We got back together but I'm already unsure

[kathsil]

well I wasn’t trying to give anyone ideas with that lol.

 

In sincereness, its not me you need to convince, a stranger. There’s no purpose to that. Your goal seems to be to sort your rele out. Convincing strangers to align their input with your view of your rele is pointless for you and wasted energy.

 

I’m getting the impression no matter which way the dominoes are arranged you’re going to be at chalk and cheese the two of you.

 

It’s a shame you won’t at least try and talk about it with each other as even if you end it there will be something said, so why not spend a bit of energy beforehand in talk.

 

But, I think someone above decsribed it well... “incompatible”.

 

I think that’s the most simplistic way of looking at it. Whether you take stock for your part within a rele, good and the “could do differently”, is up to you. We all have to carve our own way and reap the results of our inputs.

 

The reason I came here to ask "strangers" is precisely because I'm trying to sort out what happened even before I have a conversation with him or decide anything.

 

I don't want to be angry at him or accuse him of this or that, I want to get my thoughts together first, and sometimes is good to ask the opinion of a "stranger" that is not emotionally involved with it.

 

For example, I have my best friend who I stopped talking to about relationship stuff because to her the guy is always to blame and the women are always poor victims.

 

I don't think it is like that, so I know if I go to her, she'll tell me something like "he's awful! break up immediately!", and I want other more centered advice.

[basil67]

I see it the other way around. People shouldn't outstay their welcomes and should ASK if they can stay longer, instead of just assuming they can stay, especially when they know the other person has work to do. He's not a child, is a grown-up man.

 

This is not about finding someone who can meet my needs. Is about being respectful.

 

As soon as you put the label "should" or "shouldn't" on someone's behaviour, you lose. People all have different ideas of what is reasonable behaviour. Getting on well in life, love, work and friendship involves flexible thinking and acceptance that we don't all do things the same way.

 

And this is about finding someone who can meet your needs. This guy can't do it, so you need to find someone else. It's that simple. Do you generally find it easy to get a boyfriend? If so, it shouldn't be hard to move on.

[darkmoon]

Ok I haven't thought about it that way. What you are saying is that maybe he felt so comfortable with me that he decided to stay because he felt it was ok? Ok that makes sense.

 

 

yes, he felt comfortable, so chatty now, just tell him you like to eat out, he in turn can tell you stuff sometimes

[kathsil]

As soon as you put the label "should" or "shouldn't" on someone's behaviour, you lose. People all have different ideas of what is reasonable behaviour. Getting on well in life, love, work and friendship involves flexible thinking and acceptance that we don't all do things the same way.

 

And this is about finding someone who can meet your needs. This guy can't do it, so you need to find someone else. It's that simple. Do you generally find it easy to get a boyfriend? If so, it shouldn't be hard to move on.

 

I find it easy to find a boyfriend, I just don't find it easy to maintain a relationship because I have high expectations that others cannot fulfill leaving me frustrated and thinking I'm with the wrong person and moving on.

 

I have been told many times I have to get my way and it's like I have a script of how things should be. I'm aware of that.

[Twizzlestick]

Ok I haven't thought about it that way. What you are saying is that maybe he felt so comfortable with me that he decided to stay because he felt it was ok? Ok that makes sense.

 

 

Folk, me too have been trying to say this throughout the thread . . It’s a loving act to some people. I never asked permission, it just happened organically. I think it’s a mark of a good thing when you’re no longer asking each other permission. Times when she was busy she just told me in a drama free way. It’s so low issue I can’t even remember what I said. There were times she stayed over and I thought “I could really use time on my own”. Didn’t bother me. We have to be tolerant.

 

Perhaps you’re both feeling this as you’re still a bit tense after a breakup? Just a thought. Maybe an air clearing is what’s needed.

 

Reading this thread does make me more convinced I’m better off buying a dog :D. It literally sounds a minefield .

 

I’m a decent guy but some of the inputs make it sound like as a man we’re applying for an unpaid job where the rules shift and success is to do with stars, tea leaves and polarities. I just care for people, look out for my mate, live with respect do my best and hope I get treated in kind (blokes are fairly simple in that regard)

[basil67]

Ok I haven't thought about it that way. What you are saying is that maybe he felt so comfortable with me that he decided to stay because he felt it was ok? Ok that makes sense.

 

Exactly. This is what it was like when I met my hubby. And I'm sure he would have politely given me the heave ho if he had something to do.

 

You mention wanting him to book a table. For the record, my husband isn't one for booking tables. We prefer a free form date, looking in windows and working out which restaurant to go to. There's more than one right way to do things. Also, if I want to go out rather than cook, I will advocate for it. If you want to make a relationship work, you need to be assertive. Not pushy, not dominant - just assertive about what you want.

[Twizzlestick]

I find it easy to find a boyfriend, I just don't find it easy to maintain a relationship because I have high expectations that others cannot fulfill

 

I have been told many times I have to get my way and it's like I have a script of how things should be. I'm aware of that.

 

 

You see, this comes back to the questions I suggested, of have you done self appraisal for your own input, what you bring, what you are like to go out with and what the other person expects of you and your mannerisms? The results affect no one else, only you and your partner. And clearly is affecting you by the results you are not achieving. Up to you, but at some point might be worth taking stock and working on things. We can always make improvements! Self learning and openness to change is a great trait (and highly atttactive actually in my opinion)

[basil67]

I find it easy to find a boyfriend, I just don't find it easy to maintain a relationship because I have high expectations that others cannot fulfill leaving me frustrated and thinking I'm with the wrong person and moving on.

 

I have been told many times I have to get my way and it's like I have a script of how things should be. I'm aware of that.

 

So you're obviously attractive and personable. But then they find that you're too high maintenance. Honestly, I worry that you will keep finding yourself in this situation if you continue as you are.

 

That's not to say that you should accept rubbish behaviour, but a bit of give and take along with communication is essential.

[zouz71]

It seems to me you got a beta male. A guy who needs you to contantly take the decisions, plans where to go to eat, book the table, cook the meal, etc.

 

There are many guys like that and many masculine women who love it.

 

You want a masculine guy because you're more in your feminine energy. So this guy is not abusive, but he's not a match to you. And you're feeling off because of that, you're lacking the polarity.

 

Agree with you suetopp, but nowadays an alfa male is considered closer to be abusive ,when an alfa male insist on things he is no longer seen positevely .

 

 

I was an alfa male , until i almost lost my marriage ,the problem is that some women like to have an alfa male the way they want , he should be leader , initiator , alfa only when they want , when he does it at his ease he is labeled aggressive.

 

I believe women in getting wjhat they want are smarter on the long term than us males, they can drive a male crazy ,eleveate his blood pressure , and get what they want .

 

rarely a woman can get a heart attack because of an argument , while we male species we get it

 

A smart woman can get from a normal male whatever she wants ...

 

but not vice versa:)

[basil67]

Out of curiosity, with regards to dating where did your ideas of how things should be come from?

[TooBad]

So, I break up with my girlfriend. We get back together, first night I stay. It feels good, and I want to give her the pleasure of having me around for the entire next day, so I stay. Instead of being happy and thinking it's sweet, she thinks I'm abusive.

 

 

I would drop you like a hot potato.

[SevenCity]

I find it easy to find a boyfriend, I just don't find it easy to maintain a relationship because I have high expectations that others cannot fulfill leaving me frustrated and thinking I'm with the wrong person and moving on.

 

I have been told many times I have to get my way and it's like I have a script of how things should be. I'm aware of that.

 

Expectations are disappointments in the making. Sounds like you want a guy to wine and dine you and give nothing in return.

 

Your behavior is conflicting as well - you expect a man to take charge and make reservations but are upset when he didn’t ask permission to stay longer. Think about it, you just got back together and he took the day off work to spend more time with you. What a jerk!

 

Your behavior is that of a spoiled brat. You’re probably good looking enough where people have put up with it but you won’t ever be happy this way. Instead of blaming every guy you date, realize you have a large role in this as well.

 

Also, covert communication doesn’t work well with men. We communicate overtly. You would have had much better results if you said “It would really mean a lot to me if you took me out to dinner.”

[zouz71]

I find it easy to find a boyfriend, I just don't find it easy to maintain a relationship because I have high expectations that others cannot fulfill leaving me frustrated and thinking I'm with the wrong person and moving on.

 

I have been told many times I have to get my way and it's like I have a script of how things should be. I'm aware of that.

 

if you want to be happy , you need not lower your expectation; rather you need to work on them , he might be incompatible with you but I see some contradiction in the way you are expecting things frankly ,

 

this relationship is an exam for you to learn how to express your needs;if you want to make it successful you need to sit with him and discuss few things .

[Twizzlestick]

Also, covert communication doesn’t work well with men. We communicate overtly. You would have had much better results if you said “It would really mean a lot to me if you took me out to dinner.”

 

This is something I’ve noticed. Some people communicate with tea leaves and tests. As if they could do no wrong or have no input themselves.

 

When it goes the way of the pear, they enter the rounds of moaning about men. You see it on online dating with the ridiculous “wish lists” and “do not want” lists. Men and women are adults. No use whining like children about “men don’t do this, men should do that” about it if you won’t ackowledge differences and adapt your methods. Otherwise you’ll end up single or yo yoing in and out of reles.

 

Quite when an adult thinks communicating effectively becomes about inferring and hinting I don’t know. I work as a pilot, if my colleague started inferring, hinting and testing me we’d have a serious safety risk. So why do grown adults think it sensible inside a grown relationship? It’s pride that’s all it is. My Father’s a vicar and just rolls his eyes at this. He says entitlement, ego and poor comms feature in a large amount of rele tankings.

 

 

Folk are becoming so entitled these days and all talking and demands, no ears or self adaption. A good rele is bonding together, not man serves Queen. It’s not an unpaid job you’re going for, it’s a mutual engagement. I always run a mile when you see those tinder posts written as a “job” posting. Mirth maybe, but I always wonder if it’s seated in the dynamic they expect.

 

As someone said above if I’d got back with a girl, spent the first night, stayed over only to get slobbered on the internet as an abuser I’d run a mile. I have my boundaries and standards too.

[zouz71]

Expectations are disappointments in the making. Sounds like you want a guy to wine and dine you and give nothing in return.

 

Your behavior is conflicting as well - you expect a man to take charge and make reservations but are upset when he didn’t ask permission to stay longer. Think about it, you just got back together and he took the day off work to spend more time with you. What a jerk!

 

Your behavior is that of a spoiled brat. You’re probably good looking enough where people have put up with it but you won’t ever be happy this way. Instead of blaming every guy you date, realize you have a large role in this as well.

 

Also, covert communication doesn’t work well with men. We communicate overtly. You would have had much better results if you said “It would really mean a lot to me if you took me out to dinner.”

 

 

That's the smart woman I am talking about !

 

OP , are you from middle east ?

because you look like my wife ,if I take a lead I am aggressive which turns her off , if I give her the lead she does nothing because she expects me to make the lead in everything , after twenty years , I discovered that I should take always the lead in anything but I have to read her minds to know what she wants before I proceed.

 

So basically I became a mind reader , but I never have the courage still to say I can read her mind !

[Cornputer]

OP, if you don't like something he does, say it. No reason to be mad at him because he can't read your mind. All those "hints" you're apparently giving are quite silly.

 

Neither can I see any abuse in his behaviour. All I can see is you snapping at people and acting defensive.

[d0nnivain]

He's not abusive. You have poor boundaries.

 

You say you want a BF who makes an effort but when this guy calls you & invites himself over, you agree to it, while secretly seething that he's not making an effort. When he said let's hang out at your place, that was your cue to say no, I'd prefer to do something out of the house. You failed to do that.

 

Then when he invites himself over you let him stay the night. Mistake # 2 on your part. Somewhere it there you could very easily have said, "It's getting late. I have a busy day tomorrow. It's time for you to go." But you didn't do that either. You let him stay.

 

The next morning when he decided not to go to work, you still could have said, "Enjoy your day. I have to work to do," and shown him the door. Instead you let him screw up your schedule.

 

We teach people how to treat us & you have taught him you have no backbone; you will let him walk all over you.

 

This is the reason you can't sustain a relationship. Develop some boundaries. Communicate your needs & stop always acquiescing to what somebody else wants. It's not about you having high expectations & not having them met. It's about your failure to communicate. If you don't speak up, it's your own fault that your needs aren't met. I am what I consider high maintenance. I have high standards -- I like luxury items, I love to travel, fine dining is my favorite, I enjoy formal black tie events. I make that clear from the outset. My husband claims I'm not high maintenance but clear & specific. I set my expectations, communicate them & go on providing those things for myself regardless of whether the man in my life steps up but if he doesn't, I jettison him. Instead you complain that you are not getting what you want but you do nothing to achieve your own goals. How is that anybody else's fault?

 

As an aside, stop casually throwing around the word "abuse." It diminishes the power of the word to describe genuine harm.

[zouz71]

Let me as you Op a question :

 

Does romance include in your definition a fancy dinner , a golden gift ?

 

be frank to yourself , define romantic needs in your own words

[kathsil]

I'm quite old-fashioned, I like the man to ask me out, plan the date, make a table reservation, pick me up, etc.

 

I like effort and I like masculine energy.

Edited May 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[kathsil]

He's not abusive. You have poor boundaries.

 

You say you want a BF who makes an effort but when this guy calls you & invites himself over, you agree to it, while secretly seething that he's not making an effort. When he said let's hang out at your place, that was your cue to say no, I'd prefer to do something out of the house. You failed to do that.

 

Then when he invites himself over you let him stay the night. Mistake # 2 on your part. Somewhere it there you could very easily have said, "It's getting late. I have a busy day tomorrow. It's time for you to go." But you didn't do that either. You let him stay.

 

The next morning when he decided not to go to work, you still could have said, "Enjoy your day. I have to work to do," and shown him the door. Instead you let him screw up your schedule.

 

We teach people how to treat us & you have taught him you have no backbone; you will let him walk all over you.

 

This is the reason you can't sustain a relationship. Develop some boundaries. Communicate your needs & stop always acquiescing to what somebody else wants. It's not about you having high expectations & not having them met. It's about your failure to communicate. If you don't speak up, it's your own fault that your needs aren't met. I am what I consider high maintenance. I have high standards -- I like luxury items, I love to travel, fine dining is my favorite, I enjoy formal black tie events. I make that clear from the outset. My husband claims I'm not high maintenance but clear & specific. I set my expectations, communicate them & go on providing those things for myself regardless of whether the man in my life steps up but if he doesn't, I jettison him. Instead you complain that you are not getting what you want but you do nothing to achieve your own goals. How is that anybody else's fault?

 

As an aside, stop casually throwing around the word "abuse." It diminishes the power of the word to describe genuine harm.

 

Well I wanted him to stay over the night, that was no big deal. So no it's not a case of me having poor boundaries. I wanted that too.

 

But, as I told him, I don't mind meeting at mine, but going out to have something to eat.

 

It seems he only heard the first part and not the last one...

 

Maybe he only did what he wanted at the end, which was coming over to mine and no more effort.

 

This just makes me feel like a booty call, know what I mean? Because if I have said no to meet at mine and meet somewhere else, then he would have to make the effort to take me out for dinner, but because I said yes to meet at mine, I guess he only thought "sex" and forgot all the rest.

 

In reality, I wanted both, the going out to have a nice meal, talk, etc, AND the sex part too.

 

And in truth I did communicate that to him, when I said "meet at mine and then go out to have something to eat", isn't this clear? I think I was very clear. Any true gentleman would pick me up at mine and take me out to dinner, and then yes we could come back to mine.

 

But he ignored the last bit.

[JuneL]

He's not abusive. You have poor boundaries.

 

You say you want a BF who makes an effort but when this guy calls you & invites himself over, you agree to it, while secretly seething that he's not making an effort. When he said let's hang out at your place, that was your cue to say no, I'd prefer to do something out of the house. You failed to do that.

 

Then when he invites himself over you let him stay the night. Mistake # 2 on your part. Somewhere it there you could very easily have said, "It's getting late. I have a busy day tomorrow. It's time for you to go." But you didn't do that either. You let him stay.

 

The next morning when he decided not to go to work, you still could have said, "Enjoy your day. I have to work to do," and shown him the door. Instead you let him screw up your schedule.

 

We teach people how to treat us & you have taught him you have no backbone; you will let him walk all over you.

 

This is the reason you can't sustain a relationship. Develop some boundaries. Communicate your needs & stop always acquiescing to what somebody else wants. It's not about you having high expectations & not having them met. It's about your failure to communicate. If you don't speak up, it's your own fault that your needs aren't met. I am what I consider high maintenance. I have high standards -- I like luxury items, I love to travel, fine dining is my favorite, I enjoy formal black tie events. I make that clear from the outset. My husband claims I'm not high maintenance but clear & specific. I set my expectations, communicate them & go on providing those things for myself regardless of whether the man in my life steps up but if he doesn't, I jettison him. Instead you complain that you are not getting what you want but you do nothing to achieve your own goals. How is that anybody else's fault?

 

As an aside, stop casually throwing around the word "abuse." It diminishes the power of the word to describe genuine harm.

 

I think this is the most balanced feedback. First, stopping throwing around the “abuse” word! I agree that you can done a much better job of communicating your needs (in a cute playful manner) and setting boundaries, but this guy does sound low effort to me. When he ignored your “going out to eat” part and asked if he should eat on his own first, you could have said something like “It looks like my bf should get his glasses checked...didn’t I just say it’d be nice to go out and grab something to eat together? ”

[Twizzlestick]

And in truth I did communicate that to him, when I said "meet at mine and then go out to have something to eat", isn't this clear?

 

Not really, on your first page you gave him the option

 

“So I told him to do as he prefers..

 

I'm such an idiot that I thought that my hint of "grabbing something to eat" would make him...”

 

But he ignored the last bit.

 

No he didn’t. You gave him a choice. He chose. You put a barely visible trip wire up as a test, he walked right through it.

 

You expect him to mind read you about dinner, whilst setting him up for a fall by giving him a choice, yet you don’t expect him to be a mind reader when it comes to staying over. In that case you expect him to explicitly ask permission.

 

 

This is games playing.

 

I’m sure you’d be really wound up if you thought boot was on the other foot and he was pulling these monkey tricks on you. You’d expect him to “be masculine energy” and direct with speaking his mind.

[stillafool]

First of all he didn't decide to just stay over at your house. He asked you if he could stay and you said okay. If you didn't want him to stay over you should have told him so. If you were hungry and wanted to go out to eat don't hint like a child, just tell him what you want. You expect this man to be a mind reader. I agree you guys aren't compatible and if you consider what he did as abuse you need to break up.

[JuneL]

And in truth I did communicate that to him, when I said "meet at mine and then go out to have something to eat", isn't this clear?

 

Not really, on your first page you gave him the option

 

“So I told him to do as he prefers..

 

I'm such an idiot that I thought that my hint of "grabbing something to eat" would make him...”

 

 

 

No he didn’t. You gave him a choice. He chose. You put a barely visible trip wire up as a test, he walked right through it.

 

You expect him to mind read you about dinner, whilst setting him up for a fall by giving him a choice, yet you don’t expect him to be a mind reader when it comes to staying over. In that case you expect him to explicitly ask permission.

 

 

This is games playing.

 

I’m sure you’d be really wound up if you thought boot was on the other foot and he was pulling these monkey tricks on you. You’d expect him to “be masculine energy” and direct with speaking his mind.

 

To be fair, that option was given only after the guy blatantly ignored her suggestion.

[kathsil]

And in truth I did communicate that to him, when I said "meet at mine and then go out to have something to eat", isn't this clear?

 

Not really, on your first page you gave him the option

 

“So I told him to do as he prefers..

 

I'm such an idiot that I thought that my hint of "grabbing something to eat" would make him...”

 

 

 

No he didn’t. You gave him a choice. He chose. You put a barely visible trip wire up as a test, he walked right through it.

 

You expect him to mind read you about dinner, whilst setting him up for a fall by giving him a choice, yet you don’t expect him to be a mind reader when it comes to staying over. In that case you expect him to explicitly ask permission.

 

 

This is games playing.

 

I’m sure you’d be really wound up if you thought boot was on the other foot and he was pulling these monkey tricks on you. You’d expect him to “be masculine energy” and direct with speaking his mind.

 

No that is not correct.

 

In the first instance, I told him I want to meet at mine and then go grab soemthing to eat. He IGNORED that and said something like "I can meet you earlier to have something to eat or I can go home, have something to eat myself and then meet you at yours. His message was very confusing to be honest and I realized he was ignoring my request and then I told him to do as he prefers, because at that point I gave up.

 

This would be very simple if he was being honest in asking me what I prefer to do in his first question.

 

- He asked me if I want to meet at mine or go elsewhere

- I said meet at mine and then go have something to eat

- He should have said: ok, meet your at yours at (insert time).

 

JUST THIS! Simple!

 

Instead, he ignored it and twisted things to have what HE wanted, because he never wanted to go out to eat in the first place and didn't like my suggestion.