Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[Rotaglia]

How old are your kids?

As stated in the original post, our children are 21 and 12.

[Rotaglia]

My mother-in-law loves me unconditionally. I love my wife unconditionally. Why can’t my wife love me unconditionally?

[standtall]

My mother-in-law loves me unconditionally. I love my wife unconditionally. Why can’t my wife love me unconditionally?

 

Unknown....

 

I speculate she doesn't because she can get away with it. You're the giver and she is the taker in the relationship, and the only person that can change her narcissism and abandonment of the marriage is herself. I bet when she gets served she will half ass work on the marriage, but it will be to late. Please don't fall for it, because it will just drag out the inevitable longer and give her the upper hand later.

 

BTW, the stealth mode tactic you are employing is very good....when you don't have the power at the moment, you delay. Good move.

[Rotaglia]

My wife’s family has always been wonderful to me and for that I am grateful.

[Rotaglia]

The male sexual reflex can really get in the way sometimes. I’ve decided to rule out sex with my wife indefinitely, but sleeping in the same bed and not being able to interact sexually is so hard but I don't want to leave the master bedroom. Maybe she should.

 

Sex abnegating, non-communicative, divorce-contemplating wives should not be welcome in the marital bed.

[giotto]

sleeping in the same bed and not being able to interact sexually is so hard but I don't want to leave the master bedroom. Maybe she should.

 

I did that for some time... it's a torture. At the end, I moved out of the bedroom. I did tell my wife that sleeping next to her with no physical contact was driving me mad... she said I could snuggle up, but no more... well, tell that to my penis...

[elaine567]

You're the giver and she is the taker in the relationship, .

 

Really???

She is the full time, main bread winner, she is also the person who cooks and cleans and is a fantastic mother...

He is a part-time musician who stayed at home, earns little and spent his time wandering about in his underwear... now pyjamas and a robe...

[giotto]

Really???

She is the full time, main bread winner, she is also the person who cooks and cleans and is a fantastic mother...

He is a part-time musician who stayed at home, earns little and spent his time wandering about in his underwear... now pyjamas and a robe...

 

I think he meant from an emotional point of you...

[standtall]

Really???

She is the full time, main bread winner, she is also the person who cooks and cleans and is a fantastic mother...

He is a part-time musician who stayed at home, earns little and spent his time wandering about in his underwear... now pyjamas and a robe...

 

What giotta said ^^^^^^.

 

I'm the bread winner, clean, share cooking, coached many of my kids sports teams, and am what I presume a good father. My wife is a SAHM of 23 yrs who is a great mother, shares cooking, cleans, and gets up at 11 and does what she wants. Guess what?? I'm the taker and she is the giver, and I adore her. Go figure.

 

OP, keep going with the stealth mode. You will end up on top as mid 50s, narcissistic, don't like sex, carrying baggage women are a dime a dozen, and artsy, emotional, considerate, mid 40s musician men are pretty rare. Good luck brother.

[elaine567]

I think he meant from an emotional point of you...

 

 

Is that true though?

Seems to me, the only sticking point is the sex.

They are able to talk about anything, she gives him hugs kisses and cuddles and tells him she loves him, but when it comes to sex it is a no go and she then accuses him of "browbeating" her about it...

 

It is not about who is giving and who is taking.

The marriage works on so many levels.

This is about sex, pure and simple.

She doesn't want to do it any more and he is desperate for it.

An impasse.

[Timshel]

This is about sex, pure and simple.

She doesn't want to do it any more and he is desperate for it.

An impasse.

 

 

This is all well and good except according to OP, she has not/apparently refuses to discuss this with her spouse of 22 years. It can't possibly be only about sex if communication between the two is so abysmal.

 

 

What loving wife withholds sex and simultaneously refuses to discuss?

Edited March 14, 2019 by Timshel
sentence structure

[giotto]

Is that true though?

Seems to me, the only sticking point is the sex.

They are able to talk about anything, she gives him hugs kisses and cuddles and tells him she loves him, but when it comes to sex it is a no go and she then accuses him of "browbeating" her about it...

 

It is not about who is giving and who is taking.

The marriage works on so many levels.

This is about sex, pure and simple.

She doesn't want to do it any more and he is desperate for it.

An impasse.

 

It might be just about sex, but men see sex as an emotional vehicle too. Personally, I cannot separate sex and the love for my wife. Without sex, you take away a big component in the marriage, at least for me. I find it difficult to connect. You become just friends, roommates, two people parenting. I'm experimenting it now. After 14 months of no sex, the connection is gone. I'm detaching and I see my wife as a friend. The marriage is over.

 

BTW, I meant to write "an emotional point of view". Sorry about that.

[giotto]

 

What loving wife withholds sex and simultaneously refuses to discuss?

 

 

My wife...

[Mr. Lucky]

This is about sex, pure and simple.

 

And if you were held underwater while everything else in your life was going great, it would be about oxygen, pure and simple.

 

I get that you don't share the OP's - and almost all other men's - need for sexual expression as a core value.

 

But that doesn't make it any less real to him and others in the same situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bathtub-row]

Yet, again, women underestimating the importance of sex in a marriage. This is what causes them to end up in divorce court - and shocked by it. Never ceases to amaze me.

[Timshel]

That's not it though Bathtub-row, OP's wife is 56, successful career, two kids and married/living with this man for 22 years. It isn't that she 'doesn't know.'

 

That she starts crying when he brings it up is .

Women her age know about peri menopause and menopause, or plain old I'm tired.

 

 

There is a possibility that OP's wife has made attempts to discuss and OP did not listen until she said go.somewhere.else in exasperation. We only have half of a whole story here.

 

 

 

That said, the crying and lack of compromise instead of mature discussion with her husband who she claims in all other ways she 'loves so much,' seems disingenuous at best.

[mark clemson]

It might be just about sex, but men see sex as an emotional vehicle too. Personally, I cannot separate sex and the love for my wife. Without sex, you take away a big component in the marriage, at least for me. I find it difficult to connect.

 

 

Agreeing as well, sex and emotion very often go hand in hand. For both men and women if in different ways. OP seems to at least be trying to show love for his wife, so it's only fair to give credit for that. And she may be showing love back in some ways, but not in for what is for him and many men the way that counts most.

[Rotaglia]

After 22 years, my wife doesn't get to silently dump me as her boyfriend and expect to retain me as her husband. She preceded it and followed it with no discussion or opportunity for me to respond with kindness, love, concern, and understanding, claiming later that she was afraid of my reaction (What am I, some sort of wife-beater? No.) as if my reaction would improve over time. If she was trying to serve the marriage through this behavior, she failed in that duty. If she was unconsciously trying to foster divorce, she unfortunately excelled—a collossal betrayal of her own values, never mind mine or ours.

 

Her good intentions are largely beside the point, for it is the foolish and cruel actions she chose to undertake that jeopardized our marriage.

Edited March 14, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Rotaglia]

Would it have killed her to say, “I know sex is important to you. I'm having difficulty with it. Can we please discuss this? I know it's painful and I'm sorry.”

[Rotaglia]

“I love you” is not a get-out-of-jail-free card.

[Rotaglia]

This thread is not a debate over the merits of a sexless marriage. Our marriage waa not one. She doesn't get to convert the marriage from sex life to sex death without de minimus my advice and consent.

[vla1120]

This thread is not a debate over the merits of a sexless marriage. Our marriage waa not one. She doesn't get to convert the marriage from sex life to sex death without de minimus my advice and consent.

 

Earlier in the thread, you posted the quote "I am the one thing in life I can control" and I agree with that wholeheartedly. There have been other threads that dealt with marital problems where the wife was the main breadwinner. Many people suggested that women don't like that and start to look down on it. Having been the main breadwinner since I was in my early 20's, I don't understand that. I would never look down on my husband if he were taking care of the house and children. But apparently, some women do have a problem with it for whatever reason. I do not know if your wife is one of those women.

 

Therefore, maybe your best next step would be to venture out and find something for yourself outside of the house. I'm sure you have marketable skills. Your youngest must be in school all day by now. Maybe getting out of the house daily will even give you a new outlook, and maybe it will be what your wife needs to jump start her wifely feelings for you again (if she's one of those women, that is.)

 

It's worth a try.....

 

I edited this to add - I'm 58 years old. Like I said, I've been the main breadwinner since I was in my early 20's. I'm now separated from my second husband (long convoluted story) and I DO find myself feeling like I'm TIRED of taking care of everyone else, now. I've been doing it for about 38 years. In that respect, I can see where a woman might get tired of being the one who always carries the lion's share of the load in life.

 

....and yes. I realize I just contradicted myself in that post (that's a post-menopausal woman, for you...)

Edited March 14, 2019 by vla1120

[elaine567]

And if you were held underwater while everything else in your life was going great, it would be about oxygen, pure and simple.

I get that you don't share the OP's - and almost all other men's - need for sexual expression as a core value.

 

I get it, I have not spent years on this forum being told that almost daily for nothing, but many other women do not "get it".

 

I guess, to his wife, the OP is being stupid and childish, and he needs to let it go. It is hardly worth discussing in her mind, as she is not going to be persuaded to restart the sex, whatever he does.

She doesn't want to do it, full stop, it is not open for discussion. She may have been providing "duty sex" for years... before she came to her final decision.

To some women sex is for young people, not grandparents... she is probably relieved she is old enough to not have to do it any more. The pressure is off... Menopause for some women can be a joy as far as sex is concerned, as they are justified in turning it off; it may not be seen as a curse.

 

To her the marriage and their kids and their love and life together is important, not sex.

"22 years! and a stupid thing like sex is seen by him as important enough to divorce over - you must be kidding..."

 

^^^ That is the attitude and many men will just accept it too...

[Timshel]

It's the lack of communication, compromise, trust, respect, honesty. It isn't that their marriage is nothing without sex. If it is everything else after 22 years, then discussing not having sex is nothing.

[Rotaglia]

Rotaglia, what MAY help you will be to very strongly become a man worth having. I'm not saying you aren't now

Actually, Mark—nothing personal but that’s exactly what you did imply.