I think my girlfriend has an avoidant attachment

[Blanco]

OP, I think it's crucial you don't lose sight that you are not without fault here. You have baggage stemming from your marriage and divorce, both of which sound like they are very much still "live" sources of conflict in your life. There's no way this hasn't had some negative effect on your current relationship.

 

I'm not saying it's all your fault; just that you have issues you should clear up before you pursue a serious relationship. It's one of the reasons many suggest letting some time pass between your divorce being finalized and starting a serious relationship. I've been on the other end of something like this and it absolutely saps the relationship after a while.

[BaileyB]

Don't tell me that women don't know what they're doing in the beginning when they go like rabbits. They're sucking us men in. It's hard to not feel like I was somehow duped.

 

The reality is women use their sexuality to attract and retain men. When their sexuality no longer serves a purpose, they then focus on other areas of their lives they view as more important. The fact that the guy is left scratching his head with one hand and having to beat his meat with the other because his sex life has dropped.

 

It's a sad world when manipulation is much more effective than honesty. I was pure and honest in my intentions and now I'm getting somewhat burnt.

 

I find it really sad that you have such a poor opinion of women. I understand that you feel that you have been duped/burnt by relationships, but this is still really disappointing to read.

 

The honest truth is, if you want to understand women and what went wrong with this relationship, you need to stop thinking with your penis.

Edited March 4, 2019 by BaileyB

[Trail Blazer]

I find it really sad that you have such a poor opinion of women. I understand that you feel that you have been duped/burnt by relationships, but this is still really disappointing to read.

 

The honest truth is, if you want to understand women and what went wrong with this relationship, you need to stop thinking with your penis.

No, I just need her to come clean and be honest with what her issues are and communicate better instead of stonewalling me. Last week was a start and, despite what people here say, it helped me. Honestly I don't think the relationship can be salvaged, but I'm not going to straight out dump her. I want to talk with her and reach a mutual agreement that we're not suited as long term partners.

[Trail Blazer]

OP, I think it's crucial you don't lose sight that you are not without fault here. You have baggage stemming from your marriage and divorce, both of which sound like they are very much still "live" sources of conflict in your life. There's no way this hasn't had some negative effect on your current relationship.

 

I'm not saying it's all your fault; just that you have issues you should clear up before you pursue a serious relationship. It's one of the reasons many suggest letting some time pass between your divorce being finalized and starting a serious relationship. I've been on the other end of something like this and it absolutely saps the relationship after a while.

I understand where you're coming from. Perhaps I over estimated my abilities to manage a relationship while dealing with my baggage. I thought I was doing a good job. I was never making my problems hers. I was always focusing on "us" while I was with her. I never neglected her or her son in any way. I initiated outings and carefully managed my kids' introduction to her.

 

I am actually proud of how I have managed everything so far. The relationship was probably a mistake, and only time will really tell what the fallout will be when it's over. But for those first 6 months we had together I've never felt so alive. I can never regret that, at least from a selfish perspective. But having the experience of this relationship and it's developing pitfalls, I couldn't go down the same path again. I need some time to sort out my life.

[Blanco]

Just end it and tell her it’s not working for you and you’ve accepted you can’t give each other what the other needs. Accept that sometimes things don’t work and you don’t get clear cut answers about why.

[Trail Blazer]

Please don't take serious relationship dating advice from a man who is doing a blog/vlog dressed like, speaking like and in rooms like either of these clowns in that video. That's like going to the toothless dentist.

 

I will take a look tonight after work and the seriousness I will take them will be dependant on factors other than what they look like and how they dress. Content is the only criteria that matters.

[Trail Blazer]

Just end it and tell her it’s not working for you and you’ve accepted you can’t give each other what the other needs. Accept that sometimes things don’t work and you don’t get clear cut answers about why.

 

Her grandfather has just passed away. I am not going to do anything right now. I'm just going to give her space.

[elaine567]

I'm just going to give her space.

Why are you giving her space?

 

Should not a bf of 11 months not be right in there offering support?

[Trail Blazer]

Why are you giving her space?

 

Should not a bf of 11 months not be right in there offering support?

Do you think they're not mutually exclusive? Of course I have offered her support. I've done all of the textbook "correct" things to do. I cannot force my support on to her. She knows I'm here for her and she can reach out when she feels the need. Right now, she's upstate with her family. I have even put a condolence card in her letterbox for when she arrives back in town. What more do you expect I should I do?

[some_username1]

Why are you giving her space?

 

Should not a bf of 11 months not be right in there offering support?

 

The relationship seems done on both their parts, OP inserting himself into her grief would not be appropriate amd I suspect given what we know of her behaviour not welcomed either. She knows it's done, he knows it's done.

 

If it were me I would allow her space to grieve, wait for HER to contact ME (so she can be the one to display some desire to mend the bridges for a change) and in the the meantime start preparing to move on. My reading of the situation is that I would never hear from her again- and that's probably for the best. The sympathy card is a good note to end it on imo.

[TheFinalWord]

Please don't take serious relationship dating advice from a man who is doing a blog/vlog dressed like, speaking like and in rooms like either of these clowns in that video. That's like going to the toothless dentist.

 

Both of these men hold annual men's conferences. Don't judge a book by it's cover. Rollo has published multiple books on the topic.

 

This better for you?

 

[Trail Blazer]

...But dude, women and men have the right to change their minds .. And lesson for you ... You need to improve your dating technique and discernment. You're clearly attracted to women who aren't good for you.

 

Of course people have the right to change their minds. They're not breaking the law. I also have the right to want to know why. It's not unreasonable to expect some feedback from someone you've been in a committed relationship for a reasonable amount of time. It's about decency and respect for the other person.

[Trail Blazer]

The reason women get so many more "strikes" on dating apps such as Tinder, etc., is because the majority of men carpet bomb the entire site as it's the best way to increase their odds.

 

Women, by and large, don't do this. They are much more selective, and sit back and wait for the inevitable carpet bombing to pick and choose. This leads to a very unbalanced situation.

Absolutely. I talk to guys at work who, on Tinder and Bumble, will swipe right until they exhaust their daily swipes. Then, after they receive all their possible matches, will filter through them from there.

 

I only swiped right to the girls I actually thought I'd be interested in dating. 6s and up in reality. I swiped left more often than right, at least after a period of time when Tinder's algorithms no longer displayed all of the most attractive girls first.

[Trail Blazer]

<snip>

I agree with everything you've said. I know it's illogical to think I was duped. I said it almost felt that way. In reality, somewhere along the lines I haven't turned out to be the man she thought I was and instead of communicating how she felt about me, she pulled away and used excuses a a smokescreen when I sought answers.

[Trail Blazer]

So, I checked my Messenger this morning and noticed something odd. V had no 'last online' status next to her name. It's odd because she's never not been on Facebook for 24 hours since I've known her. I clicked on her profile and realized her account is deactivated. I saw she'd been tagged in some images of her Grandfather by her cousins, so I figured maybe she just was hurting and needed a break.

 

Well, I've just gotten a message from V's brother, the one she stayed with upstate for a few days. He asked me if I had heard from her. The last time I'd heard from her was yesterday afternoon wheb she sent me a Snap from Cannon Beach. Her bro said he was there with her.

 

I'd told her brother I didn't even know she'd come back home as that was the last time I hears from her. Her bro told me she has left yesterday afternoon and he hadn't heard from her since, didn't hear that she arrived safely and has not been replying to messages or calls. He said that she hadn't taken things well and wasn't in a good place. I told her bro that I would call past her house on the way home from work if neither of us here back from her.

 

I really wanted to keep my distance and give her space. She already knows I'm here for her, so I don't want to push things. In this case though, I have tried ringing a few times and leaving messages. I'm actually really worried about her now. Chances are she's at work snd fine, but given everything I am a bit rattled. I hope she's safe.

[greymatter]

Did you hear from her? What about her child, did her brother mention him?

[Trail Blazer]

Did you hear from her? What about her child, did her brother mention him?

 

Yeah, she sent me a message just before I left work. She said things went down with her family and which she wanted nothing to do with so removed herself from Facebook and all of the family chat groups. It seems a common theme that she retreats when confronted with things she doesn't like/makes her uncomfortable.

 

She seemed cranky via text message that her brother was "fussing" so much when, according to her, he "knew I'd be at work". I told her that there are people who love her and care for her well-being and, if you just go silent and deactivate FB without telling anyone then people will naturally get worried.

[Trail Blazer]

I've been grappling for seemingly months now about why my girlfriend has become distant/flaky or any applicable term to describe such behavior. It's been hard to break through the smokescreen of excuses to not talk, the persistent stonewalling and periodic ghosting.

 

When I think about it, I was probably being a bit unrealistic thinking that I could make a relationship work, given my situation; still married, only having separated a few months prior. So, fast forward 12 months - do I regret anything? No. Have I learnt anything? A lot! Could I have done anything different which may have changed the outcome of this relationship? Most certainly! Although, the outcome isn't yet set in stone.

 

They way I've described it, most would think we've broken it off. It's not broken off, yet... however, it's now not really a proper, intimate relationship, either. In fact, it hasn't been for months, and from our discussions over the last week, it's just been confirmed that the current state of stasis will remain the status quo for some time. I still hold hope, for now. However, either one of us may not at some point. We're both prepared to wait it out, for now at least.

 

So anyway, I gave my girlfriend time to grieve yet another grandparent she'd lost a few of weeks back before putting the state of our relationship firmly back on the agenda.

 

The last discussion we had involved me speaking very little as I actually had a lot I wanted to say, but very little understanding of what she may have been thinking, hence wanting to understand her side more, hoping I would gain some understanding of her perspective. It somewhat helped, if only to afford me a relevant launch pad to proceed discussions when it was my turn to respond and discuss my concerns.

 

When I first brought up wanting to have "the chat" when we were at her house after she got her son to bed, I was met with heavy resitence. I asked her, "if not now, when?" She responded very concerningly that, "We spoke the last time and there's nothing more to say, really." I was flabbergasted, asking her if she actually undertood the importance of effective communication in a relationship, which she snapped bsck at me, sarcastically, "nah, not at all" while rolling her eyes. I asked her why, then, doesn't she exercise good communication when she clearly understands the importance of it. She just looked at me blankly, almost waiting for me to follow up with another question, to which I posited, "you haven't even heard my side at all. I've got so much I've been holding onto, including having considered all of what you've told me in our last convo and my response to that." She gazed at me for a few moments, sighed and told me to "Go on..."

 

We mulled over a lot of thoughts and feelings. What it boils down to is that my girlfriend wants us to move ahead with our relationship, meaning the view to cohabiting in the not-too-distant future, but believes my current situation prevents that. Specifically, that I've been having trouble convincing my 8 and 12 year old kids to stay at my place over night. My ex has not helped, which has really complicated things further.

 

I have attempted to keep my issues distinctly seperate from my girlfriend, but keeping her in the loop with what's going on at the same time. However, when I tell her too much, she gets overwhelmed. When I tell her too little, she thinks I'm hiding things. When she told me her opinion of my ex, I tempered her views somewhat by saying things like, "well, I don't think she would do that" etc. It turns out, my girlfriend was right with a lot of things, unfortunately, as a) it meant that things were more dire than I'd have liked to believe, and b) my girlfriend felt like I was defending my ex and not trusting her judgement by dismissing her advice.

 

My girlfriend dropped a bombshell, telling me that her last ex was in a very similar situation to me, except that he wasn't married. She had told me that she went through everything with him, supporting him through his legal battles to get access to his daughter, including spending hours with his lawyers, et al. She said that once it was over, it had been 12 of a possible 18 months of their relationship just being consumed by this stuff and they were both so burnt out by it, it effectively ruined the relationship.

 

I asked my girlfriend why she didn't run a mile when she saw me coming, given that I had been completely honest about my situation from the beginning. She told me that she was extremely concerned, but that she felt I was someone who exuded confidence and capability and trusted me that I had a handle on my situation. She said she found me charming, intelligent and physically attractive, so she was keen to explore things slowly. She admitted that I had swept her off her feet in the early days and smashed down her emotional walls. She fell in too deep too quickly. Then, she said the red flags started rearing theitlr head, and she panicked.

 

I asked her l, "why, why why didn't you talk to me about this?" She explained to me that she didn't know how to articulate how she felt. She said she felt so overwhelmed with so many emotions that she couldn't handle it and pulled away for reasons of self-preservation. She said she was terrified of going down that same rabbit hole that she ventured with her ex, once she realized that my relationship with my son and ex were deteriorating. She said she felt tremendous fear of losing everything we'd built by going through the same thing as she did with her ex and getting burnt out, so the only thing she felt she could do was retreat.

 

I explained to her how much it hurt me that she handled it this way. I explained to her that I kept trying harder and putting more effort in to areas of our relationship which I thought were lacking, only to see her pull away more. I told her that I thought she might have been sabotaging our relationship by pushing me away, hoping that I'd make the call when I got so frustrated I couldn't handle it any longer.

 

She apologized for making me feel that way. She told she felt sad, scared and confused but she never meant to hurt me.

 

I asked her, "where to from here?" She told me she didn't know. She told me that she can't think of moving ahead until my kids' situation is sorted and my communication with my ex improves. The divorce is still ongoing, so until that is finalized in the next month or 2, I guess things are still up in the air.

 

My girlfriend said that she is making a stand and is going to put herself first this time, as, according to her, she's always put herself second in every relationship previously, and she's always left feeling empty, used and taken for granted. She told me that she actually has no idea if staying with me will actually mean putting herself and her son first in the long run. It's important to note that in the 15 months since I've been separated, my career has, paradoxically taken off. I've gained 2 decent promotions and things aren't looking like slowing down.

 

I told my girlfriend that I cannot wait around for her to decide my fait, either. I told her that there's a feeling of immense pressure and urgency to repair a delicate situation; that being my relationship with my kids and ex. She told me that she would never expect that I priotitize her before my kids, which is why she needs to see marked improvements before she will move forward with me. I told her I could do that better if I had her by my side supporting me, to which she snapped, "didn't you listen to anything I said." I told her, "every word, but it's still reality." So, I guess I deflected the pressure I felt, somewhat back on to her, which wasn't cool in hindsight.

 

We ended the discussion by me telling her how much i love her and how badly I want everything to work out. I reiterated that if things work out, then her dream of starting a family (a "blended" family with us having a baby) would be my goal as well. I did say, however, that I would not stamd in her way if she wanted to leave. I told her that her happiness was extremely important to me and I undertand that, at nearly 34 years of age, that biology waits for nobody and I know she wants to fall pregant sooner rather than later. I also have her some food for thought, that it was perhaps a reality that I couldn't wait indefinitely in a relationship where there was no intimacy, where we spoke minimally and where I had ongoong concerns about our ability to communicate.

 

We left the discussion knowing we both have things to work on and understanding that there's a long road ahead before the relationship is where we want it to be at, and, at any moment, either party may just pull the pin.

 

It's been 2 days since this discussion and we've been chatting a lot more on Messenger, including having organized a date night in celebration of our first anniversary (1 year since our first date).

 

I have a lot to think about. Only time will tell how things will pan out. I'm "hoping for the best but expecting the worst." At least I feel better now, having some closure about what's been going on all this time.

[chillii]

Didn't read it all man that's a longy but got the gist.

Just wondering , is your ex with anyone new atm?

Does she know about the gf?

lf no and yes that could have her in b@5ch mode with the kids sitch , but whatever the reason so sad to see , is there a way to get things good with the ex ? lt really is the best thing for the kids and great for you too in this sitch for the years ahead

 

Anyway , the other thing l was thinking is l wouldn't go living with her yet because your kids need time and to be able to come and go and be with you and you also don't wanna risk peeing the ex off into further shytties until things get better with her again.

Good luck with everything anyway.

Edited March 19, 2019 by chillii

[BaileyB]

So, she’s telling you to take the time you need to get your house in order, before she will get more serious with you. That seems pretty reasonable, if you ask me...

[Trail Blazer]

So, she’s telling you to take the time you need to get your house in order, before she will get more serious with you. That seems pretty reasonable, if you ask me...

 

I agree. It's perfectly reasonable. I just wish it didn't take so long and this much effort for her to actually come out and say it. It makes me wonder if this is a one off situation that triggered her to react this way, or if she retreats any time there's a serious issue in a relationship. I couldn't have a LTR with someone who cannot effectively communicate.

[Trail Blazer]

Didn't read it all man that's a longy but got the gist.

Just wondering , is your ex with anyone new atm?

Does she know about the gf?

lf no and yes that could have her in b@5ch mode with the kids sitch , but whatever the reason so sad to see , is there a way to get things good with the ex ? lt really is the best thing for the kids and great for you too in this sitch for the years ahead

 

Anyway , the other thing l was thinking is l wouldn't go living with her yet because your kids need time and to be able to come and go and be with you and you also don't wanna risk peeing the ex off into further shytties until things get better with her again.

Good luck with everything anyway.

Fair enough. I actually made a new thread, which I tried to add more context to the opening post, but it got merged with with this one so now it looks unnecessarily verbose.

Edited March 19, 2019 by Trail Blazer

[Veronica73]

You aren’t as good at communication as you think you are.

 

I was flabbergasted, asking her if she actually undertood the importance of effective communication in a relationship

 

Do you have ANY idea how patronizing and condescending this is? And you know what...I realize I am probably coming across the same way...but I’m talking to some guy on a forum who is asking for advice. Not somebody I supposedly love and want to have a serious relationship with. And this same issue has come up several times in your various posts.

[some_username1]

You aren’t as good at communication as you think you are.

 

 

 

Do you have ANY idea how patronizing and condescending this is? And you know what...I realize I am probably coming across the same way...but I’m talking to some guy on a forum who is asking for advice. Not somebody I supposedly love and want to have a serious relationship with. And this same issue has come up several times in your various posts.

 

If someone is acting like a child then they can't really be surprised if they get spoken to like one...

[BaileyB]

You aren’t as good at communication as you think you are.

 

I tend to agree. I also think you make a lot of assumptions, when overthinking everything, and frankly... your assumptions in this situation were all wrong... focusing on lack of sex, loss of physical attraction, and deciding that she had an avoidant attachment style. I’m not saying she shouldn’t have been more direct and communicated her concerns... I’m just saying, be careful when you make assumptions. Like this one...

 

It makes me wonder if this is a one off situation that triggered her to react this way, or if she retreats any time there's a serious issue in a relationship. I couldn't have a LTR with someone who cannot effectively communicate.