Should I have sex with him?

[elaine567]

Seems to me "Should I pull away? " is such a common question especially when things seem to be going so well. Many are so worried about appearing to actually like a person, that they ruin what is a burgeoning romance.

Pulling away from people who are showing you they want and desire you is crazy...

[frus69]

I know when people like each other a lot they naturally want to spend all the time with each other but it can subconsciously kill the attraction. So even if he doesnt intend to do so, he may realize he's no longer interested shortly after.

 

By pulling away I dont mean withdrawing I mean slowing things down? Like, have our date once a week sometimes, or dont spend whole weekend together at this stage, dont have more than one sleepover a week etc..

[elaine567]

By pulling away I dont mean withdrawing I mean slowing things down? Like, have our date once a week sometimes, or dont spend whole weekend together at this stage, dont have more than one sleepover a week etc..

 

Why would you want to kill the natural progression of your relationship?

[frus69]

Is it the natural progression though? If it hasnt even been 4 weeks yet and we already spend whole weekend together?

[RecentChange]

I know when people like each other a lot they naturally want to spend all the time with each other but it can subconsciously kill the attraction. So even if he doesnt intend to do so, he may realize he's no longer interested shortly after.

 

By pulling away I dont mean withdrawing I mean slowing things down? Like, have our date once a week sometimes, or dont spend whole weekend together at this stage, dont have more than one sleepover a week etc..

 

Personally I say quit trying to manufacture problems and go with the flow.

 

Too much time together can subconsciously kill attraction? Well I say in those cases the attraction and compatibility probably weren’t very deep.

 

IDK, when my husband and I first met we were crazy about each other and tried to spend all the time together we could. It didn’t kill anything- it led to a lasting relationship

[elaine567]

IDK, when my husband and I first met we were crazy about each other and tried to spend all the time together we could. It didn’t kill anything- it led to a lasting relationship

 

That is my experience too.

Kill the craziness and what are you left with?

Coldness, aloofness and distance which leads to fading and ghosting...

[frus69]

With the guy who ghosted me, I went with the flow and enjoyed the craziness and saw him a lot( he initiated all the dates) then he ghosted me and people here say i should have slowed things down. Guys who move really fast usually lose interest really fast too and it's my job to slow it down..

 

Now you are saying I'm killing the attraction.. I am so confused

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Is it the natural progression though? If it hasnt even been 4 weeks yet and we already spend whole weekend together?

 

Every weekend? Don't let yourself get suffocated. I thought it was just a few days ago you posted about wondering if you should have sex or not.

[RecentChange]

Honestly because love and relationships are math equations. There are too many variables to say well guy X did this, so I am going to treat guy Y as if he was guy X.

 

Just because things fizzled out with one guy, doesn’t mean that it will be the same with this one.

 

Do you think if you had slowed things down with the last guy.... that instead of a break up you would have had happily ever after?

 

I think people are attracted to each other and they are compatible or they aren’t. The rate of discovering this may vary, but I don’t see the need to slow things down so you can take longer to discover that you two aren’t meant to be.

[frus69]

Every weekend? Don't let yourself get suffocated. I thought it was just a few days ago you posted about wondering if you should have sex or not.

 

No it's more of an assumption. I did spend one whole weekend with him. And Im thinking I cant do this every weekend now

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

No it's more of an assumption. I did spend one whole weekend with him. And Im thinking I cant do this every weekend now

 

Ahhh, ok. I agree with you. And now is the time to clearly set expectations about that before you get deeper into that. I don't think twice a week is too much to date at this point, but spending every weekend, all weekend together one month in? I'd probably have a talk about this.

[frus69]

Do you think if you had slowed things down with the last guy.... that instead of a break up you would have had happily ever after?

.

 

That's the issue..I dont know if it was me not slowing things down or him being an ass that caused the disaster. ..

[BaileyB]

No it's more of an assumption. I did spend one whole weekend with him. And Im thinking I cant do this every weekend now

 

Well then, you need to have a discussion about reasonable expectations. Tell him, the first weekend was fun but next weekend, you need to get some house cleaning done.

 

Seriously, I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years. We don’t spend the whole weekend together ever because we have stuff to do - cleaning, groceries, friends, family commitments, etc... You will negotiate the time that you are available, and you won’t be available all the time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder... sometimes.

 

I agree with Recent Change - slowing it down with the last guy probably wouldn’t have changed the outcome. If someone wants to be with you, they will be with you.

 

And again, nothing you can do will guarantee that it won’t happen again. Every relationship is a risk. Just take it day by day, and try to enjoy the process...

[BaileyB]

That's the issue..I dont know if it was me not slowing things down or him being an ass that caused the disaster. ..

 

He was an ass, if you were in a relationship and he ghosted you.

 

It was nothing you did, that decision was all on him.

 

The reason for “taking things slow” is to allow you some time to evaluate if this guy is a good guy - worthy of your trust and your affection. Taking things slow will not prevent someone from losing interest and ghosting you.

 

The reason why some relationships burn bright and burn out quick is because there was nothing beyond the initial physical attraction to sustain a more permanent relationship. If that is your goal, you want to spend time together - sharing experiences and getting to know each other. That’s hard to do - if you pull back.

 

That said, whole weekends together every weekend at this point in the relationship is too much. The best relationships occur when there is a “me,” a “you,” and an “us.”

[Curiousroxy86]

Because I have had guys come on strong then ghost me before so Im getting worried now. Is he "coming on strong" too? Emotionally and/or sexually? My guy friends say just because guys want sex doesnt mean that's all they want..but I cant shake off the feeling that history is gonna repeat itself..he tells me he feels the connection and he'd like to see me long term and I'm freaking out. Because the last guy who said this to me bloody ghosted.

 

Is two dates a week too much? Is sex every date a bad sign(albeit that's not what we only do. We go out and do stuff too)? Should I pull away a bit??

 

I can understand your fear. honestly I would just be in the moment, enjoy, have a good time, respond positive to his pursuit, let him initiate, be confident, and when he is not in your presence focus on doing things that make you happy. as soon as he show sh*tty behavior tell him one time "hey thats not okay" and if he doesnt respond favorably you cut him loose.

 

keep it simple.

 

if he is a game player/ghoster/or anything thats not relationship worthy trust me he will reveal it

 

guys who are sh*tty human beings it really doesnt matter what you do lol. now dont get me wrong I do believe there is such a thing as a guy being turned off by something you have done and pulling away from you. but I feel like your best bet is to do what I said above and most guys would keep coming around to that. what they wont come around to is a woman who acts needy, clingy, anxious, wondering where its going, chasing him, not responding positive to his pursuit, planning to scheme to lock him down, being masculine...just dont do things that can kill his attraction to you. but if your being your most attractive self and a guy doesnt stick then he is simply not the right guy. and thats okay. you want the right guy dont ya?

 

the sex thing has already happened. I wouldnt worry about that now lol. good luck.

[Curiousroxy86]

Bailey, she doesn't need extra encouragement in overthinking, analyzing, and looking for problems that don't exist... he sounds like a nice guy, and she needs to have some faith, or at least maintain a neutral posture towards him.

 

no I agree with bailey . every woman does need to pay attention to a mans actions over time. yes I agree she shouldnt overthink and try to assign meanings thats not there. but what she dont do is ignore a guys actions completely. that matters.

[Curiousroxy86]

Seems to me "Should I pull away? " is such a common question especially when things seem to be going so well. Many are so worried about appearing to actually like a person, that they ruin what is a burgeoning romance.

Pulling away from people who are showing you they want and desire you is crazy...

 

omg this. if your going to pull away then you want to do it when someone is FIRST being rude, mean, distant, uncaring, indifferent....

 

and honestly if it continues you cut the cord completely as in break up

[BaileyB]

no I agree with bailey . every woman does need to pay attention to a mans actions over time. yes I agree she shouldnt overthink and try to assign meanings thats not there. but what she dont do is ignore a guys actions completely. that matters.

 

And interestingly enough, what I was saying was that when you look at his actions - he seems like a good guy! I was telling her not to over think it, just to go with it because everything looked good.

[Curiousroxy86]

I know when people like each other a lot they naturally want to spend all the time with each other but it can subconsciously kill the attraction. So even if he doesnt intend to do so, he may realize he's no longer interested shortly after.

 

 

you have to understand that there are many things that can kill an attraction that is not within your control though...

1. some guys lose attraction because they are bored. honey its not our job to keep him entertained 24/7

 

2. some guys lose attraction because they want a variety of women. what are you going to do? wear a different wig everytime you hook up?

 

3. some guys lose attraction because they wasnt attracted in the first place and was just pretending.

 

4. some guys lose attraction because yall just end up being incompatible. nothing wrong with you. nothing wrong with him. just dont share the same values on what he deems important.

 

5. some guys lose attraction because you changed something about yourself that he found shallowly unattractive. you like your hair cut. he doesnt. just an example

 

6. some guys lose attraction because they see someone they are attracted to more

 

so many sh*tty ways for a guy to lose attraction I wouldnt kill myself trying to figure out how to keep him attracted frus

 

I mean if you want to worry about anything that could kill attraction it would be this...

1. tolerating bad/subpar treatment. if a guys see you dont value yourself even if he is the punk thats causing the bad treatment he loses respect which loses attraction. standing up for yourself is sexy. boundaries is sexy. the only guys that doesnt see boundaries as sexy are toxic men.

 

2. him seeing you playing games. a girl pulling away from a guy on purpose creating space may entice a guy to chase for a little while but if he sees you playing games you will get dropped. so you have to be careful with that one.

 

3. exhibiting low self esteem. confidence is sexy. love and accept yourself. the only guys that are attracted to women who dont love and accept themselves are men who are toxic af. healthy guys would be so turned off by a woman who doesnt love or accept herself.

 

4. arrogance. confidence is sexy. arrogance is not. if you come off like your stuck up or better than him you will get dropped.

 

5. not taking care about your appearance or hygiene. self explanatory.

 

6. chasing him or not giving him space and autonomy. I think this is the one your afraid of. you mentioned pulling back. you dont necessarily have to be extra and pull back. just let him initiate. if you let him initiate that automatically gives him autonomy. he can see you and contact you when he wants to. as long as you respond positive to him he will know that your interested. if you do pull back or pump the brakes let it be because you actually have plans not because your trying to manipulate the situation. "I got plans with family (because you actually do) but I can see you on xyz".

 

7. being indifferent or aloof. at first he may chase but if he ends up feeling like you dont care this will bite you in the butt because he thinks your not interested and doesnt want to be in the friend zone.

 

8. putting him on a pedestal. he may enjoy the attention at first but its goes back to the whole low self esteem thing. if you see him as the prize its like you dont have self respect and not having self respect is unsexy

 

im sure there is more but thats all I can think of. what your worried about you shouldnt be worried about. and if your not careful your going to run him away because you will end up playing games or your lack of confidence will show.

[Versacehottie]

Honestly because love and relationships are math equations. There are too many variables to say well guy X did this, so I am going to treat guy Y as if he was guy X.

 

Just because things fizzled out with one guy, doesn’t mean that it will be the same with this one.

 

.

 

Love this^^^^ this is exactly what trips people up. There are too many variables to have it perfectly figured out. Great advice for people who want to overthink and strategize things.

 

For the OP, like the others are saying, the flow is already going at one pace so it'd be really awkward to try to slow it down. I think you clarified that you have only spent one weekend together so there isn't really a pattern there. Just try to set up a pattern that you can live with/that feels right for your life, not for what you think would get the guy or not scare him away or slow things down. Most definitely you should have other things going on, as I hope you do.

 

I think if you are living more in the now and short term it will be better for you: to enjoy it, to do better for your sake and for the sake of a good relationship/or determining if this IS one. Of course, he could still disappear but at least it won't be from you sabotaging it unnecessarily with overthinking, trying to strategize or using faux pullbacks to influence the outcome/his feelings.

 

BTW, you keep bringing up sex like it's a determining factor here. Idk, IMO it's a non-issue now. You slept with him when you did; it didn't seem to influence whether he was going to stick around regarding that so whatever is going on now is probably what is normal and you should roll with it It's a good thing and you can't take it back and don't need to bring it up like it was a mistake because it doesn't seem like it was at all. The only thing is it has made it a bit of a speeded up relationship--so what? If you are enjoying the relationship and he is too, go with it. Good luck

[frus69]

 

the sex thing has already happened. I wouldnt worry about that now lol. good luck.

 

 

BTW, you keep bringing up sex like it's a determining factor here. Idk, IMO it's a non-issue now. You slept with him when you did; it didn't seem to influence whether he was going to stick around regarding that so whatever is going on now is probably what is normal and you should roll with it

 

yeah but problem is now when we text, no matter what Im saying he can bring it back to sex within 5 sentences....Maybe I will need to pay attention to what we talk about in person..

 

so yeah i guess having sex early is not the issue, but maybe his sex drive is...LMAO

[d0nnivain]

The problem here is not having sex or waiting. The problem is what you think early sex means or guarantees. It's also about you not being true to your own word.

 

While kissing him you said no sex. You kept kissing then you had sex anyway. Total mixed message & it tells this guy you have very little self control. You need integrity, especially with yourself.

 

I get it. In the early stages especially it's easy to get overcome in the throws of passion. Been there, done that. My solution as an adult was to make sure the early dates never happened in a setting where I could get carried away since I knew myself well enough to know how much I enjoy sex.

 

Now you want to play more games & alter the pace that has been set. You spent one weekend together, which is easy to do in the early stages when you can't get enough of each other. My problem in these early stages was always balancing life. If you give all your weekends to him you end up with no food in the house & mounds of dirty clothes because you didn't do laundry. It takes a while to incorporate boring chores into the romance.

 

While I wish you the best I fear for your future because you are not being genuine here. You say one thing, & do something else You are also not communicating candidly with this guy. That said, do not say you want to "slow down" or anything like that. Do pick a weekend day to take care of your household responsibilities & visit friends. You need to keep up your regular life not just fold yourself into him & let the world fade away. You need a healthy balance between your hot new romance & your regular life. I suspect you are the type of woman who puts all her energy into the new guy then can't figure out why he feels smothered. That's when he ghosts because you stopped being a challenge; you stopped having a life that doesn't revolve around him.

 

Be truer to yourself & a lot of your doubts & problems will go away.

[clia]

I am still seeing this guy, and he seems to want to see me a lot (we are seeing each other twice a week at the moment) and would always like me to stay over. And we would also kind of make future plans, like "lets do xx together", "let's do xx sometime"..He said he's deleted tinder.

Then we are having sex every time we see each other. I guess that's what happens when you have sex right away huh..and sometimes his text would get a bit sexual too. Not explicit though, so nothing over the top.

 

....

 

Is two dates a week too much? Is sex every date a bad sign(albeit that's not what we only do. We go out and do stuff too)? Should I pull away a bit??

 

I'm confused. According to your thread you had sex this this guy one week ago, which was your second date? How many times have you seen him since then? I can't see how anything has become an established pattern in such a short period of time. You said you spent the whole weekend with him (last weekend?) What does that mean? You got together on Friday and you or he never went home until Sunday night, or you just saw each other a few times over the course of the weekend?

 

Anyway, seeing each other twice a week sounds totally fine, but spending an entire weekend together (as in Friday night, Saturday day and night, Sunday day and night) is way excessive. See him one night during the week and one weekend night. Possibly you could extend to one day on the weekend as well, or another weeknight, depending. Spend the night together if you want, since that cat is already out of the bag. But go home, see your friends, live your life. I do not think it's generally good to spend a ton of time together really early on in a relationship because that can often lead to a person feeling suffocated, in over their head, overwhelmed, etc. (Although obviously is not always the case.) Pace yourself. There is nothing established after one week so you need to set boundaries.

 

What are your plans with him for the weekend?

[newyorker11356]

If your viewing him as a long term prospect, I would hold back on the second date sex, Id make him wait another while, make him earn it as it were

 

Lol at "make him earn it."

 

It isn't and shouldn't be about that.

[frus69]

While I wish you the best I fear for your future because you are not being genuine here. You say one thing, & do something else You are also not communicating candidly with this guy. That said, do not say you want to "slow down" or anything like that. Do pick a weekend day to take care of your household responsibilities & visit friends. You need to keep up your regular life not just fold yourself into him & let the world fade away. You need a healthy balance between your hot new romance & your regular life. I suspect you are the type of woman who puts all her energy into the new guy then can't figure out why he feels smothered. That's when he ghosts because you stopped being a challenge; you stopped having a life that doesn't revolve around him.

 

Be truer to yourself & a lot of your doubts & problems will go away.

 

you know personally I truly dont give a damn about when to have sex. Early sex doesnt mean anything to me and doesnt guarantee anything to me either. Every time I read people here say " early sex makes the women lose value/integrity", I feel sick to my stomach. What BS is this? We dont judge men on early sex?!

 

But, I've come to realize I may just need to accept the fact, that for some unexplainable reason, men lose interest if girls give them sex early. And my true intention is to have sex without turning this into NSA. So I was thinking I probably need to play by the rule. The "hold sex to get whatever" rule. Or "hold sex to prevent hurting myself" rule. Hence the original question..

 

I guess in the end I stayed true to myself anyway cuz I had sex with him LMAO. I only said "no sex cuz I want to get to know you better" because I think that's the right thing to say. Honestly though for me, sex and getting to know him has nothing to do with each other.

Edited May 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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