I think my girlfriend has an avoidant attachment

[Wallysbears]

I said that you moved in with your EX quickly...not your current girlfriend.

 

But you can dismiss my opinions if you'd like. I'm actually trying to help you here...because I know you DO care very much about this woman.

[Trail Blazer]

Or, she spends more time with you when she can and doesn't spend as much time with you when she can't.

 

It's not about spending time per se. It's hard to describe the intangibles, especially over text. I believe I am fairly perceptive and my gut hasn't generally let me down in the past. When I've detected issues of her going cold in the past and brought it up, I've been on the money. She's admitted to struggling at certain times when I've felt it. Only now, since she knows if I raise the "going cold" issue, she anticipates it and comes armed with excuses for why.

 

I cut her slack because her grandmother passed away. I cut her slack because she was tired at times. I cut her slack because she started a new job recently. Hell, I cut her a massive amount of slack understanding that she's a single mother and that I'll always come second. However, I struggle to reconcile with being shut out at seemingly random times, with a complete disregard to how dysfunctional it is to go days on end with no contact and no valid reason why.

 

I won't compromise my own self respect forever.

[Trail Blazer]

I said that you moved in with your EX quickly...not your current girlfriend.

 

But you can dismiss my opinions if you'd like. I'm actually trying to help you here...because I know you DO care very much about this woman.

 

I unreservedly aploogize. You did too. I feel like an a$$ as it was I who misread what you said and proceeded to take you to task on that. I believe that most of my point still stands, however I won't edit it as the dialog would be mismatched and I have nothing to hide - I always admit when I am in the wrong. In this case I most certainly am.

[littleblackheart]

Could it simply be that your expectations in terms of what a relationship means to you both are mismatched, and that neither of you have a particular attachment style?

 

I don't know much about attachment theory at all but took a test out of curiosity. It came out as 64% secure, 14% avoidant and some other things I didn't pay attention to.

 

What that tells me is that being single suits me, and that I best avoid anxious people. All of which I knew anyway, tbh.

 

I don't mean to say this theory isn't useful; I'm sure it can give good insight on oneself.

 

I've not really read all your threads so my aplologies if this has been covered already but I wondered: did you just look at her style, or did you look into yours too?

[olivetree]

I have lots of experience being with someone avoidant.

We now have a secure relationship.

 

You could ask her to take an online test to see what her attachment style to you is, and you take it too.

Key here is TO YOU, because she could have a different attachment to her child, siblings, etc.

Perhaps it could open a dialogue about what's going on with you two.

[Wallysbears]

That's a good question about what is your style vs. what you perceive to be hers.

 

I just did a quick little online test myself and the results came back saying "Whether it involves emotional expression or developing a deep intimate bond, you're the type of person who is very at ease getting close to a partner. You are also comfortable relying on your partner when necessary, as well as having him/her dependent upon you in times of need."

 

Trail...could you possibly need her to be more reliant on you as part of your attachment style?

[Trail Blazer]

@littleblackheart: We spoke in the beginning about what we wanted to achieve putting ourselves out in the dating world. We realized that our desires aligned. We attempted to define what a relationship would mean, what it would look like, etc. It was all good. In fact, this isn't even a paraphrase, it's a quote: "On paper = dream guy. But only time will tell. You're smashing down all of my emotional walls and that's scary but exciting."

 

I never knew those words would become somewhat poignant. Somewhere along the lines, I've acted in a way where she's felt the need to put those walls back up again. Hence, my research of her behavior indicates an avoidant attachment. Mutliple articles listed behaviors and traits relating to avoidant attachment and she ticks almost every one of them so, so accurately!

 

I've self-analyzed. I've realized I'm not perfect myself. I think coming out of a fairly toxic marriage and into the arms of a gorgeous woman who made me feel like the most special guy in earth meant that when things changed, it felt like a mini crisis for me. I displayed traits of anxious attachment, however I think it was a reaction a rather than an absolute. I'm much more pragmatic now, and quite honestly I'm not even sure if this can be resolved.

[Trail Blazer]

I have lots of experience being with someone avoidant.

We now have a secure relationship.

 

You could ask her to take an online test to see what her attachment style to you is, and you take it too.

Key here is TO YOU, because she could have a different attachment to her child, siblings, etc.

Perhaps it could open a dialogue about what's going on with you two.

 

24 hours ago I had never even heard of attachment styles. I created this thread as my research into my girlfriend's behavior had a remarkably uncanny reseblence to avoidant attachment to the point where I kept lookinf at more articles and wantesld to know more, including the collective experiences on LS.

 

I might do one of those tests myself when I have some more time this evening and report back to here. I'm unsure yet if I'd suggest my girlfriend do it. I'm not sure how she'd take that. I am open to suggesting it to her where appropriate.

[littleblackheart]

I displayed traits of anxious attachment, however I think it was a reaction a rather than an absolute. I'm much more pragmatic now, and quite honestly I'm not even sure if this can be resolved.

 

Fair enough, though if all this research happened in under 24h, you might want to give yourself time to take it all in and give her an opportunity to talk it over with you.

 

I honestly most people are 'good on paper' anyway; once the novelty wears off is when you truly if on paper matches real life.

 

Good luck in any event

[some_username1]

This is pretty much it. We became closer again over the holiday period, now things have gone cold again, seemingly out of nowhere. Just when she feels like she's getting closer to me, more content and trusting, BAM! She puts up walls and retreats.

 

If you take a step back and look at it from outside she is quite predictable. Some of us on your other thread told you that she would thaw out over Christmas as having a partner then would be all new and no-one likes to be alone at that time of year. Now as sure as eggs is eggs it's business as usual.

 

I agree somewhat with the poster above, it may not even be that she is purposely obtuse- this could literally be just who she is. Either way it isn't wrong for you to be unhappy with things- but it means that you obviously aren't with the right person and have to pluck up the courage to do something about it. You have tried your best to confront the issue and it hasn't worked so the question is how long are you willing to put up with being unhappy? The elephant in the room, as per your recent thread is: would you even still be with her if you weren't as attracted to her looks? The answer to that seems fairly clear and should be a bit worrying because that pretty face you are looking at is not making you happy and is making you keep yourself unhappy.

 

Some of the loneliest people I know are in relationships and it looks like you are headed in that direction. Even for a pretty face, the juice just ain't worth the squeeze imo.

[SunnyWeather]

OP, it's really best to avoid diagnosing a partner.

 

Diagnosing a partner (coming up with some condition that explains their behavior) can all too often just lead to one result: You make excuses, justify, explain ... why you're being treated poorly.

 

It's not your job to understand what kind of underlying condition she has. Your job is to set your standards ... and call her out if she fails to meet them ... and get out of the relationship if her behavior isn't working for you.

 

well said. I'll add to the OP- this information might be best directed toward the person seeking this knowledge, rather than pointing outward to the other. Reflecting on YOUR attachment style and understanding why YOU are attracting certain types might produce some helpful and fruitful insights that lead to changes in your own behavior. Ultimately, it could help you to see ways in which you engage in unhealthy dynamics, and help you to create more fulfilling and healthy relationships--And, that also means, learning to disengage from unhealthy ones.

[edgygirl]

This is a psychological trauma, it’s not about being “useful”. Of course it won’t be useful for those who don’t have this trauma or are not in a relationship with someone who has insecure attachment.

 

With all due respect it would be nice if people on this thread stopped discounting that it’s a very real possibility that she’s an avoidant. Whenever insecure attachment comes up on LS, most people say - you’re only trying to explain someone’s bad behavior by finding excuses. Quite honestly it’s a little offensive to those of us who legitimately feel they have this issue.

 

Also, if you’re secure, and you seem to be by your result, you’ll never get what insecure attachment is unless you have someone close who has it.

 

Would people also discount someone with depression ie? I doubt it. Sorry but I had to say it.

 

Could it simply be that your expectations in terms of what a relationship means to you both are mismatched, and that neither of you have a particular attachment style?

 

I don't know much about attachment theory at all but took a test out of curiosity. It came out as 64% secure, 14% avoidant and some other things I didn't pay attention to.

 

What that tells me is that being single suits me, and that I best avoid anxious people. All of which I knew anyway, tbh.

 

I don't mean to say this theory isn't useful; I'm sure it can give good insight on oneself.

 

I've not really read all your threads so my aplologies if this has been covered already but I wondered: did you just look at her style, or did you look into yours too?

[littleblackheart]

Would people also discount someone with depression ie? I doubt it. Sorry but I had to say it.

She may well be avoidant - I don't know, nor do you, nor does (with respect) OP know for certain.

 

But equally, this may also be the novelty of the new relationship wearing off.

 

I don't live in a bubble, I have family members who do have those anxious or avoidant styles, and I agree that childhood plays a big part so yes, I do know for witnessing it, what an insecure attachment style is.

 

I also know that it is not set in stone, and that you can be different things to different people.

 

With that said, I didn't mean to sound dismissive - apologies, that was not my intention at all.

[Wallysbears]

This is a psychological trauma, it’s not about being “useful”. Of course it won’t be useful for those who don’t have this trauma or are not in a relationship with someone who has insecure attachment.

 

With all due respect it would be nice if people on this thread stopped discounting that it’s a very real possibility that she’s an avoidant. Whenever insecure attachment comes up on LS, most people say - you’re only trying to explain someone’s bad behavior by finding excuses. Quite honestly it’s a little offensive to those of us who legitimately feel they have this issue.

 

Also, if you’re secure, and you seem to be by your result, you’ll never get what insecure attachment is unless you have someone close who has it.

 

Would people also discount someone with depression ie? I doubt it. Sorry but I had to say it.

 

The thing is? Anyone who says that this woman has XYZ cannot possibly know. Only a professional can make that determination. And hypothesizing about it won't help the situation.

 

If she does have a specific attachment issue, then it can be addressed by a therapist.

 

Just like saying someone has depression. Unless it is actually diagnosed by professionals, it is just a random guess.

 

Would we tell someone to diagnose their partner with diabetes based solely off what is relayed to us on an internet forum? No. We'd tell them to have their partner see a doctor.

 

Except in this situation, I highly doubt a conversation about any type of attachment style will even happen. And further doubt that any doctor would be consulted.

[S2B]

It's not about spending time per se. It's hard to describe the intangibles, especially over text. I believe I am fairly perceptive and my gut hasn't generally let me down in the past. When I've detected issues of her going cold in the past and brought it up, I've been on the money. She's admitted to struggling at certain times when I've felt it. Only now, since she knows if I raise the "going cold" issue, she anticipates it and comes armed with excuses for why.

 

I cut her slack because her grandmother passed away. I cut her slack because she was tired at times. I cut her slack because she started a new job recently. Hell, I cut her a massive amount of slack understanding that she's a single mother and that I'll always come second. However, I struggle to reconcile with being shut out at seemingly random times, with a complete disregard to how dysfunctional it is to go days on end with no contact and no valid reason why.

 

I won't compromise my own self respect forever.

 

Why would you compromise your self respect at all?

 

No, don’t! That’s a clear indicator you should ends things = when you are compromising YOUR self respect. Stop doing that to yourself!

[edgygirl]

littleblackheart - no worries I always love your posts but just thought I’d put it out there as it’s frustrating that people on LS usually dismiss the subject.

 

Wally’s - Of course we don’t know. But I applaud OP for caring so much about her that he’s doing all he can to figure out what might be the issue. This is only one possibility amongst others, it should not be dismissed and of course he can discuss it with her so she can check with a professional whether that’s the case. But all diagnosis start somewhere... with research. It’s fair to research and suppose - that’s all.

 

Of course I agree that if no convo happens and no doc is ever consulted, it can be a total waste of time.

Edited March 1, 2019 by edgygirl

[FMW]

Usually (not always) I don't think posters just outright reject a theory, but provide alternate possibilities. It's not helpful to encourage anyone to grab onto one theory and hold tight to it when no one knows for sure.

 

This forum is great in that we get the views and experiences of so many different people.

[Tamfana]

Diagnoses aside, it does seem that you two are not on the same page in what you want or need in a relationship so maybe just recognize that and move on to someone who can better meet your wants and needs. You're dissatisfied with her a lot and no one wants a partner who views us as psychologically impaired or dysfunctional or who is trying to figure out what we need to change. That's really a determination of whether you're compatible and it doesn't sound as though you are.

[edgygirl]

Of course a variety of ideas is the best. I just might be a little sensitive to the subject as I live it, and I do see people dismissing the possibility over and over on LS. I do pay attention as it’s a subject that’s important to me.

 

Usually (not always) I don't think posters just outright reject a theory, but provide alternate possibilities. It's not helpful to encourage anyone to grab onto one theory and hold tight to it when no one knows for sure.

 

This forum is great in that we get the views and experiences of so many different people.

[Trail Blazer]

Why would you compromise your self respect at all?

 

No, don’t! That’s a clear indicator you should ends things = when you are compromising YOUR self respect. Stop doing that to yourself!

 

Wow. I didn't actually mean to say forever, I meant I won't ever. I totally agree with you, we should never compromise our own self resepct. I don't feel like I have, I just feel like currently, I am exploring all avenues to try and make things work. When those avenues are exhausted, it'll be time to move on.

[Trail Blazer]

Diagnoses aside, it does seem that you two are not on the same page in what you want or need in a relationship so maybe just recognize that and move on to someone who can better meet your wants and needs. You're dissatisfied with her a lot and no one wants a partner who views us as psychologically impaired or dysfunctional or who is trying to figure out what we need to change. That's really a determination of whether you're compatible and it doesn't sound as though you are.

In a disposable world, I like to be someone who still sees value in something when others may just simply move on to the next thing. I am somewhat dissatisfied with my relationship a lot of the time. I guess the way I look at it is that as long as it's not having a negative impact on me (apart from being a bit frustrated at times I am coping just fine) then if I have the mental reserves to withstand some rough waters, I'll try to navigate through and hope we can reach calmer waters together. If the ship ever starts really sinking, then I'll know it's time to jump.

[Trail Blazer]

<snip> Of course I agree that if no convo happens and no doc is ever consulted, it can be a total waste of time.

I love what you've brought to this thread and genuinely thank you for your contribution. Can I ask, how did you come to the realization that you are who you are in the attachment sense? Did you come to this realization as a result of speaking with a trained professional? My gf informed me after 3 months of dating she regularly sees a pyschologist.

 

Not having ever been to see a mental health professional on any regular basis, I am wondering whether something like an attachment style would have been raised? I know little about why she goes, other than her analogy she gave me along the lines of, "you take your car to the mechanic not just when something needs fixing, but regular maintenance to preempt what might need fixing at a later stage."

 

Is it possible that she's already well aware of her attachment style? If she knew that I understand her position (assuming she has an avoidant attachment), would it make her feel more comfortable? Or, would it make her anxious, thinking that I'm trying to analyzer her, figuring her out and it could be seen as an obstruction to self-manage if I've "figured her out"?

[edgygirl]

Thank you for your kind words Trail Blazer.

 

I’ve started to notice a pattern with the last people I’ve dated. How the relationships started, how they went and how they ended. The last 3 all had weird stuff going on and it was me who started it. And I didn’t even understand what happened and why I did the things I did. Two examples:

1. Dated a man who was appropriate in all levels and LTR material. When I realized he was really into me, I started to look for reasons why he’s not right for me. At the time my reasons made sense, but looking back I believe I was just trying to run away from something serious. I dumped him for one of these reasons. He was really pissed as it was a poor excuse (political leanings);

2. Man I dated last year, as always it starts really hot, they are really into me etc. When I realized he was emotionally available and into me, being relliable, I again tried to find reasons why he is not right to me. Wrong ethnicity/background, recently divorced... and I created a fight one evening that practically blew it up. I woke up without understanding why I did that. It didn’t make sense in a logical sense. One more rollercoaste.

 

That was what brought me to LS to ask - “how do you know if you’re emotionally available?” I thought I might be that. Someone mentioned attachment theory, that people who do what I did often had attachment issues in childhood - and I researched it. The more I read about it, the more scared I was. It totally fit into my actions, into my fears, into my breakups. Not only the ones above, but historically.

 

I often notice the more someone is into me, the more I withdraw. If the opposite is true, if someone is cold/ish and distant, I become anxious and crave them to death. (Typical of fearful avoidants).

 

I won’t mention breakups from 20 years ago ie during college, but I did the same with a BF I really loved. I regret it to this day. I never understood why I broke up with him, it was the perfect relationship. There were other cases, a guy who wanted to marry me a few years back whom I also kicked.

 

Strangely I didn’t kick my ex husband but it ended for other reasons.

 

Anyway suddenly all my issues made sense. Suddenly my super emotional side that I don’t understand makes sense. It also makes sense because although my parents are loving, my mom was a busy professional and I grew up with nannies - I think I was unknowingly emotionally neglected. They say people like me try to recreate what we’re comfy with - this dysfunctional relationship from childhood - so we are attracted to unavailable people and run from secure people as it doesn’t fit what we know.

 

I found out about this last November, haven’t had a chance to get to a therapist yet but will do. The issue is most therapists don’t even know about attachment theory, I’ve done therapy 10 years ago this was never mentioned. I’ve researched and I’d need either an attachment therapist, EMDR therapist or IFS therapist.

 

I’m on a few FB groups about it and I’ve asked if people tell partners they have insecure attachment. Many said they don’t specially in a new relationship. Others do tell specially the ones who are in a stable relationship where they trust their partner and know they have their best interest in mind etc.

 

It’s not enough to be in therapy to know you have this. Strangely she might not know if her therapist is not familiar with this theory. I did CBT therapy and never found out. I think my therapist had no clue about it and deep down I didn’t know how to explain my issues back then. It sometimes takes one decades to figure it out as it’s so unconscious, and also because we can’t remember what happened in age 0-5.

 

Hope this makes some sense and helps you somehow.

Edited March 2, 2019 by edgygirl

[Lotsgoingon]

Trail blazer,

 

Just be careful about assuming that as gf works on herself, that means a deeper connection with you. Could just as easily means she decides she wants to dump you.

 

Attachment anxiety doesn't just distort behavior at the point of deep connection with another. It distorts behavior far down stream before we get to dating ... just in who you hang out with, how you carry yourself, who you want to date, in your ease with saying "no" and "yes."

 

In other words, the attachment stuff led me to date people that now I wouldn't think of dating. I don't think I knew earlier in my life that it was fine to tell someone, "look, I like you, but I don't want to date you."

 

The behavior that describes attachment issues can certainly come up in therapy ... but usually it comes up in dealing with boundaries and self-awareness ... and in lessening anxiety ... and developing more confidence ... I've been to therapy many times, I don't once recall someone using the term "attachment." ... But once I learned of that term, I can see that a ton of work I did in therapy related to attachment.

[elaine567]

My gf informed me after 3 months of dating she regularly sees a pyschologist.

...Is it possible that she's already well aware of her attachment style? If she knew that I understand her position (assuming she has an avoidant attachment), would it make her feel more comfortable? Or, would it make her anxious, thinking that I'm trying to analyzer her, figuring her out and it could be seen as an obstruction to self-manage if I've "figured her out"?

You are armchair diagnosing someone who is already under the guidance of a professional.

Truth is so many psychological issues are not specific to a diagnosis, they are just symptoms, which alone mean little, but together build a picture which a professional can then make a educated judgement upon.

If you read the internet blurb about any psychological issue you will find many points where you can go "Aha, that is the problem", but with an untrained and uneducated eye you could get it all very wrong.

A lay person tends to gravitate towards the stuff that fits and they forget about the stuff that doesn't, that is why it needs people trained to be unbiased and consider all angles before "labelling" people.