TheFinalWord Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 (edited) I can understand that! I'm not throwing stones here, just some possible advice you may want to consider later... If a guy is saying are you sure, its okay not too, he's making sure you are consciously aware, that if he changes his mind and doesn't want anything serious, you are fully agreeing. He hasn't given exclusively yet (formally asking, not just randomly calling you his GF), so by asking you if you are sure before commitment, he thinks he can cut you off and get away guilt-free. That you were fully aware of the situation. Yes, nothing is certain in anything in life, especially matters of the heart. But there are things we can do to reduce risk. To me he hasn't displayed equal investment. You are coming to him, he did not have to talk on the phone like you wanted. In other words, you did majority of investment. This always leads to an imbalance. A healthy relationship will have both adults displaying equal investment. I would take a lot of caution getting physically intimate with someone that is not investing as equal as you are. Just know what you are saying when you are agreeing to a relationship early on... You are basically saying to this person that they have done ALL they need to do to obtain commitment from you. Any leverage is gone. Any chance for behavior change (talking on the phone more, coming to you as much as you go to him, etc.) is gone. However, IMO he hasn't done enough to show he was investing enough to be in a relationship with you. Way too early to think of this as advancing towards a relationship. He needs to earn your commitment, just like you have to earn his. Anyway, I hope this helps somewhat. All you can do at this point is learn what you can, NOT become bitter, and NOT be down yourself. Acknowledge your mistakes, learn from them, and realize sex creates a chemical bond, almost an hit of an addictive drug. It's going to take time for your brain to uncouple from him and to stop thinking about him. Realize when you feel an attachment, it's a chemical attachment, not a real attachment based on love. We care about you here!! You're a good person and deserve someone that will give you the commitment you are seeking Edited June 24, 2019 by TheFinalWord 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted June 24, 2019 Author Share Posted June 24, 2019 Final word - he did ask for exclusivity... Formally... And me coming to him was part of an agreement that one month it's me and one month its him. He did his part, so I thought it's my turn. He paid for everything while I was visiting. At that point I was truly feeling we're showing equal investment. He said his gonna book tickets to come to my birthday, has a present in mind, etc etc. Yes, these are just words and they turned out to be bs, but when you're trying your luck with someone, you believe in them. Especially when he said he'll come see me before and he did. He said soooo many things and took them back two days after me coming back home, with a pathetic excuse of "I didnt know that I didnt mean them". But when you see someone cry his eyes out telling me he wants this to work out, you kinda believe. But yeah, nothing is certain. I don't know how to both have faith in something new and be sceptical, cause I just tend to go to an extreme. Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 Well, he sounds like a d-bag... Were there any red flags? How many days total did you spend together in person? Just curious... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted June 25, 2019 Author Share Posted June 25, 2019 Well, he sounds like a d-bag... Were there any red flags? How many days total did you spend together in person? Just curious... He did say he will be more cautious, will need more time to fall in love and is sceptical about marriage due to his past heartbreaks (being engaged). But he did say a lot of other things too, like how distance won't be a problem if we really like each other, how he feels we might have something special worth working for, that he could see things being long term with me. So many confusing things. And according to him now, he didn't know what he meant when he said that... We spent in total of 10 days together withing 2,5 months Link to post Share on other sites
crispytoast Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 It sounds like he's afraid of serious commitment because he got hurt in the past. You played your part fine but when it came time for him to step up, he realized he wasn't ready. He might've freaked himself out with how he jumped in head first or there could be other reasons. It didn't work out and that sucks but at least he did it at the start instead of later when it would hurt more for both of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted June 27, 2019 Author Share Posted June 27, 2019 Got on some dating apps to distract myself with other guys' attention. But it kinda made me feel worse. A reminder of how difficult it is to achieve any real connection. Matched with a guy I used to chat with and for some reason I stopped answering to and suggested we meet. I remember I was a little bit interested in February. Probably not gonna be anything but can be a little distraction Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 Got on some dating apps to distract myself with other guys' attention. But it kinda made me feel worse. A reminder of how difficult it is to achieve any real connection. Matched with a guy I used to chat with and for some reason I stopped answering to and suggested we meet. I remember I was a little bit interested in February. Probably not gonna be anything but can be a little distraction This is disingenuous. Don't play with other guys' emotions because you want a "distraction." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted June 28, 2019 Author Share Posted June 28, 2019 This is disingenuous. Don't play with other guys' emotions because you want a "distraction." He is leaving in a couple of months anyway and isn't looking for a relationship. No need to assume things... Link to post Share on other sites
Commongoal123 Posted June 29, 2019 Share Posted June 29, 2019 Hey OP, I think distraction is the last thing you should be doing to get over this; it's likely it will only prolong how you're feeling... at least distraction via sex with men, and attention from men (or women). For lasting security and strength, you need to find it within yourself. What happens when he leaves in a couple of months? Do you believe that these emotions will become quieter within yourself, or louder? There is an old Buddhist saying that goes something like this: If there is a small pond with calm waters, and a boulder is thrown into it, the waters will become disturbed and turbulent. If we put our hand in the water to try and slow down the turbulence, we will only continue to agitate the water and it will never become calm again. What we must do is step back, observe the water, and let them calm on their own. In your case, the water may be a metaphor for your feelings of loss and regret pertaining to the other guy. Throwing another guy into that will likely disturb your emotions even more. Perhaps consider this: What if you cycle through long term "meaningful" relationships with men who are not good for you, and superficial relationships with men who are also not good for you in other ways, and one day you find yourself old and not attracting men the way you used to? What then, if you've never taken the time to step back and find the root of your pain, and root of why you keep ending up with the wrong guys? For all of us, our time is limited. Time which becomes even more limited the older we get. We're two different people, but personally I'd rather be old and secure with myself, instead of relying on attention from other people to distract me from pain I should be processing and getting rid of for good. I say this after doing just that for about 10 years of my life (without realizing it) and prolonging the pain of emotional abandonment through experiencing the wrong kind of partners breaking up with me over and over again. Ultimately, I realized I was unaware that I had been distracting myself with long term relationships from pain which I never dealt with. Now I'm dealing with it, and it has been incredibly liberating, and I'm growing more confident that I won't repeat this trauma again. Just my two cents. Often times, the only way out is through. Best of luck, -Common 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted June 29, 2019 Author Share Posted June 29, 2019 Common - how great it is to be reminded I'm getting older and running out of time... Especially two weeks before my 30th birthday which is already putting a lot of stress on me. This just makes me feel hopeless and today is the wrong day to feel hopeless. But I do agree that meaningless distractions isn't going to help me in any way. I get a lot of attention from men on dating apps. But it's not what I want. I crave real connection, commitment and love. I took 2,5 years to be alone and I thought I have it figured out. But as soon as I start really liking someone, my caution, my standards (serious commitment), my promises to not get involved with someone who makes me anxious, doubtful and uncertain goes through the window. I still associate emotional pain with deeper connection. And I don't know how to get rid of it. I understand everything perfectly - what kind of men are worth of my invested and what aren't, but I still get overly invested in the wrong and broken ones. It isn't going anywhere. Today all my anguish and stress came to a head, despite me being over the situation with the guy who dumped me. But it was probably lingering in my subconscious mind, plus long working hours and the heat. Completely out of the blue I started feeling so incredibly bad I couldn't even explain what was going on to my friends - everything hurt, my body was collapsing and I couldn't breath. We tried walking to a cafe on the other side of the street, but everything went blurry and then black for a moment and I fainted in the middle of the street on the crossing. Bruised my legs and my chin, also immediately awoke. So lucky my friends were with me, also other people rushed to my help and got me to the sidewalk. My friends called the ambulance and I spent hours at the ER, only got home now after midnight. Extreme blood pressure drop, low blood sugar etc. I need to stop feeling like this. Stop dreading my 30's. Stop feeling like everyone else is having the love life I'm longing for. This was a warning sign... Link to post Share on other sites
Commongoal123 Posted June 30, 2019 Share Posted June 30, 2019 OP, Perhaps ask yourself where the stress is coming from? Sounds like from within yourself. I understand the whole getting older and feeling hopeless thing. I hoped to have kids and a family oriented life by now. I found a book called "The Universe Has Your Back" by Gabrielle Bernstein, and downloaded the audiobook. It helped me reconnect with a part of myself which has faith that things are going to work out, and everything is happening as it should be. In other words, everything may not be going accordingly to my plan, but they still go accordingly to a plan. Often times we can't see this until after the fact and we look back on everything. For example, you may meet the mutual love of your life someday, and looking back realize you never would have if you didn't go through everything you're going through now. For whatever it's worth, I'm in my 30s, and I've enjoyed them for more than my 20s. I think 20s for most people are an absolute **** show. If they aren't, then usually their 30s are... Link to post Share on other sites
Limiya Posted June 30, 2019 Share Posted June 30, 2019 Lorenza, omg so sorry for your awful experience. Fainting is so scary isn't it? I understand how you can stress yourself so much that your blood pressure drops. It's happened to me before. I hope you're ok now. Honestly spend some time with your friends or family to help you through the this beginning stages. I think you need them with you. I wish I was 30 again. I am in my mid 30s so I must be way past it now ? Lots of hugs to you. X Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted June 30, 2019 Author Share Posted June 30, 2019 Lorenza, omg so sorry for your awful experience. Fainting is so scary isn't it? I understand how you can stress yourself so much that your blood pressure drops. It's happened to me before. I hope you're ok now. Honestly spend some time with your friends or family to help you through the this beginning stages. I think you need them with you. I wish I was 30 again. I am in my mid 30s so I must be way past it now ? Lots of hugs to you. X Thanks Limiya! *hugs* hope that you're doing better btw. Fainting is so scary And it happened today again, while I was at home. Luckily I didn't fall face down this time and there is carpet all over the place, but it still hurt. I'm sure one day I'll miss being 30 too. My 20's were turbulant times. At least some of that is never coming back cause I'm wiser and more in control now. And I do feel prettier now than I ever felt back then Link to post Share on other sites
Limiya Posted June 30, 2019 Share Posted June 30, 2019 Im having bad days and ok days. It's certainly not easy. Did the doctors tell you why you are fainting or is it just stress? Did they give you anything? Take some vitamins and make sure you eat something and get some rest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted June 30, 2019 Author Share Posted June 30, 2019 Im having bad days and ok days. It's certainly not easy. Did the doctors tell you why you are fainting or is it just stress? Did they give you anything? Take some vitamins and make sure you eat something and get some rest. It's mostly my nerves that are too blame... And the low blood pressure. Gonna try to take it easy and take care of myself, after all, we only got ourselves and our health, the most valuable thing of all Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted July 1, 2019 Share Posted July 1, 2019 My goodness.. I hope you're feeling better soon. Take it easy. If it helps, I had a VERY similar situation just now with a guy. It really hurts and is so disappointing, messes with your head and makes you doubt yourself. Just hold your head high, try to forget him for a while and keep moving forwards. Sometimes we just have to try to put ourselves out there, meet the guy, give things a try, go into it with a level of trust and an open heart and mind. It's a risk that we have to take. Sorry that it didn't work out. But you have no reason to beat yourself up over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted July 2, 2019 Author Share Posted July 2, 2019 Thanks smiley! I'm trying not to think about it anymore. It happened the way it did not without a reason. I'm gonna take the fainting situation as a sign I have to change things and start taking care of myself and feel great about myself. I've already signed up for yoga together with a friend and gonna do everything to feel great again! And I already have some guys interested in me (and not from the dating app) but screw it, I'm just gonna do things for myself and not for any guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted July 7, 2019 Author Share Posted July 7, 2019 Just wanted to give a short update that I'm feeling much much better both physically and mentally! I've been doing a good job pushing this rejection out of my mind and having fun with my friends. I know who I am and what I deserve and it's not worth thinking about a guy who dissed me. Whenever I get some random sad thoughts i remember Anita Woods walking out on young handsome and desired by thousands Elvis when she found out he's having doubts about her. She said in an interview that women had a lot of pride back then. I don't know why I'm thinking about that situation, but it works wonders on me. I'm also a woman with pride. If someone doesn't want me, so be it, it's their loss! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted July 14, 2019 Author Share Posted July 14, 2019 I kinda thought that person will at least say happy birthday to me, as that would have been decent to remember, but I guess he doesn't even remember I exist lol. I did think a tiny bit more about him because of my upcoming birthday because I was wondering if he will remember it and say smth, but now I'm just pretty sure that person never cared a bit and maliciously wasted my time just to have an adventure with a good loooking foreign girl. Pff, some guys are pathetic. But this is a perfect closure for me, cause I'm sure even those few thoughts will completely seize now, I'll forget he exits too. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 If someone doesn't want me, so be it, it's their loss! This is the part you need to fall back on when he crosses your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted July 14, 2019 Author Share Posted July 14, 2019 This is the part you need to fall back on when he crosses your mind. Just would have been decent to say happy birthday. But not everyone is decent, that's how it is Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 Happy birthday messages are for friends and relatives (including spouses, if you have one). It wouldn't have been appropriate for him to message you, especially after a breakup. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 Happy birthday messages are for friends and relatives (including spouses, if you have one). It wouldn't have been appropriate for him to message you, especially after a breakup. I agree Happy Birthday and then what? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted July 15, 2019 Author Share Posted July 15, 2019 I disagree, in my culture it's very rude not to say hbd unless it's your enemie or someone who wronged you. We still wish hbd (and happy holidays) with some people I split ways amicably with. Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 Happy birthday messages are for friends and relatives (including spouses, if you have one). It wouldn't have been appropriate for him to message you, especially after a breakup. I agree Happy Birthday and then what? ^^This. Happy Birthdays are not appropriate for past loves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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