How to stop feeling insecure/worried when friends aren't in contact

[basil67]

Unless they have made a clear statement referring to having a partner or talking about being single, then whether or not they are attached is unclear.

If you want to know, then you need to have a conversation with them. 

[LynneVicious]

I would say you have anxiety which is evidenced by your overthinking. However, there’s no way to answer the questions you’re asking. No one could possibly know, so try and stop driving yourself crazy with figuring things out that no one could know - unless you ask that person directly!

Not healthy. Try reading a book, find a show to binge watch, talk with friends. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Hokuto said:

 I am overthinking it

Can you google OCD or get some medical help for the obsessions?

[Hokuto]

My bday passed and I noticed one good friend did not wish me one even though I saw them wish others. I don't think I really told them but they have FB, so I assumed they would get the bday notification and all. However, we talked a few days ago and I happened to bring  up that my bday passed. They then said with concern "Oh did I wish you a happy birthday?" and I said no so they gave me a belated birthday wish. Based on their response,  Should I feel offended that my friend forgot my birthday and not feel it does not mean we are not good friends.

[basil67]

I'm sorry your feeling slighted by your friend.  Should you feel offended?  I wouldn't feel offended, but you feel however you feel.

Fact is, birthdays simply aren't important to everyone, and we can't gauge how good a friendship is based on one single greeting per year.   Is that friend supportive and caring?  Do they make time to see you?   If so, they are a good friend.

As for FB notifications, don't go assuming anything about what he might have seen.  I get so many of their wretched notifications about all kinds of rubbish and so I never check them at all.  And I have my FB settings so that I don't receive email or text alerts either.  

 

[Hokuto]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry your feeling slighted by your friend.  Should you feel offended?  I wouldn't feel offended, but you feel however you feel.

Fact is, birthdays simply aren't important to everyone, and we can't gauge how good a friendship is based on one single greeting per year.   Is that friend supportive and caring?  Do they make time to see you?   If so, they are a good friend.

As for FB notifications, don't go assuming anything about what he might have seen.  I get so many of their wretched notifications about all kinds of rubbish and so I never check them at all.  And I have my FB settings so that I don't receive email or text alerts either.  

 

How about their response though, what do you make of that?

if you always set things up though but they respond and attend, is that making time

[lana-banana]

I don't think it means anything necessarily. Does this person spend time with you? Talk to you? Make a point to have conversations with you and involve you in their life? If yes, then who cares whether they remember your birthday?

It is a little odd that they don't make an effort to set things up with you. It's good that they respond, but that's still a bit one-sided. If they forgot your birthday and they don't make you feel like a priority, I would say that they do not value your friendship as much as you do.

Edited August 29, 2021 by lana-banana

[Hokuto]

19 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

I don't think it means anything necessarily. Does this person spend time with you? Talk to you? Make a point to have conversations with you and involve you in their life? If yes, then who cares whether they remember your birthday?

It is a little odd that they don't make an effort to set things up with you. It's good that they respond, but that's still a bit one-sided. If they forgot your birthday and they don't make you feel like a priority, I would say that they do not value your friendship as much as you do.

I mean, it is a long distance friend we kept in touch, and is texting first really that bad if they are engaged and respond, i hear that is fine

How about their response though?

[lana-banana]

I am sure this person cares about you, but it sounds like you are much, much more invested in this friendship than they are. I would focus on making friends that are closer (geographically and emotionally speaking).

[Hokuto]

10 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

I am sure this person cares about you, but it sounds like you are much, much more invested in this friendship than they are. I would focus on making friends that are closer (geographically and emotionally speaking).

How am I more invested? I know we are not best friend but we are pretty good friends

[Hokuto]

16 minutes ago, Hokuto said:

 

 

26 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

I am sure this person cares about you, but it sounds like you are much, much more invested in this friendship than they are. I would focus on making friends that are closer (geographically and emotionally speaking).

I mean, they do ask about my life when I talk and I mostly initiate but they have a few times

We did not talk for a month last year and when we talked again, they asked me to zoom them. I admit since then I have offered the other zoom call but they reply and agree

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Hokuto said:

How am I more invested? 

Because you're the one worrying about his response and friendship level. 

Edited August 30, 2021 by basil67

[Hokuto]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Because you're the one worrying about his response and friendship level. 

Ok but does not mean that for sure

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Hokuto said:

I happened to bring  up that my bday passed. They then said with concern "Oh did I wish you a happy birthday?" and I said no so they gave me a belated birthday wish.

People forget stuff, they are human. Reflect of you expect too much perfection from everyone and if you expect to be the only thing on everyone's mind.

He did with you a belated birthday. 

When you put people in damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't positions, it will be hard to keep friends.

Hopefully you had a nice bday with close friends and family. That's more important than a FB friend.

[Blind-Sided]

you are 100% over reacting !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's a birthday !  You get one every year, and to some... they mean very little. (other than the milestones)  I can't remember my kids or folks B-days without putting them on a calendar.  As an adult... I have other things on my mind, other than someone else's B-day.  So... cut your friend some slack, and move on with your life. 

 

[Hokuto]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

People forget stuff, they are human. Reflect of you expect too much perfection from everyone and if you expect to be the only thing on everyone's mind.

He did with you a belated birthday. 

When you put people in damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't positions, it will be hard to keep friends.

Hopefully you had a nice bday with close friends and family. That's more important than a FB friend.

 

They are not just a FB friend, we are pretty good friends

[basil67]

If you are 'pretty good friends' then trust that a forgotten birthday greeting doesn't mean that he's not a friend.

[d0nnivain]

I have childhood friends whose birthdays I rarely remember any more  It doesn't mean I don't love or care about them  It just means they are not the center of my universe.  

[Hokuto]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If you are 'pretty good friends' then trust that a forgotten birthday greeting doesn't mean that he's not a friend.

Valid but you never commented on their response though?

[d0nnivain]

It was polite in the moment when you reminded him he overlooked your birthday.  Frankly you doing that was passive aggressive & not cool.  

[Hokuto]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It was polite in the moment when you reminded him he overlooked your birthday.  Frankly you doing that was passive aggressive & not cool.  

Oh i did not remind him, it just came up like they said something like "you're what, 22"

and I was like "i turned 23 a few days back"

[Hokuto]

I have a long distance friend of 3 years and we kept in contact when they moved last year. They moved again this summer and I did not hear much from them but saw them post a lot on insta being active, so seems they were busy as they have a new 4 day job which is like 10hrs. Another friend said they hardly hear from them too
 I reached out to them to facetime and they made time for me and when they did they said things how fast paced and there is a lot to do. So I asked why they respond late and they apologised saying they enjoy talking to me and our convo but keeping up with long distance friends is hard recently due to the busy life and mentioned they did not talk to another friend either. They say I should not take it personally and appreciated me reaching out.  I do see them engaging/commenting on others social media like insta and said they want to visit another friend who is long distance.  So I was wondering, did they tell me that us being friends is too hard and they ended or are they just busy and it is a habit

TLDR: have not heard much from long distance friend seems they are busy and all but could they just not be interested

[lana-banana]

Yes, they're telling you they aren't interested in remaining friends. If they really wanted to be your friend, distance wouldn't get in the way. I'm sorry. 

This relationship has caused you a lot of anxiety. Do you have coping mechanisms to help you deal with this stress? What about your local friends?

[ShyViolet]

You've made many posts about this same situation.  Posting about it over and over is not going to change anything.... you need to start taking the hints that this person is not as into this long-distance friendship as you are.  This friendship is not a priority to them and they are trying to keep their distance.  Stop obsessing over this person and get other friends.

[Hokuto]

1 hour ago, lana-banana said:

Yes, they're telling you they aren't interested in remaining friends. If they really wanted to be your friend, distance wouldn't get in the way. I'm sorry. 

This relationship has caused you a lot of anxiety. Do you have coping mechanisms to help you deal with this stress? What about your local friends?

Uh how are they telling me that? They said replies are late for long distance friends in general not just me. They also said they appreciate me reaching out to them though. It seems they just reply late in general to long distance friends as they have a lot going on at the moment as they said they do not have enough time for themselves

I mean we face timed for like an hr and I just asked why they reply late and explained that and said not to take it personally

They mentioned they have not talked to another friend either

Edited September 7, 2021 by Hokuto