Author Lorenza Posted June 23, 2019 Author Share Posted June 23, 2019 From what I recall, you're not even that old, Lorenza. I think you said once you're in your 20's - very young still. There are solid guys out there, and you'll meet the right one. I'm turning 30 in a couple of weeks, so not so young Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted June 23, 2019 Author Share Posted June 23, 2019 I live in a small town and I get it. Every single woman I've dated since I moved here has resulted in unnecessary drama.. I mean I know this is something that can occur anywhere but it's been that way with every romantic interest and it's never been so severe. All of them had positive qualities and attributes that caught my fancy, but they also had backgrounds in my town and it's a place where everyone knows everyone, people love to talk, and there are people who will mess with your life out of boredom. I'm also exhausted by it and basically stopped trying to date after the last occurrence. I love lots of things about this place but I also can't wait to move back to a city where people tend to stay out of each other's business. I live in a big city, but it's a difficult city to date in. It has the most singles in the world. I believe it has a certain aura also. I've live here for 11 years and always found it difficult to connect to anyone, even in my early 20's. Besides, I don't want to accidentally find someone local and then delay my plan to move somewhere else within 2-3 years. I was very open to a ldr relationship because that would also be a strong reason to move in the future. I would have loved to live where the ldr guy lives, someday in the future in things went well... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted June 23, 2019 Author Share Posted June 23, 2019 We talked on phone.. he said the fact that he doesn't want to try and be with me has nothing to do with me or us... that he just knows he has a wrong mindset and will hurt me even more along the way...said sorry he didn't realise it sooner cause he thought he might be ready again, but he isn't... His dad is like that, he lives alone and has short flings and never commits to anyone. He thinks he is like that too. Despite everything I think he is a good person and honorable for telling me this instead of pretending, just to string me along. But that doesn't help me to feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 I don't want to accidentally find someone local and then delay my plan to move somewhere else within 2-3 years. Why are you waiting 2-3 years to make a move?? If you want to move, do it. I've been able to "pull up stakes" load a U-haul trailer and move in 2-3 weeks of planning. The internet makes moving so much easier, especially finding a new apartment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted June 23, 2019 Author Share Posted June 23, 2019 Why are you waiting 2-3 years to make a move?? If you want to move, do it. I've been able to "pull up stakes" load a U-haul trailer and move in 2-3 weeks of planning. The internet makes moving so much easier, especially finding a new apartment. Im studying. Gonna start my master in autumn Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 ^^^^ OK. I understand. Kudos for getting into a Masters degree program and continuing your education. I'm assuming you can't obtain this type of education in the location you want to move to?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted June 23, 2019 Author Share Posted June 23, 2019 ^^^^ OK. I understand. Kudos for getting into a Masters degree program and continuing your education. I'm assuming you can't obtain this type of education in the location you want to move to?? We have free education here, so it's of course best to finish it here... besides I don't know where yet.. I was dreaming about the country the guy lives in, maybe I shouldn't give up on it even though it didnt work out between us Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted June 23, 2019 Author Share Posted June 23, 2019 We said we'll keep in touch, but maybe I should go NC? I think I'll be holding on to a hope he will change his mind Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 I been dating for the last 2,5 years and went on roughly 40 first dates and never felt any sort of connection with anyone. Of course I can't possibly go out with ALL the men in town. But the ones ive met I didn't like. I liked the ldr guy instantly... I'm thinking I will not date at all until i move countries. Also exhausted from it.. so it's for the best You probably picked a guy who most women like, so he has the pick of the litter. You are likely very picky so it is going to be difficult for you to find somebody. Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 We talked on phone.. he said the fact that he doesn't want to try and be with me has nothing to do with me or us... that he just knows he has a wrong mindset and will hurt me even more along the way...said sorry he didn't realise it sooner cause he thought he might be ready again, but he isn't... Nonsense. It's about that other woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted June 23, 2019 Author Share Posted June 23, 2019 Nonsense. It's about that other woman. I don't think there is another woman. He's not the kind of guy all women like, shy, nerdy and goofy. I met his dad and the rest of the family knew about me, I saw the chats. Then he suddenly panicked a day before I went away, it calmed down right before i left and then he flipped again after i went home. I think he is just messed up. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 Plenty players are shy, nerdy and goofy... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 Yes, Elaine is most definitely right. You are really attracted to him - why wouldn't other women be? If he's got opportunities and he's not ready to settle down then he's going to be curious. That doesn't make him a bad guy. Don't let yourself feel bad for him and slow yourself down from moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted June 23, 2019 Author Share Posted June 23, 2019 I was just there and it seemed to me like mental problems more than wanting to be with other women. I'm also very attractive and interesting to a lot of men and he was feeling as lucky as I did, I saw his friends and mom complimenting me in a chat. I had a lot of candidates when I was visiting and going on dates in his area. He was also delaying sex with me despite other men usually wanting it right away, as he has some reservations with it, so I doubt it. Otherwise he would have jumped at the occasion much earlier. 3 months have passed until we had it... I just think it's some bad issues, could be even undiagnosed bipolar. He flipped so sudden and said a 1000 conflicting things. Also cried a lot, more than any guy cried for me. That just feels like inner problems to me. And of course, I am attracted to broken men as usual. I've always been. I cant get rid of it and probably thats why I'm unhappy Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 I am sorry you are feeling like crap Lorenza. This just didn't work out. It does not mean there is anything wrong with you. It's an experience you can learn from, that's all. It is truly difficult to make anything work at a distance because, ultimately, someone will have to relocate if it is to be anything other than an occasional thing and people usually baulk at that. Don't work so hard for guys. Let them pursue you. Keep your heart to yourself until you are really sure they are willing to commit to you. I am sure if you think, you will find all sorts of reasons why he is not the right guy for you, probably reasons you were willing to overlook at the time but which would have become significant later. Someone is looking for someone just like you. One day you will cross paths. I know it is hard to cope with disappointment but if a guy disappoints you he is the wrong guy by definition. The right guy will be there for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
crispytoast Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 Sending you a virtual hug! This too shall pass, you seem to have a pretty good grasp on the situation. There are billions of people on the planet, and by the way almost 30 isn't getting old, it's getting started in this day and age. I'm in my late 20s as well, I know lots of people who got together in their early 20s and from my point of view a lot of them stay together more because they are afraid of being alone. They are just as lost as the rest of us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted June 23, 2019 Author Share Posted June 23, 2019 Thank you crispytoast and spiderowl, words of encouragement were much needed! After crying the whole day and getting my eyes almost swollen shut, I decided I will not cry anymore. I will continue hoping I will cross paths with that guy who's also looking for me, and keep myself out there with my heart open despite anything... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 It sounds like you can do much, much better than this guy. Maybe aim a little higher next time. I think you're going to be fine. Regardless of what you say, you're still "young." Trust me. In another 15 years you'll look back and realize that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted June 24, 2019 Author Share Posted June 24, 2019 It sounds like you can do much, much better than this guy. Maybe aim a little higher next time. I think you're going to be fine. Regardless of what you say, you're still "young." Trust me. In another 15 years you'll look back and realize that. You're right, 30 isn't that old... besides I look a bit younger, people often think I'm 24-25. And I don't want to have children, so who cares... I just want a husband, and if I find a good one maybe I will want children also and it won't be too late... a woman at work just gave birth at 41... So there is still time.. A man who toyed with my emotions like that, giving so many mixed messages in matter of days, isn't worth all these tears... I really wanted him, there was just some character traits he had I found so endearing, he was so soft and caring, but it didn't prevent him from hurting an obviously sensitive woman searching for love. He isn't worth it... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 Lorenza, we've all messed up and it's easy to have high expectations when we begin to age and feel the social pressures to settle down. With sex, I know it's easy to justify it, but to me, I will only do it in a relationship. If that scare someone off, so be it. It's not worth the risk. It seems to always happen that when sex happens before knowing each other, one of the two freaks out. It's happened to me too. I would go no contact. He has met you and he should sort out what he wants if he wants to keep talking. You can't really go back to platonic friends once emotions are involved. But the distance will make it hard to have a normal relationship. A couple of hours are one thing, but if you have to take a flight to see each other, to me, you can't really get to know him in a regular way. Please take this time to heal and try not to beat yourself up. We all make mistakes. But please go no contact so you can process your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted June 24, 2019 Author Share Posted June 24, 2019 TheFinalWord - I only had sex because I thought we're progressing. He called me his girlfriend a couple of times. I know it was stupid of me, because right before we did it for the first time, he asked me if I'm sure and that it's ok to not do it yet, but I was like yes yes, I want it. It's my fault. But at the same time how can I ever be sure? A guy could tell me all I want to hear and then take it back after we had sex. I know I shouldn't be so harsh on myself. He was only the 4th guy I have slept with, which isn't that high of a number. All the guys I've slept with I had faith in. I wanted something serious with them, never just to satisfy my carnal needs (no judgment towards the ones who do!!) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 A few thoughts: First, I'm sorry that you are hurting. I don't think that anyone here thinks you're an "idiot" or that we're feeling like "I told you so." That said, I have the impression that you have road blocks in place to set yourself up for exactly this type of situation. 1) Long distance - bad bet for anyone. Rarely works out. 2) your feelings about sex. This is complicated and I could go on at length, but basically, you are applying negative value judgements to the sexual part of your relationships. Of course you need to be true to yourself and not do things that leave you feeling poorly about yourself, BUT - your self-protective ideas that if you don't have sex with a man you can't get hurt, or that having sex devalues you - are misguided and will set you up for feeling bad about yourself and your own sexuality. You think that having a sexual relationship with a man you have strong feelings for is somehow "bad," yet you are willing to sleep together? That's very intimate. How is it somehow more elevated than sharing a sexual relationship with a man you're very into? Relationships have a way of progressing and sex, unless you find a man who wants to marry before exploring this aspect of things, is going to be happening. In many cases sexual compatibility is part of what makes a relationship work or not work. It can and often is a deal breaker. Also sex is a strong bonding mechanism. Since you will only date men who live in a different country from you, you won't have the opportunities for bonding in regular life that you would with a local man - so you're either going to have sex with less of a commitment than you need, or not have sex - which will cause the waning of interest in many men. The combo of your feelings about sex and the long distance, zero "everyday" connection with a man are not going to merge well. Bad way to have set things up for yourself, if you want a different outcome than this one. 3) You "don't like" any men that live in the same country you do. Ok. Sounds like another self-protective shield to me, though. If you really can't, though, you might want to wait on aiming for a serious relationship until you can move to a country with better men. Long distance relationships are very difficult for anyone. 4) Romantic notions are probably not your friends in these situations. Now that I've said all that - I truly hope you're feeling better very soon. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 Is this the first time you met him in person? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted June 24, 2019 Author Share Posted June 24, 2019 NuevoYorko - thanks for an insightful post. You were able to out my feelings about sex in words - I definitely feel like sex devalues me in a way. It's a cultural thing. There's lots and lots of sl** shaming where I come from. But I would like to be more in tune with my sexuality. I'm not saying I would only do long distance. Could be an expat who just arrived here and haven't absorbed the aura of this city yet. Or I'm pretty sure some people feel exactly the same way, I just need to find them. BC1980 - no it wasn't, it was the third. But we spent in total of 10 days together within 2,5 months and constant contact on the phone. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 Trouble is some only do long distance as it suits them to be in a "hands off" relationship that gives them a lot of freedom and doesn't tie them down to responsibility and commitment. Its fun to go travelling to some strange city too... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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