I made a mistake and want my ex-gf back

[Normm]

The phrase "out of the frying pan and into the fire" comes to mind.

[django]

The phrase "out of the frying pan and into the fire" comes to mind.

 

Yeah, I get that. Bubbling up through all the love I'm feeling is a sense of dread. I dont' know what I'm getting myself back into and there is a creeping unease.

[Turning point]

I just couldn't give her what she needed. I took her for granted ... I made her feel like a chore. I didn't listen

 

Nothing in those departments appears to have changed. Your mistake wasn't breaking up with her - it was the 2 years of reason you gave her to remain broken up.

 

She likely wants to regain her personal power, that thing she lost while not getting what she needed, being taken for granted, and made to feel like a pest.

 

You should take this time to figure out what being in a relationship requires of a person.

 

It's unlikely someone with 2 years of experience culminating with a break-up of this sort would return to you. It's just not a smart move.

[django]

Welp, she's gone again. After setting up plans yesterday for tonight, she called me a few hours ago to tell me that she feels that we're codependent and can't be together right now. She really has no idea what she wants and I'm feeling very very tired of this.

[Normm]

If there is a next time don't be so available to her. Learn how to say no.

[django]

If there is a next time don't be so available to her. Learn how to say no.

 

I know. I feel impossibly stupid and naive. She came very close to suggesting that she only slept with me because I talked her into it. I'm incredulous.

[Beachead]

@django

 

She really has no idea what she wants and I'm feeling very very tired of this.

 

It doesn't seem to be clicking with you that you both need time and silence no matter how many times people tell you. Only way for you to learn is to learn the hard way.

 

Yes, you ignored her texts but the moment she escalated it to a call, you threw everything you knew out the window, and ran right back to her, hoping for reconciliation. Do you think her core emotions can change on a whim? The only thing you're showing her is that you're weak and unable to do what's best for both you and her and therefore are incapable of having a relationship with her just as much as she is incapable of having one with you. The fact that she is trying to do what's best for both of you is suggestive of her lack of faith in your strength. You're also teaching her you have no backbone because you don't step up and establish boundaries for yourself. As a result she's losing respect for you. Quitting you cold turkey is too difficult, so instead she's using your hope, to help ween herself off of you. Little by little she is getting over you and you're going to feel her become distant.

 

Keep it up and I promise, you'll be around long enough to witness your ex-girlfriend meet someone new and/or distance from you to the point where you two might as well stop talking. And you're going to sit there after it's done, feeling used and abused.

 

- Beach

Edited August 6, 2019 by Beachead

[django]

@django

 

 

 

It doesn't seem to be clicking with you that you both need time and silence no matter how many times people tell you. Only way for you to learn is to learn the hard way.

 

Yes, you ignored her texts but the moment she escalated it to a call, you threw everything you knew out the window, and ran right back to her, hoping for reconciliation. Do you think her core emotions can change on a whim? The only thing you're showing her is that you're weak and unable to do what's best for both you and her and therefore are incapable of having a relationship with her just as much as she is incapable of having one with you. The fact that she is trying to do what's best for both of you is suggestive of her lack of faith in your strength. You're also teaching her you have no backbone because you don't step up and establish boundaries for yourself. As a result she's losing respect for you. Quitting you cold turkey is too difficult, so instead she's using your hope, to help ween herself off of you. Little by little she is going to become distant.

 

Keep it up and I promise, you'll be around long enough to witness your ex-girlfriend meet someone new and/or distance from you to the point where you two might as well stop talking. And you're going to sit there after it's done, feeling used and abused.

 

- Beach

 

You're absolutely right. It's all gone now and she's not coming back. 24 hours ago we had plans to spend tonight together. I should have been stronger for both of us. Were I able to describe my surprise I might be a professional writer.

 

Thank you for your guidance on this. Really. I know it's the internet and we're all essentially strangers but the comfort I've found in this thread is a real thing.

[Beachead]

@django

 

And she has to be strong too! Yes she's the dumpee, but she's also being reckless here because she knows she can be, because you're not putting your foot down and saying "Enough." You both are mutually exacerbating an already toxic situation by remaining in contact with eachother when you both know it's bad for the both you.

 

This is a sign that the both of you are incapable at this point of having a healthy relationship. That doesn't mean you won't be capable in the future but right now, it's a no. The longer you stick in this drama, the worse it'll get it'll worsen your already slim chances of getting back together.

 

The next time she starts contacting you (if she does), don't respond to her. The outcome will be the same. It's been the same crap for 2 months, don't con yourself into believing things can change in a month. Her core feelings are still there and the only way (If there is a way) they're going to change is if she gets the time and distance she needs to process everything. People cannot gain clarity or a true grasp of what they're feeling when they're tangled like this, in a short time span. It's not possible, unless you go through some kind of trauma that ends up triggering something.

 

She is the one that told you you both have to stop talking. Let her stew in the silence and think about it all for a long time. If she really wants you back, she'll break and come clean about her feelings. At which point, if you want her back, seal the deal at that point. Give it 1 year. That's the kind of timeline you're looking at. In the meantime, you use that year to focus on your life. You may even find that after some time, you won't care all that much about having her back, anymore. You never know.

 

I'm happy to help but hope this info is connecting

 

- Beach

Edited August 6, 2019 by Beachead

[Highndry]

Once a person gets dumped, they'll never forget it. You can't ever put that genie back in the bottle. Even if they get back together with the dumper, they'll always be waiting for the next shoe to drop. That's why this is a lesson on why you never, ever, ever dump somebody unless you mean it. It permanently damages the relationship.

[Yokoyan]

Once a person gets dumped, they'll never forget it. You can't ever put that genie back in the bottle. Even if they get back together with the dumper, they'll always be waiting for the next shoe to drop. That's why this is a lesson on why you never, ever, ever dump somebody unless you mean it. It permanently damages the relationship.

it is too painful to forget it and it certainly damages the relationship.

[django]

There is someone else, and she was lying to me the entire weekend. I'm very hurt, but at the same time I hope that she's moving away from pain. I'm incredibly sorry about how this has turned out.

[Beachead]

@django

 

How'd you find out?

[django]

@django

 

How'd you find out?

 

Id seen a name on her phone while we were together, and she denied that something was going on. When we talked yesterday, she said there was no one else and that this was simply about being alone. I did a little detective work, and her car was at his house today.

 

I feel deep, deep shame that I had to find out the truth this way. But now I know, and it's really done. IT doesn't make this any easier right now. She was so sincere all weekend, saying all the things I wanted to hear. I can't believe how good she is at this.

[Beachead]

@django

 

Stop talking to her. Stop snooping around in her life. Take her off of your social media. Pull her number off of your phone. Box her gifts and her possessions and whatever else belongs to her and get it out of your sight. You don't have to throw all of it away if it hurts too much to do. You just have to get it out of your sight so you don't have reminders of her hurting you ever minute. Go radio silent and begin NC.

 

You haven't started yet and it's time you do.

[django]

@django

 

Stop talking to her. Stop snooping around in her life. Take her off of your social media. Pull her number off of your phone. Box her gifts and her possessions and whatever else belongs to her and get it out of your sight. You don't have to throw all of it away if it hurts too much to do. You just have to get it out of your sight so you don't have reminders of her hurting you ever minute. Go radio silent and begin NC.

 

You haven't started yet and it's time you do.

 

Youre right. Im just in denial right now. She was so convincing. I need to go to bed.

[Blanco]

You're going to probably be hit by another wave of emotions in the coming days now that you know there's someone else. Don't be surprised if you feel once again that you really have lost "the one" because now she is not only not with you; she's with someone else.

 

Do yourself a favor and do whatever you can to not learn anything more about this new guy. I'll admit I've done the drive by thing in the past, so I can empathize. Still, it's not right and it's a serious boundary issue. The last thing you need on top of all this is accusations that you're stalking her.

 

It doesn't feel like it, but this is probably the best outcome. I didn't see you two getting back together, but at least now you have a more blunt sign that it's over. Don't feel like you've got to feel better right away, but cease all contact with her and avoid any information about them like the plague.

[Maddie82]

@django

 

Stop talking to her. Stop snooping around in her life. Take her off of your social media. Pull her number off of your phone. Box her gifts and her possessions and whatever else belongs to her and get it out of your sight. You don't have to throw all of it away if it hurts too much to do. You just have to get it out of your sight so you don't have reminders of her hurting you ever minute. Go radio silent and begin NC.

 

You haven't started yet and it's time you do.

 

Completely agree with this. She played you. Time to say goodbye for good.

[django]

I've removed her from everything. I just don't understand why she'd go through all the trouble of deceiving me when she could have just been honest with me. I'd told her several times that I only wanted honesty. She seemed so, so sincere last weekend and I'm genuinely shocked that she'd bother behaving like that when there was obviously something else in the works. It calls into question everything she ever said to me. All the notes and snuggles and texts. None of them seem true anymore.

 

Her behavior will likely bother me for a very long time.

[django]

 

Do yourself a favor and do whatever you can to not learn anything more about this new guy. I'll admit I've done the drive by thing in the past, so I can empathize. Still, it's not right and it's a serious boundary issue. The last thing you need on top of all this is accusations that you're stalking her.

 

It doesn't feel like it, but this is probably the best outcome. I didn't see you two getting back together, but at least now you have a more blunt sign that it's over. Don't feel like you've got to feel better right away, but cease all contact with her and avoid any information about them like the plague.

 

I know. I feel awful about having had to find some certainty this way and it's not going to happen anymore.

[elaine567]

When you decide to split up with someone from that moment they are no longer yours, they are a free agent and are indeed capable of anything.

 

I guess the "reconciliation" last weekend was a last ditch attempt by her to give it a go with you, but she couldn't do it.

Once all those previously loving feelings get replaced by hurt and sadness and desperation and anger and doubt, then it is difficult to get them back.

When there is a new person waiting who does not come with all that negativity it is difficult to say no.

A new broom sweeps clean.

[Beachead]

@django

 

Just stop responding. That's it.

 

I warned you her confusion would be dangerous because it'd mess with your head. Now here you are overanalyzing her actions and snooping around. I also warned you to step off the moment she rejected your attempt to reconcile with her. You chose to stay and respond to her. And in doing so, you've showed her you can't live without her. But she's not sure she wants you back. So now she can talk to you as she pleases without having to commit and at the same time can search for someone new. You essentially become her backup plan. In the movies, choosing to stay is romantic. In real life, it only teaches her you're insecure and not capable of having a relationship. Makes you look weak.

 

Just looking at your posts in this thread, you are all over the place man. One day you've promised not to talk to her but then you contact her or she contacts you and something happens. You get upset. You'll vow not to break NC this time. That is, until she contacts you and you respond again. Something happens and you wind up upset again. Rinse and repeat several times. So there's not much here to inspire my confidence in your words because of what you're displaying. And that's okay here. Here you are safe to express yourself freely. But all I'm saying is a stranger online can sense your emotional instability, imagine what she feels? Do you think that inspires her confidence in your feelings?

 

This is why she's openly admitted to her uncertainty about your feelings. This is also why she knows she can run back to you when she gets weak and coincidently why she never commits to you. It's because she knows doesn't need to. She can have you without being with you. This is why I told if you keep this up, you'll likely mess up the little chance you have of something happening.

 

Also consider this..you snooped..and you did so because you don't trust her. Without trust, how do you suppose you'll have a relationship with her? What do you think the quality of that relationship will be like?

 

She's also a total mess as well. I bet you if she is seeing someone else, he doesn't know what's going on with you and her right now. And she is messing with a new guy while confused, meaning he's likely to get burned down the road.

 

I know you're heartbroken and lost. So instead of running back to her the moment she calls you, in your fried mental-state...understand what's happening here and prioritize your well-being. If you can't do that, then you are in no condition to be in a relationship. Period.

 

 

 

- Beach

Edited August 7, 2019 by Beachead

[django]

@Beachead

 

You've been absolutely right about everything you've said.

 

I just received a very good job offer, but it's closer to her. It's a good job and puts me near the city I prefer, and the money is where I need it to be. I'm concerned that I'd be taking it because I'm clinging to some hope somewhere. I'm also concerned that she will interpret this very badly and I don't even know why I'm worried about what she'll think.

[Blanco]

Don't take the job, unless good jobs in your industry are scarce. As it comes to relocation, you should trying to move further away from her, if anything.

[Beachead]

Well, a new job will bring about anxiety and stress to fit in and perform well. So it may actually provide the necessary initial distraction you need to help you get passed her and may actually offset the negative impact that being closer to her may bring. That area will bring about new feelings and experiences associated with work and this may overwrite some of those old memories and feelings associated with her. You might end up feeling better in the long-run.

 

If jobs are scarce in your field, you can take the job. See how it goes. See how you feel. If it works out such that you actually feel much better after a few months, then keep it and keep going. If you find yourself feeling worse because of the proximity and you just can't forget about her, then leave it. Atleast this way, you tried.

 

On the flip side, being closer to her might be the worst thing for your well-being. It might delay your healing as well if such is the case. There won't be much sense in taking that job with a state of mind that's still in the dumpster. It'll end up affecting your job performance. This is actually what happened to me when I took a new job shortly after a breakup. I started grieving while still on probation. My performance drastically suffered and it didn't work out. Right now, you're grieving. As long as this job doesn't take up all your time and does leave room for you feel things, it's okay. Otherwise, it might end up making you bury your pain and it'll all erupt some months later like it did for me.

 

Personally, I'd follow Blanco's advice and hold out for a job in the opposite direction from her. That'll be a guaranteed new start, away from her.

 

- Beach