I made a mistake and want my ex-gf back

[django]

I texted her this morning that I was thinking of her. She responded, simply saying "likewise." I know it doesn't mean very much, if anything, but I'm just on here processing. I miss her so much. I made a massive, massive mistake and I would do anything to fix it.

[Normm]

I texted her this morning that I was thinking of her. She responded, simply saying "likewise." I know it doesn't mean very much, if anything, but I'm just on here processing. I miss her so much. I made a massive, massive mistake and I would do anything to fix it.

 

Her response, "likewise" could mean she's reconsidering. Think of her feelings towards you as an ember or a spark that remains of a once roaring fire. Given time and space away from you, wondering what you're up to and perhaps the thought of losing you to someone else is somewhat intriguing, and motivating and the wood starts to smoulder again. The only thing you can do is leave her alone so that spark can possibly turn into a flame.

 

Every time you contact her you bring her right back down and she sees this desperate volatile guy who just won't leave her alone, it's like dropping your pants and pissing all over that ember before it has a chance to become a flame.

[Silver_star]

That is a favorable response. I think you need to now let her build her attraction to you again. Don't over do it with the contact. Less is more now.

 

You already let her know you DO want her, and that you have thought of her and you were sorry and you made a mistake. The ball is without a question in her court. What you can do is make her WANT to contact you. She was hurt, so let her process her feelings.

 

Meanwhile go live your life, and better yourself. Go work out or start running, or go on a little trip. Things that will make her interested and curious about what you have going on in your life. Things that will make her want to be a part of it again.

[Beachead]

@django

 

"Likewise" is a good sign but don't get overly excited. Everything Normm and Silver_Starr said above, I second.

 

Do NOT push her. Continue to give her space and leave her be. In the meantime you focus on you.

[django]

I'm exhausted. I haven't been eating or sleeping, and have taken up drinking again, for a day or two at a time. I had a job interview a few days ago and I didn't sleep at all the night before, and I definitely wasn't my best when I interviewed. I'm starting to feel pain in my stomach. I can't focus on anything. I just sit and stare at things. I've been able to work out, but since I'm not eating much all of my lifts are down.

 

On the plus side, Ive lost seven pounds and my abs are back. I'm biking. I'm feeling things I've never really felt before, and it's invigorating in a sense. I'm going to Chicago this weekend and the next weekend my brother is marrying a wonderful girl.

 

I just need to make decisions and I don't trust myself right now. Everything is so foggy and I'm not sure what I want. I'm not sure if I should lean on what I know or make a change and jump into a new life. I miss the confidence and support my ex provided me. I need to pick a job and an apartment. I feel like I've lost my center.

[Beachead]

@django

 

Well, the good news is, you sound just like me and all the other people I've come across in the past, both in real life and on here, whom were fresh out of a breakup.

 

Stomach aches, loss of appetite. Staring at a wall. Unmotivated. I bet you check your phone often as well. I had chest pains day and night and would wake up in the middle of the night from them.

 

None of it lasted. We all got better. You will too.

 

I don't think you're ready to cut her off and go NC yet and I personally don't think you should right now. She seems to be sorting her head out and though I can't say that means she'll return to you, I certainly understand that this plays into your hope and also keeps you in a state of limbo which makes it hard for you. So sticking it out a bit longer may be something that your conscious needs to make peace with itself. If you leave too early, you might wonder what would happened for the rest of your life.

 

When you're ready, you'll choose NC.

 

Right now, everything you're doing is great for yourself, except the drinking. Lay off of it. It'll make you feel 10X worse when you sober up. Your pain is still going to be there. Instead, write. Just write your feelings out as often as you need. Doesn't have to be on here. You can type it out someplace else. You need to embrace that pain completely sober and feel it. That is the ONLY way to work through it and get better from it.

Edited July 18, 2019 by Beachead

[Highndry]

"Likewise" is a favorable response and I think I would have tested the waters a bit.

[django]

I've lost 12 pounds in two weeks. My body is falling apart. I miss her eyes. I miss hearing her talk about her day. I miss the way her body felt. I miss her fondness for rose gold, her ability to reassure me, the silly stories she'd tell. I miss the way she made coffee in the morning This grief is so overwhelming I just can't shake it. The thought of not having this person is torture.

[django]

I called her. I told her all the thigns I miss about her and how awful it is to think about not having her in my life. She was crying and told me that she thinks of me all the time and loves me, too, but she couldn't come back yet. She said it's very hard to believe that the things I'm saying are genuine.

 

I don't know if I made things better or worse but the pain in my heart is a little softer. It was impulsive, I know, but it was unbearable thinknig about losing her without doing something.

Edited July 18, 2019 by django

[Beachead]

@django

 

It's okay. Might have actually been a needed conversation for the both of you. But from here on after, respect her wishes and step back. She knows what you have to say. She sees your effort, but needs space and time to assess. She is currently choosing to stay away for reasons that are important to her and it's time to respect that. On your end, you can't force her into coming back nor is fair for you to dump that pain onto her. I guarantee you, choosing to stay away from you is difficult for her. If you continue to message her whenever you feel overwhelmed, you'll only be communicating that you care about your own immediate feelings, wants, needs over hers, and that isn't love. That'll just being selfish.

 

Step back now and show her you can respect her.

 

- Beach

Edited July 18, 2019 by Beachead

[Normm]

Well it would have been better had you not called her but it could have been worse. Whatever you do, don't call her and give her any sort of ultimatum such as "I can't go on in limbo like this, I need an answer or I'm moving on". Doing that would be a terrible mistake and maybe you wouldn't consider it but I've seen it happen.

[django]

I don't know how I can show her that I'm genuine about this if she refuses to communicate. I don't know if she wants me to keep demonstrating effort or leave her alone totally. I'm just stuck.

Edited July 19, 2019 by django

[spiritedaway2003]

I called her. I told her all the thigns I miss about her and how awful it is to think about not having her in my life. She was crying and told me that she thinks of me all the time and loves me, too, but she couldn't come back yet. She said it's very hard to believe that the things I'm saying are genuine.

 

I don't know if I made things better or worse but the pain in my heart is a little softer. It was impulsive, I know, but it was unbearable thinknig about losing her without doing something.

 

It's ok. I think you did what you needed to do, to say everything you needed to say. So you can go forward without any regrets.

 

Please lay off the drinking. It's going to make you feel worse (after). I'm sorry for the pain you're dealing with.

 

Give her some space. The ball is in her court now. Chin up, give it some time to see where everything lands, and good luck.

[Beachead]

I don't know how I can show her that I'm genuine about this if she refuses to communicate. I don't know if she wants me to keep demonstrating effort or leave her alone totally. I'm just stuck.

 

She told you what she wanted a couple of times; she wanted space. You're not hearing it because you're overwhelmed in your pain, trying to undo your mistakes, trying soothe your restless conscious.

 

Look at this from her side..

 

When you broke up with her, she had to unwillingly accept it and deal with it and for all she knew, you were never coming back. It forced her to explore the likelihood that you no longer loved her, it was over and she had move on. 1 month worth of hours went by like that. It probably felt like an agonizing eternity. That whole experience damaged her and she requires time to heal from it. You broke her heart and lost her trust and loyalty. And just as she began that process of getting better, you came back into her life, and brought her back to Day 0 just because you realized you made a mistake. It's good for you but you're not thinking about the fact that she's has to now rethink the 1000's of things she began thinking about while you two were apart; things about you and her and everything in the relationship. You're not giving her that time to do it because as I mentioned you're in pain, trying to soothe YOUR regret and YOUR guilt. You're thinking only about your needs right now. You're contacting her for you..not for her.

 

A part of showing her love is showing patience for the time she needs and understanding for her side of the situation. But you also have to make sure you show yourself love too. So to cover the best of both worlds, step back. Silence can do more for you than your words can at this point. She knows what's up and she sees your effort. If she wants you, she'll come back to you but it's her call now. You have to now respect her decision and your situation. You two are broken up and it's done right now. You have to proceed on that. On what you know. Not what you assume or what you are hoping for. So continue to focus your energy back to your own life and vent to anyone but her.

 

- Beach

Edited July 19, 2019 by Beachead

[django]

Thank you all for your support. You've given me exceptional feedback and advice. I keep going over and over the things we talked about on Thursday, doubting myself, wondering if I said too much. I told her that it was physically painful to think of not having her in my life, that I would let her go if I needed to but that I wasn't sure what I would do with myself if I didn't tell how I felt. I told her everything.

 

I'm in Chicago now and trying to enjoy myself, but all I think of is her, everywhere I go. I don't know why it took this to make me sure I was ready to commit. I know I'll be okay, but it's hell right now.

Edited July 20, 2019 by django

[django]

I texted her a picture of flower I saw that knew she would like, and she didn't respond. Now I"m \second guessing everythign I've ever said or done to her, wondering if it sent the wrong message. I cannot believe I messed this up so badly. I've never had such a wonderful relationship and now she won't even talk to me and I've only driven her further away. I'm just heartbroken and it's all my fault.

[Blanco]

STOP TEXTING HER!

 

Man, I totally get how you're feeling. Been there, done that, own the t-shirt, etc. If there is any hope for this, you have got to give her space. Go out, buy a notebook, and any time you think of something you want to say to her or text her, write in there instead.

 

She is never gonna have a chance to really miss you or reconsider things if you are popping up every few days transparently trying to work your way back into her life.

 

Just take a deep breath, and get a grip. Post in this thread 12 times a day if you have to. Just stop initiating contact with her.

[django]

STOP TEXTING HER!

 

Man, I totally get how you're feeling. Been there, done that, own the t-shirt, etc. If there is any hope for this, you have got to give her space. Go out, buy a notebook, and any time you think of something you want to say to her or text her, write in there instead.

 

She is never gonna have a chance to really miss you or reconsider things if you are popping up every few days transparently trying to work your way back into her life.

 

Just take a deep breath, and get a grip. Post in this thread 12 times a day if you have to. Just stop initiating contact with her.

 

You're right. If nothing else, I hope this thread is a cautionary tale. I knew how all this stuff worked before the relationship even began. I need to focus on other things now, like sleeping and eating. I've lost clarity on this.

Edited July 21, 2019 by django

[Beachead]

@django

 

I've embarrassed myself more times than I'd like to admit which is why I mean well when I write this post.

 

You're a mess right now; so much in a mess that you don't realize how selfish you're being.

 

I texted her a picture of flower I saw that knew she would like, and she didn't respond.

 

Yes, because you're pissing her off because you're not giving her the space and the time alone that she asked you to give her. Instead, you're trying to impose your will onto her just because YOU'RE in pain. And yes, your pain is because you miss her and want her back but it stinks of insincerity because it's all about you. Because you feel you made a mistake. Because you want to get back together and right the wrong. Because you feel guilty. Because you feel regret.

 

You, you, and all about you.

 

And it was precisely because she responded to you the last few times is why you've begun making it a habit of contacting her EVERYTIME you felt weak instead of keeping it to yourself when you know she wants her space. So yes, damn straight you've lost sight of things.

 

When we go through breakups, we're like drug addicts. We are going through ex withdrawal and in our unwell mind, only they can give us the fix that takes away all the pain we feel. We'll look for any excuse we can to get that fix. When we do get that fix, it's only temporary, because it doesn't change reality. You two are still broken up. She still wants her space and she at this point is trying to rediscover life without you. So sure, after a conversation with her, you feel great. That is until the next day comes along and you don't feel good again because she's gone back to being quiet and that silence kills your high and reminds you you two are still broken up. So you go back for another fix.

 

Stop it, and ask yourself if this is the state-of-mind you want to have, if you two start it up again? All this weakness? This mentality that's driven more by guilt/regret and fear of losing her again, instead of something that's rooted in strength, independence and love? Do you think you're capable of being a healthy partner in that state? Think about that.

 

Like Blanco said, she's never going to understand gravity of the breakup and what life will be like without you if you keep bombarding her with your presence. How will she even know if she misses you? Whatever chances you have here, you are going to kill because you're succumbing to weakness. She needs to the alone time to sort herself out and you need the alone time to get passed your guilt/pain. Do journal into a notebook, do post on LS, but stop messaging her. Stop looking to her as the fix for your pain. You're not only putting your healing on hold, you're doing the same to her. Right now you need to just focus just on moving forward; moving passed this. Get your mind right. Get your body right. Get back to finding your smile on your own.

 

- Beach

Edited July 21, 2019 by Beachead

[Highndry]

I cannot believe I messed this up so badly...

 

 

You're acting like you're in a relationship and you said and did some wrong things. But that's not the case here. Buddy, YOU BROKE UP WITH HER. I'm not sure if this is your first parade and nobody's ever broken up with you, but you told her to essentially "have a nice life, I'm done with you." Let this be a lesson to never break up with a woman unless you mean it.

Further, you are being entirely selfish, focusing on your own feelings and trying to comfort yourself instead of respecting her and her wishes.

[django]

You all are right. It's terribly selfish and insensitive and counter productive to contact her. I would not blame her or be surprised if she never spoke to me again. I've hurt her terribly much and all she did was want me to love her like she loves me.

[Beachead]

@django

 

Just step back. That's all. Like Blanco said, you need to direct your pain into a journal. When you want to tell her something, tell it in your journal. When you miss her, describe it in your journal. When you feel like you can't breathe cause you're paralyzed with pain, express it in your journal. Or do it here. But don't contact her.

 

The ONE thing you really want to do which is talk to her is really the LAST thing you should do. It's the one thing that's going to hurt your chances. That's something I've learned to remind myself of during tough times like this.

 

Instead of contacting her, put your trust in the silence. It's going to get her thinking about everything. Everything that happened, all the fights or the good times you two shared, the way it ended, everything etc. She needs to stew in it for awhile so she can gain clarity. That silence is going to do far more for you than your contacting her could ever do because:

 

1. If she contacts you, it may be because she wants to try again. If she doesn't want to try again but offers a friendship, don't take it. You two will not be friends. Feelings are there on your end and perhaps hers but that doesn't mean she wants to be with you. It'll get ugly and wind up in a complicated disaster. If she doesn't want to be with you again, she needs to understand that she loses you entirely.

 

2. If she doesn't contact you, then guess what? That silence is your answer. She made her choice.

 

So no matter what the case, you move forward right passed this.

 

If she does come back, you want to be as healed as possible.

 

I'll advise you not to begin NC just yet. Give her a month, preferably 2 if you have the strength to and keep her on your social media until then. This is to validate your conscious that you waited long enough before you went NC which will really help you move forward. If you take her off too soon, while she's up in the air with her thoughts, and she notices, you've blocked her or unfollowed, she may take it as you never cared about her. You may also wonder if you left too soon. Think of this as a courtesy but also understand you need to protect your well-being as well. So if you don't hear from her by the end of your 1month (Or 2month) deadline, take her off social media and begin NC for your sanity. You can write her number down somewhere and keep it safe but delete it off of your phone so that you don't come across it everytime.

 

- Beach

Edited July 21, 2019 by Beachead

[django]

I didn't sleep at all last night, I just lay in bed remembering her wailing and soft sobbing as we talked on the phone last week. I hurt her so, so badly and I can't undo it. I can't even ask about her day, or hear her call my name. I honestly beginning to forget what she looked like. We have a family wedding and vacation coming up that I know she had looked forward to attending, and it is killing me that she won't be there. I cannot imagine a state of mind in which I thought that breaking this off was a good idea. I was so full of fear about a failed long term commitment that I wasn't thinking, and now all I think about are the things I should ahve thought about then.

 

All day long I felt very confident and strong but I returned from my trip to the city it was all right back in front of me. I wonder where she is or what she's looking at, if she's pleased to have been set free, if she will remember that we were happy together. I want so desperately to tell her all the things I love about her but contacting her will only bring both of us more pain. I can't do that.

 

On the train home i just stared at the floor and thought about how foolish I must have been to ever, ever doubt that my relationship could be a wonderful and long-lasting one. I'm a fool, and I can't take this back. I miss her so, so much, and the grief is destructive sometimes. I can't believe I did this to her, or me.

Edited July 22, 2019 by django

[d0nnivain]

I texted her a picture of flower I saw that knew she would like, and she didn't respond.

 

and it's all my fault.

 

At this point is IS your fault. Stop with the texting. Texting is ANNOYING!!!!!

 

 

If you love her do what I told you: show up at her house with flowers & an engagement ring. If you are not willing to do that leave her alone, stop whining, lick you wounds & move forward into the next phase of your life alone.

 

Every time you pick up your phone & text her you make it WORSE. Stop.

 

Even if she rejects your proposal, you can put this behind you knowing you pulled out all that stops. All this cowardly lame texting is worthless.

[django]

At this point is IS your fault. Stop with the texting. Texting is ANNOYING!!!!!

 

 

If you love her do what I told you: show up at her house with flowers & an engagement ring. If you are not willing to do that leave her alone, stop whining, lick you wounds & move forward into the next phase of your life alone.

 

Every time you pick up your phone & text her you make it WORSE. Stop.

 

Even if she rejects your proposal, you can put this behind you knowing you pulled out all that stops. All this cowardly lame texting is worthless.

 

This seems like a very bad idea.Texting may be cowardly and lame, but proposing to someone who refuses to even meet up at a neutral location seems insane.

 

I keep mentally reviewing our last conversation and how quickly it turned south. She was very emotional and despondent and suddenly she suggested we both take more time to think. I'm out of options and can only go over and over the few things i have. It's been six weeks since the break up. there is probably someone else involved by now. I am the dumbest man on the planet.