How to stop feeling insecure/worried when friends aren't in contact

[ASG]

13 hours ago, Hokuto said:

I have two other friends
1. I asked one of them to zoom and they said they were visiting their folks, which is understandable. I then asked again and waited for a time and no reply and they told me they get tired after work going into their new job. I asked on one platform and they did not see it and I asked them a few days later on another. They said we should do it on a time and I agreed but we talked 4 days as they asked me to reschedule  and we did finally.

2. Another friend, when I asked, they visited their folks too first time and had bad wifi , second time they had a friend in town and last time they told me they had a lot going on with jobs applying and all but said they are not avoiding it but were tired and was not avoiding it and we talked like 2 weeks ago.

are they flakey or wishy washy?

People have lives and don't have to be available to you 24/7. 

For a friend to tell you they are not avoiding you, you must really be putting the pressure on!!!!! When you're long distance, you tend to distance yourself a bit! 

For instance, when I'm in my home country, I have dinner at my mom's twice a week and dinner with my dad once a week. When I'm abroad, they're lucky if I call them every other week! You just don't make time for people the same way, because you are busy with your actual life.

 

They are not flaky. They just have better things to do than zoom with a long distance friend. I'd rather go out with actual people any day than zoom! And I love to zoom with my long distance friends. But only if I don't have any other plans and aren't too tired!

[glows]

Have you met these people in person at all? 

Try meeting people in person and get together in person. 

Also why does it have to be zoom? A regular 10-15 minute or short phone call would work. Is there anything specific you need to talk about with these people in particular?

[Hokuto]

2 hours ago, ASG said:

People have lives and don't have to be available to you 24/7. 

For a friend to tell you they are not avoiding you, you must really be putting the pressure on!!!!! When you're long distance, you tend to distance yourself a bit! 

For instance, when I'm in my home country, I have dinner at my mom's twice a week and dinner with my dad once a week. When I'm abroad, they're lucky if I call them every other week! You just don't make time for people the same way, because you are busy with your actual life.

 

They are not flaky. They just have better things to do than zoom with a long distance friend. I'd rather go out with actual people any day than zoom! And I love to zoom with my long distance friends. But only if I don't have any other plans and aren't too tired!

Sounds fair. How about this friend  though   

So I have another friend who became long distance and we kept in contact. I was wondering if they are flakey:

Last year when chatting, they said they wanted to talk to me and we should zoom, but did not give a date and I agreed. When I followed up a littl later, they said they should have gotten back to me but they had mental health issues and I found it understandable. We still texted but managed to zoom later in 2 months.  During the time between, we regularly texted/messaged

I asked them to zoom again later, they agreed but on the day when I asked when is a good time, they told me they forgot as they didn't go on social media that day and to be fair, I napped too

Next time, month later asked them to zoom, no responses for a long time but they did reply and explain my messages got buried along with others as they looked for jobs and houses in fb and we set up a time

I did ask to zoom but they didn't see it as they were moving and packing

Over the summer, I asked to zoom and they did not reply or see it for a while . I texted them asking if things were fine and they said we will zoom and they are busy and another friend didn't hear from them as well. I offered to postpone. I then asked to zoom month later and they said they had friends visiting but said to let them think of a time. I offered to postpone again and agreed. We did catch up like 2 weeks later and all

How does this sound? Has this one been flakey or has a history of blowing me off

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, Hokuto said:

I have two other friends
1. I asked one of them to zoom and they said they were visiting their folks, which is understandable. I then asked again and waited for a time and no reply and they told me they get tired after work going into their new job. I asked on one platform and they did not see it and I asked them a few days later on another. They said we should do it on a time and I agreed but we talked 4 days as they asked me to reschedule  and we did finally.

2. Another friend, when I asked, they visited their folks too first time and had bad wifi , second time they had a friend in town and last time they told me they had a lot going on with jobs applying and all but said they are not avoiding it but were tired and was not avoiding it and we talked like 2 weeks ago.

are they flakey or wishy washy?

No they aren't. but you are expecting too much from long distance acquaintances.  They don't have time for you but are trying to not hurt your feelings.

[vla1120]

I don't even like to talk on the phone, let alone Facetime (or Zoom). You can carry on a friendship just fine by texting. It's non-invasive and allows them to answer at their leisure. They're not flaky. They're just living their lives on their terms. 

[Hokuto]

40 minutes ago, stillafool said:

No they aren't. but you are expecting too much from long distance acquaintances.  They don't have time for you but are trying to not hurt your feelings.

They are not acquintances, both are good friends

[basil67]

Perhaps they were good friends, but they aren't good friends any more.  Same for the third friend you added to the list.    My advice is to stop contacting them and see if they ever contact you.  Leave the ball in their courts.

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Hokuto said:

They are not acquintances, both are good friends

They still can't babysit loneliness or boredom. You need to broaden your horizons and make friends closer who you don't have to schedule videochats with..

[Hokuto]

30 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Perhaps they were good friends, but they aren't good friends any more.  Same for the third friend you added to the list.    My advice is to stop contacting them and see if they ever contact you.  Leave the ball in their courts.

 

What makes you say that for the first two

[Hokuto]

42 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Perhaps they were good friends, but they aren't good friends any more.  Same for the third friend you added to the list.    My advice is to stop contacting them and see if they ever contact you.  Leave the ball in their courts.

 

I mean, i have, I only ask like after months of not doing, like 4 months after or 6 months

[basil67]

25 minutes ago, Hokuto said:

What makes you say that for the first two

Your description of their behaviour.  It's classic avoidance.

13 minutes ago, Hokuto said:

I mean, i have, I only ask like after months of not doing, like 4 months after or 6 months

So stop reaching out altogether and see if they ever contact you.  If they don't reach out to you, then you know that they are no longer interested in the friendship.

I agree with @Wiseman2 that it's time to find new friends.

[Hokuto]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Your description of their behaviour.  It's classic avoidance.

So stop reaching out altogether and see if they ever contact you.  If they don't reach out to you, then you know that they are no longer interested in the friendship.

I agree with @Wiseman2 that it's time to find new friends.

If they wantd to avoid me, why would they agree to talk eventually and we do

What do you consider contact? a txt

[Hokuto]

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Your description of their behaviour.  It's classic avoidance.

So stop reaching out altogether and see if they ever contact you.  If they don't reach out to you, then you know that they are no longer interested in the friendship.

I agree with @Wiseman2 that it's time to find new friends.

For my third friend, do you think they were not being truthful about mental health or not seeing my message/got buried

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Hokuto said:

If they wantd to avoid me, why would they agree to talk eventually and we do

What do you consider contact? a txt

Likely because they feel sorry for you.  

1 hour ago, Hokuto said:

For my third friend, do you think they were not being truthful about mental health or not seeing my message/got buried

We can't tell you.  But it does appear that you're not high on their priority list. 

[jspice]

1 hour ago, Hokuto said:

If they wantd to avoid me, why would they agree to talk eventually and we do

What do you consider contact? a txt

Because you’re nagging them to talk. People rarely come out and say “I don’t want to talk to you”. So they’re trying to be polite but you won’t take the hint. 
 

Stop putting people on the spot. They don’t want to talk. 

[Hokuto]

17 hours ago, basil67 said:

Likely because they feel sorry for you.  

We can't tell you.  But it does appear that you're not high on their priority list. 

Why do you say I am not high?

 

17 hours ago, jspice said:

Because you’re nagging them to talk. People rarely come out and say “I don’t want to talk to you”. So they’re trying to be polite but you won’t take the hint. 
 

Stop putting people on the spot. They don’t want to talk. 

You mean the other two, right?

 

17 hours ago, basil67 said:

Likely because they feel sorry for you.  

We can't tell you.  But it does appear that you're not high on their priority list. 

am I also not high for my other two friends?

for my third friend, are you sure? I mean they have legit reasons such as not seeing at as my message got lost with others for example

[jspice]

41 minutes ago, Hokuto said:

Why do you say I am not high?

 

You mean the other two, right?

I mean all of them. 

[ASG]

42 minutes ago, Hokuto said:

Why do you say I am not high?

 

You mean the other two, right?

 

am I also not high for my other two friends?

for my third friend, are you sure? I mean they have legit reasons such as not seeing at as my message got lost with others for example

They have legit reasons, but did they, at any point, reach out TO YOU?! 

They didn't. They don't hate you. They just don't have time for you in their life. So they're polite, they avoid, but they don't make the effort. 

They are not flakey. They just have other things on their minds and going on in their lives and you are not a priority. 

This is OKAY!!!!!! 

Most of my long distance friends I only speak to when I'm close to them and we can actually meet up. 

Apart from lockdowns, I got very bored of one on one zooms! And now don't do them at all. 

I still do group zooms here and there, when they're organised by someone else and if I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO! 

 

[Hokuto]

3 hours ago, ASG said:

They have legit reasons, but did they, at any point, reach out TO YOU?! 

They didn't. They don't hate you. They just don't have time for you in their life. So they're polite, they avoid, but they don't make the effort. 

They are not flakey. They just have other things on their minds and going on in their lives and you are not a priority. 

This is OKAY!!!!!! 

Most of my long distance friends I only speak to when I'm close to them and we can actually meet up. 

Apart from lockdowns, I got very bored of one on one zooms! And now don't do them at all. 

I still do group zooms here and there, when they're organised by someone else and if I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO! 

 

You mean my two friends, right?

[Hokuto]

3 hours ago, jspice said:

I mean all of them. 

I mean, if they did, why did my the third one be like " I wanna talk, let's zoom" in the first place then?

[Hokuto]

3 hours ago, ASG said:

They have legit reasons, but did they, at any point, reach out TO YOU?! 

They didn't. They don't hate you. They just don't have time for you in their life. So they're polite, they avoid, but they don't make the effort. 

They are not flakey. They just have other things on their minds and going on in their lives and you are not a priority. 

This is OKAY!!!!!! 

Most of my long distance friends I only speak to when I'm close to them and we can actually meet up. 

Apart from lockdowns, I got very bored of one on one zooms! And now don't do them at all. 

I still do group zooms here and there, when they're organised by someone else and if I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO! 

 

Have they blown me off and what do you mean by avoid

[Hokuto]

3 hours ago, ASG said:

They have legit reasons, but did they, at any point, reach out TO YOU?! 

They didn't. They don't hate you. They just don't have time for you in their life. So they're polite, they avoid, but they don't make the effort. 

They are not flakey. They just have other things on their minds and going on in their lives and you are not a priority. 

This is OKAY!!!!!! 

Most of my long distance friends I only speak to when I'm close to them and we can actually meet up. 

Apart from lockdowns, I got very bored of one on one zooms! And now don't do them at all. 

I still do group zooms here and there, when they're organised by someone else and if I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO! 

 

What do you cosnider reaching out

[ASG]

49 minutes ago, Hokuto said:

Have they blown me off and what do you mean by avoid

Surely you know the meaning of avoid. They either don't reply, or they are non commital about talking/zooming, etc. 

That's avoidance. 

And that doesn't mean they don't like you. Just that they aren't thinking about you all the time. 

They are not wondering whether you're their friend or not. They have their life. 

They probably do consider you a friend. But they don't measure it by how often you speak. They aren't CLOSE FRIENDS. just regular friends. 

Sometimes they might have the time and the inclination to speak to you. And they do! Which is fine. 

But stop obsessing about them. 

Make local friends who you can actually hang out with and stop making these endless threads about whether your long distance friends are your friends or not. 

 

[ASG]

47 minutes ago, Hokuto said:

What do you cosnider reaching out

Seriously?! 

Do they ever text you out of their own backs, without you having texted first? 

Do they suggest zooms before you do? 

I mean... This is reaching out. 

 

Do they do this? 

[Foxhall]

How does the conversation generally go when you eventually get around to a call,

Are they keeping the conversation going mostly or have you loads of interesting things to say?

have some exciting project that you are involved with yourself,  that you can talk about, or perhaps you had a nice date and want to chat about it,

start building a life of your own and then your friends will be more interested in talking to you,