Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[bathtub-row]

Bathtub row is correct the marriage vows do not mention sex.

 

And even if they did, they were 22 years ago and the wife is now 56 yo.

Is 22 years of regular sex not enough "honouring of the vows"?

Does she have no say in what happens to her ageing body ?

Is she not allowed to say enough is enough at some point?

 

I get the whole relationship/love/sex thing between two people, but vows do not include sex for a very good reason.

 

I agree. I think the real argument here is his wife’s lack of respect for her husband by refusing to talk to him about it.

[elaine567]

I agree. I think the real argument here is his wife’s lack of respect for her husband by refusing to talk to him about it.

 

She is no doubt conflict avoidant, but how does any woman tell her husband, "Sorry, the sex is over... forever"

[BettyDraper]

You did read my post where I indicated I had recognized the wisdom of ending that habit and had decided to start wearing more dignified clothing like pajamas and bathrobes ... right?

In fact, I bought myself two sets of pajamas and a bathrobe today to wear in the evenings after dinner (I wear regular clothes during the day).

 

Pajamas and bathrobes are not “dignified clothing”.

They are for sleep or sickness. Do you have any jeans or chinos you can wear?

 

Even though you and your wife may have mutually agreed upon you being a SAHD, she may still resent being the breadwinner in your marriage. Being a musician is typically not profitable so it isn’t viewed as a career. Your wife may resent being the “mom” in your relationship, because she has to earn income while you get to play at life by being a musician who doesn’t even get dressed.

 

It’s hard for women to feel sexually attracted to men they don’t respect.

[Mr. Lucky]

She is no doubt conflict avoidant, but how does any woman tell her husband, "Sorry, the sex is over... forever"

 

By refusing to have sex with him for now 18 months?

 

She's spoken loudly and clearly, the OP just doesn't want to listen...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Rotaglia]

Pajamas and bathrobes are not “dignified clothing”.

They are for sleep or sickness. Do you have any jeans or chinos you can wear?

A quick clarification: I wear conventional clothes during the day. The robes and pajamas are for lounging around between dinnertime and bed and maybe for a short while on weekend mornings. That’s why they call it “loungewear,” okay? I think enough has been said on that subtopic.

[Rotaglia]

It’s bad enough that she stopped having sex with me, stopped wanting to have sex with me, and stopped caring about the fact that she no longer wanted to—but that she presumed it was okay to decline to raise that issue at any point whatsoever in the past eighteen months, which suggests she is not interested and was not interested in real marital relationship repair or perhaps she is concealing a possible affair and/or wants a divorce and won’t own up to it. And yet, when confronted about any or all of that, she has the temerity to cry (for what purpose, to elicit sympathy??? Or dismay at having been exposed as a fraudulent wife???) and protest she doesn’t have the “bandwidth” to discuss it. The nerve!

 

Why do I feel like she wrecked our marriage through a series of spectacularly bad decisions yet it is I who feels like I’m apologizing and trying to win back her favor when she should be beseeching me for forgiveness if she even deigned to seek it.

 

Whatever the case, it’s a relationship trainwreck and although I am heartbroken and truly thought I was an exemplary husband but ... in the end, none of that matters if she had or is having an affair and/or simply doesn’t want me BUT she wants to retain the stability and comfort of an intact marriage.

 

My wife handed me an enormous crap sandwich and expects me to eat it.

Edited March 13, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Rotaglia]

It’s true, she has shown you with her actions (or inaction) that she isn’t participating with you.

 

People may not always tell you with words - actions tell more.

 

But why haven’t you looked into what’s she really is doing? It certainly looks like she may be in an affair...

Even if I was motivated to investigate my wife for a possible affair, what would be the likely effect of proving it? It may depend on the state, but adultery does not the same legal impact in divorce proceedings that it once did. Would uncovering an affair make me feel better about my wife’s abandonment of me? What it shame her, and if so, to what end?

[Rotaglia]

To my astonishment, if my wife is capable of lies of omission of these magnitudes, then she is clearly capable of carrying on an affair, which utterly horrifies me. Been cuckolded never feels great, but the idea that she would possibly lie on that scale causes me to question her good character for which I have always vouched.

[BettyDraper]

It’s bad enough that she stopped having sex with me, stopped wanting to have sex with me, and stopped caring about the fact that she no longer wanted to—but that she presumed it was okay to decline to raise that issue at any point whatsoever in the past eighteen months, which suggests she is not interested and was not interested in real marital relationship repair or perhaps she is concealing a possible affair and/or wants a divorce and won’t own up to it. And yet, when confronted about any or all of that, she has the temerity to cry (for what purpose, to elicit sympathy??? Or dismay at having been exposed as a fraudulent wife???) and protest she doesn’t have the “bandwidth” to discuss it. The nerve!

 

Why do I feel like she wrecked our marriage through a series of spectacularly bad decisions yet it is I who feels like I’m apologizing and trying to win back her favor when she should be beseeching me for forgiveness if she even deigned to seek it.

 

Whatever the case, it’s a relationship trainwreck and although I am heartbroken and truly thought I was an exemplary husband but ... in the end, none of that matters if she had or is having an affair and/or simply doesn’t want me BUT she wants to retain the stability and comfort of an intact marriage.

 

My wife handed me an enormous crap sandwich and expects me to eat it.

 

You have actively chosen to eat the crap sandwich for 18 months.

It makes sense to be angry at your wife but you cannot blame her for your decision to tolerate her behaviours.

 

Stop looking for your wife’s approval and start taking care of yourself. Be pleasant yet distant as you focus on parenting as well as your appearance and a social life. Do not chase your wife for sex anymore.

[BettyDraper]

To my astonishment, if my wife is capable of lies of omission of these magnitudes, then she is clearly capable of carrying on an affair, which utterly horrifies me. Been cuckolded never feels great, but the idea that she would possibly lie on that scale causes me to question her good character for which I have always vouched.

 

Find out if your wife is actually having an affair before you start treating her like she has been unfaithful.

[Rotaglia]

Find out if your wife is actually having an affair before you start treating her like she has been unfaithful.

I won’t. I’m simply stating that she has already acted with faithlessness to the marriage and her behavior raises suspicion that an affair may have happened or is ongoing. Honestly I don’t actually believe she has ever had one.

 

However, what she has done feels a lot like an affair without another party, if you catch my drift.

[Rotaglia]

It is true: I have to stop pursuing my wife for sex and affection even though I am honestly emotionally famished.

[Rotaglia]

Sleeping next to my wife is so weird. Apparently it feels perfectly fine to her. She may even like it. I want to (on the “lizard brain” level) cuddle her, kiss her, touch her but none of those things are advisable under these circumstances and sex is definitely a no-go for either of us (though Heaven knows my soul is crying out for exactly that). I’m married to the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and I lie beside her feeling like garbage.

 

I am sad but thankfully not depressed. My mental health is not optimal but I am functioning acceptably. Writing posts to LoveShack is therapeutic. I made an appointment with a therapist two weeks hence.

 

I cannot move out until legally advised to do so, however.

 

She would probably like to go on a date with me. I would love to but I have to maintain a certain cautious aloofness.

Edited March 13, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Rotaglia]

I must unfortunately conclude that my wife has treated me and our marriage with contempt and with disdain. Her behavior has been utterly deplorable.

 

My wife works impossibly hard. I appreciate how much she puts into her demanding, high-profile job that supports our family, puts food in our mouths and clothes on our backs. I have told her so.

Edited March 13, 2019 by Rotaglia

[bathtub-row]

First of all, I think you’re making too much of her outward beauty when her inner beauty leaves a lot to be desired. Also, I would suggest that you cease masturbating in bed next to her, if you haven’t done so already. There’s just something really distasteful about that, on so many levels. Do it in the shower, in bed when she’s gone, etc. Not with her around.

Edited March 13, 2019 by bathtub-row

[Rotaglia]

First of all, I think you’re making too much of her outward beauty when her inner beauty leaves a lot to be desired. Also, I would suggest that you cease masturbating in bed next to her, if you haven’t done so already. There’s just something really distasteful about that, on so many levels. Do it in the shower, in bed when she’s gone, etc. Not with her around.

You’re right. It’s just sort of icky now. The things I’ve been reduced to. I stopped doing that a few weeks ago.

[Rotaglia]

She knows that you earning less than her = she may owe you spousal support. How many years have you been married?

23 years this spring. I dread our anniversary, the unbearably cold and empty “I love yous”—the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.

[Rotaglia]

An affair seems like a logical possibility but I have as yet discovered no evidence.

[Rotaglia]

Have any of her behaviors, looks and patterns at work changed in the last two years... or 18 months?

 

Any new grooming habits?

She has been spending more time at work over that interval but I always assumed that was fully legit.

[Rotaglia]

Leaving our home, diving custody of our child, absorbing a major income and asset downgrade are all really unpleasant prospects. I may have to file for divorce anyway but I hate the ancillary effects on my life and my child’s life.

 

Who gets the dog?

This is just so utterly dreadful.

[Rotaglia]

I seldom show up at her office except if there’s a party or something. Me showing up there to investigate a suspected affair would arouse suspicion. Her employees like me but I am sure they would protect their boss (whom they love).

[bathtub-row]

You don’t show up at her office. Hire a PI. You need to do that to have answers.

 

As far as your anniversary is concerned, I’d ignore it.

[Rotaglia]

Bathtub row is correct the marriage vows do not mention sex.

 

And even if they did, they were 22 years ago and the wife is now 56 yo.

Is 22 years of regular sex not enough "honouring of the vows"?

Does she have no say in what happens to her ageing body ?

Is she not allowed to say enough is enough at some point?

 

I get the whole relationship/love/sex thing between two people, but vows do not include sex for a very good reason.

If you read the thread carefully, you will note the following:

1. I never so much as mentioned our vows, much less the vows as something that obligates my wife to have sex;
   
2. Sex is always voluntary;
   
3. OTOH, if one seeks to completely and unilaterally cease having sex, it is more than merely impolite to not discuss it with one's partner (which my wife failed to do);
   
4. She knows that while news like that would upset me, I would respond with love and understanding—which I did in fact do after she made the “you should find another woman who will give you the love, sex, and affection you deserve” remark.
   

I know it's a long thread, but critical posts aimed at OP are unfair when they reflect a poor grasp of what’s been said.

[mark clemson]

It’s bad enough that she stopped having sex with me, stopped wanting to have sex with me, and stopped caring about the fact that she no longer wanted to—but that she presumed it was okay to decline to raise that issue at any point whatsoever in the past eighteen months, which suggests she is not interested and was not interested in real marital relationship repair or perhaps she is concealing a possible affair and/or wants a divorce and won’t own up to it. And yet, when confronted about any or all of that, she has the temerity to cry (for what purpose, to elicit sympathy??? Or dismay at having been exposed as a fraudulent wife???) and protest she doesn’t have the “bandwidth” to discuss it. The nerve!

 

 

It's not a good sign. I'd interpret that as her knowing that bad things, such as the distress of a divorce, are coming down the line. Possibly some sympathy for you. Pity for herself. Possibly guilt as she must realize at some level that she's not doing right by you.

 

Your presence in her life is, for better or worse, part of her identity. The known and comfortable. She senses that she may lose this. It causes distress.

 

The exact reasons are something you are working on. An affair is certainly one possibility. Another is that maybe she just feels done.

[giotto]

It's not a good sign. I'd interpret that as her knowing that bad things, such as the distress of a divorce, are coming down the line. Possibly some sympathy for you. Pity for herself. Possibly guilt as she must realize at some level that she's not doing right by you.

 

Your presence in her life is, for better or worse, part of her identity. The known and comfortable. She senses that she may lose this. It causes distress.

 

The exact reasons are something you are working on. An affair is certainly one possibility. Another is that maybe she just feels done.

 

Yes, all of that... but I doubt she is having an affair. She must be feeling guilty to a certain extent, but not enough not to put her well-being first... I'm convinced she thinks he must have got the message by now. 18 months is an awful long time.