I think my girlfriend has an avoidant attachment

[Trail Blazer]

I am sorry to hear about the severity of the situation but unlike the others I applaud your handling of it by at least confronting her and your self awareness to know that things are at a critical point and can't go on as they are.

 

I was very green on the dating scene. I was with one woman for 13 years. Jumped on dating apps/sites and thought I had poor luck because I wasn't matching a lot. As it turns out I was matching a lot more than average fir guys, but still significantly fewer than half of my swipes. And for context, I only swiped 5s and up. I had a few offers for dates, one pulled out 2 hours before the date. The other who was a really cute Russian I turned down as I was already talking to my gf and planning to date her.

 

I'm not going to kid myself; if and when this relationship ends, I do need to spend some time being single. I have lived in nothing but chaos for years, so it's probably wise to take a step back. Although, while my mom thinks I'm crazy the way I go about things, even all the stress of my divorce, relationship struggles with my 12 year old son, I'm still kicking goals at work and have been promoted into a newly created role within the organization. A role which I've campaigned for the need of its creation, so now I've been tasked to manage it along with my regular duties.

 

I just don't think I now how to live without chaos and disorder. I think I'm so conditioned to it, it seems normal. Combined with that and my need for less than 5 hours sleep, I struggle for things to keep me stimulated. Netflix helps! Haha.

 

Anyway, I'll stop rambling. Thanks for your input. I appreciate all the input from everyone, even if some of it makes for uncomfortable reading at times.

Edited March 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

It's true only because she chooses it to be true. It's actually irrelevant as it's not encumbering our relationship.

 

I wonder why V liked the 'D' in the beginning, but decided she had no time for it 7 months into the relationship? I think there's more to it than those tired cliches like 'I'm too tired' or 'I have a headache.' She's pulled away because she's either got attachment issues, which fits with having daddy issues (her dad is aggressive and dominant and was emotionally absent to all of his kids), or she's just lost attraction. I think it's the latter.

 

I just take exception to being told that she's further down the path of being ready to have a functional relationship (I'm paraphrasing here as that isn't how she put it) when it's clear to me that she's not really in any position of being ready either, in my opinion. Either that, or she's only invested in what she can gain for her and her son and not what she can bring to the table herself.

 

Ah, so after all this analysis, you have decided that only her issues are affecting the success of this relationship. Fair enough.

 

There are so many more reasons why she has pulled away than she has “attachment issues” (ie. it’s all her fault) or she isn’t attracted to me anymore (no disrespect, but that is the male answer to many relationship problems. It’s an overly simplistic and rather ego driven response, to what is often a much more complicated relationship).

 

How about the possibility that you have unrealistic expectations for this woman and your relationship - expectations that she was able to meet in the early days of the relationship when you were both excited and the hormones were flying, but not anymore... as the demands of life are more difficult to ignore. Further to that, your incessant need to talk, analyze, assign blame, and “fix.” This would get really old, really quick... as you have become more “work” and she not as willing to put the effort in. Perhaps, her hot and cold attitude is actually just her internal struggle - she is interested, but having difficulty managing all her responsibilities and your expectations.

 

The basic truth is, this is a train wreck of a relationship. If not for the fact that she is hot and the sex was good, you have nothing good to say about this woman. So, end it already. Don’t throw her under the bus... see this relationship for what it is - a pleasant rebound relationship. Another stepping stone on your journey. Don’t make this more complicated than it needs to be...

Edited March 3, 2019 by BaileyB

[Trail Blazer]

Why would you need to do this? If you have decided that it’s not working for you and you plan to break up with this woman... why not take the high road and just tell her that you believe you are incompatible and that the relationship has run it’s couse? Her problems are her problems, not yours.

 

Respectfully, who are you to tell her what her issues are and “take this woman to task.” Your attitude comes across as very arrogant, condescending, and entitled. If a man ever did this to me, I would be gone before you even finished your sentence...

 

She's 33 and has been in 6 relationships in that time. She was the victim in at least 3 of them. I'm starting to question the legitimacy if that. I'm not suggesting that she lied, but perceptions are the reality of those whom have perceived, and from my experience she has a distored view on reality.

 

It's irresponsible of her to engage in another relationship after ours will most probably end in failure. It's irresponsible for her child, for the guy she's undoubtedly going to attract, and probably her own emotional well being. She needs a few home truths to sink in and maybe she won't repeat the same failed cycle.

[BaileyB]

She's 33 and has been in 6 relationships in that time. She was the victim in at least 3 of them. I'm starting to question the legitimacy if that. I'm not suggesting that she lied, but perceptions are the reality of those whom have perceived, and from my experience she has a distored view on reality.

 

It's irresponsible of her to engage in another relationship after ours will most probably end in failure. It's irresponsible for her child, for the guy she's undoubtedly going to attract, and probably her own emotional well being. She needs a few home truths to sink in and maybe she won't repeat the same failed cycle.

 

Dude. You have a serious problem with boundaries.

 

Her problems are her problems to solve, not yours. With all due respect, her issues are basically your perceptions - your pop psychology or arm chair analysis. She is not going to appreciate your attempt to analyze and direct her life. Unless you have concerns about the safety and well being of her child... such that you are willing to make a call to child protection services, you need to let this go.

Edited March 3, 2019 by BaileyB

[Tamfana]

Talk to someone to reach understanding, not to “confront” or draw lines or gather info to mount a defense or counterargument. That’s combative thinking, not caring or build-a-relationship thinking. You said, “It's true only because she chooses it to be true.” That's so dismissive, unless you apply that to yourself as well.

 

I feel so bad for her. You consider her immature, cold, avoidant but you won't end the relationship. Tell her simply and directly that you need a relationship with more time together and that you understand she can't do that, it's fine, and you hope she finds the right guy for her.

[Trail Blazer]

There are so many more reasons why she has pulled away than she has “attachment issues” (ie. it’s all her fault) or she isn’t attracted to me anymore (no disrespect, but that is the male answer to many relationship problems. It’s an overly simplistic and rather ego driven response, to what is often a much more complicated relationship).

I've snipped your quote, but this paragraph is one I'd like to highlight. It doesn't bother me so much if the sex droppef a little as I don't expect that level of intensity to remain forever. Having said that, the sex dropping coincided with her being less emotionally attentive or displaying other means of affection (cuddling on the couch, etc).

 

You say that men simplify things that are a lot more complicated. Then you went on to say that I want to talk too much, question etc. Sorry, I think it's women who overcomolicate things, who make it so convoluted as to make no logical sense to a man and then cry foul when he wants to sit and talk about it as if he's not entitled to effective communication and you get to be completely unaccountable for your actions.

 

Why flip flop? Why insist things are so complicated when, really, it probably is pretty simple. It comes back to one's lack of desire to be accountable for their actions in the relationship, I think. If you expect us to read your mind, expect us to be wrong most of the time.

[some_username1]

She's 33 and has been in 6 relationships in that time. She was the victim in at least 3 of them. I'm starting to question the legitimacy if that. I'm not suggesting that she lied, but perceptions are the reality of those whom have perceived, and from my experience she has a distored view on reality.

 

It's irresponsible of her to engage in another relationship after ours will most probably end in failure. It's irresponsible for her child, for the guy she's undoubtedly going to attract, and probably her own emotional well being. She needs a few home truths to sink in and maybe she won't repeat the same failed cycle.

 

Ha! Well, they're always the victim. The word 'controlling' seems to be the buzz word du jour these days to explain away boyfriends who demand an equal partner for a gf and not a whimsical child. So many women bang on about the controlling ex and yet once you have spent some time in their company you realise that they are a bloody nightmare to date and the ex might just have been trying to set some ground rules of what they would amd would not put up with and then when held to account for her behaviour the woman throws up her hands and runs for the hills peddling the narrative that he was too controlling for which, far from getting a critical eye, she gets consolation and positive reinforcement from her friends and that guy forever more is labelled a controlling monster.

 

FWIW I think you are being a bit harshly dwalt with at this point. You sound like the mature adult in the relationship and whilst the women may raise some valid points about her understanding of your expectations they seem to be tacitly approving of her way of dealing with them through silence and being obtuse. No matter who is right and who is wrong on those points her way of dealing with the issues that are clearly there is not okay and can't be justified.

 

You have to ask yourself are you looking for a woman, or a child as a partner? Because it seems like you are dealing with the latter.

[Trail Blazer]

Dude. You have a serious problem with boundaries.

 

Her problems are her problems to solve, not yours. With all due respect, her issues are basically your perceptions - your pop psychology or arm chair analysis. She is not going to appreciate your attempt to analyze and direct her life. Unless you have concerns about the safety and well being of her child... such that you are willing to make a call to child protection services, you need to let this go.

That's fair enough. What I'd like to say and what I will end up saying are probably two different things. I'm not a cold hearted ********* and I do genuinely wish the best for her.

I'm sad for her boy as he's grown really attached to me and he's got no male role model in his life but he's a really good little kid.

[BaileyB]

You say that men simplify things that are a lot more complicated. Then you went on to say that I want to talk too much, question etc. Sorry, I think it's women who overcomolicate things.

 

Why flip flop? Why insist things are so complicated when, really, it probably is pretty simple.

 

I would say that you are acting very much like a woman in this case. (Sorry). It is very simple - you are not compatible with this woman, you do not respect her, and you are not getting what you want from her. The simple answer is, end the relationship. That’s what all the women in this discussion have been advising you to do.

 

You insist on writing pages and pages of “analysis” - going on at length about your own self-diagnosis of her behavior and word for word reports of your attempts to “communicate” which are really intended to try and get her to do/be who you want her to be. In this way, you are very much acting like some women.

 

It is simple, this relationship is not what you want it to be so you need to end it. And no, it’s probably not just because she has lost attraction for you. Again, respectfully, that’s you thinking with your little head. It is obviously far more complicated than that...

[BaileyB]

That's fair enough. What I'd like to say and what I will end up saying are probably two different things. I'm not a cold hearted ********* and I do genuinely wish the best for her.

I'm sad for her boy as he's grown really attached to me and he's got no male role model in his life but he's a really good little kid.

 

I’m sure you do genuinely wish the best for her and her child. I just think you are misguided if you think that anything you have to say will cause her to change who she is or her obviously, long standing relationship patterns. Trust me, I’ve tried... it doesn’t work. She will make her own way, make her own mistakes and learn her own lessons... or, she won’t. It’s her life.

 

And yes, I agree that it’s sad for her child that he has had a parade of men coming through the home (assuming she has introduced these men to her child) and he doesn’t have a male role model. But, she is his mother, he is HER child and not yours, and it’s obviously not a child protection issue.

Edited March 3, 2019 by BaileyB

[Wallysbears]

I don’t understand why you are over analyzing this so much.

 

The relationship is not going to work. End it and move on.

[some_username1]

I would say that you are acting very much like a woman in this case. (Sorry). It is very simple - you are not compatible with this woman, you do not respect her, and you are not getting what you want from her. The simple answer is, end the relationship. That’s what all the women in this discussion have been advising you to do.

 

You insist on writing pages and pages of “analysis” - going on at length about your own self-diagnosis of her behavior and word for word reports of your attempts to “communicate” which are really intended to try and get her to do/be who you want her to be. In this way, you are very much acting like some women.

 

It is simple, this relationship is not what you want it to be so you need to end it. And no, it’s probably not just because she has lost attraction for you. Again, respectfully, that’s you thinking with your little head. It is obviously far more complicated than that...

 

It seems odd though that if it is far more complicated her way of dealing with it is to act indifferent. It seems intuitive that someone labouring under the weight of complex feelings would, by implication, be invested in resolving them. The act of checking out, as seems to be the case in this scenario seems almost like the opposite, thst she doesn't care enough to resolve the problem. Again, Occam's Razor, because something has turned her off. Either way, whatever the root cause, I doubt the OP will be able to elicit a response that he can understand so it all means the same thing at the end of the day and the actual reasons are neither here nor there. It's done.

[some_username1]

I don’t understand why you are over analyzing this so much.

 

The relationship is not going to work. End it and move on.

 

Well yes. Obviously. But I think we can all empathise with OP trying to understand why things have got to this point as he could quite easily find himself in a similar relationship having learnt nothing from this one. Something has quite obviously changed in the dynamic on her part and he is struggling to understand why that is. That seems a very reasonable proposition to me.

 

She seems unable to articulate why in a way he can understand and even though it's done I'm sure we have all asked the same questions in order to get some sort of closure and avoid making the same mistakes in future. Human nature.

 

I will agree however that going so deep on the attachment theory stuff was getting into over-analysing territory.

[BaileyB]

It seems odd though that if it is far more complicated her way of dealing with it is to act indifferent. It seems intuitive that someone labouring under the weight of complex feelings would, by implication, be invested in resolving them. The act of checking out, as seems to be the case in this scenario seems almost like the opposite, thst she doesn't care enough to resolve the problem.

 

The fact that she is not invested in resolving the problem tells us that either a) she doesn’t think there is a problem or b) she is not invested in the relationship. Or, could it be that she is just busy working, raising her child, and struggling with grief... and thus, not as invested in the relationship as OP.

 

Either way, to continue these discussions is to prolong the agony. I don’t understand why either person is not willing to just state the obvious, and call it a day...

Edited March 3, 2019 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

Is it really so difficult to understand?

He has just left a longish marriage with 4 kids, two who are his own and two stepkids, an ex who is not particularly happy and a son who is struggling.

He has baggage a plenty and his gf is none too happy, especially after the recent debacle over his sister's wedding.

Few really want to deal with this sort of stuff in reality. It is too much especially when she is a single mother with a child of her own and has recently lost a close family member.

[littleblackheart]

all done after watching red pill stuff to fire you up. For mercy sake, end it.

 

I see that too.

 

I don't understand what another discussion, even a calm and solemn and respectful and civilised one over coffee is going to do - besides making sure she feels as burdened as possible with the weight of the end of the relationship.

 

That sounds like torture, tbh.

 

Quit analysing this woman, end it and be done with it, OP.

[BaileyB]

I don't understand what another discussion, even a calm and solemn and respectful and civilised one over coffee is going to do - besides making sure she feels as burdened as possible with the weight of the end of the relationship.

 

That sounds like torture, tbh.

 

Yes! I say, you don’t have the right to do that to another person OP.

 

I didn’t actually realize the entire circumstance... if what Elaine says is true, that you have four children, one who is struggling, and an angry ex-wife - I’m honestly increadulous that you could say that you don’t bring baggage that is affecting the relationship OP. That shows your own insight into the situation...

[Wallysbears]

Trail, I think you need to tend your issues and stop trying to focus on hers.

[some_username1]

Is it really so difficult to understand?

He has just left a longish marriage with 4 kids, two who are his own and two stepkids, an ex who is not particularly happy and a son who is struggling.

He has baggage a plenty and his gf is none too happy, especially after the recent debacle over his sister's wedding.

Few really want to deal with this sort of stuff in reality. It is too much especially when she is a single mother with a child of her own and has recently lost a close family member.

 

Did the kids and the ex just pop out of a black hole 6 months into their relationship or was this all there in the background before they got together? IF that is the cause then she has to carry some responsibility for biting off more than she was originally happy to chew and then not displaying any gumption in telling OP how she really felt, instead doing it via avoidant behaviour.

 

It sounds like she is getting a bit of a hall pass here and as flawed as OP is, he is the one who has dodged the bullet here and will hopefully realise that in time once rhe dust has settled.

[some_username1]

Yes! I say, you don’t have the right to do that to another person OP.

 

I didn’t actually realize the entire circumstance... if what Elaine says is true, that you have four children, one who is struggling, and an angry ex-wife - I’m honestly increadulous that you could say that you don’t bring baggage that is affecting the relationship OP. That shows your own insight into the situation...

 

She knew what she was potentially taking on when they met, this isn't necessarily new. And things were great for 6 months. In OP's defence for a while now he has tried to confront the issue and got stonewalled with "I'm tired" - which sounds like a problem that it is possible to fix amd has kept him hanging on thinking it will get better, when as we see now that was just a sop to throw him off. If she had just been honest about her feelings a few months ago OP probably wouldn't still be analysing things because she would have been cruel to be kind and been honest that she wasn't into it anymore.

 

To me, she doesn't seem to have owned any of her part in this and displayed an inability to act like an adult with some class towards OP.

[BaileyB]

I’m not saying I agree with everything she has done... Yes, she must have known his situation in the beginning and obviously thought it was acceptable to her...

 

It’s just further proof that both individuals have many things they are dealing with in their own personal lives. To think that this was going to be a serious, long term relationship was a stretch, considering the baggage that BOTH partners brought to the relationship. Neither one of you can commit to anything serious, obviously...

[elaine567]

Did the kids and the ex just pop out of a black hole 6 months into their relationship or was this all there in the background before they got together?

Yes, but she wasn't told how much of an issue the wife was... A wife being "replaced" after 13 years in only 3 months is never going to be happy and the OW slur has no doubt followed the gf about too, even if it isn't true.

 

V(the gf) told me that when we first spoke online, I had told her that the ex and I were on good terms and that "doesn't really seem to be thrme case." I told her that we were on good terms at the time. I then asked her if she was implying I had been less than honest, to which she replied, "no... but there must have been issues." "Of course there were issues, I said. No body separates without issues, but things changed and it got worse." V said I should have thought about that before dating, to which I replied, "I could have waited years and unless she found someone else first, finding out that she's been replaced and realizing my daughter loves her replacement was always going to pi$$ her off."

 

I think like Trail Blazer she got carried away, and once reality hit home it became more and more difficult for her.

He jumped in head first, she jumped in head first and then they realised they were in a deep old quarry and not in a luxury swimming pool...

[BaileyB]

I think like Trail Blazer she got carried away, and once reality hit home it became more and more difficult for her.

He jumped in head first, she jumped in head first and then they realised they were in a deep old quarry and not in a luxury swimming pool...

 

Lol. Probably very true.

 

Add to that the pressure of paying the bills, raising her child, and grieving a significant loss, she may have realized that she actually doesn’t feel like swimming at all anymore...

[Tamfana]

I don’t understand why you are over analyzing this so much.

 

The relationship is not going to work. End it and move on.

 

Maybe he's avoiding ending it because they still have sex sometimes. So long as there is discussion and analysis it kind of sort of looks like still trying to understand and create a closer bond.

Edited March 3, 2019 by Tamfana

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I'veseenbetterlol - respectfully, it seems like you didn’t study enough attachment theory.

 

By the very definition, if you’re dating a secure person, the insecure attachment lessens significantly or even gets “corrected” if you stay with them long enough. I believe this is true specially for anxiously insecure, with avoidants it’s more complicated.

 

That’s what happened when I was in a LTR with a secure person. But as I didn’t know about it and didn’t do the real work behind it, it reappeared with new partners. Also because I’m both anxious and avoidant, it went well a few years but my avoidant side made me kick him in the end.

 

How much studying would be enough? lol. I'm just saying this out of personal opinion and experience. The insecurity always popped up when my partners showed extremely low interest. This is my personal experience and now I don't want to give an excuses to people who aren't committed to me. I've experienced this w/supposed friends as well. There were people who made me feel insecure because they didn't care about me. I'm not saying to blame your partner for everything, just trying to make sure people don't bend over backwards to improve their relationship when their partner doesn't even care about them.