Author Fair Posted February 17, 2019 Author Share Posted February 17, 2019 I’m with you. I need to know a little bit about him to determine if I want to meet. About 5 years ago I would just go and meet any guy who asked me out. I don’t have that much time now I’m studying and working. It usually resulted in a lot of mediocre dates with guys I wasn’t into. Got 500 to choose from, gotta sift through them, it’s crazy to go and meet them all. This is especially true on the apps where not much profile info is given. I need to know where he is based, what he is looking for, and chat a bit about general life stuff and hobbies. If we can’t even talk about that stuff then he can move on to someone more desperate to meet ASAP. I’m not talking about game playing for weeks and weeks. Just a few fricken messages otherwise just go to a fricken bar. Right. To me it denotes luke warm interest. Don't want to talk to me on the phone? No chats, no info about yourself?? Don't care to know anything about me? And then on top of it you're online all the time and don't seem to be as reluctant to chat with OTHER women... yeah, it just... feels off. I don't think this guy owes me anything, except to be genuine. I mean you would think if I'm not more than just a back up plan he'd put more effort into this and be more mindful of my comfort level before we meet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 you're online all the time and don't seem to be as reluctant to chat with OTHER women... I'm online all the time so I see women online all the time. I have NO IDEA whether those women are chatting with anyone. Please enlighten me how you know what this guy is doing with the other women because it would be helpful to me to know that in my own online adventures. Thanks in advance. On the other hand, I agree with the female responder on this thread that USUALLY it's helpful to filter a large number of potential meetings by some form of communication prior to a first in-person meeting. FWIW I always message at least once and offer my phone number in case the woman I'm interested in meeting wants to 'talk' before deciding to meet. Then again, I don't think I'm a desirable enough man that some OLD woman is going to be interested in meeting me if she only knows what's in my profile. Link to post Share on other sites
greymatter Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 Right. I don't think this guy owes me anything, except to be genuine. I mean you would think if I'm not more than just a back up plan he'd put more effort into this and be more mindful of my comfort level before we meet. What would be a sign that he is being genuine (from your viewpoint)? How is it possible that you are seeing this as you being a backup plan - and how is he supposed to know what your comfort level is? Link to post Share on other sites
Juha Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 I think your expectations are a little too high of how people should behave when meeting you online. I did talk a lot online in the past and soon learned it was a giant waste of time as it meant nothing, meeting in person is the best way to know if you like each other to date. It seems you are reluctant to meet up until you spend a lot of time talking which you should do in person, not on a computer because you still don't know if you like each other and is a giant waste of time. I would thin if you were not willing to meet that you were looking for attention as that has happened many times to me. Maybe you are a little bitter and your expectations are a little out of line Also it seems that you are in your head a little thinking things that you have no idea are true or not. Maybe you should not be online dating, does not seem like you are ready for it for whatever reason... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 I agree with Juha. I used to think that messaging a lot before meeting would give me a better sense of who someone is. That's just an illusion and a waste of time. People are not what they text or say on the phone. People are who they are in real life and their real life actions. That's the only way to know someone for real. Hence after a few messages, I meet them... asap. Not wasting my time in endless online chit chat anymore. I've spent so much time in the past chatting with people before meeting just to realize we are a zero match in real life... total waste of energy & time. Of course it's fair to exchange a few messages or talk on the phone if you're into it before meeting to try and grasp if you even want to meet. But that's about it. Stalking the online presence of a stranger seems like total unhealthy behavior. Almost everyone talks with a few different people at the same time specially before meeting - if you can't accept it, maybe online dating is not for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 I think you got emotionally involved and I'm sure you know you shouldn't so soon. That stuff he said about sweeping you off your feet, did get to you. You got interested enough to actually be watching his online activities, and you got upset. Don't feel bad. I myself don't pretend to be too rational to be susceptible to promise of romance. The woman in your avatar is quite vulnerable as well. I've no problem being a fool when it comes to love. But it's important that emotions don't sabotage something that could have been good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GraceAndJoy Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 I've said it before... we haven't been chatting at all. He just wants to meet. No chat. A lot of good points. Thanks everyone. When you say you two haven't been chatting, have you been attempting to chat and he's just quiet? By "attempting to chat," I mean sending some cute, flirty, questions and comments that would illicit a response in a normal person. If he's dead quiet to those, I could see that his interest seems really, really low and you should move on. Link to post Share on other sites
mightybop Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Send the guy a link to this thread. We need his take on the whole thing But seriously, are you even still talking to him at this point? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 I think you got emotionally involved and I'm sure you know you shouldn't so soon. That stuff he said about sweeping you off your feet, did get to you. You got interested enough to actually be watching his online activities, and you got upset. Don't feel bad. I myself don't pretend to be too rational to be susceptible to promise of romance. The woman in your avatar is quite vulnerable as well. I've no problem being a fool when it comes to love. But it's important that emotions don't sabotage something that could have been good. I didn't get emotionally involved. I didn't see his comment as sincere and thought it was really rather silly. For people to say I've been stalking his profile is over the top, too. You can't help but notice every time you log in who on your contacts are online. I don't know if I'll meet him or not. I have a pretty good idea it would be a waste of time but I've put enough stock in the comments here that I might give in to at least one coffee date. About the chatting... we exchanged phone numbers fairly quickly but he hasn't used that either. Jump to the meet is all he wants to do. I can see his side, I guess, but he's clueless about what women need in order to feel comfortable before meeting a stranger. Link to post Share on other sites
Rubix Cubed Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 You said you exchanged numbers. Why don't you call him? Link to post Share on other sites
damni Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 I've said it before... we haven't been chatting at all. He just wants to meet. No chat. A lot of good points. Thanks everyone. From my time on OD I see this as a red flag... I learnt you always have to trust your gut, doing this will save you not wasting your time with 'meh guys' If you are not sure, go on an coffee date and NEXT him if he is still acting the same way after the meet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 You said you exchanged numbers. Why don't you call him? We've talked on the phone before once or twice during which he didn't ask me any questions and he barely wanted to stay on the phone 5 minutes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 From my time on OD I see this as a red flag... I learnt you always have to trust your gut, doing this will save you not wasting your time with 'meh guys' If you are not sure, go on an coffee date and NEXT him if he is still acting the same way after the meet. I find asking questions of the forum just muddles me up, but yes, he's a 'meh' guy in my opinion. Why they even approach you at all when they have lukewarm interest I don't know. As I said, he's from around here. I'm beginning to think I'm just convenient for local men. He likes the fact I live ten minutes away from him, he said. And I'm probably the only single woman for miles around. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Respectfully i think you sound very hostile about men and guarded about the process of dating. I think it's important to realize and approach YOUR dating knowing that not everyone will do and process THEIR dating and thoughts about dating the same as you. I don't think it's at all weird that he would want to meet up sooner than later and you'd probably be smart for your own sake to do the same. What is the point of having much talking beforehand if in person you guys don't have chemistry? The longer you are waiting to meet him you are just getting more and more bitter about who he potentially is--in which case you should move on, not hang on.... I really don't see much different if he is playing a numbers game and not getting invested in you just yet while you are hanging in there in spite of having such negative thoughts about him. If you are both remaining interested in each other because you live close but are in a standoff kind of due to your individual dating approaches--which is more desperate? They both kind of are. I would say his is the more practical approach though. If you start to accept that things are not always as you wish them to be or as you would do, but as they just are, you will get further with your own goals. I think this guy's approach is probably more similar to other guys than the unicorn you are seeking. If you had already been on a few dates, then this would be a different discussion--until that point I think you are having unreasonable expectations and could even be wrong altogether (i.e. if app has him logged in when he's actually not looking at people specifically or maybe he leaves it open because he likes getting messages from you/others). If you have other indications that he's not a good guy, then by all means, don't hang in there with him. You are reinforcing to yourself that you are desperate even if it's unconscious by doing this--i mean that is the message you are sending yourself. And that you need to be ever vigilant about being guarded with guys, which isn't helping you, not the way you do it. Being guarded like you are hasn't really changed the fact that you are invested in this guy, wasting time, space and thoughts about him, so effectively it hasn't protected you from anything. Just cut him loose or go out with him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 I can see his side, I guess, but he's clueless about what women need in order to feel comfortable before meeting a stranger.My experience has been that women prefer to meet sooner rather than later. When I was new to OLD, I used to wait for a while before suggesting we meet. All of my female friends told me I was waiting too long to ask women out. Keep in mind, it was rare to get a unanimous suggestion from these friends. You'll also find plenty of threads on this forum from women wondering why a guy is just chatting/talking to her and not asking her out. Sometimes they get frustrated with all of the chatting. Here's an example:I'm starting to take this personally though I know I shouldn't. But is it just me or do most of you, if anything, end up with people who just want meaningless chat with no intention of trying to get to know you on online dating sites? I can't tell you how many people I've been talking with about the weather. What's up with that? And I don't get it. I'm an attractive woman..... why wouldn't you want to get to know me, go on a date? Or are these guys and gals the weeds everyone has to wade through to get to someone who actually wants to date? It's so maddening. To open a message just to find yet someone else just wants a chat partner. Why message someone when you just want to talk about the weather? Or to tell me that you're going to a hockey game? Or soccer? Or about your plans for the weekend? With no attempts to get to know me at all? My point is this: This is your requirement, not a requirement of women everywhere. When I last did OLD, I'd typically ask women out around 4-6 messages (total between us). This would usually include a text or a short phone call. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 How did he sound and feel on the phone apart from it being short and sweet , or maybe not so? Anyway , l can see your point but he's close your close, maybe just go along , wth, see what happens. lf your right that'll be that and all sorted. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 Fair, if he's a poor conversationalist, you're not emotionally involved and he rates about 'meh' in your view, why get upset enough to start this thread? Wouldn't it have been easier on yourself to just write him off as a waste of space and move on? It sounds like you've already wasted far too much anger on him. Let him drift away and send your frustration with it. Find peace. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 Fair, if he's a poor conversationalist, you're not emotionally involved and he rates about 'meh' in your view, why get upset enough to start this thread? Wouldn't it have been easier on yourself to just write him off as a waste of space and move on? It sounds like you've already wasted far too much anger on him. Let him drift away and send your frustration with it. Find peace. Because it's frustrating that everyone I meet turns out to be insincere or a dirt bag. Was curious to see what others would have to say about it, too. I don't always know if I'm overreacting or not. But my gut says, not. Just told a friend on fb that this guy is online on Pof all the time and doesn't send me many messages. She answered without missing a beat, "give him the boot." So straightforward and simple. The obvious answer. I sometimes think most people in modern dating want to be more 'sophisticated' than to use common sense. I see people on the forums all the time who are so worried about being sophisticated they won't use common sense or stand up for themselves or set boundaries when dating. It's silly. See a red flag, get rid of the jerk. Period. In this case all I'm getting from him are red flags. But knowing what I have to do doesn't make it any less maddening that I keep having such rotten luck with men. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 But it's true I've wasted too much energy on this. I'll just fade off his radar, I think. Link to post Share on other sites
MaleIntuition Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Because it's frustrating that everyone I meet turns out to be insincere or a dirt bag. Was curious to see what others would have to say about it, too. I don't always know if I'm overreacting or not. But my gut says, not. Just told a friend on fb that this guy is online on Pof all the time and doesn't send me many messages. She answered without missing a beat, "give him the boot." So straightforward and simple. The obvious answer. I sometimes think most people in modern dating want to be more 'sophisticated' than to use common sense. I see people on the forums all the time who are so worried about being sophisticated they won't use common sense or stand up for themselves or set boundaries when dating. It's silly. See a red flag, get rid of the jerk. Period. In this case all I'm getting from him are red flags. But knowing what I have to do doesn't make it any less maddening that I keep having such rotten luck with men. You are just taking the advice you want to hear and you seem to struggle with seeing things from more than one perspective. What indicator have you given about sincere interest? He has asked you out a number of times and you have done what? Dodged the question? Turned him down? Yet you expect him to keep chasing only you? No man with self respect will put up with such BS. Unreasonable demands will simply “sort” away the good guys because they have options. Change your approach and perhaps your luck will change as well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 You are just taking the advice you want to hear and you seem to struggle with seeing things from more than one perspective. No. I have trouble ignoring my instincts. Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 No. I have trouble ignoring my instincts. And how's that working for you? Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 And how's that working for you? I think she made the right call. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 And how's that working for you? It's working. My instincts are in perfect working order. Link to post Share on other sites
Juha Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Still say you are far too bitter to be online dating... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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