I'm becoming the other woman- I know I'm going to get hurt

[Bittersweetie]

I do think there is a tendency for most women to always be "nice." Like even if someone is treating us like doo-doo, we need to be polite and nice about it. Here is the truth: you don't have to be nice when someone is treating you like doo-doo. Like this MM. I mean...he even told you, I will be out of pocket for a bit so that you now know you are not a priority, and that he expects you to wait. You do not have to be nice...you can ignore if he contacts. Or respond with a short "I'm done here." I know the pull...my xMM would be a jerk sometimes and I had this idea that I had to be "fun" and "lowkey" and "nice" so that he saw me as positive in his life, not negative. But doing that just dismantled more of my own self respect and integrity. So please, don't feel like you need to talk to him about all this...you completely have the right to walk away with no explanations. You owe him nothing.

[Amitheotherwoman]

1 minute ago, Bittersweetie said:

I do think there is a tendency for most women to always be "nice." Like even if someone is treating us like doo-doo, we need to be polite and nice about it. Here is the truth: you don't have to be nice when someone is treating you like doo-doo. Like this MM. I mean...he even told you, I will be out of pocket for a bit so that you now know you are not a priority, and that he expects you to wait. You do not have to be nice...you can ignore if he contacts. Or respond with a short "I'm done here." I know the pull...my xMM would be a jerk sometimes and I had this idea that I had to be "fun" and "lowkey" and "nice" so that he saw me as positive in his life, not negative. But doing that just dismantled more of my own self respect and integrity. So please, don't feel like you need to talk to him about all this...you completely have the right to walk away with no explanations. You owe him nothing.

Thank you. They is how I feel but yes you’re totally right. I kkke I probably look very back & fourth but all this chat has really helped. I don’t want him. I want to be available for the right guy. I want to maintain my self respect. I would rather be alone, and healthy than break myself down with him. I’ve felt it this week. I missed him, I was obsessing, isolating. I don’t want that for myself. I deserve to put myself first x

[Alpacalia]

11 hours ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I’ve seen many many counsellors over the years. I had/have a very difficult relationship with my father which I’m pretty sure most of this stuff stems from. 

This.

Trying not to get all clinical and it is uncommon that I am commenting on threads in this section (if at all), but you see this in yourself which is great. Because all you are doing really with this man, really, is recreating your adolescence. The familiarity and affinity we feel for people comes mainly from whatever happened during those formative years in our early lives. 

There is nothing conscious about it. 

Not to be a bubble burster here but it's just that simple. That's all there is to it.

Try and take a closer look at that rather than focusing your attention on this person.

There is no point in holding on to something that you cannot let go of.

Edited July 28, 2022 by Alpacalia

[glows]

On 7/26/2022 at 4:21 AM, Amitheotherwoman said:

Not true. I’m doing those things. Still hard when you talk to someone every day & then the weekends come & that stops. 

 

5 hours ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

Thank you. They is how I feel but yes you’re totally right. I kkke I probably look very back & fourth but all this chat has really helped. I don’t want him. I want to be available for the right guy. I want to maintain my self respect. I would rather be alone, and healthy than break myself down with him. I’ve felt it this week. I missed him, I was obsessing, isolating. I don’t want that for myself. I deserve to put myself first x

If you have resolve to move forward and know weekends are your weak spot, be more conscious this weekend of what your plans are and stay busy.

The withdrawal and desire to keep in contact won't last forever once you've broken the habit of needing him in your life. For some, it's a matter of 2-3 weeks... maybe shorter. Stay in touch with what matters most to you. If you have anything else you've been putting on the backburner it's time to dust off the cobwebs and tend to those things. Anything that has to do with investing back into your welfare and wellbeing, get right to it.

And I agree with you - it seems a lot healthier to look for relationships and be with someone eventually who is equally available and is open to giving you what you are able to give also, emotionally and much more intimately. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I’ve felt it this week. I missed him, I was obsessing, isolating. I don’t want that for myself.

Especially for a guy who who's been keeping his wife company while you're struggling. 

Are you going to be able to ignore him and block him if he contacts you? Because that is a black-and-white decision. No grey area on that. 

[Will am I]

10 hours ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

but all this chat has really helped

I second that. How helpful it is to verbalize your feelings and thoughs and to use other people as a mirror. It's been helping me a great deal too.

4 hours ago, glows said:

If you have resolve to move forward and know weekends are your weak spot, be more conscious this weekend of what your plans are and stay busy.

 

What about your friends @Amitheotherwoman? Did they all get married and start families? Of do you have friends that you could spend quality time with on the weekend?

 

[Weezy1973]

On 7/24/2022 at 8:43 AM, Amitheotherwoman said:

at the time I couldn’t see what was good for me, and had very low confidence.

Seems not much has changed. 
 

[Amitheotherwoman]

10 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Seems not much has changed. 
 

I’d disagree. I came to this forum because I know it’s not good for me. Please don’t think this is easy. It’s very difficult. 
 

[Weezy1973]

3 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I’d disagree. I came to this forum because I know it’s not good for me. Please don’t think this is easy. It’s very difficult. 
 

A lot of the time when we let our feelings guide our behavior, things don’t end well. Instead, having our core values guide our actions leads to richer, fuller lives.

 

You know it’s not good for you, but it feels good in the moment. Kind of like junk food. You’re heading down the “short term gain for long term pain” path. And you know exactly how to stop it. It’s been mentioned many times. Block. Delete. It will be very painful and lonely at the beginning, but it will get better. Short term pain, for long term gain.

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Block. Delete. It will be very painful and lonely at the beginning, but it will get better. Short term pain, for long term gain.

Until you make a move to help yourself by doing the above nothing is going to change.  We're just going around and around on this thread.

[Amitheotherwoman]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

Until you make a move to help yourself by doing the above nothing is going to change.  We're just going around and around on this thread.

I’ve found everyone’s advice and comments so helpful do thank you all. I’m sorry if you feel like they’ve gone round in circle but I’m finishing my week feeling fine much better & more in control. I felt totally overwhelmed on Sunday & intoxicated. I don’t now. He did text yesterday & I’ve not responded. I don’t feel that burning addiction. I want really peace & happiness 

[Will am I]

It isn’t a circle until you’re back to flirting with the MM.

I think you’re making a real effort to not get caught up into an affair as the OW. I commend you for that.

He texted you. You have his number. You can block him now

[Davina1]

It’s takes many of us many months to stop the circle so you are doing amazing. . Radium and talking here is a great reminder everytime you  waiver 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Will am I said:

He texted you. You have his number. You can block him now

Agreed. 

If you really want off this drama train, OP, here is your chance. 

[stillafool]

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Agreed. 

If you really want off this drama train, OP, here is your chance. 

I agree.  Is he blocked OP?

[Allupinnit]

Oh girl we really are all rooting for you here!  Block HIM! Block HIM! Block HIM!  (in my best Jerry Springer chant)  

[BaileyB]

Block him and do something really nice for yourself - to celebrate the fact that you made a healthy decision for yourself! 

Go out this weekend, have some fun! Leave this man where he belongs, in the past. 

[Poppy47]

On 7/27/2022 at 12:58 AM, Amitheotherwoman said:

No we haven’t spelt together. We met up after 6 days of talking. I had no time but was just desperate to see him so we had a coffee & talked. 
 

i agree with what you’re saying. Tbh I already feel isolated & mentally crap 

YOu are going to feel amilion times crapper than you do now if you pursue this path.  

[Poppy47]

On 7/28/2022 at 2:22 AM, Amitheotherwoman said:

Ok. God I’ve never not replied to anyone in my life! I would feel like I should explain but I think he’d get it. But you’re right I guess. Or maybe you’re right that I am hoping he persuades me. 
the cold turkeyness of the past 3 days had actually helped. I really hope I don’t hear x

YOu don't owe him anything after only 6 days and a coffee.

Believe me if you explain to him, you will heaer from him and you will continue .

 

[Dale F]

On 7/24/2022 at 8:43 AM, Amitheotherwoman said:

So, I’ve found myself googling forums like this as I don’t know how I can talk to anyone in my life about it. Perhaps that says it all. 
After 15 years I’ve been back in in touch with someone who I always considered a “one that got away”as at the time I couldn’t see what was good for me, and had very low confidence. He’s now married with children & we started chatting online 5 weeks ago. Since then we’ve basically spoken every day, met up the first week & the conversations have become increasingly intimate & I can’t stop thinking about him. I’m trying to block out how wrong it is because it makes me feel so good. But I feel like we are on the brink of an affair & I don’t know how to stop it, if I want to or how to protect myself.
I’m in my 30’s, still single & haven’t had someone make me feel like this in so long.

Any advice?

Life is "unfairly" short and we're on this earth but for a brief moment.

When a married man - especially those who got away - return to that special woman we once loved, it means no one has yet replaced her in our hearts. And when this happens, surely, there is something severely lacking in the life of a man with the responsibilities of being a husband and a father. 

I knew a man who loved his wife and adored his children. He never abandoned those he was responsible for. Nevertheless, at some point, he came to the realization that after 20 years, he was unhappy in his marriage.

Somewhere along this trajectory, the married man met a woman who was equally unhappy in her marriage. She took care of her husband, his parents, and their children. Despite being an aesthetically appealing woman - a "true head-turner" - her husband made her feel like an unworthy servant. He made her feel like an ugly woman. When these two beings (accidentally) met, the married man lifted the woman's self-esteem. He treated her like a princess and reminded her how lovely she truly was. 

For 5 years, those two beings loved each other when love was lacking in their personal lives. They comforted each other when no one else comforted them. They became each other's primary source of support. When the embers of their marriages dimmed to a faint glow, they lit a great fire which went unseen unheard by those around them. They truly loved each other.    

  

Edited July 31, 2022 by Dale F

[Wiseman2]

On 7/29/2022 at 2:01 AM, Amitheotherwoman said:

I want really peace & happiness 

You had a coffee, texts and caught up. Perhaps that will encourage you to regroup and be willing to go on coffee meets/dates with single available men.

[mark clemson]

Hmm. Well, it appears there will be no big romantic bonfire here as this particular prospective OW doesn't seem overly comfortable with the whole situation. There will also be no sudden dramatic blowout WRT to the guy's marriage either, at least on her account. So, "nothing ventured, nothing gained," but also "no news is good news" to a certain extent.

[Allupinnit]

@Amitheotherwoman - I hope you are doing ok.

I suspect the temptation and loneliness might have won out here, I hope we are wrong.  I fear for you, going down this isolating path, as you probably now find yourself with one less place to talk about it for fear of judgement. 😕  

Such is the nature of affairs.

[Amitheotherwoman]

52 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

@Amitheotherwoman - I hope you are doing ok.

I suspect the temptation and loneliness might have won out here, I hope we are wrong.  I fear for you, going down this isolating path, as you probably now find yourself with one less place to talk about it for fear of judgement. 😕  

Such is the nature of affairs.

I haven’t! As I wrote on the last post, I’ve been concentrating on myself & making good choices, i actually have a date tomorrow. 

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, Amitheotherwoman said:

I haven’t! As I wrote on the last post, I’ve been concentrating on myself & making good choices, i actually have a date tomorrow. 

Good for you! Wish you well on your date.