I made a mistake and want my ex-gf back

[Beachead]

@django

 

No, you're not dumb. You were going through a lot which led to you ending it; reasons that are important for you to consider. You aren't aware of them yet. You will be down the road.

 

Worst mistake I made with women who were unsure about things was continue to remain in their life. Nothing drives them more in the opposite direction than that. You need to be composed, even when you don't feel like you can be. Even when you want to fall apart. Cry it out on here and in your journal but from now on, never to her. The sooner you accept your conditions and move forward, the sooner you'll get to the point where you feel better. Not easy at all and a slow process but entirely possible.

 

As I mentioned, she needs to feel what it's like without you so that she can discover whether she misses you or not. Whether that leads to her realizing she doesn't care anymore or she actually does and wishes to be with you again, is something that'll ONLY happen with the silence and the distance. Even if she's with someone else right now, it's still too soon for her and she's still going to be working out her feelings in that relationship. If you don't hear from her again, it means she's done. If you do, run the situation by us and we can advise you on the next step.

 

No matter what, your move right now is to step back and begin putting your energy into your own healing. Take it day by day. Hour by hour if you have to.

 

When you get caught up in the pain and the emotions, focus on the next most logical move.

 

- Beach

Edited July 22, 2019 by Beachead

[django]

We're going to talk on the phone later today. I really hope I do not mess this up any more than it already is. I really don't want to upset her any more.

Edited July 22, 2019 by django

[serial muse]

django, can I ask...have you taken any time to think about what's at the source of your fear of committing, and whether you even want to get married?

 

I ask because I can hear loud and clear that you're panicking and regretful, and I'm sure she can too. But she has said several times that she's not sure you really do feel as strongly as she does; I don't know either of you, of course, but it may be that she's pretty darn astute.

 

I suspect, although again I don't know you, that your commitment issues have to do with the alcoholism in your family. Sounds to me like there's a lot more to probe there about whatever you feel currently burdened with, and whether you were using her as a convenient crutch, someone to unconditionally love you and be steady for you when you felt other relationships were on constantly shifting sands.

 

That doesn't mean you don't actually love her. But it does sound to me, and apparently to her, like you're just in panic mode right now because your rock has decided to step away from that dynamic (thanks to a hearty push from you, and I get why you're kicking yourself over that one). If you do get back together, you'll need to think about that - it's not a healthy dynamic, and perhaps it's for the best that it was called out into the light.

 

Again, that doesn't mean that you can't get back together. But you'll need more than a ring or desperate words to make it work this time around. You need to understand yourself. I've read all six pages of this thread and I still don't know whether you actually want to be married, or why you fled from it. Why not take a little while, perhaps with a licensed therapist, to examine that stuff? Then, if you decide that she is the one for you, you can approach her with that newfound, and utterly more convincing, knowledge.

 

Yes, you run the risk of her finding someone else in the meantime. But you also have the option of feeling a) more certain about what you want; and b) less codependent and unstable. That's...probably worth the risk.

[Saracena]

We're going to talk on the phone later today. I really hope I do not mess this up any more than it already is. I really don't want to upset her any more.

 

Who made this arrangement then?

[django]

We talked. I was as upfront as possible and said that I was fully committed now and I'm sorry that it took this to get me to that point. She suggested that I was just lonely. I told her that I'n fine with solitude, that I was sure she was what i wanted, and that I hoped she'd be able to keep a door open in the future. She's not sure if she'll ever be able to see me again and not feel pain. Understandably, she's very concerned that I'd do this to her again, and has begun the process of highlighting my faults. She's seeing other people, but she said it's not working. I ended the conversation by saying that I loved her and hoped we could try again someday.

 

I've already deleted her number. The guilt and grief is incredible, and interacting with me caused her so much hurt that I'm not sure I can ever be a part of her life. I know there are other girls, but I think this mistake will haunt me for a very long time.

Edited July 23, 2019 by django

[django]

As I mentioned, she needs to feel what it's like without you so that she can discover whether she misses you or not. Whether that leads to her realizing she doesn't care anymore or she actually does and wishes to be with you again, is something that'll ONLY happen with the silence and the distance. Even if she's with someone else right now, it's still too soon for her and she's still going to be working out her feelings in that relationship. If you don't hear from her again, it means she's done. If you do, run the situation by us and we can advise you on the next step.

 

It's clear that she misses me. When we talked she began weeping and said that she loves me and thinks about me and all the time and doesn't know what she's supposed to do. I need to stay as far away as I can, possibly for the rest of my life. I need to do a lot of mental work on myself. I never want to do this to anyone again. I think there is something very wrong with me and it's likely that I'm simply selfish. I'm far too old to be so clueless about these sorts of things.

 

I am absolutely sure that having her out of my life made me fully commit to having her in it. The fact that I had to break it to figure out that I wanted it doesn't make me unique or intriguing or complicated, it makes me a profoundly defective person who can't sort his **** out without causing the kind of collateral damage that affects people for a very long time.

Edited July 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited quote

[Beachead]

@django

 

I've seen and heard stories of people doing far worse. You're not that bad. If you have some issues to sort out, you certainly won't be able to do it with your head in this condition right now. You need time and space from her for months for your head to begin gaining some clarity. When you get to that point, things will make a bit more sense for you and you won't feel so messed up and hopeless.

 

Just make sure you take her off of social media if you have her on anything. If you don't, seeing her life updates on any of these platforms are going to break your heart and send you steps back. She has your number. If she wants to contact you, she will. If she doesn't contact you, it's because she doesn't want to. Like I said, trust that silence and it will be a reliable answer for you.

 

It is the safest and cleanest route to getting your head right.

Edited July 23, 2019 by Beachead

[django]

@django

 

Make sure you take her off of social media if you have her on anything. If you don't, seeing her life updates on any of these platforms are going to break your heart and send you steps back. She has your number. If she wants to contact you, she will. If she doesn't contact you, it's because she doesn't want to. That silence should be a sufficient answer for you.

 

I hope you don't contact her but I have a feeling, you're going to want to in the coming days because you're addicted to your ex, and your mind is going to try and find some reason to get back to her. All I can tell you is not to. At this point, there is no justifiable reason for you two to talk again unless she reaches out.

 

Stay in No Contact now and try not to break it.

 

I'm going no contact, but I'm going to keep her on my social media. I don't use it, but my family does, and she and my family are incredibly close. In a way, I want to see it, I want to see that she's fine. Your hunch is correct, though. I'd considered removing her from everything but still emailing her and letting her know why, but I was suspicious of my own motives. I'm not going to do anything at all. I'm not going to contact her because it causes her incredible pain and plays what is likely a very large part in her inability to move on, and I want that to stop. I am so lacking in forethought and empathy that the consequences of my actions are honestly shocking to me. If for no other reason, I cannot contact her because it hurts her.

[django]

I keep going over what we talked about and all the things I'm going to miss. She needs more time, and nothing has changed, really, but I can't help but wonder if I said the right things. She said she's just lost and it was clear how upsetting talking to me was. I made it clear that the door was always open and that if she needed anything, I was here. I can't do anything else now.

 

I just want express my gratitude to you all. I'm so glad to have this help.

[spiritedaway2003]

I keep going over what we talked about and all the things I'm going to miss. She needs more time, and nothing has changed, really, but I can't help but wonder if I said the right things.

 

That's the hardest part of breaking up or NC. Missing that person. Replaying the good times. Replaying the conversations. Thinking about the what could have been. It's hard. I know. I'm there myself (but I also know it's not a healthy state of mind).

 

You told her the door's open. She knows where to find you know if or when she's ready. You gave it your all, so that's the best you can do. Give her the space. Post here when you need too. I had some tough times and LS helped. Best of luck.

[The Outlaw]

Sending a letter/text/voicemail or anything for that matter at this point in time will be for nothing, because it's more than evident that she's moved on or she's trying to. That's why she won't contact you. First rule of road to recovery from a breakup is NC. But the best thing you can do in turn is to learn from what happened and move on yourself. It isn't what you want to hear, but it's all you can do.

[Beachead]

@django

 

It's up to you if you wish to keep her on social media or not but I am certain your family is going to report to you things she's up to. Every single update you hear of is going to set you back which might make you want to contact her. If they end up showing you a picture of her with another guy, it'll really break your heart. On one hand, it'll be good to see those things just because it'll remind you she's moving on which may help you move on..but on the other hand, everytime you rip open your stitches, your wounds won't heal and you leave yourself liable to contacting her. So I don't advise it. But to you though.

 

All in all, you just require time at this point. Something you have not given yourself yet. You haven't experienced what it's like not to speak to her for duration of time. That in itself will be an entirely foreign experience to you. It's going to bring out feelings that you've never experienced before, which you'll have to learn how to work through, without contacting her.

 

You'll cry and have rough nights and think about her until holding onto her hurts far more than letting her go. That's when, for your sanity and for self-preservation you'll finally begin letting go of all the things that kept you stuck on her; hope. Belongings from her. etc. From there, it gets better.

 

But if you break NC, that turning point and the whole process of grieving and healing delays itself a couple of weeks, maybe months, maybe even years, depending on how stubborn you are.

 

Not speaking to her to not hurt her is very noble but you should be considering yourself as well. The fact that you feel all this guilt/regret is the biggest danger to your ability to move forward. I am telling you right now, those emotions are extremely potent and can keep a person stuck in the past forever. You're going to need all the energy and focus you can muster to process what happened, to learn about yourself, to find forgiveness in yourself, and get through it.

 

3 things are required to heal:

 

1. Alone time to feel and think about things so that you can process it and learn about yourself more. When you get to know yourself better, you'll start making adjustments and that'll help become better at dealing with relationships and life. Also knowing why you did certain things in the relationship and after the breakup can help you trace the source of it all. That will help you forgive yourself.

 

2. Building a new routine in your life without overwhelming your schedule to the point where you have no alone time. A routine that helps you work on things that can benefit you in other areas in life. Things light socializing, spiritual development, physical development, academic development.

 

3. Time. Lots and lots of time.

 

That's it.

 

And now that I've mentioned the harsh reality, here's the good news. You'll get passed this. I guarantee it. It will only be a question of when.

 

- Beach

Edited July 23, 2019 by Beachead

[Normm]

I'm going to keep her on my social media. I want to see that she's fine.

 

 

Is that the real reason?

[django]

django, can I ask...have you taken any time to think about what's at the source of your fear of committing, and whether you even want to get married?

 

I ask because I can hear loud and clear that you're panicking and regretful, and I'm sure she can too. But she has said several times that she's not sure you really do feel as strongly as she does; I don't know either of you, of course, but it may be that she's pretty darn astute.

 

I suspect, although again I don't know you, that your commitment issues have to do with the alcoholism in your family. Sounds to me like there's a lot more to probe there about whatever you feel currently burdened with, and whether you were using her as a convenient crutch, someone to unconditionally love you and be steady for you when you felt other relationships were on constantly shifting sands.

 

.

 

YOu're right. I've lost my greatest source of confidence and strength when many things are changing right now. I'll likely leave my current job and move to a new city. Previously this had been my plan all along, and would have put me closer to her. I'd waited on doing so because I wanted it to be good not just for us as a couple, but for me, too. It's still what I want for myself, but here are many variables that I'm concerned about: working conditions, coworkers, apartments, being almost truly alone. I'm sure she could hear the panic in my voice sometimes. I relied on her to get me through a number of very difficult times in my life.

 

The alcoholism in my family is something I've struggled with for a long time ,and abused it myself for a number of years. My sibling and mother are both very emotional, angry drunks, and it's extraordinarily tense. I don't know how to address it and how it affects my perspective on relationships.

[django]

@Beached

 

 

 

I do need time. A lot of it. I'm astounded at how this has affected me, and so are the people around me. I'm reaching out to coworkers, friends, and family for support. This morning I had a medical exam and I spilled my guts to the nurse about it, and she was a tremendous source of comfort, and not just becuase she said she thinks my ex will come around eventually. I have such a hard time trusting people, trusting that I'm good enough or that my job is impressive or that I'm fit enough to pass muster and be loved. It's a deeply troubling issue that rears its head in just about every aspect of my life.

 

I dont' consider not contacting her because it causes her pain to be noble, really, it's also for me. There are many reasons to stay out of her life and try ot minimize her impact on mine. I can't keep getting rejected. I can't hold onto someone who doesn't want to stay. I can't cause her any more grief. I can't remain stuck. I can't recommit to something when I'm not sure of myself. I'm going to try and see other people as soon as I get a little more settled. She's seeing other people and trying to move on, but she said it's not working. When I told her the door was open in the future, she told me that it would be ok if I saw other people in the mean time. I didn't really know how to respond, so I just said "ok."

 

I feel better than I did yesterday but htere are still pockets of profound grief and loss and I'm not sure what to do with it right now.

Edited July 23, 2019 by django

[django]

That's the hardest part of breaking up or NC. Missing that person. Replaying the good times. Replaying the conversations. Thinking about the what could have been. It's hard. I know. I'm there myself (but I also know it's not a healthy state of mind).

 

It is a killer. I just spent twenty minutes wondering if calling her sweetheart during our last conversation was a big mistake.

[spiritedaway2003]

It is a killer. I just spent twenty minutes wondering if calling her sweetheart during our last conversation was a big mistake.

 

Trust me. It's not. It's a sweet term of endearment, and it's never a mistake to share it with someone who means a lot to you. (But it's not going to change how she feels)

 

You're going through a lot, just like she did. I might suggest slowing down on making major life changes all at once unless you had to (e.g. leaving job => Loss of income). I say this with love, but it's hard to cope with multiple life changes when you're going through heartbreak (I know...)

 

Spend some time to stabilize your emotional state first, and then make changes after. I might advise you not to jump into dating other people so quickly. Contrary to some, trying to date someone (as a rebound) when you're not ready is going to cause more drama.

 

Spend some time working on yourself first. And please don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can. Eventually, there will come a day when you'll see that there's nothing else to regret when you did your best to fix this situation.

[Lorenza]

Sorry that you're hurting, OP, but you need to focus more on the things that made this relationship fail. Either she wasn't the right girl for you or you have some deep rooted issues that you need to resolve on your own before getting into a committed relationship again. Those issues won't disappear just by you two getting back together.

 

You mentioned that she didn't feel loved in the relationship and you felt nothing when she was crying in your arms about it. That stuck out to me. It doesn't sound like it was a happy fulfilling relationship for her. You wouldn't magically turn into the partner she wants and deserves by just getting back with you again and she realizes that. This was her legitimate chance to get out of something that wasn't making her happy.

She's very right to question your reasons to get back together and commit - I think a lot of this pain comes from withdrawal and rejection after you tried to change your mind.

 

So focus on why you weren't excited about her in the first place, why you weren't willing to commit while actually having her by your side. For some reason you aren't the man that can make her happy and need to genuinely let her go and find that happiness.

 

Cause as I said, the issues won't go away by you committing to her out of fear of this withdrawal pain you're experiencing. She's making the best decision for herself and for you too, actually.

[django]

Sorry that you're hurting, OP, but you need to focus more on the things that made this relationship fail. Either she wasn't the right girl for you or you have some deep rooted issues that you need to resolve on your own before getting into a committed relationship again. Those issues won't disappear just by you two getting back together.

 

I'd always sort of kept one foot out of the door. I wouldn't let myself do certain things because I didnt' want to fully commit because that would make everything so much worse when it didn't work out or that my gestures or love wouldn't be sufficient. I pushed her away at times because I didn't want that responsibility. I'd encourage her to pick an apartment closer to friends so she was less reliant on me. I'd withhold certain gestures because that would make our connection so much stronger.

 

The list of mistakes I made in thsi relationship is getting longer by the hour. I miss her madly. She was an absolutely amazing person and I'm grieving very hard. When I'm able to sleep, it is a restless sleep, and this morning I woke up in clothes wet with sweat.

 

I need to make some decisions soon, and I'm scared because I need to make them alone. She was an incredible source of support and I don't know how I would have been able to accomplish much without her help in the last few years. I'm very, very sorry that I might not have shown her how much that meant to me.

 

I hope this is the right choice for her.

Edited July 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lorenza]

@django....

 

Those doesn't sound like mistakes, you just genuinely don't seem to be ready for any kind of committment, and it's fine. What's not fine is keeping someone in a limbo because it's so nice and beneficial for you to have them - a great support system, sex, affection etc. When you miss those things try to understand that it's not fair for you to get them without being truly able to give her what she wants as well. Just because you miss her and what she gave you, doesn't mean you will suddenly be able to be the man she needs, doesn't matter how easy it seems to you now that you're ready to promise anything and everything just to get her back. If she took you back, it would probably be very nice in the beginning and then you'd fall back to your old habbits of keeping one leg out the door. You need to be on your own and work through things, be able to make your own decisions without any support system, cope with the fear of being alone.

Edited July 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[django]

@Lorenza....

 

You're right about everything, but I know I'll be fine eventually. What's really getting ot me is that now that it's over and the pressure is off, all that's there is love, and it hurts like hell.

Edited July 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Beachead]

@django

 

I'd always sort of kept one foot out of the door. I wouldn't let myself do certain things because I didnt' want to fully commit because that would make everything so much worse when it didn't work out or that my gestures or love wouldn't be sufficient. I pushed her away at times because I didn't want that responsibility. I'd encourage her to pick an apartment closer to friends so she was less reliant on me. I'd withhold certain gestures because that would make our connection so much stronger.

 

This is something I would really delve into. You want to ask yourself why you did these things.

 

Was it her? Were you not attracted to her physically or was it the personality? Were there aspects of her life like her family or beliefs that turned you off? Or is because you think you're not good enough and you feel like if she got to know the real you, she'd leave you? So you avoid getting too attached.

 

To echo Lorenza, these aren't mistakes. You would be doing a disservice to yourself if you pawn them off as such. They are indicative of commitment issues and there are some answers there which will help you figure out why you had trouble committing.

 

- Beach

Edited July 24, 2019 by Beachead

[django]

Quick update: a few days ago she blocked me on all shared social media, then that night got drunk and started texting me. We met up at a park the next day, and it was very loving and tender. She wants to try again but still needs more time. She's concerned we'd just be getting back together because we're lonely. She's also worried about upsetting her friends, who have encouraged her to move on, and said she probably won't tell them that she'd seen me. She became very frustrated several times and said she just doesn't know what to do. I was caressing her and touching her and just hugging her, and she told that it had been a very long time since I touched her like that. I know I took her for granted and let work come before her sometimes.

 

I'm very confused about her behavior. She's very skittish and sometimes a little combative when we have talked on the phone. She blocks me from everything and then cries in my arms in the park and tells me how much she loves me. She says she misses my family, but then refuses to attend events in which my family will be seen. She says she's not seeing anyone and that the thought of being with someone else makes her sick, but something is off. She showed me pictures of a shelf she built, but she has no carpentry skills and few very tools. She'd also lied about seeing someone else when we first started dating.

 

I turned down a very tempting job offer because it seemed like it was going to be too much all at once, a total life transplant in which I leave behind my support system and jump into a demanding new position. I'm leaning hard on coworkers and family and just trying to hold myself together.

Edited July 26, 2019 by django

[Beachead]

@django

 

There is potential for things to work out for you two but as long as you are around her when she gets weak, she will need "more time' to think about it and will unlikely ever decide. What you're going to find out is, she just may never come to an answer and might end up turning this relationship into an incredibly toxic mess or she might just move onto someone new.

 

So, it doesn't surprise me that you write something like this:

 

I'm very confused about her behavior. She's very skittish and sometimes a little combative when we have talked on the phone. She blocks me from everything and then cries in my arms in the park and tells me how much she loves me. She says she misses my family, but then refuses to attend events in which my family will be seen. She says she's not seeing anyone and that the thought of being with someone else makes her sick, but something is off. She showed me pictures of a shelf she built, but she has no carpentry skills and few very tools. She'd also lied about seeing someone else when we first started dating.

 

You're trying to make sense of a girl who is confused and paying a lot of attention to the things she is saying rather than what she is actually doing. Her words don't match her actions so you get confused and then you begin to expend mental energy trying to analyze. You end up with no answers.

 

If you look her actions, she blocked you on social media. It should tell you she's trying to move on. Now while that may not mean she wants to move on, it does at the very least mean she is trying to because she too is trying to break free from her attachment, pain and all those feelings associated with you. She probably got drunk because the process of it is difficult so she gave into that pain and weakness and attempted to soothe it by contacting you..but drunk texting isn't a good thing. People are not themselves while intoxicated. They go home, they sober up, they wake up the next morning. They feel and think differently.

 

I wouldn't respond to any more drunk texts. You shouldn't be running to her whenever she calls or responding to her texts..especially drunken ones. You two are not in a relationship and there must be a line drawn to establish respective boundaries. If she doesn't want to be with you or isn't sure if she wants to be with you, that's perfectly fine, but she shouldn't have immediate access to you. You're basically teaching her she can still have you when she wants, how she wants, without having to get back together with you. You are sabotaging your own chances and so is she. If you want her back, then your best chance is to respect yourself and your well-being, step back. So long as this is how she feels, she has to understand that she has to sort this out on her own. You can't be there to help her with it.

 

- Beach

Edited July 26, 2019 by Beachead

[django]

You're right, beach. She texted me last night hoping I was having fun. This morning I texted that I did, to which she only replied that she was glad. I think she's just assuaging some guilt she may be feeling. I don't know and it's not worth thinking about.