Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

March 12, 2019

But but... you threaten divorce and she gives you sex because she doesn't want to lose the status quo, she gives you sex to keep you there... pity sex, because this is what it will be... is that really what you want?

March 12, 2019

But but... you threaten divorce and she gives you sex because she doesn't want to lose the status quo, she gives you sex to keep you there... pity sex, because this is what it will be... is that really what you want?

Pity sex? Absolutely not. Beneath my dignity.

Well ... maybe once or twice.

(Just kidding.)

March 12, 2019

Hi Rotaglia, none of all this fulminating is going to change a thing in your life. You say you have a lot to be thankful for in your life plus the fact that you love your wife(irrespective of whether she fulfils your sexual needs or not) then the best thing in the circumstances is to hunker down and stop complaining. You are not prepared to divorce your wife because divorce is not an aphrodisiac so that puts paid to any proactive options that you may have up your sleeve. Complaining to folks on this forum has'nt got you anything because you are not prepared to heed any of their advice. You can go on venting and folks will offer up the same advice couched in different language but you will still be marking time at the same spot.

There is a saying which states that if you do not change anything nothing will change. So it is with you. Think about it. Best wishes.

Edited March 12, 2019 by Just a Guy

March 12, 2019

Pity sex? Absolutely not. Beneath my dignity.
Well ... maybe once or twice.
(Just kidding.)

Can I just ask you one thing? Why have waited 18 months to start doing something about all this? One year and a half of no sex is an awful long time...

March 12, 2019

Hi Rotaglia, none of all this fulminating is going to change a thing in your life. You say you have a lot to be thankful for in your life plus the fact that you love your wife(irrespective of whether she fulfils your sexual needs or not) then the best thing in the circumstances is to hunker down and stop complaining. You are not prepared to divorce your wife because divorce is not an aphrodisiac so that puts paid to any proactive options that you may have up your sleeve. Complaining to folks on this forum has'nt got you anything because you are not prepared to heed any of their advice. You can go on venting and folks will offer up the same advice couched in different language but you will still be marking time at the same spot.

There is a saying which states that if you do not change anything nothing will change. So it is with you. Think about it. Best wishes.

You criticize my complaining by ... complaining about it. How fascinating. Your glass house has thin walls, my friend.

Anyway, my rejoinder to you aside, you are correct that change is necessary and more important than talking/reading/talking about it; however, this forum helps me by testing ideas and by allowing me to process my feelings. If you have a problem with that then—you have a problem with that, but it is not my problem.

March 12, 2019

Can I just ask you one thing? Why have waited 18 months to start doing something about all this? [/qUOTE]

My guess is that "something" happened 18 months ago, that excused/justified the shutting down of the sex.
Once that crisis or crises passed, he slowly realised that sex was not temporarily "off the table" it was gone for good and it wasn't coming back...

March 12, 2019

My guess is that "something" happened 18 months ago, that excused/justified the shutting down of the sex.
Once that crisis or crises passed, he slowly realised that sex was not temporarily "off the table" it was gone for good and it wasn't coming back...

Still puzzling... I was ill for 4 months, so my wife slept in the spare room... fair enough, I would have done the same. When I felt better, I asked her to come back, but she immediately stated that she was taking sex off the table. The time on her own helped her realised that she didn't want it anymore. I'm waiting for the last one to leave the nest in September and then we will have the final discussion. My expectations are zero and we will probably separate. Anyway, I don't really want to be with a woman who unilaterally decides we are done and then pretends nothing has happened... it's been 14 months of no sex... not long to go.

March 12, 2019

Can I just ask you one thing? Why have waited 18 months to start doing something about all this? One year and a half of no sex is an awful long time...

A fair question. At first I assumed it was simply a normal dip in the frequency of sex typical of long-married couples. As time went on, I didn't want her to feel bad about it (and honestly I am much more comfortable having frank, explicit in-person conversations about sex than my wife is) so I dropped hints, took her out for dates, tried to do the things to put her in the mood and to set the stage as had typically worked well in the past. Nada—it didn't owork.

By the time I finally glanced at the calendar (figuratively speaking), almost a year had gone by when I approached my wife in the living room, tenderly stroked her feet, and after a while said, “Honey, I couldn't help but notice that we haven’t had sex in nearly a year. What on earth is going on?” She hardly replied but muttered something about wanting to improve things. I conveyed that I loved her and that sex is important for the relationship but she should feel free to discuss her feelings and/or problems with me and that I am here for her. She was done talking at that point.

A few months later, I raised the topic again and she tearfully told me that I should leave her for another woman so I could get the love, sex, and affection I deserve. I almost died on the spot; I was flabbergasted, gobsmacked. I hugged her and said, “Honey, I am not going anywhere. We have a problem here, sure—but let’s seek a solution together, okay? I love you and you are more important to me than sex. I would like us to have sex again when it is right for both parties.”

Unfortunately, nothing changed. She couldn't even take my suggsstion of small sexual gifts to one another (e.g., me performing oral sex on her, her stroking my penis, etc.). I suggested books, therapy, etc. but no takers. I finally got her to agree that I could masturbate in bed next to her—which to me is subsistence sex devoid of interpersonal connection.

I think perhapa one thing I could do is tell my wife that I will continue to regard her as my romantic partner but she needs to understand that this does not constitute acceptance—neither explicit nor implicit—of the sexlessness of the relationship and that I expect to take concrete steps toward rectifying it: read The Sex Starved Marriage, see a therapist, take more time for herself and for ua. I want her to demonstrate that she recognizes this major relationship roadblock and is putting effort into addressing it.

March 12, 2019

The sexual bond between my wife and I has been ruptured by her unilateral breakoff of sexual activity and by the cruel silence that followed. Her poor judgment in not acknowledging to me that it had happened and why was extremely damaging to the trust between us. As horrified as this makes me feel, I think my wife was unconsciously using this as an escape hatch from the marriage that would push me away so that I would leave her and make myself the proverbial bad guy because she would not own her feelings or actions. I am dismayed by her thoughtlessness toward me and her appalling marital behavior.

March 12, 2019

she tearfully told me that I should leave her for another woman so I could get the love, sex, and affection I deserve.

This is your answer. My wife told me exactly the same thing. She really doesn't want to be with you, at least sexually, and she is prepared to sacrifice her marriage - your marriage - for this. It's a massive statement of intent. I'm afraid you are at the point of no return.

March 12, 2019

My guess is that "something" happened 18 months ago, that excused/justified the shutting down of the sex.

My wife does not owe me sex. Sex is always voluntary; however, whereas sex is a function of a healthy relationship, her failure to see her obligation to acknowledge that irregularity and provide her perspective on why that was happening is at issue.

Any number of things would have been helpful for her to say: “Honey, I think it’s so sweet that you have been wanting to make love to me and you have probably noticed that I have not been responding in kind. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, but I have been having issues with sex lately. It has nothing to do with you personally (or, alternatively, ‘there are some problems between us that are disrupting our sexual circuitry that we need to address’). I love you and you are handsome and sexy. Let’s work on this together, okay?”

But no-o-o-o! Instead, day-after-everloving day, she made a conscious, deliberate, hurtful choice to remain silent, to say absolutely bupkes, zilch, nada. She denied me the opportunity to respond compassionately and lovingly to her. Later she said she was “afraid of my reaction”—say what?!?! How can yo hold a man accountable for a response I haven't even had yet to a problem she neglected to raise—what arrogance, what chutzpah is that?

March 12, 2019

So here’s a knowingly absurd question I am pondering: If all other aspects of our relationship were fine but she had her vagina, breasts, and anus removed for some reason like cancer and that rendered her physically unable to have sex, would I stay with her? I think the answer is yes.

It is not the absence of sex itself that is the dealbreaker—it is her conduct and statements attendant to that issue that really threaten the marriage.

March 12, 2019

Near the end, I told my first husband if he wanted sex, he was free to find it elsewhere (considering he had already done this multiple times before.) I was hoping he would leave. I know your situation is different, but I really had resigned myself to only staying together “for the children.” I was the main breadwinner in a very stressful job and I was actually just exhausted and had no interest in being intimate with my husband (but even that was probably just an excuse for me to not want to be intimate with a man I knew had been intimate with my neighbor.)

I know my reasons were probably different than your wife’s, but when you mentioned she had told you to find it somewhere else, it made me wonder exactly why she thinks you would be entitled to, or would even consider going outside the marriage. Based on what you have said, I believe her definition of the marriage has changed. She may want to stay with you for the companionship, but the passion is gone for her.

Edited March 12, 2019 by vla1120

March 12, 2019

It is not the absence of sex itself that is the dealbreaker—it is her conduct and statements attendant to that issue that really threaten the marriage.

That’s exactly what I wrote earlier. It’s her lack of desire to talk about it and deal with it in a fair manner that’s so wrong and disrespectful to you.

I don’t typically jump on the affair bandwagon but I think you do need to consider the possibility that she’s cheating on you. If my spouse rejected me for that length of time with no explanation, I’d hire a PI.

March 12, 2019

The sexual bond between my wife and I has been ruptured by her unilateral breakoff of sexual activity and by the cruel silence that followed. Her poor judgment in not acknowledging to me that it had happened and why was extremely damaging to the trust between us. As horrified as this makes me feel, I think my wife was unconsciously using this as an escape hatch from the marriage that would push me away so that I would leave her and make myself the proverbial bad guy because she would not own her feelings or actions. I am dismayed by her thoughtlessness toward me and her appalling marital behavior.

Maybe it is just not as dramatic and contrived as you assume.

I guess in the 4 months she spent in the spare room she felt great peace and contentment and got loads of sleep. She did not have to provide you with sex and she liked it.

Once you got better she didn't want the sex to resume, but couldn't really tell you that, so she avoided confrontation.

Once you pressed her for answers, you found out she would rather you leave than for her to resume the sex with you.

She doesn't WANT to be pressurised into giving "small sexual gifts" and I am sure she is mightily impressed by you wanking off beside her in bed... I am sure that went down like a lead balloon.

You have stuck around despite the lack of sex, so it is a win win for her. I guess she is not desperate to break up the marriage but she is also not willing to compromise on the sex.

I highly doubt after 18 months of no sex, she will do a U-turn here.

IMO you have little option but to choose the sexless marriage or go seek your fortunes elsewhere... ie divorce.

Edited March 12, 2019 by elaine567

March 12, 2019

How the do I implement my unconditional love for my wife in this situation? I am in a total quandary. I need to let go of my pain and my anger over her neglect but it is so raw right now. Can I forgive someone who does not properly seek my forgiveness and has not altered her behavior? Lack of sex is aw***, but lack of respect, kindness, openness, and tenderness is intolerable while she also harbors ambivalence and thoughts of divorce while continuing to stonewall.

March 12, 2019

Maybe it is just not as dramatic and contrived as you assume.
I guess in the 4 months she spent in the spare room she felt great peace and contentment and got loads of sleep. She did not have to provide you with sex and she liked it.
Once you got better she didn't want the sex to resume, but couldn't really tell you that, so she avoided confrontation.
Once you pressed her for answers, you found out she would rather you leave than for her to resume the sex with you.
She doesn't WANT to be pressurised into giving "small sexual gifts" and I am sure she is mightily impressed by you wanking off beside her in bed... I am sure that went down like a lead balloon.

You have stuck around despite the lack of sex, so it is a win win for her. I guess she is not desperate to break up the marriage but she is also not willing to compromise on the sex.
I highly doubt after 18 months of no sex, she will do a U-turn here.
IMO you have little option but to choose the sexless marriage or go seek your fortunes elsewhere... ie divorce.

It wasn't Rotaglia's wife in the spare room, but my wife. She did tell me she didn't want sex and also why (blamed me being angry 10 years before)... but the substance doesn't really change. She is waiting for him to say he's had enough and that he is leaving... she is not giving up what she's got. She wants him to pack his bags...

March 12, 2019

It wasn't Rotaglia's wife in the spare room, but my wife. She did tell me she didn't want sex and also why (blamed me being angry 10 years before)... but the substance doesn't really change. She is waiting for him to say he's had enough and that he is leaving... she is not giving up what she's got. She wants him to pack his bags...

Sorry got a bit mixed up with the similar stories, but the result is essentially the same.

March 12, 2019

She doesn’t want to look like the bad guy. But she is making it look like the marriage is miserable and doomed.

Conflict avoidant? Maybe.

She wants to be able to blame anyone but herself... but her actions (rather inactions) are what caused it.

You need to start treating her like the mean person she really is.

Stop with all the niceness!

Totally agree... how can you stay with someone who treats you like that? She is not even prepared to talk about it... at least I got my reasons... they were BS, but at least she gave them to me...

March 12, 2019

I have a feeling it may be pretty difficul0t for a woman to tell her spouse that "Sorry sex is off the menu", so I am not really surprised that many will just "phase it out" without much discussion. The spouse figures it out, stops asking and a new stage of the marriage is entered.

Often for some men in sexless marriages, leaving the marriage is not really considered an option, as a) sex vs the marriage is no contest, marriage wins every time or b)they know finding another partner is probably going to be hard, so better a sexless marriage than no marriage at all or c) they will be so broke post divorce they will put up with almost anything to stay married..

Yes, many divorced men find love again, but some are lonely and single in apartments, drowning sorrows... it is not a decision to be taken lightly.

March 12, 2019

If she didn’t wish to honor her vows she could have at the VERY least allowed him to understand with a simple conversation that she changed the rules.

While I fully disagree with how his wife is handing this, I have to wonder if agreeing to have sex is actually a part of the vows. While it’s understood that married people will have sex, when is that ever actually stated in wedding vows?

March 12, 2019

I am hearing a lot of different answers here, most of which are quite sound. I will not set out to harm the woman I love. It is not my task to cause her to suffer and I will not break my daughter’s heart to slake my thirst for some perverse sort of lex talionis. Can I forswear my vengeance? Yes, I need to think about life apart from a woman who hurt me. But I am profoundly disappointed in her, not hateful. I am heartbroken. My faith in this relationship has been sorely tested.

No way I'm leaving until and unless I am good and ready.

March 12, 2019

While I fully disagree with how his wife is handing this, I have to wonder if agreeing to have sex is actually a part of the vows. While it’s understood that married people will have sex, when is that ever actually stated in wedding vows?

I'd put it this way: Since were having sex before we were married (and boy do I miss that! It made me feel special to her.), nothing in our ketubah (Jewish wedding contract) says we were henceforth to cease having sex.

We never explicitly discussed a “sex policy” before we got married, but then most people rely on commonly held assumptions.

Edited March 12, 2019 by Rotaglia

March 12, 2019

Wife

No more sex, period.

Me

What do you mean, ”No more sex”? It's in your wedding vows, for crying out loud!

Wife

Shoot. You’re right.

Okay, saddle up. Let's do this!

March 12, 2019

Bathtub row is correct the marriage vows do not mention sex.

And even if they did, they were 22 years ago and the wife is now 56 yo.

Is 22 years of regular sex not enough "honouring of the vows"?

Does she have no say in what happens to her ageing body ?

Is she not allowed to say enough is enough at some point?

I get the whole relationship/love/sex thing between two people, but vows do not include sex for a very good reason.

Sign In

Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

Recommended Posts

giotto

Rotaglia

Just a Guy

giotto

Rotaglia

elaine567

giotto

Rotaglia

Rotaglia

giotto

Rotaglia

Rotaglia

vla1120

bathtub-row

elaine567

Rotaglia

giotto

elaine567

giotto

elaine567

bathtub-row

Rotaglia

Rotaglia

Rotaglia

elaine567

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...