Female friends and people watching in our partnership

[Dandelioness]

You should take the time to get sleep, rest and relax when your bf takes your child to see his parents instead of worrying about what they are talking about. They are more than likely wrapped up in enjoying your baby rather than talking about you.

 

I've already explained further about this in my thread somewhere.

[Dandelioness]

I just have one more thing to add about your man's staring at women problem. You have children with him. How is this going to play out when he can't take his eyes off your 14 year old daughter's friends body parts? Seriously. He needs to stop.

 

Ya, I've told him when he behaves like this in front of his girls, one day they will learn to understand. It will affect them and how they understand men's views on women.

[camillalev]

Some men will speak badly about a woman they're sexually interested in to their partner to throw them off their scent. Happens all the time.

[stillafool]

When it becomes an isolation issue is when he's mad at me for addressing a concern. He then takes our daughter (prior to the birth of our second child)to his parents place and stays there for half a day or so. There's a marked difference here and it's a form of punishment. It's one thing to step out because he's mad, upset, etc. It's another to take our child with him as he does so. It's also parental alienation.

 

You feel alienated from your child if she is gone half a day with her father? How would that work if you got a divorce?

 

 

He's also admitted to me about venting to his parents about our issues. They know there's "something" going on anytime he stays there for lengthy periods of time. I had to create a rule that anytime he's at his parents house, to stop texting me. And, if we're ever at odds with each other, don't go to their home. It's very disrespectful and keeps me out of the family circle. They have asked us if we argue via text. They can see he's pissed off about something when he behaves in this way.

 

You create rules he should follow when around his parents? I don't think that is fair and a bit controlling. Those are his parents so doesn't he have a right to their support when he's troubled? I don't believe in getting others involved in my marriage problems either but I would never forbid my husband from venting if he has to. If you want to be in the family circle when they asked you if you argue via text you should tell them the truth and your side of the story.

[Dandelioness]

Some men will speak badly about a woman they're sexually interested in to their partner to throw them off their scent. Happens all the time.

 

Yep. I agree 100% which was part of my point to him. If he doesn't have anything nice to say about her, then why be friends? (The answer is: because he's lying to me.)

[Dandelioness]

 

You feel alienated from your child if she is gone half a day with her father? How would that work if you got a divorce?

 

 

 

 

You create rules he should follow when around his parents? I don't think that is fair and a bit controlling. Those are his parents so doesn't he have a right to their support when he's troubled? I don't believe in getting others involved in my marriage problems either but I would never forbid my husband from venting if he has to. If you want to be in the family circle when they asked you if you argue via text you should tell them the truth and your side of the story.

 

I'm not "forbidding" him from venting. It's disrespectful to vent to his parents every time there's conflict between us. We're not seperated. If he's loyal to me, he shouldn't be doing this. Also, when he gaslights me, that's the same version he gives them. They are my neighbors. I see them almost every day. It creates a barrier between them and I and discomfort.

 

When they asked if we argue via text, I was honest. I said yes. They asked because he goes over to their home and continues to argue with me. It's pretty obvious by his body language that he's pissed off. Even if he's saying nothing to them in this scenario, I'm sure they would just rather not be involved. I'm not his wicked ex. I'm his life partner.

[Dandelioness]

 

You feel alienated from your child if she is gone half a day with her father? .

 

I'm talking about the function here. You're not understanding how this is a form of punishment when he's mad at me for something. It's usually because I've expressed a concern and he's either lying/hiding something or he's taken it as a personal attack. It's revenge. Not a "visit" to granny's house.

[amaysngrace]

Why are you even with him if he’s all these terrible things and treats you so horribly? I haven’t read one nice thing you say about him in all these pages here.

 

It makes no sense.

[Turning point]

Some men will speak badly about a woman they're sexually interested in ....

 

If I'm not into someone I don't speak badly about them, likely because I don't think to speak about them at all.

 

Good or bad, I would presume that anyone a person often speaks about is someone that remains foremost on their mind.

[shydad]

We've booked an appointment with a counselor. We're also looking into a more specialized counselor (ka-CHING)

This is great to hear! You're doing good. Please let us know if communication improves as a result.

[Dandelioness]

Why are you even with him if heÂ’s all these terrible things and treats you so horribly? I havenÂ’t read one nice thing you say about him in all these pages here.

 

It makes no sense.

 

These pages brought up two topics and I wanted to know if I was over-reacting. Guys check out women all the time. Is it that big of a deal? The ex-fling was from high school (25 years ago). I know he hasn't cheated on me with her so was it that big of a deal he connected with her?

 

If I'm overreacting then I need to sort that out on my end. We have 2 very young children together so I'm not going to sabotage my family over issues we can work through. I owe that to my kids (for all you who have questioned).

 

If the problem lies with him, then I owe it to my kids to give him an opportunity to sort it out on 'his' end - via communication, counseling, etc before throwing in the towel. Is that so horrible?

 

If the relationship deteriorates completely, I can say to myself I've given it my all .. so when my wounded children come crying, I'll know I've made the right decision. I can only do so much from my end.

 

You also missed my point. I've admitted to being very angry with him so naturally, under these circumstances, I'm not going to be posting a lot of positive things about him. If you scroll back though, I did mention a few things.

 

Try not to judge my actions for being with a person of choice, and instead comment on whether or not you feel I'm overreacting since it was a question I was asking.

 

Why come here? I wanted unbiased opinions from people outside of our circle. Thanks to everyone who gave me their thoughts.

[Dandelioness]

If I'm not into someone I don't speak badly about them, likely because I don't think to speak about them at all.

 

Good or bad, I would presume that anyone a person often speaks about is someone that remains foremost on their mind.

 

This is very true.. and I'm sure there are a dozen reasons why someone would remain foremost in our minds.

[amaysngrace]

Try not to judge my actions for being with a person of choice, and instead comment on whether or not you feel I'm overreacting since it was a question I was asking.

 

That sounds controlling. So maybe that’s just what you do with him too.

 

There’s enough here in these pages that would suggest that this is probably your doing. He can’t look at women in certain clothing, he can’t take your children to visit his family, he can’t talk to old friends or even have specific conversations , etc, because it all upsets you.

 

And you take away sex on top of everything else.

 

Maybe you just want people to agree with you that he’s the bad guy here because if it’s him then it couldn’t be you and you can just be the innocent victim in all this.

 

I’d asked if that last letter was sincere or if he promised to change to please you before. You totally ignored it. Could you please answer it now?

[stillafool]

 

I'm talking about the function here. You're not understanding how this is a form of punishment when he's mad at me for something. It's usually because I've expressed a concern and he's either lying/hiding something or he's taken it as a personal attack. It's revenge. Not a "visit" to granny's house.

 

Maybe he just wants to be away from you and enjoy time with his daughter. If it bothers you that he takes your daughter to visit her grandma don't let him take her. You cannot prevent him from communicating with his parents. He will always be their child and blood is thicker than water.

[amaysngrace]

It’s possible he takes the child to his parents on purpose to get her away from her mom being in a mood.

 

That can’t be healthy for a kid to be around.

[Crazelnut]

Sorry if you already went over this, but why aren't you having sex? I think that's a big issue in your relationship and you seem to gloss right over it.

[Orokotikki]

Just exactly what fidelity do you think he owes someone else's wife?

"Common law" relationships, only actually apply to people who aren't otherwise married.

And marriage more than a piece of paper, at a minimal and secular level it includes both parties agreeing to be held accountable and afford each other the rights that society affords for married couples.

[mark clemson]

These pages brought up two topics and I wanted to know if I was over-reacting. Guys check out women all the time. Is it that big of a deal?

 

 

To this specific point. Many men do this so normally it's not that big of a deal. And there's plenty of women who seem to enjoy dressing down to get the attention.

 

Blatantly doing this in front of your SO is not normal. It sends a message to the SO that is not positive (I'm thinking a lot about other women) or at the least is simply disrespectful as has been discussed.

 

However, you're in a currently sexless relationship. That is also not a normal situation for a couple. And there seem to be other issues as well.

 

It sounds to me like he's having a hard time dealing with the reality he's facing due to the medical issues etc. And it sounds like his strategies for attempting to deal with this are not helpful to the relationship. He doesn't sound clueless so I don't think its confusion or stupidity on his part, more maladaptive (possibly I'm being too generous here).

 

I'm not saying this is only his fault, as some other posters have alluded to. However, his actions are certainly part of the problem.

[Mr. Lucky]

Dandelioness, very few situations described in this forum are black and white. But yours sure seems to have more shades of gray than most. To wit -

 

- your partner's medical condition, not disclosed until you'd posted several threads

- you're still married to someone else and so..

- despite two kids together, you're not married to him

- his willingness to act out in ways that offend you

- your willingness to invoke nuclear options in the relationship

 

A little like the 9 blind men describing an elephant, most everyone here has different input based on the part of your situation they relate to.

 

So I'll just add this - if ever professional guidance was needed, it is in your relationship. Don't know what counseling options you've explored to this point, but there's a lot of knots waiting to be untied if you're to go forward together. Hope you find what you're looking for...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dandelioness]

That sounds controlling. So maybe thatÂ’s just what you do with him too.

 

ThereÂ’s enough here in these pages that would suggest that this is probably your doing. He canÂ’t look at women in certain clothing, he canÂ’t take your children to visit his family, he canÂ’t talk to old friends or even have specific conversations , etc, because it all upsets you.

 

And you take away sex on top of everything else.

 

Maybe you just want people to agree with you that heÂ’s the bad guy here because if itÂ’s him then it couldnÂ’t be you and you can just be the innocent victim in all this.

 

IÂ’d asked if that last letter was sincere or if he promised to change to please you before. You totally ignored it. Could you please answer it now?

 

Interesting perspective. Looking at women is not the issue. Tracking their privates in front of me is disrespectful. Point blank. The fact that he repositions himself when I'm in the way or if he wants to continue tracking through the window, is excessive. It's also quite telling where he's at with me.

 

I didn't take away sex. Circumstances did. As a side note, it's not only men who need and enjoy sex. And initially, it was he who turned me down until we opted to have children.

 

There's history here. I wrote about two scenarios because thry are the current situation I am struggling with.

 

He most certainly can and does take our children over to his parents.. almost daily. We don't argue every day or even weekly. I look at patterns of behaviours. When there's a sudden change there's a reason. So, in the case of him taking the child over for half a day, he only does this when I confront him on something he's either lying about or wanting to hide. It's common for liars to ceeate distance with the person they're lying to. Google it. There's a lot of information about that. When he's in this state, taking our child over has everything to do with him punishing me. I will say, this punishment has been addressed and he no longer does it. But is it ok to skip over to his parent's house to bitch about his partner because a red flag in behaviour has surfaced? It's gaslighting. His stories are fabricated and I can say so because he has admitted to some of them in the past.. yet he's already "vented". Does he go back to his parents and say, "Ya, I made up about X, Y, and Z because I didn't want her to know about (blank)." Of course not. He wants to maintain as a victim to everyone else because he doesn't want them to know what is really going on.

 

I didn't ignore you. I was hoping to hear more feedback about his email and so I waited. Has he promised to change before? Yes. He doesn't know why lying is a knee-jerk reaction - and not just with me, either. When he threatens to leave as a tactic to scare, I call him on it. Then if he fears I will leave him instead, he sends me these emails full of empty poetry.

 

His behaviours is why I'm wondering if there's a personality disorder somewhere or if maybe his brain lesions are contributing to something. I don't know.

 

Honestly, I find 'he's' the controlling one. I can't express my feelings without a strong reaction. He gossips to people to keep me as an outsider to his circle. He drowns me out if he doesn't like what I have to say. He competes. He's very insecure and these insecurities arw projected against me. We've talked about this as well and how damaging it is to a relationship.

 

How is one's sex life not going to be affected here? There are issues here. I am trying to look at them from a different lense. I am not against looking at myself which was the whole point to my post.

[Dandelioness]

 

However, you're in a currently sexless relationship. That is also not a normal situation for a couple. And there seem to be other issues as well.

 

It sounds to me like he's having a hard time dealing with the reality he's facing due to the medical issues etc. And it sounds like his strategies for attempting to deal with this are not helpful to the relationship. He doesn't sound clueless so I don't think its confusion or stupidity on his part, more maladaptive (possibly I'm being too generous here).

m.

 

You're right. It's not normal to be in a sexless relationship. I will say pregnancy was part of that reason for me. Plus we were both working multiple jobs and are also exhausted. But, emotionally speaking, I have expressed to him that these issues we have DOES affect our sex life.. as it would to many. He doesn't acknowledge that.

[Dandelioness]

Dandelioness, very few situations described in this forum are black and white. But yours sure seems to have more shades of gray than most. To wit -

 

- your partner's medical condition, not disclosed until you'd posted several threads

- you're still married to someone else and so..

- despite two kids together, you're not married to him

- his willingness to act out in ways that offend you

- your willingness to invoke nuclear options in the relationship

 

A little like the 9 blind men describing an elephant, most everyone here has different input based on the part of your situation they relate to.

 

So I'll just add this - if ever professional guidance was needed, it is in your relationship. Don't know what counseling options you've explored to this point, but there's a lot of knots waiting to be untied if you're to go forward together. Hope you find what you're looking for...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

When I originally posted, it didn't occur to me that his medical condition may or may not be connected with my two concerns. Is it relevant? Maybe..

 

Ive been legally separated for many years. My ex, too, has moved on and has a child now. My partner and I have been in a 5-year common-law relationship.

 

Invoke nuclear options? You've lost me.

[Dandelioness]

Just exactly what fidelity do you think he owes someone else's wife?

"Common law" relationships, only actually apply to people who aren't otherwise married.

And marriage more than a piece of paper, at a minimal and secular level it includes both parties agreeing to be held accountable and afford each other the rights that society affords for married couples.

 

Maybe I'm misunderstanding you. But marriage is not the only circumstance where accountability is at play. Any union between a couple ought to be. If one is in a long term relationship and not cohabiting, does that give them flexibility to be dishonest?

[amaysngrace]

I didn't take away sex. Circumstances did.

 

Honestly, I find 'he's' the controlling one. I can't express my feelings without a strong reaction.

 

How is he the controlling one when you’re having a problem with nearly everything he does? The opposite of controlling is contentment. Google it if you don’t believe me.

 

I don’t see you owning your part in anything. Everything he does is met with distrust by you. Friendships, visiting with his family, etc, is all an act against you somehow.

 

You say his friend was pleasant and friendly in a non-flirtatious manner and you even found a problem with that!

 

And probably grilled him to the max about her then got mad when he said enough and took off to his parents.

 

You have children and you’re old enough to not be acting this way. You can’t control him, you can only control yourself. I’d start there.

[Mr. Lucky]

Invoke nuclear options? You've lost me.

 

I couldn't put it any better than this:

 

I don’t see you owning your part in anything. Everything he does is met with distrust by you. Friendships, visiting with his family, etc, is all an act against you somehow.

 

I don't recall one admission in your multiple threads you might have somehow contributed to the disconnect in your relationship. You've made it all his fault, real life is rarely that simple...

 

Mr. Lucky