I don't know how to get out of this gigantic hole I've dug myself

[Wallysbears]

How do I change my desired means of approaching women? You guys keep recommending that i meet somebody through friends and I'm telling you, I meet people constantly and nobody knows any single, quality dateable women for me. You guys make it seem like I'm not trying. I try to meet new people constantly.

 

I go to clubs, parties, bars, concerts, sports events, festivals, vacations 12 times a year to all sorts of beautiful places

 

What else is left for me to do?

 

Btw I'm 30 and have never had a girlfriend. I've slept with maybe 12 women but none of them were anywhere near dating material (way too old, had kids, not cute, not in shape). I'm done sleeping with anybody who is not dateable. I want a wife/girlfriend

 

The only answer to that question belongs to you.

 

I don't know who you are or what you look like. I've never known a 30 year old, decent looking, nice guy to have NEVER had a girlfriend. Even my most socially awkward guy friends/coworkers that I've known have had girlfriends.

 

So either you are overestimating your "dating value" and have standards that are too high for where you fall on the "dating scale" or you have something about you that just is a turn off to women.

 

You speak poorly of women that don't meet your desired criteria. Well...I'm going to guess that you don't meet the criteria of the women that YOU want to date.

 

That's life.

 

You can change yourself or you can change what your goals are. Dating, much like life, isn't guaranteed to be "fair". Just because you think you want or deserve a hot, athletic, 18-32 year old who has the perfect little body (in your mind) and ticks ALL the boxes you want...doesn't mean that type of woman will EVER be attracted to you.

 

You can go on being snobbish about who you want to date, or you can go out on dates and maybe meet someone awesome.

 

You're superficial.

[Wallysbears]

Those women have a million guys gnawing for them through social circle and work and online dating

 

 

I get a lot of femake attention but they're never anything decent. The decent women are light years away

 

or you are too shallow to recognize the decent women when you meet/see them because they don't check off your superficial boxes.

 

If you are all that....handsome, smart, charismatic, nice...you wouldn't be perpetually single.

 

So either your standards are too high for where you are on the dating food chain...or you have something broken that you refuse to fix. Which one is it?

[Tearsdontfall7]

Brother, you need to first change your attitude and grow some humility. If you were all you are saying you are cracked up to be, you would have a woman interested in you. Even if you're a 7 in looks, if you make up for it with charisma, a sense of humor, and listening skills, that equals a 10.

 

Here's some random tips.

 

Learn to small talk.

 

Learn to smile genuinely. Watch yourself laughing at a funny memory that always cracks you up. That genuine happiness is a look you should practice and make your norm.

 

Be non-threatening/non-creepy. (Continue) dressing well. Always have on nice shoes!

Memorize some lame jokes that you can tell on the fly. Watch some stand up comedy routines and steal some from the masters.

 

IF you can bring ANYTHING of value to a woman, be it humor, a genuine compliment or curiosity, interesting conversation, etc, don't be afraid to approach. if you've got nothing, you will not succeed. BUT, if you can provide just a modicum of value, you can and should approach with that in mind.

 

Hang out at the bars. Actually choose one that has your preferred clientele and make it your home. You don't have to get drunk. This is by far the easiest way to meet someone as they're looking for the same, or at least some companionship. Don't go with your buddies. Go by yourself. Trust me on this one. Park yourself and talk to people. Anyone. About anything.

 

I am 42, balding with a graying beard, live in a crap townhome and have two kids I have 50 percent of the time. I am in good shape and am tall and I make great money (though I only see 1/2 of it). I control what I can control.

 

I have been divorced for almost 3 years and during that time have dated women I would consider 8's and above. None had kids, which actually I would have preferred that they did, because most of them broke up with me because they couldn't spend enough time with me. I need a woman with kids of her own because they'd "get it."

 

The first 6 months I sat on my couch in pathetic wondering why none of the facebook likes or the right swipes were working out, none of the hanging out with buddies at the bar getting trashed, none of the staring at women wishing they'd give me a "signal" was working. I finally came up with the reason by looking at it from the hot woman's perspective. What value would she be getting from a loser like me??? Why in the world would, with all the choices they have online and in real life, would she settle for me?

 

This ain't the movies. You must be a valuable use of their time. No one's going to see you as some "diamond in the rough great guy." You are too hung up on what these women will do for you over what you can do for them. Change your approach.

 

Just my opinion and I could be wrong. I am no online dating coach, just a guy who has had success with women by changing his own approach.

 

I agree with most of what you're saying but even if you do a very good job, you're genuine and likable and make women feel comfortable, the process to convert a random approach to dating is very very difficult.

 

I'm not the only one here. I'm telling you I've gone out with all sorts of very good looking, very athletic, successful, likable, smart, awesome guys who got nothing from approaching women either. My best friend is 5'11, very muscular, very handsome, worth 10 million bucks minimum and he never got anything from approaching women. He has a cute girlfriend he met through his company

 

Where the hell are you going to approach women? Obviously online dating is going to be impossible for you as it is for me. Are you meeting them at bars? Are you converting bar approaches to dates? What's your secret?

 

I went out Saturday with my other boy Derek who looks like he could be a movie star and we approached 8 or 9 women and got nothing from it. He is massively likable. One of the most likable people i know.

[Tearsdontfall7]

or you are too shallow to recognize the decent women when you meet/see them because they don't check off your superficial boxes.

 

If you are all that....handsome, smart, charismatic, nice...you wouldn't be perpetually single.

 

So either your standards are too high for where you are on the dating food chain...or you have something broken that you refuse to fix. Which one is it?

 

 

Did you read the original post?

 

I had tons and tons and tons of chances between 18 to 26 that I destroyed due to horrible confidence

 

I fixed that but now i don't get any natural opportunities anymore. Its so frustrating.

[rightondude]

I agree with most of what you're saying but even if you do a very good job, you're genuine and likable and make women feel comfortable, the process to convert a random approach to dating is very very difficult.

 

If you are TRULY genuine, likable and make a woman feel comfortable, the process is not very hard at all. My friend I think you just think you are all of these things, but the women aren't buying what you are selling....yet.

 

I'm not the only one here. I'm telling you I've gone out with all sorts of very good looking, very athletic, successful, likable, smart, awesome guys who got nothing from approaching women either. My best friend is 5'11, very muscular, very handsome, worth 10 million bucks minimum and he never got anything from approaching women. He has a cute girlfriend he met through his company

 

starting a company to meet women isn't the worst idea I've ever heard!

 

Where the hell are you going to approach women? Obviously online dating is going to be impossible for you as it is for me. Are you meeting them at bars? Are you converting bar approaches to dates? What's your secret?

 

The majority have in fact been from online. What is in your bio and are you sure your pictures don't suck? Which service are you using? I've had the most luck with Bumble. I was passing through the Chicago area a few weeks ago and had like 20 likes (I pay the premium so I can see who likes me). Now only 1-2 I would say were 5's are higher, but still...that's pretty good results for an airport layover. Note, I didn't actually meet any of these women. Just saying if they're willing to go for an old schlub like me...well...you're doing something wrong or at least different. The last two women I have gone out with I met from eating at a nice restaurant's bar. I'd definitely recommend that!

 

I went out Saturday with my other boy Derek who looks like he could be a movie star and we approached 8 or 9 women and got nothing from it. He is massively likable. One of the most likable people i know.

 

What are you saying to these women? What is your approach? Is it a club or just a sit down conversation type bar?

[basil67]

I've already maximized every aspect of my appearance - face, body, fashion sense as much as I possibly can. I dress extremely nice, I'm in great shape and my grooming and skincare is about as good as possible without going into that homosexual territory- i still make sure I look very masculine

 

Perhaps it's just me, but I would not go for a guy who presents as you describe. I prefer someone who has a casual look - mainly because I believe styling reflects personality. When I look at a person (male or female) who's highly groomed, my immediate reaction is "high maintenance"

[Larry56]

Most of the women are gonna be butthurt if you talk about weight on this forum but we getcha. Tell them that they are shallow if they won't go out with Danny Devito and they will laugh in your face but that's chick-logic for you.

 

I think you fall into the category of 'waiting for the right moment' with a girl.

 

Attraction isn't a slow process like you think it is with women.

Some women will want to jump you on the first day they meet you and some won't. What you need to look for is a woman who clearly has a physical attraction to you if you're confidence is not high in socializing department.

 

I suspect you need to start looking at a woman's body language even before you say something to a woman. A woman's body language is the key to finding out if they are interested in you. You gotta watch the eyes. Look and see if there is a reaction just when you're in proximity to the lady.

 

If there is no reaction then she's either involved or she needs mental stimulation through a conversation which may or may not yield any results.

 

I regularly run into married women that give me that 'melting look' when they see me and talk to me but it never happens to a younger woman (20 - 25) unless I actually make an effort to talk to them.

 

Hope this helps

[Tearsdontfall7]

If you are TRULY genuine, likable and make a woman feel comfortable, the process is not very hard at all. My friend I think you just think you are all of these things, but the women aren't buying what you are selling....yet.

 

Yes it is. Cold approaches where you meet a woman once, talk to her for 20 minutes and ask her out are very very VERY difficult

 

I make friends everywhere I go because of how likable and genuine i am. I am same way around women. I can get the number but they always flake.

 

 

starting a company to meet women isn't the worst idea I've ever heard!

 

He owns 2 salons. Practically all the girls who work for him are trainwrecks - single moms, tattooed chicks, smokers, druggies, all sorts of nonsense

 

 

 

The majority have in fact been from online. What is in your bio and are you sure your pictures don't suck? Which service are you using? I've had the most luck with Bumble. I was passing through the Chicago area a few weeks ago and had like 20 matches. Now only 1-2 I would say were 5's are higher, but still...that's pretty good results for an airport layover. Note, I didn't actually meet any of these women. Just saying if they're willing to go for an old schlub like me...well...you're doing something wrong or at least different. The last two women I have gone out with I met from eating at a nice restaurant's bar. I'd definitely recommend that!

 

 

I tried online dating and got zero matches but im not interested in anything over 30 or below 6-7/10

 

Are you having luck approaching women in bars and stores?

[basil67]

I'm very easy going

 

'Easy going' is not how you're presenting here. You come across as uncompromising and entitled. The bit about how you "should" be able to get a girl nearly made me choke. Nobody is entitled to a partner - not you and not me.

[Tearsdontfall7]

Perhaps it's just me, but I would not go for a guy who presents as you describe. I prefer someone who has a casual look - mainly because I believe styling reflects personality. When I look at a person (male or female) who's highly groomed, my immediate reaction is "high maintenance"

 

 

I'm very well groomed but i make sure not to go into that gay/high maintenance territory

 

I still look very masculine

[basil67]

I'm very well groomed but i make sure not to go into that gay/high maintenance territory

 

I still look very masculine

 

Very well groomed gives off high maintenance vibes. And even very masculine looking men can appear high maintenance.

[rightondude]

Yes it is. Cold approaches where you meet a woman once, talk to her for 20 minutes and ask her out are very very VERY difficult

 

I make friends everywhere I go because of how likable and genuine i am. I am same way around women. I can get the number but they always flake.

 

Wait, so you are getting the numbers or not? You said earlier you and your buddy struck out with 9 women, so which is it? If something is happening AFTER you get the numbers then something's going wrong with the follow up, not the meeting.

[rightondude]

I tried online dating and got zero matches but im not interested in anything over 30 or below 6-7/10

 

then you are doing something wrong there also. Post your picture or use a site like PhotoFeeler to get some feedback. post your bio if you want help. There's plenty of 9-10's on OLD and yes they get tons of interest, but most men are apparently idiots, because I get conversations and dates. Apparently all other guys do is ask for nudes or one night stands.

 

Are you having luck approaching women in bars and stores?

 

Bars, yes. Stores, no. I admire guys who can pick up women in stores but that hasn't happened for me quite yet.

[Tearsdontfall7]

Most of the women are gonna be butthurt if you talk about weight on this forum but we getcha. Tell them that they are shallow if they won't go out with Danny Devito and they will laugh in your face but that's chick-logic for you.

 

I think you fall into the category of 'waiting for the right moment' with a girl.

 

Attraction isn't a slow process like you think it is with women.

Some women will want to jump you on the first day they meet you and some won't. What you need to look for is a woman who clearly has a physical attraction to you if you're confidence is not high in socializing department.

 

I suspect you need to start looking at a woman's body language even before you say something to a woman. A woman's body language is the key to finding out if they are interested in you. You gotta watch the eyes. Look and see if there is a reaction just when you're in proximity to the lady.

 

If there is no reaction then she's either involved or she needs mental stimulation through a conversation which may or may not yield any results.

 

I regularly run into married women that give me that 'melting look' when they see me and talk to me but it never happens to a younger woman (20 - 25) unless I actually make an effort to talk to them.

 

Hope this helps

 

 

I don't get any signs of interest or good body language from anybody I would even consider dating

 

Today I had this old client start texting me and she is a cutie and 25 but she's got a kid. I can't date a single mom

[basil67]

I don't get any signs of interest or good body language from anybody I would even consider dating

 

Today I had this old client start texting me and she is a cutie and 25 but she's got a kid. I can't date a single mom

 

So it's all going back to you being uncompromising again. Mate, this is still no different to me trying to buy boots.

[preraph]

He is uncompromising, really almost to the point of fetish, but now, a kid is a pretty big thing. It affects every aspect of a relationship adversely unless you are just a person who loves kids like I love dogs, any kid, any dog. Not too many nonparents are like that.

[JuneL]

He is uncompromising, really almost to the point of fetish, but now, a kid is a pretty big thing. It affects every aspect of a relationship adversely unless you are just a person who loves kids like I love dogs, any kid, any dog. Not too many nonparents are like that.

 

Yeah, to be fair, I wouldn’t want to date a divorced dad when I was a few years younger.

[basil67]

He has every right to reject all the women he sees for each of the reasons. But don't come crying to me about being single.

[preraph]

Yeah, to be fair, I wouldn’t want to date a divorced dad when I was a few years younger.

 

Yeah, I didn't either -- or an ex of mine either.

[Tearsdontfall7]

So it's all going back to you being uncompromising again. Mate, this is still no different to me trying to buy boots.

 

I'm from eastern Europe. We don't ever have kids out of wedlock or get divorced really

 

My whole family would be ashamed of me dating a girl with kids

[Tearsdontfall7]

He has every right to reject all the women he sees for each of the reasons. But don't come crying to me about being single.

 

 

I had another client who is a cutie who really likes me but she's Muslim and that's a huge no no for me

[preraph]

^ Well, there's all kinds of Muslims. Still, likely to be cultural differences, true enough.

[JuneL]

“The other day, a guy showed interest in me. He is okay in the looks department and makes a pretty good living considering the geographic area he lives in. He has a college degree, though nothing like an Ivy league one (and he doesn’t have an advanced degree). But his family sounds too conservative for me. On top of that, he’s a car dealer, something my family wouldn’t be proud of.”

[Tearsdontfall7]

“The other day, a guy showed interest in me. He is okay in the looks department and makes a pretty good living considering the geographic area he lives in. He has a college degree, though nothing like an Ivy league one (and he doesn’t have an advanced degree). But his family sounds too conservative for me. On top of that, he’s a car dealer, something my family wouldn’t be proud of.”

 

 

I never said every girl on world should love me

 

I want just one and just one is very very difficult