This affair almost ruined my life!!!

[DKT3]

@Aloha, expectations vs desire. Which wins. Having realistic expectations that conflict with your desire equal madness. You know it's not going to happen, but you pursuing it anyway.

 

For what its worth, I believe that you are one of the rare WWs who are truly unhappy before the affair. So I believe you fit that description. I dont believe Naive was unhappy, I believe she started and then manufactured issues in her marriage to justify her actions. That is actually the most common. Which is why we hear I didn't know I was unhappy before AP, or AP showed me what was missing. If you ate hamburgers every day your whole life does eating a steak then mean you were unhappy eating hamburgers? Or does it mean you now steak.

 

Admitting that one was happy, yet still did what they did is far more difficult. Especially when the affair crashes and burns.

[elaine567]

Why is it so rare for a woman having an affair to have been unhappy in her marriage? Surely that must be very common, no?

[Naivewomen]

@DKT3 I wasnt unhappy before affair but I was always stressed and etc. I felt like I pulled most of the weight in the home but I never thought about divorce so I agree with you!! I enjoyed the steak and realized why I strayed and what was missing. This is a fact!!

[Aloha123]

@Aloha,

For what its worth, I believe that you are one of the rare WWs who are truly unhappy before the affair. So I believe you fit that description.

 

Wow that actually means a lot to me because I have come to respect your opinion. I don't know that many women who were happy in their marriage would ever have settled for the half-assed affair I found myself in. In hindsight, I truly was desperate (not that that's a justification; but it is in my case an explanation).

 

I guess I would describe it as, before I met mm, I thought my marriage was "normal", that that's just what being in a long term relationship was supposed to feel like. That they all just turned into roommate situations where the two people were completely indifferent to one another. That I should just suck it up and settle for it, because it was better than nothing.

 

But then when I met mm, I remembered what it felt like to have a true romantic spark with somebody. But just as importantly, seeing and hearing about all of the fun he and his wife had with each other, and how attracted they still were to each other, really was eye-opening. And of course, it also was and is the ultimate slap in the face, to see the person I want to be with also happen to have a better marriage than me too. In other words, I think it would be *slightly* less painful if his marriage was as dead as mine (even if I still knew he was still never leaving).

 

So obviously, just like with my marriage, I am also settling for the affair because it is better than nothing. I am basically trying to piece together my life by adding two very broken situations together, trying desperately to make it a whole.

 

If we did not have a 10 year old special needs child, I really would get a divorce and try to meet somebody else, or even live on my own. But right now I am prioritizing her to a certain extent, over my husband and even over my own needs. So yes I am obviously being selfish and hedging my bets like all WW, but there's more involved in my situation too.

[DKT3]

You didn't stray because there was something missing in your marriage, you strayed because you wanted to. Saying something was missing is how you convinced yourself it was ok to follow through with it.

 

No one has ever had all of their mental and emotional needs met by one person, so its unrealistic to expect that something wont be missing in every single relationship you have of all types. Not even our relationships with parents or children are 100% fulfilling. Keep digging.

[Naivewomen]

@Aloha what DKT3 is saying is the illusion or fantasy of what we made MM to be superseded the normal mundane marriage. Our husbands couldn't compete fairly with the major romantic highs we were experiencing with another man. Everything my H was doing became annoying. I remember vaguely being annoyed at his chewing. I was constantly comparing him to the MM. Husband had no chance mentally. We MUST take ownership for what we did. Believe me if your marriage is destined to fail then it will but you can not figure that out for as long as you pine over the MM. Once you are healed and your emotions for MM are a thing of the past you can look at your marriage the from a different perspective. It will not be easy because we currently want them to make us feel the way the MM did.

(Which is not possible at this point because we lost interest).

 

if you both tried to correct the situations it can be stronger than before but if it doesnt you can find someone else authentically and honestly. This affair will not solve your marital problems they magnify them.

[onemanband]

you will never be able to heal because you dont know real pain your husband is still living a lie how can you be sincere if you dont go through the steps ,how would u feel if he did this to you.

[elaine567]

You didn't stray because there was something missing in your marriage, you strayed because you wanted to. Saying something was missing is how you convinced yourself it was ok to follow through with it.

But surely if the marriage was fulfilling, and there was true love for the husband there would be no reason to stray.

Seems to me many WWs are in "bad" marriages, they get an offer of something better and they take it.

They move to make it real and often get sorely disappointed.

 

They then have to reenter the "bad" marriage and being in a desperate position, will say almost anything to make it work. Survival mode.

So "Yes, the marriage was really great, but my head was in the wrong place.", "Yes I always loved you", "Yes, I was in a fantasy world" etc. etc.

Truth is they made a deliberate bid for "freedom", it didn't work out so well and now they are trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear...

Obligated to the men they betrayed. Guilt tripped into staying, or frankly have no other viable option.

 

Naivewoman, like so many others it seems to me, can hardly stand her betrayed husband let alone have sex with him, yet is going through the motions to make it work, as her "true love" is a cad and he was never going to make it real.

Aloha would get a divorce in an instant if it wasn't for her special needs child...

[pepperbird]

I'm not sure about all of this.

A lot of happily married people can have a bad day, or even a string of them, when they don't really "like" their spouse. It happens for all sorts of reasons, ranging from minor ones that have nothing really to do with them ( you have a bad day at work and you don't like anyone) to major issues like the early onset of depression.

 

 

Underneath all that, they still love their spouse.

 

I can't speak to Aloha's situation, as I don't know her story well. With NW, I do think that, underneath all the crud, she really does love her husband. It would be easier for her to walk away, yet she has chosen to stay. Personally, I'd like it if she opened up to her H about her A, but she has decided to follow a different path.

 

NW...so long as you are choosing to stay because it is what you really want and it's not a default or you're staying because you feel it's your only choice, then I wish you every success in reconciling.

[DKT3]

Even great marriage have lows, Elaine. She doesn't describe a great marriage but admits it was a good marriage but she was stressed. So she isnt saying she had a horrible marriage but she cheated anyway.

 

What I'm saying is it's hard to see the trees when you're standing in the middle of the woods. You can only see the ones closest to you, but the others are still there. Two points, 1) many women are serial monogamous so in order to attach to another man they have to detach from the first. In doing this small issues because much bigger. 2) once attached to another man that subconsciously they know isnt going to work they attempt to hang on to the first.

 

its difficult to reconnect because it's hard to reconcile who they thought they were with who thier actions dictate who they actually are. The BH is a constant reminder of this conflict while the MM is an escape from that conflict. This is why I always comment to WS to be honest with themselves about what they truly desire, what they want and how attainable that is. once they do this they can start to close doors either the affair or the marriage. This in turn allows them to open the doors to new possibilities.

[Zona]

@Elaine,

Generally speaking, cheaters cheat because they want to. It's fun and exciting to sneak around like a HS kid trying to keep their parents from finding out about them having sex. It's ego kibbles and romantic fantasy. It's about "getting away with it". It's about the grass being greener.

 

Honorable people in a bad marriage GET DIVORCED, especially after trying to communicate their issues with their spouse.

 

@NW

The best advice you have been given is either confess and try to rebuild the marriage or divorce your husband. It's grossly unfair to him to continue living a lie and to keep him in limbo, and to continue to shift blame onto him and expect him to fix the marriage without even knowing why it is so broken.

 

If you divorce you will probably have lots of guilt over time as your head clears and you begin to realize that just about every other man is just like your husband, but you will start to feel "normal" again for the first time since you started the affair. That will be a relief I suppose.

 

Sorry to be so blunt and no offense intended, but you have screwed over your husband long enough. Time to do the right thing one way or the other.

[mark clemson]

OR she could try to patch it up with her H without telling and see if they can.

 

Not every guy WANTS to know. Others think they do but realize they didn't (ignorance is bliss), still others think they do and can't handle it and go psycho, up to and including murdering the spouse and/or kids. Some guys would never stay if they found out, so there's no opportunity to "fix" things if she tells.

 

 

I get the appeal of living authentically, but marriages aren't one size fits all.

[DKT3]

Simply put Mark, they are failing and you suggest that they (she) continues on the same path. What going to change to patch it up?

[mark clemson]

I'm not there in the situation and she hasn't posted enough details that I have specific suggestions. She can keep trying things (including telling if she so chooses). She can take the time to work on it and try the things that come to mind.

 

There are worse things than a divorce; for example, getting shot by an enraged husband or being responsible for their suicide. These things are rare, but do happen.

 

I respect your opinion and get that there are good reasons to tell, and many are listed in this thread. But if her gut is telling her not to tell her H, esp. after all the urging she's been getting here, there's probably a good reason for that.

Edited March 7, 2019 by mark clemson

[darkbloom]

NW- I understand if maybe you were naive at the beginning of the affair but I would say you are less so now. You’ve had 22 pages of advice and you’re still waffling between your MM and your husband.

 

I don’t think your husband stands a chance until you actually let MM go completely. MM does not sound like a very nice guy or he gives a sh-t about your feelings. He doesn’t respect your wishes and keeps you dangling for the carrot but he never follows through. It’s going to be painful as hell to end it but you will be better off in the long run.

[Naivewomen]

Thank you for your messages!! Ironically, a terrible story/ending to another's lives. About 20 miles from my home, a husband brutally stabs his wife to death with his 3 beautiful daughters upstairs sleeping and then drives to a nearby bridge and commits suicide. All this because the amazing wife/mother wanted a divorce because of compatibility issues. She is a dedicated women in the community and family members knew her. Everyone said she qlwas a lovely women. The spouse couldnt handle the rejection and this ensued. Divorces are damaging to everyone involved. I'm sure my H could NOT handle the affair. His brain will never process anything other than the sexual nature of the beast!!! I would prefer rug sweeping but it's a huge burden for me. I am waiting for counseling to help alleviate the pressure. I continue to be more present and less isolated. Until I completely let go of other man I will remain stuck and I refuse to carry on my life stuck. So everyday I try to do better than yesterday. I try too soley focus on rebuilding my family unit that WAS never truly on weak territory until I breached.

[elaine567]

Very sad, but do you honestly believe your husband is capable, NW?

[DKT3]

Deleted post.....

 

Good luck

Edited March 7, 2019 by DKT3

[Bittersweetie]

Are you saying that you are not confessing/asking for divorce because you fear for your life and/or your husband's life?

 

Or are you saying that if one confesses/asks for divorce really bad things can happen and you are afraid of those consequences?

 

Because the former is a legitimate fear while the latter is you continuing to justify your current choices based on something terrible that happened to someone else.

[aliveagain]

Wow, 22 pages of advice from some of the best on this site and the best you can do is find another excuse for continuing your affair and not telling your husband. What is it your looking for from the great people here? Am I reading what you've posted wrong?

[mark clemson]

Pretty sure she's not continuing the affair and has gone full NC. (Certainly hope so.)

 

Thought her statement above was more about fulling clearing her head. But I guess NW can speak to this.

[Naivewomen]

@alive again. I have not broken NC in 7 months. Mm has made a few weak attempts but I did not cave nor do I have any intention of caving. I'm done with that chapter and the problem is I'm looking for is the fix back into reality. People on here seem to think that I have suffered no consequences. I have suffered many. I lost my worth, self respect, living with broken vows, hurting my spouse and my family. A complete breakdown so too speak. I have lost 10 pounds and so much more. I know it will take a ton more and I will continue to walk through this pain alone. I entered into this bad decision alone and I'm trying to live daily with it. LS and all of the wonderful people have pulled me from the abyss. I am trying to fix my wrongs and some posters people I will struggle forever with unhappiness which is very discouraging.

[aliveagain]

My apologies, I usually stay off the OM/OW threads for triggering reasons(like watching a movie then discovering infidelity is a key component). I actually forced myself to watch an episode of Temptation Island this week, I think it set be back, won't do that again. There is just no good that ever comes from infidelity, you never get over it but with a lot of counselling you can learn to live with it's aftermath. It is with you for the rest of your life. The longer the affair the harder it is to explain to the people that love you. Most people that have affairs never expect to get caught, all you have to do is look at the thousands of members on this site to know that's not true.

 

Your O/M doesn't seem to be giving up and that causes me concern for you. It's these types of individuals that can cause you the most trouble. You can't control them. Whats to stop him from contacting your husband in retaliation? More people may already know about your affair, I can only look at what happened to me as a comparison. Cheaters brag, specially men. In my case two different groups came forward and exposed my ex's affair, one was a couple, the other was a single best friend of hers. They were the ones that told me my son was actually the O/M's son. This is why after confrontation I demanded a DNA test, the rest is history.

 

The only thing you can control is when your husband finds out. That's way too big a secret to carry by yourself.

[darkbloom]

I’m a single OW struggling to let go of the affair. I could continue this for my own personal selfish gain, but I don’t want to hurt his wife anymore even if she never finds out about it. I’ve seen the devistation caused by affairs in my personal life and on this site and I don’t want it to happen to you. You’ve gained so much perspective since your first post and I want to encourage you not to lose it and get sucked back in the way I did.

 

The only way out is through.

[Naivewomen]

I am trying hard to work on my self. Trying to figure out why I allowed this to happen in the first place. Why I allowed to give so much of myself knowing full well I was in forbidden territory and I was never able to compartmentalize. I was able to justify and magnify my marital issues to soften the guilt. I had created many fabricated walls and resentments toward my H to continue the betrayal. I wanted to continue to believe that I was a good person in a terrible predicament. Never wanting to admit to myself how wrong it was because I never wanted to let anyone down or hurt anyway. Spin that web years later and I realized I have hurt two families amd destroyed myself in the process..however finally being free from the pain I inflicted on myself I have learned many many lessons. For starters, i will never entertain anything like this again. I will never betray my spouse again if my marriage fails i will take the blame and divorce properly. I realize no one is perfect but of you lead with your heart and act through kindness you will be a better person. One day at a time. Peace is what I strive for these days.