point where you can. You are facing a choice on what kind of person you want to be moving forward. Do you want to be someone who gets involved with a married person and all that involves (dishonesty, lack of integrity, etc)? Or do you want to be someone who respects themselves and relationships (your own and others)? 

I understand you are in a lower place and MM seems to help you get out of that lower place. I thought my affair made me stronger but in reality it only made me weaker, until I reached a place where I almost lost everything. It took a lot of hard work to slowly regain my own self-respect and integrity. 

I cannot recommend an affair and if you were my friend I would be trying everything I could to dissuade you from walking this path. It's not a positive path, as much as it may seem so at first. I'm sorry.

[Will am I]

21 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I would respectfully suggest that a man who is married and shares children with another woman is not “available” to anyone. 

I can't look into the man's heart. I know from the topic that they go back a long time. Maybe he's had a crush for years. Maybe this is the woman for whom he would give everything up. If that is the case, he's be available. He shouldn't be. But he would be.

[Allupinnit]

OP you missed the boat with this guy a long time ago and you need to leave it alone, he has a FAMILY now and you are the interloper.  You went rooting around in the past and because you are lonely you are trying to recycle old interests.  Who hasn't done this before?  I'm guilty also.

Please don't allow him to use you in this way.  This train has already left the station and you're having an emotional affair, you just haven't taken the leap to sleep with him yet.  

This will wreck you beyond recognition.  You already hate the weekends because he's quiet; now imagine how much worse that's going to feel when you're in too deep and having a physical relationship with him, too.  What if you find out she's pregnant?  That they're buying a new house.  Taking that family trip to Mexico - all the things you'll never have with him because that spot is already taken.

I can't believe honestly that thoughts of leaving his wife have been thrown around here - that is the furthest thing from his mind.  He wants a fun affair!  Sex and attention on the side.  You are not cut out for this.

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Will am I said:

I can't look into the man's heart.

With much respect Will, this is the kind of emotional reasoning that gets so many people into a world of hurt -

1 hour ago, Will am I said:

Maybe he's had a crush for years.

Maybe when she contacted him out of the blue he saw the opportunity for extramarital sex and he decided to take his shot!

Edited July 25, 2022 by BaileyB

[NuevoYorko]

7 hours ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

Thanks. 
i don’t know if he’s available. I suppose subconsciously I feel as though he is to have started whatever this is. But you’re right if that’s what I want, I need to ask. 

He's available for a fling.  If I understand correctly, you reached out to this man.  It seems very clear to me that it was like "pennies from heaven" for him.  I wouldn't be surprised if he's had dalliances before since he seems to have flowed completely seamlessly into this situation with you.

If you feel like people are being unusually harsh with you - it's in part because this is a very new situation and no very serious lines have been crossed.  You're enjoying the attention and a thrill of the forbidden which is hard to turn your back on, but not really that hard.  This man was never close to you and he is still a stranger.  You can pretty easily walk away right now without getting any baggage that will weigh you down for the rest of your life, to some extent or another.  So everybody is like DON'T JUMP!!!!!  

I can 96.2199% guarantee you that the risks outweigh any potential benefits here.  You can get flattery, cheap thrills and a connection that really never goes anywhere without getting involved with a family man.  

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I can 96.2199% guarantee you that the risks outweigh any potential benefits here.

Agree. There's only a 3.7801% chance you'll come out of this unscathed.

Keep in mind unavailable people choose other unavailable people, so maybe you still haven't processed some things form the past when you used to know him.

[Will am I]

The big risk I see here is that OP seems to have a lot more riding on it than the man in question.

Which makes her vulnerable to end up in the OW position.

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, Will am I said:

The big risk I see here is that OP seems to have a lot more riding on it than the man in question.

Which makes her vulnerable to end up in the OW position.

As it stands, the OP is walking into the OW position with eyes wide open.  This may have been the case when she first reached out to him 5 weeks ago.  Yes, very vulnerable, but has been making choices and not "swept away" or seduced by a liar.  He's a known quantity.

[Amitheotherwoman]

1 hour ago, Will am I said:

The big risk I see here is that OP seems to have a lot more riding on it than the man in question.

Which makes her vulnerable to end up in the OW position.

I really appreciate everyone’s comments. Can’t tell you how helpful it is to talk this out with people I don’t know. I know that might sound weird but I’m so scared & ashamed to try to explain it to people in my life. 
 

id love to think this could all end happily but I know it’s highly unlikely 

[NuevoYorko]

42 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

 

id love to think this could all end happily but I know it’s highly unlikely 

So are you determined to get started having sex with this guy pretty soon?   Are you meeting at a motel or how are you going to go about it?  Does he have his excuses for the family already cooked up?  Is this going to be a "one and done" or do you think he will be able to trick his wife regularly enough for it to become a kind of relationship?

[Amitheotherwoman]

3 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

So are you determined to get started having sex with this guy pretty soon?   Are you meeting at a motel or how are you going to go about it?  Does he have his excuses for the family already cooked up?  Is this going to be a "one and done" or do you think he will be able to trick his wife regularly enough for it to become a kind of relationship?

Determined? No. 
i think we would find a way to see eAchother regularly. He works in London, which is where I live. i don’t think it’s so much about the logistics. 
I did think maybe if we met up once & got it out our systems it may be enough but I think that’s naive tbh. 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I did think maybe if we met up once & got it out our systems it may be enough but I think that’s naive tbh. 

You’ve been crushing on this guy for 15 years… 

[Amitheotherwoman]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You’ve been crushing on this guy for 15 years… 

No that’s not accurate. I crushed 15 years ago. In the past few years he’s tossed my mind as a regret. 
I’ve not been thinking about him for 15 years.

Edited July 25, 2022 by Amitheotherwoman

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

No that’s not accurate. I crushed 15 years ago. In the past few years he’s tossed my mind as a regret. 
move not been thinking about him for 15 years.

Still, unlikely that you are going to have sex with the man and say - “well, that’s done.”

In your own words from the first page - 

Quote

I feel overcome with feelings for him.

 

Edited July 25, 2022 by BaileyB

[NuevoYorko]

Why are you so well disposed towards this man when all it took was a message from a relative stranger from 15 years in the past to instigate a major betrayal of his family?   

I'd seriously feel differently if you two were thrown together and had an undeniable attraction, or similar, but you just poked him and he immediately was all in.  

Doesn't this come off as creepy at all to you?  The way you've described it, it comes off that way to me.  

I'm not immune;  i have cheated.  I can't justify it but I will say that it was a drawn out and intense exposure to the other party to which I finally, weakly succumbed.   I haven't forgiven myself - but I can say that I would not have just told my spouse a convenient lie so I could meet up with a person from the past,  with whom I'd never had much going on, because they "friended" me or whatever.  

One thing is almost certain:  He is opportunistic, and he is never going to leave his wife because an acquaintance from his past showed up and broadcast that she is willing for some hanky-panky.   He's just availing himself of the opportunity you are about to provide him.  If this is something he's done before (dalliances - not necessarily extra-marital relationships) it doesn't signal that he is looking for anything more out of a relationship.  Just some side action.  

[Allupinnit]

If you do this you will loathe yourself so much.

[basil67]

I don't suppose he was the one who approached you?  If so, his intention from the start was probably to see if you'd be open for a fling on the side.