Should I have sex with him?

[anika99]

Not everyone male or female feel the way you do. I prefer to find out if their is sexual compatibility, before I invest myself emotionally in a significant way. My wife feels the same way, as do a number of women I have been with and some of my male and female friends.

 

In my experience, it hasn't been difficult building a quality relationship, with going for sex at the beginning, whether it be within 2-3 hours of meeting someone, through to the 3rd date.

 

For plenty of us sex is just sex. So for us it's a waste of time, investing in someone emotionally if they turn out to be a dud partner sexually.

 

That's fine but if your going to have sex with someone right off the bat then you need to prepared for whatever happens after. If a woman is coming to these boards worried that she is just going to be used for sex or upset that a guy has ditched her right after sex, then she is not cut out for quick no strings attached sex. I have no doubt that there a plenty of women who can totally seperate sex from everything else but there are also plenty more women who cannot. When a guy ditches them after sex it always hurts and their self esteem takes a hit. It's crazy for them to keep hurting themselves that way.

 

Besides, since when did sex become rocket science? I never really understood this notion that I need to try out a person sexually before I can decide if they are worth my time. I've had sex with about 25 guys over my lifetime and there were only a couple of total duds in the mix. If a couple has a strong attraction to each other and there is good chemistry between them, when they have sex it's probably going to be hot! Furthermore the more they have sex the better it's going to get. Problems with sexual compatibility usually stems from unmatched sex drives, not technique.

[frus69]

The saying goes that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. It's not about failing and trying again. Scientists do not try the same thing a million times and then on the millionth and one try, just magically succeed. They try one thing and if that try fails, they do something different. They don't go "we injected a monkey with this new medication and it failed, so let's inject a million more monkeys with the same medication until we find a monkey it works on" because THAT would be insane. If an experiment fails then they go back to the drawing board to develop a new approach.

 

If I keep trying the same thing with the same man and expect a different result then i will be insane. But they are different men, so Im not insane :laugh:

[frus69]

My problem really isnt whether sex makes me more attached (it doesn't. I've had my fair share of casual relationships and never fell for the guy) but whether (early) sex makes men lose interest, and turn a potential thing into NSA.

 

If it does then I'll have to play the game and hold off sex..If it doesnt, and it only weeds out the men who arent genuinely interested at the beginning, then I dont mind having sex and stop seeing him, before I invest more time and emotions. I dont have the "Im being used for sex" mind set. No one is using anyone. We all get off here

Edited May 13, 2019 by frus69

[frus69]

 

Joking aside, I should have provided additional context there. Putting her first in terms of what does she need to feel safe with a man, what does she need emotionally to feel connected, etc. even what does she need sexually? :

 

Very interesting..I don't want to connect emotionally with anyone, deeply connected I mean. I dont enjoy getting vulnerable.

 

And what do you exactly mean by "feel safe with a man"? Feel no fear as long as he is there? But shouldnt we all feel secure by ourselves?

[5x5]

Now THAT's presumptuous. I already said, my way is not the only way. You seem awfully triggered, which I didn't think a beta could trigger an alpha? Maybe your wife can fill us in? Oh, wait, is that a beta or an alpha move, for your wife to speak on your behalf? Being a beta, I'm unsure.

 

Not triggered at all, simply offering a counterpoint to your approach. Your way may work for some and not others, just as my way may work for some and not others.

 

As to Beta and Alpha stuff, I used the term Beta for want of a better description since it seems a popular shorthand term on these forums. I don't consider myself to be Alpha, Beta or whatever (nor do I ascribe to such views). That said there was a time when I identified as Alpha simply because I was a member of 5 Platoon, Alpha Coy. In the same way I was once variably for a time identified as being Delta, Bravo, Depot and 2 Coy.

 

As to my wife, I am simply relating her statements as they apply here.

 

For us having sex early and being as we are and making the choices we have and do. Has seen us enjoy a splendid multi decade sexual relationship, with a kaleidoscope of variety combined with a to date continued high frequency. Which is something most people don't get to enjoy, since sex frequently falls off for other couples after just a few years at most.

 

Joking aside, I should have provided additional context there. Putting her first in terms of what does she need to feel safe with a man, what does she need emotionally to feel connected, etc. even what does she need sexually? I don't think prioritizing a woman's needs in that regard is beta or killing desire. Communication is key to healthy, high quality sex in my opinion. If you mean, a man throwing his goals and dreams out the window to simp for a woman? I agree, that's dump worthy. A woman should compliment a man's life, not fulfill it.

 

On the idea that a man playing doormat, at his own expense, doesn't kill sexual desire in a woman. I encourage you to think again.

 

That said I concur that effective communication is an essential ingredient for healthy relationships. Yet I still don't buy the idea that someone should always put someone else first in order to have a healthy relationship. For such an approach is fraught with problems.

 

To always put someone else first, is to always put oneself second, which is not a healthy dynamic. A lot of the cliches like "happy wife, happy life", or don't tell your wife they look fat in that" and don't tell your wife you only want her for sex. Plus other related nonsense, seldom make for better relationships.

 

My wife is a highly educated, accomplished and successful leader in her professional field, with a great career. Who is also a great partner and luscious lover, who has with me raised two highly talented and accomplished children. Yet unlike many, we still enjoy a splendid sex life, still like and love each other, while also having plenty of time for each other.

 

Yet we still retain our own autonomy, and don't meet each others wants and needs at the expense of ourselves. We also don't do happy wife, happy life. We do happy both of us, happy life. When she looks bad in something, I tell her she looks bad in it. When she says I only want her for sex, I tell her "yes I only want her for sex".

 

Yet we have always been there for each other. from our early days of dating, when we almost got killed to together. While I rendered first aid to her plus the other casualties and controlled the scene till help arrived, all while I was splattered in her blood. Through to today while we deal with our youngest, who is struggling with an illness that may take her life.

 

At the end of the day, having sex early can lead to terrific ongoing sexual relationships. Just as waiting for a long time, can also do the same. So those who want to wait, ought to wait. While those who don't want to wait, ought to play as soon as they can.

Edited May 13, 2019 by 5x5

[MaleIntuition]

My problem really isnt whether sex makes me more attached (it doesn't. I've had my fair share of casual relationships and never fell for the guy) but whether (early) sex makes men lose interest, and turn a potential thing into NSA.

 

If it does then I'll have to play the game and hold off sex..If it doesnt, and it only weeds out the men who arent genuinely interested at the beginning, then I dont mind having sex and stop seeing him, before I invest more time and emotions. I dont have the "Im being used for sex" mind set. No one is using anyone. We all get off here

 

Uhm, some might lose interest, some might become more interested, and for others it’s completely irrelevant. The only advice here is to not turn sex into some “strategic tool” - that will come off as disgenuine. For example: don’t proclaimed that you don’t have sex on the second date and then go ahead and have it anyway...

[Curiousroxy86]

My problem really isnt whether sex makes me more attached (it doesn't. I've had my fair share of casual relationships and never fell for the guy) but whether (early) sex makes men lose interest, and turn a potential thing into NSA.

 

 

Does early sex make men lose interest and turn a potential thing into NSA? The answer imo is yes for some men. Maybe many. But not all.

[elaine567]

Trouble is some men see women that "give it up easy" as "loose women" and unworthy of consideration as relationship material, and some sometimes think that way and other times think differently, it depends on the woman and the circumstances, some just do not care, if sex happens, it happens.

 

There is no set formula.