I think my girlfriend has an avoidant attachment

[Cersei]

Relationships are not always a walk in the park but this woman is draining to me as a reader!

 

She must really mean a lot to you because I think you are tolerating a lot more than most people would.

[Trail Blazer]

I tend to agree. I also think you make a lot of assumptions, when overthinking everything, and frankly... your assumptions in this situation were all wrong... focusing on lack of sex, loss of physical attraction, and deciding that she had an avoidant attachment style. I’m not saying she shouldn’t have been more direct and communicated her concerns... I’m just saying, be careful when you make assumptions. Like this one...

 

I've never brought up my suspicions of her attachment style, or many other ideas I've discussed on here. Asking advice on LS and acting on it is very different. Some of the advice I've gotten from LS has been great. In some cases, my assumptions as you call them have been alleviated through my involvement on LS. Now, if there had been better communicstion from the outset, I wouldn't have assumed nearly as much as I have, all caused by severe frustration at being stonewalled.

[Trail Blazer]

You aren’t as good at communication as you think you are.

 

 

 

Do you have ANY idea how patronizing and condescending this is? And you know what...I realize I am probably coming across the same way...but I’m talking to some guy on a forum who is asking for advice. Not somebody I supposedly love and want to have a serious relationship with. And this same issue has come up several times in your various posts.

Just because someone doesn't like what's being said, doesn't mean the person saying it isn't an effective communicator. Look at the bigger picture. If she'd attampted to communicate earlier, I wouldn't have been so frustrated. Care to tell me your view on her communication as well, or are you just going to zero in on one thing I said that you thought wasn't very nice?

[Trail Blazer]

Relationships are not always a walk in the park but this woman is draining to me as a reader!

 

She must really mean a lot to you because I think you are tolerating a lot more than most people would.

 

I guess she does. But I won't hang around forever. I want to be certain that if I do walk, I've left nothing in the tank trying to make it work.

[TheFinalWord]

Good luck man, I can tell you've really tried your best.

 

Here is the entire key to whether this will work or not:

 

"She told me that she was extremely concerned, but that she felt I was someone who exuded confidence and capability and trusted me that I had a handle on my situation."

 

I think you are in her frame at the moment. That is not where you want to be for long because her being in your frame, is more important to her, than any rational arguments you try to make.

 

I can tell you, sitting down and trying to reason with a woman does not really work. Everything she’s told you is about her emotions. The way her ex treated her, putting herself first, your confidence…nothing about logic and reason. You would do better to demonstrate you are in command of your life, even in the areas with your ex, so she can feel the emotional buzz of your confidence, rather than trying to use reason.

 

She sounds wishy washy, but that's because you've put her in charge. Don't let her decide if it ends. You must decide whether you want to put her back in your frame, or not. If you don't, she will never feel safe and secure. She will never open up and the truth is she may not be able to articulate why. Most women can't. I know it has to be really frustrating to live in the shadow of her ex. You aren’t him, but she is going to constantly compare you to him and any other weak men in her past. She basically told you, she can't lead your life or the relationship. She wants you to do that. The fact she's taking so much time is her basically giving you a massive $hit test, practically begging you to take charge like you did at the beginning. Her ex made her lead the relationship, and it drained her. Women don't wan to lead. It’s important to remember, at one time, she was probably just as in love with that guy as she was with you. Women with a lot of emotional baggage tend to be unable to separate one man from the other, especially when they see your confidence eroding. They see them all as trying to get one over on her. That's their interpretation. All it really is, is the man is putting her in charge and she doesn't want to be in charge.

 

It sounds like it takes her times to process her emotions and when it comes to you and her, she hasn’t processed that completely yet. Too much pushing for a decision and she’ll get stressed because she doesn't want to lead or make those decisions. Your best bet is to put her in your frame and don't pressure her to lead. I know its hard to go backwards, but if this relationship is solid, you’ll make it. She's giving you more chances than most, so she must really like you.

Edited March 20, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Tamfana]

She has communicated with you and she said that you need to sort out your own problems with your children and your divorce. You and only you can repair your relationship with your children. If you can't do it without her, you are saying *you* can't do it on your own.

 

Most women who are single parents (as your GF is) assess potential partners in part on how they parent their own children. Parents need to be confident that a potential partner would be a good step-parent. Your ensuring that you are assuming regular parenting responsibilities and a normal parenting relationship with your own kids, as your GF has with her's, appears to be the prerequisite for your GF- which is 100% normal.

 

Finalizing the divorce is absolutely not going to repair your relationship with your children, as you believe. That you think it will might be frustrating her too, that you think the paperwork will fix the relationships. It takes time and dedication so put your focus and energy there. And stop the criticism of her. You have plenty to address yourself.

[elaine567]

Truth is you jumped into things far too fast.

13 years married and two kids were "forgotten" in an instant as you frolicked for hours with the new "love of your life"... only 2-3 months after you left.

You filled the empty slot with the first hot woman you could find....

Next would be a new house, a new baby and an idyllic blended family with your ex conveniently disappearing into the ether...

 

Then reality struck.

 

I guess you need literally years to get your house in order, and as V has been there before with her ex, I guess she doesn't really want to volunteer to be the support act to your ongoing mess.

She has enough baggage of her own to process, she doesn't really need to take on any more...

You need to forget her for your sake and hers.

Work hard on the relationship with your ex and your kids, so that the next woman finds a man who may be divorced, but has his life managed so his ex and kids are not a thorn in his side, but a happy and stable part of his life.

[elaine567]

She must really mean a lot to you because I think you are tolerating a lot more than most people would.

 

Maybe, but I guess he also doesn't want to admit "defeat" in front of friends and family, his ex and his kids...

He went out on a limb, moving on so fast.

It is then not easy to admit to a mistake.

[Wallysbears]

I think she was politely trying to tell you to get your **** in order with your ex and kids. You aren't even fully divorced yet - and you're wanting a new house, new family, etc. That's not stable. That's not rational. That's just insane.

 

Slow down. Fix your stuff. Give this woman some space and stop badgering her with all these long drawn out conversations. It is exhausting to read them, I can't imagine having to be her going through them...especially at night when I finally got my kid to bed and just want some peace.

[chillii]

l'll say one thing , all this taking charge and confidence bs is one thing to type on a keyboard in this situation, but l tell ya , for a dad trying to be a dad like this with an ex going stupid and controlling the roost with his own kids is a whole nother very REAL , situation, and the scariest effg tightrope a man will ever live, and his kids are at stake here.

You have no idea what the ex is doing ,telling your own children ,men she has around them ,you can't risk fireworks with her for two reasons,one, you don't want your kids being around that , about them ,they already go through the biggest thing of their young lives in this watching their family be destroyed and seeing all the ugly crap no child should ever have to see,losing touch with their own father, watching their own mother do god knows what.But two , if she carries on and it all gets ugly and ends up in court and the kids used as chess pieces, it quad ripples it all for them and him. Can't even talk about some of the real life things l've seen in this stuff.

Just sayin, it's one very real very huge thing to remember in all this with the op and often something women never get , because they usually end up with the kids and control so can't even imagine what it's like.

Personally l think too much mollycoddling of the gf in this if she's not in your corner for whatever her own reasons, we've all been through shyt or hell and back with someone. for someone, bla bla bla, your going through divorce,losing your family, your kids are losing their dad, then personally l don't think she;s got what it takes.

Fixing things with your kids with or without her is your absolute number one right now.

Been through it all, 8yrs now, and there's no way known l was putting up with some weak garbage from any woman with my own kids on the line.

All l'm saying is not really about the relationship issues whatever they are , but if she can't a bit of support and understanding then she'd be no one l'd be interested in..lt's a two way street goes both ways, you help each other through whatever our stuff.

Edited March 21, 2019 by chillii

[goldengirl11]

Just to say this thread has made me feel... Wow, I didn't know about these attachment names, as such. I would say I'm fearful/avoidant, but want to try and break free from it if I can, if after all these years!

Edited March 22, 2019 by goldengirl11

[Trail Blazer]

We are still hanging in there. We talk as friends, but there's no intimacy. V always asks about my kids. We caught up last weekend, my daughter and her son played Xbox and played fetch with V's dog. My mom is over from Idaho and V is coming to dinner with us Sunday. Mom adores V, she'd be sad if we broke up. Mom knows things are a little strained... she's just told me to take my time and work through it.

 

Anyway, everything has changed as of right now. After a lengthy process, I've just gotten a new job working for a large Canadian drilling company. I'll find out which rig I'll be sent to after I complete my training, but it could be anywhere from the west texas oil fields to Alaska. I'll be away for a month at a time, flying back home for a couple of weeks in between. This could make or break us. Only time will tell.

[BettyDraper]

We are still hanging in there. We talk as friends, but there's no intimacy. V always asks about my kids. We caught up last weekend, my daughter and her son played Xbox and played fetch with V's dog. My mom is over from Idaho and V is coming to dinner with us Sunday. Mom adores V, she'd be sad if we broke up. Mom knows things are a little strained... she's just told me to take my time and work through it.

 

Anyway, everything has changed as of right now. After a lengthy process, I've just gotten a new job working for a large Canadian drilling company. I'll find out which rig I'll be sent to after I complete my training, but it could be anywhere from the west texas oil fields to Alaska. I'll be away for a month at a time, flying back home for a couple of weeks in between. This could make or break us. Only time will tell.

 

TB, until you effectively manage the situation with your ex, your relationship with V will not move forward the way you want it to.

She has been very honest about that. It could also be time to look at your own issues before diagnosing your girlfriend.

 

You should NOT be discussing marriage and babies with V right now.

You aren't even divorced yet! Starting a new relationship and making it serious prematurely is desperate behavior.

Please remember what happened the last time you jumped into a serious relationship.

 

Congratulations on getting a new job. This could be an excellent opportunity for you to focus on yourself instead of trying to revive a dead relationship.

Edited April 14, 2019 by BettyDraper

[Trail Blazer]

TB, until you effectively manage the situation with your ex, your relationship with V will not move forward the way you want it to.

She has been very honest about that. It could also be time to look at your own issues before diagnosing your girlfriend.

 

You should NOT be discussing marriage and babies with V right now.

You aren't even divorced yet! Starting a new relationship and making it serious prematurely is desperate behavior.

Please remember what happened the last time you jumped into a serious relationship.

 

Congratulations on getting a new job. This could be an excellent opportunity for you to focus on yourself instead of trying to revive a dead relationship.

Thanks Betty.

 

V is the best thing that's ever happened to me besides my kids. I don't regret meeting her and she's helped me through a lot. Those first 8 months were the most magical times I've ever had with someone. Yes, it makes me sad that it probably isn't salvagable. I have to accept my part in it all.

 

V and I won't really talk about anything like our future for a while, if ever. Once I have my start date, I'll be off to wherever for up to a month. There'll be very little contact from the outside world. That's not a bad thing. I will be back home for 2-3 weeks at a time. I'll be using this time to focus on myself and the kids.

 

V and I will still maintain contact, but I have no desire to try and salvage what we have. If it happens, great. If it doesn't, so be it. I'm not looking to be in another relationship. I love V, so hopefully in time things will work out on their own. If she wants to move on, I won't stand in her way, though.

 

My ex and I have been communicating a lot better recently. There's still some issues to resolve, but we're making progress, slowly. I know that I've been all over the place the last few years. I'm just starting to realize how long it takes to get over such a long and toxic relationship. I've made mistakes, but I'm also learning from them.

[BettyDraper]

Thanks Betty.

 

V is the best thing that's ever happened to me besides my kids. I don't regret meeting her and she's helped me through a lot. Those first 8 months were the most magical times I've ever had with someone. Yes, it makes me sad that it probably isn't salvagable. I have to accept my part in it all.

 

V and I won't really talk about anything like our future for a while, if ever. Once I have my start date, I'll be off to wherever for up to a month. There'll be very little contact from the outside world. That's not a bad thing. I will be back home for 2-3 weeks at a time. I'll be using this time to focus on myself and the kids.

 

V and I will still maintain contact, but I have no desire to try and salvage what we have. If it happens, great. If it doesn't, so be it. I'm not looking to be in another relationship. I love V, so hopefully in time things will work out on their own. If she wants to move on, I won't stand in her way, though.

 

My ex and I have been communicating a lot better recently. There's still some issues to resolve, but we're making progress, slowly. I know that I've been all over the place the last few years. I'm just starting to realize how long it takes to get over such a long and toxic relationship. I've made mistakes, but I'm also learning from them.

 

I don't understand how a new relationship can be at the same level as the one you have with your children.

Remember that it's easy to idealize a relationship which occurred during a time where you were hurting.

 

How does V feel about you being away for long stretches of time? Her reaction should tell you a great deal.

 

It's great that you and your ex are communicating better. Paying attention to your children should be where you place your efforts for now.

[Trail Blazer]

I don't understand how a new relationship can be at the same level as the one you have with your children.

Remember that it's easy to idealize a relationship which occurred during a time where you were hurting.

 

How does V feel about you being away for long stretches of time? Her reaction should tell you a great deal.

 

It's great that you and your ex are communicating better. Paying attention to your children should be where you place your efforts for now.

 

It's not at the same level. What I meant was, with the exception of my kids, not that I put the relationship side by side, if that makes sense?

 

I've spoken with V months ago about taking on this new job. She's been supportive since November last year when this was first brought up. She first started pulling away at the time I was looking at this job, but there's no correlation.

 

What she feels now may not be what she felt at the time. Either way, I believe she's happy for me, but the dialog doesn't indicate that she sees what I'm doing as something which will benefit the both of us moving forward.

 

I have accepted that she's just about moved on in her own head, but will not end it for whatever reason. I will be the one who has to make that call I think. She doesn't like confrontation. I'm not the type to make confrontation difficult. Maybe she thinks the slow pull will hurt less. It hurts more - I'd much rather brutal honesty than dragging it out.