Should I have sex with him?

[smackie9]

what guy would wait that long?!how does he know hes being used?!

That happens to you no?

[Noproblem]

Do you want to have sex with him or not?

 

Who cares what he wants or expects, this is your body, if he is willing to have sex, then you either have sex with him and don't expect any relationship afterward

or you don't and see what happens next!

 

For me, I just find it weird to sleep with someone stranger right away, people need to know the person well before they hop in bed with them,

 

who said they are healthy, not crazy, or abusive! or have a criminal history? Or have a crazy ex!

 

Just too soon to be honest!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Who cares what he wants or expects, this is your body

 

Exactly. The fact that this thread was even created makes me sad for the OP .

[healing light]

Personally, I believe in the John Gray (author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) mindset. I think when you give up the goods really early on it tends to make the guy lose interest without knowing why... (he explains why this is the case from a biochemical viewpoint in his material). I have a lot of guy friends and there are about 2 that I can think of that develop relationships with women that sleep with them right away...the rest tend to dump them into the "not relationship material" category even though they have been willing participants themselves.

 

And remember, your comfort level matters, too. This is your body. You really don't know him, not even enough to gauge his intentions. He could have an STD for all you know. If you're okay with sleeping with him regardless of the emotional or physical repercussions, then go ahead. Personally, I would wait longer to get to know who he is, what his values are, how he treats me over time before sleeping with him. I'm the type, though, who doesn't have sex outside of committed relationships. I don't think anyone is entitled to sex just because you've gone on a few dates--in an ideal world, you'll be comfortable with whatever decision you make and on the same page before the pants come off.

[frus69]

Dont know why but I just feel he is not gonna hang around after sex... cuz that's 99% of tinder guys LMAO.

 

Dont know if im just jaded or.. I have sharp instinct.

[frus69]

Exactly. The fact that this thread was even created makes me sad for the OP .

 

Why are you sad for me? Obviously if I didn't want to have sex I wouldn't, that's not even gonna be a question.

 

Obviously I do want to have sex with him, but I don't want to ruin it by having sex too soon, if that's a thing.

[elaine567]

Dont know why but I just feel he is not gonna hang around after sex... cuz that's 99% of tinder guys LMAO.

Well, the poor guy hasn't even kissed you yet, and you are laying a sex trap for him on your second date...

He can't really win here. He accepts sex on the second date and he is all about sex, and if he declines he isn't really interested...

Maybe best to just go with the flow, assess the situation as it occurs, instead of

trying to set up scenarios that are unnatural to the progress of a relationship.

 

NO man is going to die if he doesn't get sex on the second date, if he is ALL about sex then best to let him go rather than he just add a number to your sex count. It is your body, your decision.

If you want NSA sex, then have NSA sex, no problem, but do not actively set up an NSA scenario, then moan when you never hear from him again.

[Curiousroxy86]

some men (might be many) will leave after sex. some men dont. but because you dont know and if you care that a guy leaves after sex it would just be wise to set a boundary if he tries to make the moves that says "hey Joe I like you and im just as turned on as you but I want to make sure the time is right.". If the guy seems to enjoy your company without having sex with you then you can determine to have sex when you feel its safe. me personally I reserve sex for exclusivity because I prefer to have sex with men who considers themselves my boyfriend and not effing other people. but thats my preference.

 

I would say just have sex when you want to if you truly dont care about if he leaves afterwards. most women do care which is why I dont understand why they try to convince themselves to have sex willy nilly. either keep your emotions in check or be real about your emotions and have boundaries I say

[stillafool]

Why are you sad for me? Obviously if I didn't want to have sex I wouldn't, that's not even gonna be a question.

 

Obviously I do want to have sex with him, but I don't want to ruin it by having sex too soon, if that's a thing.

 

Ruin what? You admit you want to have sex so have it. Don't use sex as a way to lock him down and as you put it "ruin it". That is not doing what you want to do which is have sex with him. Your mind is thinking about ways to get him into a relationship which is manipulative and not organic. If you want it have it and hopefully you will both like each other so much it will evolve into a relationship. Use protection.

[Redhead14]

Why are you sad for me? Obviously if I didn't want to have sex I wouldn't, that's not even gonna be a question.

 

Obviously I do want to have sex with him, but I don't want to ruin it by having sex too soon, if that's a thing.

 

You have nothing to lose by not having sex early PERIOD. You have more to lose and possibly pre-empt by having sex before you've had time to evaluate and observe whether he demonstrates sincerity and genuine interest in pursuing a serious relationship if that's what you're seeking.

 

Having sex with a man doesn't ensure that he will continue dating you either.

[Curiousroxy86]

Ruin what? You admit you want to have sex so have it. Don't use sex as a way to lock him down and as you put it "ruin it". That is not doing what you want to do which is have sex with him. Your mind is thinking about ways to get him into a relationship which is manipulative and not organic. If you want it have it and hopefully you will both like each other so much it will evolve into a relationship. Use protection.

 

hm encouraging her to just do it doesnt help the whole I dont want him to ghost me after sex issue smh. I mean she should just do it if she wants if she really doesnt care about the outcome. but the fact is she does and many women do care.

 

dont get me wrong abstaining from sex doesnt guarentee a guy would stay by any means. but the whole "just do it" just doesnt seem to address her fear or maybe actual problems of guys not sticking around after having sex and your answer is "just have sex" lol

 

like the Op strikes me as the type to just have sex already lol. so I think she has that part down fine. so what should her and many others do if she wants to minimize a guy leaving after she gets shagged?

[Redhead14]

What's a little sad about this is that you are concerned about ruining something you don't even know is worth worrying about.

[stillafool]

hm encouraging her to just do it doesnt help the whole I dont want him to ghost me after sex issue smh. I mean she should just do it if she wants if she really doesnt care about the outcome. but the fact is she does and many women do care.

 

dont get me wrong abstaining from sex doesnt guarentee a guy would stay by any means. but the whole "just do it" just doesnt seem to address her fear or maybe actual problems of guys not sticking around after having sex and your answer is "just have sex" lol

 

like the Op strikes me as the type to just have sex already lol. so I think she has that part down fine. so what should her and many others do if she wants to minimize a guy leaving after she gets shagged?

 

There's no guarantee that any guy or girl will stick around after sex. Even the ones who hold off still end up getting ghosted after finally giving in. It's a new world out here now and all a girl can do is be herself, have fun, have sex if she wants it and if she's in love with the guy hopefully he will love her for who she is and form a relationship. That is all you can do. If women try to hold off the sex in hopes of getting a relationship there's going to be a lot of horny women around. I will say to women that if you really want to have sex but are afraid you may get ghosted afterwards, really put it down good so there is no possible way he will forget it. Then, you be the one who pulls back.

Edited May 4, 2019 by stillafool

[Foxhall]

If your viewing him as a long term prospect, I would hold back on the second date sex, Id make him wait another while, make him earn it as it were

[elaine567]

OK "make him earn it", but it doesn't need to be about that. It is just a better idea to get to know him a bit better so that you can decide whether he is the type of guy to disappear after sex, or he is a nicer kind of a guy.

Also he may get to know you better as a person, so he is keener to stick around.

[Curiousroxy86]

There's no guarantee that any guy or girl will stick around after sex. Even the ones who hold off still end up getting ghosted after finally giving in. It's a new world out here now and all a girl can do is be herself, have fun, have sex if she wants it and if she's in love with the guy hopefully he will love her for who she is and form a relationship. That is all you can do. If women try to hold off the sex in hopes of getting a relationship there's going to be a lot of horny women around. I will say to women that if you really want to have sex but are afraid you may get ghosted afterwards, really put it down good so there is no possible way he will forget it. Then, you be the one who pulls back.

 

Hm seems flawed in my opinion. Yes it goes without saying there’s no guarantee in anybody staying in general whether it’s after sex, after a great date, after a phone call. People have the right at anytime to leave the person they get involved with buuuuut there is a such thing as better chances and worst chances. Do men ghost after women hold out from sex? Sure. But honestly I don’t think the point of holding out is to stop a man from ghosting. I think the point of holding out is to get a better sense to know who he is without sex. See if his interests are short lived. See if he ends up being flaky or a ghoster since he is not getting it as soon as he tried. See if the guy is willing to spend time and get to know her without sex being involved and then she would feel more comfortable risking having sex with a guy that shows her that versus f*cking a total stranger and cross her fingers he doesn’t ghost after its over. Women dont hold out to get a relationship (or at the least that shouldn’t be the point). Women (should) hold out to assess if this is even a guy she would want to have sex with and be in a relationship with assuming they don’t want NSA sex. Yes he is hot and yes she is horny but if a woman genuinely wants a guy to stick around after going to bed and doesn’t want NSA sex then Wouldn’t it make sense to at the very least take a little bit of time to asses what type of guy he is and if this guy seems to enjoys her company in a non sexual environment? Does he treat her kindly and with respect? Does he want a relationship? I mean again this is kind of what she should try to find out assuming she doesn’t want NSA sex. If she wants a no strings thing then by all means she should just do it lol and whatever happens happens.

 

Now I do think if a woman values her horniness above avoiding NSA sex then I think she needs to be able to totally deattach from the outcome, screw who she wants, and whoever sticks will stick. Pick and choose. Do you rather scratch that itch or do you want to stop having NSA sex? And that’s fine if you want to have sex it’s just a lot of women say they can do that but still be in their feelings. Now Another alternative if a woman is dead set on getting some while single is to put men in categories. Men you have sex with and men you want to consider for a relationship. The guy(s) you have sex with are there just for that and she dont try to turn him into a boyfriend unless he express the desire to be more. And the guys she is interested in as a potential boyfriend she can get to know him first to see if he is boyfriend worthy without sex and if he is not boyfriend worthy add him to meat list lol. This could work if she doesn’t try to mix the two on her own. The only issue with that is her feelings can still eff all that up lol.

 

So for me personally I know me. If I am having regular sex with a guy it’s more than likely because I am attracted to him and I more than likely want him for myself. I would want a relationship. I know I would be so in my feelings if I had sex and a guy stopped contacting me or never pursue a relationship. So because I know myself I decided it’s in my best interest to reserve sex for a guy who is my boyfriend. Because more than likely my boyfriend is going to stay after sex, call me the next day, go out with me, spend time with me, and not screw other girls. Kinda wouldn’t be a boyfriend if he was doing the opposite lol. Yes no guarantees as with everything in relationships...but if he calls himself my boyfriend it’s a greater chance he wouldnt do the very things that most people on LS have horror ghost stories (pun intended) about and i would feel more safe to enjoy having sex with him. Again that’s only because avoiding NSA is more important to me then having some random dude I barely know scratch that itch. At the end of the day I guess it’s all about what we value more or is willing to do.

 

And by the way still you talk about girls who try to use holding out to get a relationship but isn’t using sex and playing games to get a guy to stay just as bad??? (In reference to the whole put it down on him and pulling back comment).

[stillafool]

No, I'm not talking about playing a game with sex at all. I'm saying if she wants to have sex badly with a guy she feels may ghost her, make sure to bring your A game out during sex. After all, if a woman is horny for a guy it shouldn't be that hard. I said to pull back afterwards to preserve her feelings and not expect anything more to come from it. If it happens organically after that then great. Lots of people have gone on to marriage after having sex on the first date. Obviously I wasn't talking about someone having regular sex with a guy, or involved in a relationship. I'm talking about women who come here who want sex badly with a new guy but are afraid they will get ghosted afterwards. I don't believe in playing the game of putting men in boxes, those you view as relationship, husband material and those you just want to have sex with. Who has time for that? I want all of that in one man and that is why I choose my husband.

 

As far as holding out to assess whether a man is someone she would want a relationship with that is being done by both sexes but in different ways. The name of this thread is "Should I have sex with him? and my reply was to that not how to hook a man.

[frus69]

Okay so yesterday during the date I was just kissing him and told him sex was not a good idea cuz I want to get to know him more. He agreed so we kept talking and asking questions about each other, but we kissed again and one thing led to another I let myself go and had sex with him...

 

We ended up having sex multiple times and he stayed over and cooked me breakfast this morning , and now apparently we are hanging out again tonight (his idea)..

 

 

So.. things seem to be happening real fast now..I'm happy to see him again though..I don't know.. hopefully it doesn't burn off quick too..

May take this as an experiment and see if 2nd date sex can lead to something more after all lol

Edited May 5, 2019 by frus69

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Second - Although I'm one who is all about brutally open and honest conversations right from the start, many men will tell women what they want to hear if it will get them laid faster.

 

This is extremely true. I had guys do this to me and when I didn't give them sex, they ghosted me. A man who just wants sex will leave even if you do give them sex, a serious guy will stay and wait.

Edited May 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Curiousroxy86]

I said to pull back afterwards to preserve her feelings and not expect anything more to come from it. If it happens organically after that then great.

 

If I’m hearing you correctly what I’m getting from what your saying is basically have sex when you want to but keep your feelings in check and let the chips fall where they may. Like don’t expect an outcome.

 

And if so I agree with you (again only if she can have the mindset of not expecting an outcome)

 

However...unfortunately many (too many) women do not/can not put their feelings in check and we get posts like this smh

[frus69]

I am still seeing this guy, and he seems to want to see me a lot (we are seeing each other twice a week at the moment) and would always like me to stay over. And we would also kind of make future plans, like "lets do xx together", "let's do xx sometime"..He said he's deleted tinder.

Then we are having sex every time we see each other. I guess that's what happens when you have sex right away huh..and sometimes his text would get a bit sexual too. Not explicit though, so nothing over the top.

 

 

Because I have had guys come on strong then ghost me before so Im getting worried now. Is he "coming on strong" too? Emotionally and/or sexually? My guy friends say just because guys want sex doesnt mean that's all they want..but I cant shake off the feeling that history is gonna repeat itself..he tells me he feels the connection and he'd like to see me long term and I'm freaking out. Because the last guy who said this to me bloody ghosted.

 

Is two dates a week too much? Is sex every date a bad sign(albeit that's not what we only do. We go out and do stuff too)? Should I pull away a bit??

Edited May 7, 2019 by frus69

[salparadise]

Because I have had guys come on strong then ghost me before so Im getting worried now. Is he "coming on strong" too? Emotionally and/or sexually? My guy friends say just because guys want sex doesnt mean that's all they want..but I cant shake off the feeling that history is gonna repeat itself..he tells me he feels the connection and he'd like to see me long term and I'm freaking out. Because the last guy who said this to me bloody ghosted.

 

You are ruining your own joy and pleasure by worrying needlessly. Concentrate on savoring the moments (NOW) and quit the anxious ruminating based on nothing real. Nobody knows what the future holds, and worrying is killing your enjoyment of the present. Stop it.

 

Is two dates a week too much? Is sex every date a bad sign(albeit that's not what we only do. We go out and do stuff too)? Should I pull away a bit??

 

No, two dates a week is pretty normal. Sex every time is normal too. It sounds like the beginning of a nice relationship. Just roll with it and don't keep second guessing yourself. That's the only thing you're doing wrong as far as I can tell.

[BaileyB]

So, I’m one who doesn’t usually get too serious too fast with a guy... but, I don’t see anything really wrong with what is happening here.

 

Pay attention to his actions - he is showing interest, he has been consistent and reliable, he is getting to know you and doing different things with you - not just wanting to meet at your place and have sex... what’s not to like?

 

To pull back is to play games - and I think that will come back to bite you. Sure, you can make yourself busy one night this week (you should still be doing other things and seeing other friends)... Otherwise, it’s kind of like trying to trying to put the horse back in the barn.

 

The sad reality is, there is no guarantee that he won’t ghost you and hurt you as others have done in the past. This is the risk you take when you date - whether you go fast, or go slow. At a certain point, you just have to take the risk and jump in with both feet - knowing that you will be ok, whatever happens...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

Is two dates a week too much? Is sex every date a bad sign(albeit that's not what we only do. We go out and do stuff too)? Should I pull away a bit??

 

None of this sounds abnormal to me. If you weren't doing anything but having sex, yeah, but I think you're overthinking this if you do indeed want a relationship with this guy.

[salparadise]

Pay attention to his actions - he is showing interest, he has been consistent and reliable, he is getting to know you and doing different things with you - not just wanting to meet at your place and have sex... what’s not to like?

 

Bailey, she doesn't need extra encouragement in overthinking, analyzing, and looking for problems that don't exist... he sounds like a nice guy, and she needs to have some faith, or at least maintain a neutral posture towards him.