Author kathsil Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 (edited) Yeah, I'm still trying to understand if my guy is just beta, or is just selfish. Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed Link to post Share on other sites
Twizzlestick Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 (edited) Just stick with mismatched:D Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kathsil Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 (edited) Oh yes completely. Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Yeah, I'm good on the Tony Robbins stuff. Point here is simple. You are attracted too your boyfriend but you two are not compatible. I'm not one who really believes in non compatible since as people we are constantly shifting, but your boyfriend is a simpleton when it comes to relationships and you're looking for a master. One who can decipher your poor communication skills and/or instinctively just know what you want. Impossible and unrealistic. So, how about saying "I want you to take me out to dinner, somewhere nice" believe it or not many men need direct input. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kathsil Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 (edited) A simpleton Again, I don't have poor communication skills. He asked me "do you want to meet at yours or meet somewhere else", and I responded: "we can meet at mine and then go grab something to eat". This is not poor communication skills. Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Again, I don't have poor communication skills. He asked me "do you want to meet at yours or meet somewhere else", and I responded: "we can meet at mine and then go grab something to eat". This is not poor communication skills. Ugh. In your 1st post you wrote that you replied "it would be nice to get something to eat." You expressed a wish. You did not confirm a plan. Now you are changing the verbiage. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 The problem with poor communicators is they have the complete thought in their head and they know what they are trying two say, but that isnt what comes out. So you believe you are communicating well while in reality it poor. of you believe you are a good communicator most do, but reading here, you could be better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 So I should accept a guy who only wants to hang around at MY house ALL the times we are together, never plans dates, never wants to go anywhere, so I'm not high maintenance? That's just ridiculous. I'm not high maintenance, I like to be treated properly which is a big difference. If I may ask, how often did you offer to pay or contribute when you guys went out on dates? I also just saw your comment about his being a beta guy at work. It can be true, but the way you wrote about him reeks of disrespect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kathsil Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 Ugh. In your 1st post you wrote that you replied "it would be nice to get something to eat." You expressed a wish. You did not confirm a plan. Now you are changing the verbiage. Yes I went back to the messages we exchanged to see exactly what I wrote it to him, and it was "we can meet at mine and then go grab something to eat". The "it would be nice to get something to eat" was actually in regards to the first time we met after we broke up to have a conversation. Which actually now you mentioned it, it made me think about what happened. He texted me asking "do you want to have a coffee OR something to eat?" and I responded to him "it would be nice to get something to eat". So we ended up meeting at a local pub and having some drinks in later afternoon, we were sitting outside and it started to become a bit cold, so at some point I was going to say to him "let's move inside", when he said "so should we go?" in regards to go back to our cars. I was a bit surprised with his because I have said to him "it would be nice to get something to eat", so I thought we were going inside to eat there too. Anyway, now that I think about it, just before he said "let's go", he asked me if I wanted to get back together, and I said I don't know and I need to see how I feel. Now I'm thinking I didn't give him the response he wanted, so instead of going inside to eat, he wanted to go home. Oh dear... Link to post Share on other sites
Author kathsil Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 If I may ask, how often did you offer to pay or contribute when you guys went out on dates? I also just saw your comment about his being a beta guy at work. It can be true, but the way you wrote about him reeks of disrespect. The way I wrote about him I was QUOTING his own words! He is the one who talks like that about himself! Yes I did offer to pay EVERY single time, since the first date. And I did pay a few times. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 I am very much an Alpha Female. Even so I love being taken care of & nurtured. When I was single & decided I was ready to settle down, I threw it out to the universe that I wanted a man who was strong enough to let me be weak. That is a tall order. My husband is a United States Marine Veteran. He's one of the strongest most loyal men I know but God bless him, the man can't plan his way out of a paper bag. He just sucks at it. I tried & tried to be deferential & let him arrange our dates. All it got me was pissed off. In frustration my husband finally pled with me to not rely on him to juggle all the details I can manage with ease because it's too much for him. So I run our social lives but he gets veto power. I'm also willing to do things without him. He is an introvert who needs alone time. Occasionally I will ask him for a specific thing: please plan a date next weekend. Or I give him a multiple choice Q: do you want to do X or Y? More variables just befuddle him. It has been much better since I just do it, but we didn't get there until we really talked & admitted things that were hard to talk about. In exchange for doing more planning, I got a reliable steadfast guy who has gotten me through some pretty awful times including the deaths of my parents & the destruction of my childhood home. You can carry on about all the gender stereotypes all you want but until you accept more responsibility for the path of your life & you social activities you will remain stuck in this frustrating place. The choice is yours. Longing to find somebody to do things for you that you can easily do yourself is a path to everlasting unhappiness Did he not have to plan some of the dates during your early dating stage like the first couple of months? I can’t imagine any woman would agree to be his girlfriend if he left absolutely all the date planning to the woman. Did he buy you gifts or send you flowers on special occasions? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kathsil Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 The problem with poor communicators is they have the complete thought in their head and they know what they are trying two say, but that isnt what comes out. So you believe you are communicating well while in reality it poor. of you believe you are a good communicator most do, but reading here, you could be better. He asked me "do you want to meet at yours or meet somewhere else", and I responded: "we can meet at mine and then go grab something to eat". I see no communciation problems in there. Clear and straight to the point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kathsil Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 Did he not have to plan some of the dates during your early dating stage like the first couple of months? I can’t imagine any woman would agree to be his girlfriend if he left absolutely all the date planning to the woman. Did he buy you gifts or send you flowers on special occasions? I'm not sure if you read my other post I talked about this, but he did a LOT of effort for one month. Until the day he came to my house and had sex. From that day onwards, all he wanted was to meet at mine, stay at mine, and order take-outs, and stay overnight. Nothing else. No more dates. No more effort. Until the day I started asking him why we're always at mine now, and that I would like to go on dates again. He would feel annoyed, would make a bit of effort again to lure me back in, and then go back to his lazy ass behaviour. Until we broke up. And now I feel he wants the pattern to continue. I'm tired boss. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 He asked me "do you want to meet at yours or meet somewhere else", and I responded: "we can meet at mine and then go grab something to eat". I see no communciation problems in there. Clear and straight to the point. For some reason, I got the feeling he deliberately played dense to get back at you. Or perhaps he had relegated you as a casual girlfriend because there’s something turning him off in your relationship. Had he done this before your breakup? Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 I'm not sure if you read my other post I talked about this, but he did a LOT of effort for one month. Until the day he came to my house and had sex. From that day onwards, all he wanted was to meet at mine, stay at mine, and order take-outs, and stay overnight. Nothing else. No more dates. No more effort. Until the day I started asking him why we're always at mine now, and that I would like to go on dates again. He would feel annoyed, would make a bit of effort again to lure me back in, and then go back to his lazy ass behaviour. Until we broke up. And now I feel he wants the pattern to continue. I'm tired boss. Sorry that post was for D0nnivain Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Exactly Kath, you've proven my point. You yourself are confused about what was said. At any rate, no point in debate on that, question is why are you still involved with a guy you dont seem to respect much nor is he the "type" of guy you ultimately want? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kathsil Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 For some reason, I got the feeling he deliberately played dense to get back at you. Or perhaps he had relegated you as a casual girlfriend because there’s something turning him off in your relationship. Had he done this before your breakup? Many many times. He would do that when I would put a boundary up and he didn't get his way. Then he would feel resentful and do this kind of stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kathsil Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 Exactly Kath, you've proven my point. You yourself are confused about what was said. At any rate, no point in debate on that, question is why are you still involved with a guy you dont seem to respect much nor is he the "type" of guy you ultimately want? Yes very good point. That's why we broke up. And I accepted to get back together because we had a conversation and he seemed keen on making things work and etc. Didn't last long. I'm waiting to see what happens now with the date on Saturday and what he does, if he withdraws, becomes wishy washy etc, it's goodbye. To be honest I always had the feeling that he doesn't want to have dates with me that don't include sex. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Many many times. He would do that when I would put a boundary up and he didn't get his way. Then he would feel resentful and do this kind of stuff. In that case, he’s very passive aggressive. I just don’t see how this relationship working. Let us know how your Sat date planning turns out! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kathsil Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 (edited) Thank you, I will. I don't have a good feeling about it anyway. I think this dynamic is very toxic. A "normal" guy (and I'm not even saying alpha or beta, just normal), when I responded to him "we can meet at mine and go grab something to eat", would just respond: "ok I'll meet you at 7pm and then we'll go somewhere to eat". Simple. And I wouldn't be here writing all this. Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Thank you, I will. I don't have a good feeling about it anyway. I think this dynamic is very toxic. A "normal" guy (and I'm not even saying alpha or beta, just normal), when I responded to him "we can meet at mine and go grab something to eat", would just respond: "ok I'll meet you at 7pm and then we'll go somewhere to eat". Simple. And I wouldn't be here writing all this. A better communicator would have teased him about overlooking your suggestion. You really need to work on your communication, big time. If you had explained in your opening post that the guy would act in a passive aggressive manner whenever you tried to put up some boundaries, many would agree he’s emotionally manipulative. But we were appalled that you would throw around the “abusive” word like that for something that seems like little misunderstanding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kathsil Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 (edited) Yes you're right. On my opening post I was focusing solely on what happened this time, but there is a big history behind it of his passive-agressive behaviour and yes I agree he is emotionally manipulative. He overlooked my suggestion because it didn't include what he wanted. So he doesn't give a shyt about what I want. He only asked to pretend he is polite, and see if he can get away with what he wants in an easy way. A relationship shouldn't be this hard work. I already feel very put off by this guy and to be honest don't really feel attracted to him anymore. Just the idea of having sex with him again doesn't appeal to me at all. I'm just gonna see what he's gonna do in regards to Saturday date and as I said, I don't have a good feeling about it. Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed Link to post Share on other sites
Twizzlestick Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Kathsil Reading your thoughts makes an ominous outlook about this. What are you going to do? Can’t sit in silence. Alternative is ending it all. You’ve put some hours and work into your situation today by airing out your personal thoughts and garnering feedback. Would be a shame to just go on the date and passively observe, repeating the same process. It’ll just be a repeat from the both of you. There’ll be some other small instance that ignites a fire. The air is primed and combustable between you. How about this as a plan. Go on the date, but make sure what you want to do happens. Put ya foot down and set a plan. Take the lead and bury pride in this case. That way you might have a cracking evening. If it goes well a day later say to him you need a proper mafioso sit down (well maybe not the mafioso bit) and air all this stuff you’ve said to us in a positive and forward minded fashion. If date 3 you’re still miffed your expectations not being met then that’s that, call time. I’d say that would be a shame to put all the hours of discussion about your rele to one side without discussing it with the very person concerned at least. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Personally I wouldn’t do that, as they had already discussed that during the breakup. I would either ask him where and when we’re going to meet for dinner and movie on Sat, or: When he pulls that passive aggressive crap and pretends like he’s not sure if you guys are going to netflix and chill at your place, say “Did we not plan to go out for dinner and movie?” Link to post Share on other sites
Author kathsil Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 Kathsil Reading your thoughts makes an ominous outlook about this. What are you going to do? Can’t sit in silence. Alternative is ending it all. You’ve put some hours and work into your situation today by airing out your personal thoughts and garnering feedback. Would be a shame to just go on the date and passively observe, repeating the same process. It’ll just be a repeat from the both of you. There’ll be some other small instance that ignites a fire. The air is primed and combustable between you. How about this as a plan. Go on the date, but make sure what you want to do happens. Put ya foot down and set a plan. Take the lead and bury pride in this case. That way you might have a cracking evening. If it goes well a day later say to him you need a proper mafioso sit down (well maybe not the mafioso bit) and air all this stuff you’ve said to us in a positive and forward minded fashion. If date 3 you’re still miffed your expectations not being met then that’s that, call time. I’d say that would be a shame to put all the hours of discussion about your rele to one side without discussing it with the very person concerned at least. I am definitely not gonna sit in silence. Listen, the way we broke up was with me telling him openly what I want: to go out on dates, dinner out, visit places, plan fun stuff, explore the world, etc. I told him I do not want to only hang out at my house every single time. I communicated everything clearly and with my boundaries. The result? He broke up days later saying I deserve a man who is there for me 100% and is not him. Now he contacted me wanted to come back together. He already knows how I am and what I want. And again, he's reverting back to his manners. So, to me now my intention was to see how he acts and how he plans and what he does. And I want to see how it goes this Saturday. If he doesn't step up, I don't want to have any conversation. The conversations have happened already. It will just be over because I'm fed up. Link to post Share on other sites
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