I'm an idiot and you were all right...

[Dis]

Oh Lor, I'm so sorry to hear this

 

All your posts here are really resonating with me. I'm about your age and I'm in a similar spot

 

It truly does feel hopeless sometimes, doesn't it?

 

I remember your thread about this guy. Please don't beat yourself up. You're a smart woman. I think I would feel the same exact way if I were in your shoes so just wanted to tell you, I know...

 

I think it might be good to shift focus away from dating and just live your life. I'm about to do the same. I do think that it happens when we least expect it and when we're not desperately searching.

 

PM me anytime and please be kind to yourself

 

*hugs*

[Lorenza]

Oh Lor, I'm so sorry to hear this

 

All your posts here are really resonating with me. I'm about your age and I'm in a similar spot

 

It truly does feel hopeless sometimes, doesn't it?

 

I remember your thread about this guy. Please don't beat yourself up. You're a smart woman. I think I would feel the same exact way if I were in your shoes so just wanted to tell you, I know...

 

I think it might be good to shift focus away from dating and just live your life. I'm about to do the same. I do think that it happens when we least expect it and when we're not desperately searching.

 

PM me anytime and please be kind to yourself

 

*hugs*

 

Thank you... *hugs*

Yeah we don't have a choice, do we? Just try to live our lives and hope for the best. Dating is just too disheartening. Best to just let fate put things in places

[d0nnivain]

Yeah we don't have a choice, do we? Just try to live our lives and hope for the best.

 

FWIW I was 39 when I met my husband. We were both around that age (he's 5 years younger), never married & no kids. Unicorns do exist.

[The Outlaw]

We've all thought at one point or another that the next man or woman may very well be the one we've been looking for. He may have too thought he'd found a connection and pulled back over the fear he could get hurt. I'm not defending him or anyone that does it, but it happens all too often. It doesn't mean that you're an idiot just because it didn't work out, and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, but you've just got to keep trying. Take some time for you. Don't worry about dating right now. Hopefully, the right person will come to you and everyone else that's in the same situation.

[Lorenza]

Of course it's impossible, because we live in different countries and all, but I wish I met him or someone like him early on, before all the traumatising experiences... Wish I only had one guy in my life... that's the case with some of my friends, they only had one. I've been beating myself up for sleeping with the ldr guy even though I really wanted to take that step with him and bring us closer... was always proud of keeping my number of partners low, and now I gave it up with no reason... it ended immediately after. I didn't hold myself to my values, promised myself I will only sleep with someone who proves his serious intent but... I feel so bad about it

[The Outlaw]

Of course it's impossible, because we live in different countries and all, but I wish I met him or someone like him early on, before all the traumatising experiences... Wish I only had one guy in my life... that's the case with some of my friends, they only had one. I've been beating myself up for sleeping with the ldr guy even though I really wanted to take that step with him and bring us closer... was always proud of keeping my number of partners low, and now I gave it up with no reason... it ended immediately after. I didn't hold myself to my values, promised myself I will only sleep with someone who proves his serious intent but... I feel so bad about it

 

As much as it sucks and with as wonderful as it seemed, you dodged a bullet in the long run. Bad relationships can shake anyone to their very core and make them less than reluctant to pursue anything for awhile, if ever, so it's best to not commit to anything too early. Ever. When you do, you'll only end up hurting more if it doesn't pan out. Trust me, I've been there. I briefly dated a girl five years ago next month that I thought was absolutely perfect, and thought she was everything I'd ever been looking for, and made the mistake of thinking my heartbreak was over. I was wrong. After stringing me along, she ghosted me and I took it hard, but I eventually got over it, and was more than thankful it didn't work out. Any relationship takes time to develop, so again, it's never a good thing to commit feelings early on. I know I've already said it, but don't beat yourself up over it and think of yourself as an idiot. Focus on you, hang out with friends and do anything that makes you happy. Try to forget about him the BEST you can and move on. Easier said than done, sure. But it's the best thing that anyone can do post breakup.

[Cersei]

Please don't beat yourself up over this.

 

For most of us nobody can tell what we don't want to hear. We need to learn some things the hard way.

 

Hang in there and forgive yourself.

[crispytoast]

Of course it's impossible, because we live in different countries and all, but I wish I met him or someone like him early on, before all the traumatising experiences... Wish I only had one guy in my life... that's the case with some of my friends, they only had one. I've been beating myself up for sleeping with the ldr guy even though I really wanted to take that step with him and bring us closer... was always proud of keeping my number of partners low, and now I gave it up with no reason... it ended immediately after. I didn't hold myself to my values, promised myself I will only sleep with someone who proves his serious intent but... I feel so bad about it

You're putting way more importance into a number than it's worth. Having sex with people feels good and as long as you practice safe sex, it doesn't dirty you for the future. The type of men who care about how many people you've slept with are insecure jerks. It's nobody's business but your own.

With that being said, I'm sorry you're dealing with this struggle. I know how it is to want a stable relationship. You're right that as people get older and go through many relationship pitfalls, they often become jaded and skeptical of future relationships. The act of pushing for a relationship will often lead people to throw up their walls. You can't rush into it, you have to build bonds over time, keep your head level and your heart safe, and if you work well with the person, it can blossom into something beautiful.

[Lorenza]

As much as it sucks and with as wonderful as it seemed, you dodged a bullet in the long run. Bad relationships can shake anyone to their very core and make them less than reluctant to pursue anything for awhile, if ever, so it's best to not commit to anything too early. Ever. When you do, you'll only end up hurting more if it doesn't pan out. Trust me, I've been there. I briefly dated a girl five years ago next month that I thought was absolutely perfect, and thought she was everything I'd ever been looking for, and made the mistake of thinking my heartbreak was over. I was wrong. After stringing me along, she ghosted me and I took it hard, but I eventually got over it, and was more than thankful it didn't work out. Any relationship takes time to develop, so again, it's never a good thing to commit feelings early on. I know I've already said it, but don't beat yourself up over it and think of yourself as an idiot. Focus on you, hang out with friends and do anything that makes you happy. Try to forget about him the BEST you can and move on. Easier said than done, sure. But it's the best thing that anyone can do post breakup.

 

Maybe I was too direct too soon then... Should have waited to see how it naturally unfolds instead of being so open about wanting something super serious and getting married in the future (I do truly want to be someone's wife one day). I just wanted to make sure he knows I'm not into something casual. Also I asked him if we're now bf/gf when I visited. I was too pushy and it scared him off.

[Lorenza]

Please don't beat yourself up over this.

 

For most of us nobody can tell what we don't want to hear. We need to learn some things the hard way.

 

Hang in there and forgive yourself.

 

I was just so sure I'm turning 30 in a couple of weeks, but I had hopes and ilusions like a teenage girl

[d0nnivain]

Stop counting your numbers. It will only make you crazy. Having only 1 partner is not as ideal as people claim. If both of you have no idea what you are doing you inadvertently condemn yourself to a life of bad sex & you don't even know it.

 

Address whatever you think these traumatizing issues are. Make peace with the idea that all you have been through makes you the person you are today. Once you get comfortable in your own skin, which happens through maturity, it is easier to find a quality partner. At that point you are looking for somebody to share the good things in your life with, not for somebody to bring good things, quality & purpose to you when you could not create them for yourself.

 

Do not mention marriage to a guy during the 1st 6 months other than to assure he is not married while you are dating him.

[Lorenza]

You're putting way more importance into a number than it's worth. Having sex with people feels good and as long as you practice safe sex, it doesn't dirty you for the future. The type of men who care about how many people you've slept with are insecure jerks. It's nobody's business but your own.

With that being said, I'm sorry you're dealing with this struggle. I know how it is to want a stable relationship. You're right that as people get older and go through many relationship pitfalls, they often become jaded and skeptical of future relationships. The act of pushing for a relationship will often lead people to throw up their walls. You can't rush into it, you have to build bonds over time, keep your head level and your heart safe, and if you work well with the person, it can blossom into something beautiful.

 

Where I come from keeping your number low is encouraged... I know this mentality is aged now and I would never look down on a woman who've had many partners, but for myself, it's ingrained into my mind. If we broke up later, maybe it wouldn't feel so bad, but it's right after we first slept together for real.. I didn't think it would happen to me

[Lorenza]

Stop counting your numbers. It will only make you crazy. Having only 1 partner is not as ideal as people claim. If both of you have no idea what you are doing you inadvertently condemn yourself to a life of bad sex & you don't even know it.

 

Address whatever you think these traumatizing issues are. Make peace with the idea that all you have been through makes you the person you are today. Once you get comfortable in your own skin, which happens through maturity, it is easier to find a quality partner. At that point you are looking for somebody to share the good things in your life with, not for somebody to bring good things, quality & purpose to you when you could not create them for yourself.

 

Do not mention marriage to a guy during the 1st 6 months other than to assure he is not married while you are dating him.

 

Yeah, I know I shouldn't freak out about the numbers. It's mostly the way I was raised

I shouldn't have said that thing about marriage. It's just that he asked me first... So I was honest... And then the topic came out later after him making jokes about it

[d0nnivain]

An early conversation where marriage is generally discussed as a long term future goal, to the right person, without discussing the criteria for who is the right person or any specifics about the 2 of you, is fine. You can confirm he ultimately wants to be married but past 5-6 sentences you have to change the subject.

 

You will be OK. Decade changing birthdays always make me crazy. Cut yourself some slack & treat yourself to something you want.

[Lorenza]

Also, other people can't eat when they feel hurt, but I'm quite the opposite, I eat junk non-stop, kinda trying to eat away my feelings. All my favorite junk foods. But it kinda makes me feels worse and gross. And I already feel gross and not good enough

[Lorenza]

An early conversation where marriage is generally discussed as a long term future goal, to the right person, without discussing the criteria for who is the right person or any specifics about the 2 of you, is fine. You can confirm he ultimately wants to be married but past 5-6 sentences you have to change the subject.

 

You will be OK. Decade changing birthdays always make me crazy. Cut yourself some slack & treat yourself to something you want.

 

Yeah, turning 30 isn't making this all better. Also he said "you're turning 30 so I don't want to waste your time" or something to that extend and it stung real bad

[d0nnivain]

That statement is actually a small sliver of a silver lining. He knew you were the serious type who was marriage oriented. Because deep down he knew his mislead you about his intentions he came clean & didn't continue.

 

Now you are free of him & your search for the right good man can continue.

[Happy Lemming]

Can I ask why you dated someone who was "long distance"?? Is there a reason you are not dating someone local??

[Lorenza]

Can I ask why you dated someone who was "long distance"?? Is there a reason you are not dating someone local??

 

I think I had a few threads of me ranting about how i dislike local guys... I really want to leave this place and I'm working towards it. I once travelled to one of my dream countries (love its history, language/accent and a lot of other things). While visiting I met this guy and found him just so wonderful, everything I was looking for. So the distance didn't seem scary...

[elaine567]

This was not about scaring him off.

Early doors he made it clear he was unlikely to commit, he warned you and sure enough he eventually freaked out and was unable to commit.

 

Nothing you did or didn't do caused this, but next time you get the "commitmentphobic" type speech, believe him...

 

Commitmentphobes love the chase. They will pull out all stops to win you over, then when they realize they have, and they think a commitment is expected, they panic and run away. Some do it after a great first date. Some after sex. Some after marriage. Some after being married and buying a house or having a child. Things that make them feel locked in and that the relationship is forever.

[Happy Lemming]

To Lorenza:

 

I completely understand and agree with the desire to move and expose yourself to different areas/locales. I was extremely nomadic in my youth. I never lived in any one place too long.

 

What I don't understand is that there NO guys worth dating locally? That you dislike ALL the men in your area? I just find it hard to believe that there are no men with positive qualities and attributes that catch your fancy (in the immediate area)??

[Lorenza]

To Lorenza:

 

I completely understand and agree with the desire to move and expose yourself to different areas/locales. I was extremely nomadic in my youth. I never lived in any one place too long.

 

What I don't understand is that there NO guys worth dating locally? That you dislike ALL the men in your area? I just find it hard to believe that there are no men with positive qualities and attributes that catch your fancy (in the immediate area)??

 

I been dating for the last 2,5 years and went on roughly 40 first dates and never felt any sort of connection with anyone. Of course I can't possibly go out with ALL the men in town. But the ones ive met I didn't like. I liked the ldr guy instantly...

I'm thinking I will not date at all until i move countries. Also exhausted from it.. so it's for the best

[The Outlaw]

Maybe I was too direct too soon then... Should have waited to see how it naturally unfolds instead of being so open about wanting something super serious and getting married in the future (I do truly want to be someone's wife one day). I just wanted to make sure he knows I'm not into something casual. Also I asked him if we're now bf/gf when I visited. I was too pushy and it scared him off.

 

I just feel it's best to take things slow and see where they go instead of rushing into things because we can all get lonely. He was likely afraid of commitment and knew he ran the risk of getting hurt again, so it's nothing you did at all. Keep your chin up.

[Highndry]

From what I recall, you're not even that old, Lorenza. I think you said once you're in your 20's - very young still. There are solid guys out there, and you'll meet the right one.

[crispytoast]

To Lorenza:

 

I completely understand and agree with the desire to move and expose yourself to different areas/locales. I was extremely nomadic in my youth. I never lived in any one place too long.

 

What I don't understand is that there NO guys worth dating locally? That you dislike ALL the men in your area? I just find it hard to believe that there are no men with positive qualities and attributes that catch your fancy (in the immediate area)??

I live in a small town and I get it. Every single woman I've dated since I moved here has resulted in unnecessary drama.. I mean I know this is something that can occur anywhere but it's been that way with every romantic interest and it's never been so severe. All of them had positive qualities and attributes that caught my fancy, but they also had backgrounds in my town and it's a place where everyone knows everyone, people love to talk, and there are people who will mess with your life out of boredom. I'm also exhausted by it and basically stopped trying to date after the last occurrence. I love lots of things about this place but I also can't wait to move back to a city where people tend to stay out of each other's business.